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beauty, or mental accomplishment, weight, head cook and housekeeper to struck me forcibly as suitable coadju- Sir Anthony Macturk, a Scotch bators for a man—for a man like your ronet, who rusticated in the vicinity humble servant."
of town. I made her a few evening “ A most royal bow that, Mr. Tims. visits, and we talked love affairs over Well, proceed, if you please.” muffins and a cup of excellent congou.
“ Very good, sir,--well, then, to Then what a variety of jams and jelproceed. The first of these was Miss lies! I never returned without a disDiana Tonkin, a young lady, who ordered stomach, and wishing Highkept her brother's snuff-shop, at the land heather-honey at the devil. Yet, sign of the African astride the Tobacco after all, to prove a hoax !-for even Barrel—a rare beauty, who was on when I was on the point of popping the most intimate talking terms with the question, and had fastened my silk half a hundred young bloods and Jem Belcher with a knowing leetle beaux, who looked in during lounging knot to set out for that purpose, I hours, being students of law, physic, learned from Francie, the stable-boy, and divinity, half-pay ensigns, and that she had the evening before eloped theatrical understrappers, to replenish with the coachman, and returned to their boxes with Lundyfoot, whiff a her post that forenoon metamorphosed Havana cigar, or masticate pigtail. into Madam Trot. No wonder that she was spoiled by “I first thought, sir, of hanging flattery, Miss Diana, for she was a bit myself over the first lamp-post; but, of a beauty; and though she had but after a leetle consideration, I deterone eye-by Heavens, what an eye mined to confound Madam Trot, and that was !”
all other fickle fair ones, by that very “ She must have been an irresisti- night marrying Miss Diana. I bas. ble creature, certainly, Mr. Tims,” tened on, rushed precipitately into the said I. “ Well, how did you come shop, and on the subject—and hear,
oh Heaven, and believe, oh earth! was “ Irresistible ! but you shall hear, met not by a plump denial, but was sir. I foresaw that, in soliciting the shown the door.” honor of this fair damsel's hand, I Upon my word, Mr. Tims,” said should have much opposition to en- I, “ you have been a most unfortunate counter from the rivalry of the three man. I wonder you recovered after learned professions, to say nothing of such mighty reverses ? but I hope" the gentlemen of the sword and of Hope! that is the word, sir, the the buskin ; but, thinks I to myself, very word, I still had hope; so, after • faint heart never won fair lady,' so ten days' horrible melancholy, in which I at once set up a snuff-box, looked I cropped not a few heads in a novel as tip-topping as possible, and com- and unprecedented style, I at it again, menced canvassing.
and laid immediate and close siege to “ The second elite (for I know a the last and loveliest of the trio_one leetle French, having for three months, by whom I was shot dead at first during my apprenticeship, had the sight, and of whom it might be said, honor of frizzling the gead-gear of as I once heard Kean justly observe Count Witruvius de Caucauson, who in a very pretty tragedy, and to a nuoccupied private state-lodgings at the merous audience,-We ne'er shall sign of the Blue Boar in the Poultry, look upon her like again!'” and who afterwards decamped with “ Capital, Mr. Tims. Well, how out clearing scores)—the second elite, did you get on ?" (sor I make a point, sir, of having « A moment's patience, with your two strings to my bow,) was Mrs. honor's leave. Ah ! truly might it Joan Sweetbread, a person of exqui- be said of her, that she was desceniled site parts, but fiery temper, at that from the high and great—her grandtime aged thirty-three, twelve stone father having been not only six feet
three, without the shoes, but for forty the following evening, I had a polite odd years principal bell-ringer in the visit from her respectable old father, steeple of St. Giles's, Cripplegate; and Daniel Mainspring, who asked me what her grandmother, for long and long, my intentions were ? not only head dry-nurse to one of the "" To commence wig-maker on my noblest families in all England, but own bottom,' answered I. bona fide twenty-two stone avoirdupois. "6But with respect to my daughAs to this nonpareil of lovely flesh and ter, sir ?' blood, her name was Lucy Main Why, to be sure, to make her spring, the daughter of a horologer, mistress, sir.' sir,--a watchmaker-vulgo so called “ Mistress ! quoth he, did I hear and though fattish, she was very fair you right, sir ?' -fair ! by Jupiter, craving your ho “I hope you are not hard of hearnor's pardon for swearing,) she fairly ing, Mr. Mainspring. I wish, sir-bemade me give all other thoughts the tween us, sir-you understand, sircut, and twisted the passions of my to marry her, sir.' heart with the red-hot torturing irons «« Then you can't have her, sir.' of love. Pon honor, sir, I almost “ But I must, sir ; for I can't do grow foolish, when I think of those without her, sir.' days ; but love, sir, nothing can resist “ «Then you may buy a rope.' love, a saying which Professor Heavy “Ah! you would not sign my stern once turned into Greek, as I was death-warrant—wouldn't you not now, ribbanding his pigtail for a tea and Mr. Mainspring ?' turn-out.- Homniæ wincit Hamor,' " "Before going,' said he, rummagsaid he; to which I observed, “a very ing his buge coat-pockets with both 'cute remark, your reverence.' But hands at once, there is your letter, you shall hear, sir.”
which I read over patiently, instead “I hope, Mr. Tims, you were in of my daughter, who has never seen better luck with Miss Mainspring ?” it; and I hope you will excuse the li
“A leetle, a leetle patience, your berty I take of calling you a great fool, honor, and all will be out as quick as and wishing you a good morning.' directly--the twinkling of a bedpost : “ Now, though a lad of mettle, you -For three successive nights I sat up know, sir, it would not have been quite in a brown study, with a four-in-the- the thing to have called out my inpound candle burning before me till tended father-in-law ; so, with amazalmost cock-crow, composing a love - ing forbearance, bridling my passion, letter, a most elaborate affair, the I allowed him to march off triumphpure overflowing of la belle passion, antly, and stood, with the letter in my all about Wenus, Cupids, bows and ar- hand, looking down the alley after him, rows, hearts, darts, and them things, strutting along, staff in hand, like a which, having copied neatly over on recruiting sergeant, as if he had been a handsome sheet of foolscap, turned a phenix. up with gilt, (for, though I say it “ A man of my penetration was not myself, I scribble a smart fist,) I made long in scenting out who was the for. a blotch of red wax on the back as midable rival to whom Daddy Mainlarge as a dollar, that thereon I might spring alluded. Sacre! to think the the more indelibly impress a seal, mercenary old hunks could dream of with a couple of pigeons cooing upon sacrificing my lovely Lucy to such a it, and · toujours wotre for the motto. hobgoblin of a fellow as a superannuThis I popped into the post-office, and ated dragoon quartermaster, with a awaited patiently-may I add confi- beak like Bardolph's in the play. But dently ?--for the result.
I had some confidence in my own qua“No answer having come as I ex- lifications; and as I gave a sly glance pected per return, I began to smell down at my nether person, “Dashthat I was in the wrong box ; so, on the-wig-of-him!' thought I to my
self, · if he can sport a leg like that of “ The old boy, however, ignorant Toby Tims. I accordingly determin- of our orgies, was still bothering his ed not to be discomfited, and took the brains to bring about matrimony beearliest opportunity of presenting Miss tween his daughter and the veteranLucy, through a sure channel, with a who, though no younger than Methupassionate billet-doux, a patent pair salem, as stiff as the Monument, and of gilt bracelets, and a box of Ruspi- as withered as Belzoni's Piccadilly ni's tooth-powder. By St. Patrick and mummy, had yet the needful, sirall the powers, it was shocking to sup- had abundance of the wherewitbalpose that such an angel as the cherry- crops of yellow shiners—lots of the cheeked Lucy should be stolen from real-sported a gig, and kept on board me by such an apology for a gallant, wages a young shaver of all work, as Quartermaster Bottlenose of the with a buff jacket, turned up with Tipperary Rangers. 'Twas murder, sky-blue facings. Only think, sirby Jupiter."
only ponder for a moment what a for“I perfectly agree with you, Mr. midable rival I had !” Tims. Did you challenge him to the “I hope you beat him off, however," duello ?”
said I. The greater danger the more “A leetle patience, if you please, honor you know, Mr. Tims." sir, and you shall hear all. During “Of that anon, sir.—Lucy, on her the violence of my love-fits, I com- part, angelic creature, professed that mitted a variety of professional mis- she could not dream of being undutitakes. I sent at one time a pot of ful towards kind old Pa; and that, bear's grease away by the mail, in a unless desperate measures were rewig-box, to a member of parliament in sorted to, quamprimum, in the twinkYorkshire ; and burned a whole batch ling of a bed-post she would be under of baked hair to ashes, while singing the disagreeable necessity to go with Moore's When he who adores thee,' the disabled man of war to the temple in aititude, before a block, dressed up of Hymen. Sacrilegious thought! I for the occasion with a fashionable could not permit it to enter my bosom, wig upon it—to say nothing of my and (pardon me for a moment, sir) having, in a fit of abstraction, given a when I looked down, and caught a beautiful young lady, who was going glance of my own natty-looking, tight that same evening to a Lord Mayor's little leg, and dapper Hessians, I reball, the complete charity-workhouse commended her strongly to act on the cut, leaving her scalp as bare as the principle of the Drury-lane play-bill, back of my hand. But cheer up! which says, 'All for Love, or the to my happy astonishment, sir, mat- World well lost.' ters worked like a charm. What a “Well, sir, hark ye, just to show parley-vooing and billet-dooing pass- how things come about; shortly after ed between us ! We would have re- this, on the anniversary of my hoquired a porter for the sole purpose. nored old master, Zechariah Pigtail's Then we had stolen interviews of two birth, when we were allowed to strike hours' duration each, for several suc- work at noon, I determined, as a detcessive nights, at the old horologer's nier resort, as a clincher, sir, to act back-door, during which, besides a the genteel, and invite Miss Lucy, in multiplicity of small-talk-thanks to her furs and falderals, to accompany his deafness—I tried my utmost to me to the exhibition of Pictures. entrap her affections, by reciting son- Heavens, sir, how I dressed on that nets, and spouting bits of plays in the day! The Day and Martin of my manner of the tragedy performers. boots reflected on the shady side of These were the happy times, sir! The the street. I took half an hour in world was changed for me. Padding- tying and retying my neckcloth en ton canal seemed the river Pactolus, mode. My handkerchief smelt of laand Ray-Fair Elysium !
vender, and my hair of oil of thyme
my waistcoat of bergamot, and my handed you down to the bottom of inexpressibles of musk. I was a per- five-and-twenty couple at a countryfect civet for perfumery. My coat, dance, to the tune of Sir Roger de cut in the jemmy fashion, I buttoned Coverley, Morgiana in Ireland, Peto suffocation; but ’pon honor, believe tronella, or the Triumph ; and, notme, sir, no stays, and my shirt neck withstanding our having sucked a had been starched per order, to the couple of oranges a-piece, we are both consistence of tin. In short, to be quite in a broth of perspiration. Very brief, I found, or fancied myself kill- good—so says I to you, making a gening—a most irresistible fellow. teel bow, Do you please to walk
“I did not dare, however, to call aside, and cool yourself in them there for Miss Lucy at old Pa's, but waited green arbors, and I will be with you for her at the corner of the street, as quick as directly, with a glass of patiently drumming on my boot, with lemonade or cherry brandy ?' So says a knowing little bit of bamboo ; and you to me, dropping a curtsey a la projecting my left arm to her, off we mode, With ineffable pleasure, sir;' marched in triumph.
and away you trip into the shade like “ The Exhibition Rooms
a sunbeam. crowded with the ton ; and to be sure “Now, Lucy, my love, take a good a great many fine things were there. look of that picture. That is you, Would you had seen them, sir. There 'spose, seated on the turf, a leetle bewere Admirals in blue, and Generals hind the pillar dedicated to Apollar; in red-portraits of my Lord this, and and you, blooming like a daffodilly in my Lady that—land scenes, and sea April, are waiting with great thirst, scenes, and hunting scenes, with ships, and not a little impatience for my and woods, and old castles, all amaz- promised appearance, from the sign of ingly like life. In short, sir, Providence the Hen and Chickens, with the corseems to have guided us to the spot, dials, and a few biscuits on a salverwhere we saw a picture—the picture, when lo! an old bald-pated, oily-faced, sir—the pattern copy of that there pic- red-nosed Cameronian ranter, whom ture, sir,—and Heavens ! such a piece by your elegant negligee capering, you of work—but of that anon-it did the have fairly danced out of his dotard business, sir. No sooner had I pe- senses, comes pawing up to you like rused it through my quizzing glass, Polito's polar bear, drops on his knees, which, I confess, that I had brought and before you can avert your nose with me more for ornament than use from a love-speech, embalmed in the -having eyes like a hawk,-than I fumes of tobacco and purl, the hoary pathetically exclaimed to Lucy—“Be- villain has beslobbered your lily-white hold, my love, the history of our fates!' fingers, and is protesting unalterable Lucy said, “Tuts, Toby Tims,' and affection, at the rate of twelve miles gave a giggle; but I went on in solemn an hour, inclusive of stoppages. Now, gravity, before a circle of seemingly Lucy, love, did you ever,--say upon electrified spectators.
your honor,--did you ever witness “''Spose now, Miss Lucy,' said I, such a spectacle of humanity ? Tell holding her by the finger of her Li now ?-Behold, that very little merick glove; ''spose now, that I lap-dog in the corner is so mortally had invited you to take an outside seat sick, that, were he not upon canvass, on the Hampstead Flying Phænix there would be nothing for it but vowith me, to go out to a rural junket- miting. ing, on May-day in the afternoon. Very well. Now, love, take a Very well—there we find ourselves peep down the avenue, and yon is me, alive and kicking, forty couple footing yon tight, handsome little figure, with it on the green, and choosing, accord- the Spanish cap and cloak, attended by ing to our tastes, reels, jigs, minuets, a trusty servant in the same costume, or bumpkins. 'Spose then, that I have to whom I am pointing where he is
to bring the cherry-brandy; when, writing a penitent letter from the lo! we perceive the hideous appari- Valentine and Orson at Chelsea, Dadtion !-and straightway rushing for- dy Mainspring found himself glad to ward, like two tigers on a jackass, we come to terms. Thrice were the banns seize the wigless dotard ; and, calling published; and such a marriage as we for a blanket, the whole respectable had ! 'Pon honor, sir, I would you company of forty couples and upwards, had been present. It was a thing to come crowding to the spot, and lend be remembered till the end of one's a willing hand in rotation, four by life. A deputation of the honorable four, in tossing Malachi, the last of the corporation of barbers duly atthe lovers, till the breath of life is tended, puffed out in full fig; and scarcely left in his vile body.
even the old Quartermaster, pocketing “Now, Lucy,' says I, in conclu- his disappointment, was, at his own sion, don't you see the confounded special petition, a forgiven and favorabsurdity of ever wasting a thoughted guest. Seldom has such dancing on a broken-down, bandy-legged, beg- been seen within the bounds of Longarly dragoon ? Just look at him, don; and, with two fiddles, a tamwith an old taffeta whigmaleerie tied bourin, and a clarionet, we made all to his back, like Paddy from Cork, the roofs ring, till an early hour next with his coat buttoned behind! Isn't morning—and that we did.” he a pretty figure, now, to go a-court “You are a lucky fellow, Mr. Tims,” ing? You would never forsake the said I. like of me—would you now? A spruce, “ And more than that, sir. When natty little body of a creature—to be old Mainspring kicks, we are to have the trollop of a spindle-shanked vete- the counting of his mouldy coppersran, who, besides having one foot in so we have the devil's luck and our the grave, and a nose fit for three, own; and as for false curls, braids, might be your great-grandfather?' bandeaux, Macassar oil, cold cream,
“It was a sight, sir, that would bear's grease, tooth-powder, and Dutch have melted the heart of a wheel-bar- toys, show me within the walls of the row. Before the whole assembled ex- City a more respectable, tip-topping hibition room, Lucy first looked blue, persumery depot and wig-warehouse, and then blushed consent. •Toby,' than that wherein you now sit, and said she, don't mention it, Toby, of which I, Tobias Tims, am, with due dear,-I am thine for ever and a respect, the honored master, and your day!' Angelic sounds, which at once humble servant ! sent Bottlenose to Coventry. His “I hope, sir, in explanation of that chance was now weak indeed, quite there pretty picture, I have now given like Grantham gruel, three groats to a you a full, true, and particular acgallon of water. In an ecstacy of pas- count of this most important scene of sion, sir, I threw my silk handkerchief my life to the letter. Perhaps, sir, on the floor, and, kneeling on it with you may think it rather a plain, unone knee, I raised her gloveless fingers varnished tale ; but true and simple to my lips !
though it be, it may prove a leetle use“ The whole company clapped their ful to those, whose fingers itch to hands, and laughed so heartily in sym- mount“ proud Ambition's ladder." pathy with my good luck! Oh! sir, Perhaps few can crop hair, or cut their had you but seen it—what a sight for cards with my dexterity; and I trust sore eyes that was !”
I have shown, sir, to your entire sa“ Then you would indeed be the tisfaction, that an inexperienced barhappy man at last, Mr. Tims,” said I. ber's boy succeeded in out-manæu“ Did you elope on the instant ?” vring an ancient officer of the line ;
“ Just done, please your honor.— and, as I have a beard to be shared, Next morning, according to special o 'Twas thus I won sweet Lucy's hand, agreement, we eloped in a gig; and, My bold and beauteous bride. »