For well he knew his vessel With that vain wind could wrestle; And through the hubbub brought her, Cried, "George, some brandy and water." And when, its force expended, Came blushing o'er the sea,- A prayer at home for me. -William Makepeace Thackeray. LARRIE O'DEE Now the widow McGee, And Larrie O'Dee, Had two little cottages out on the green, With just room enough for two pig-pens between. One morning said he: "Och! Misthress McGee, It's a waste of good lumber, this runnin' two rigs, "And thin, it looks kind o' hard-hearted and mane, "If ye "Shwate Widow McGee," Answered Larrie O'Dee, fale in your heart we are mane to the pigs, Ain't we mane to ourselves to be runnin' two rigs? Och! it made me heart ache whin I paped through the cracks "Now, piggy," said she; "Larrie's courtin' o' me, Wid his dilicate tinder allusions to you; So now yez must tell me jisht what I must do: -W. W. Fink. THE RATIONALISTIC CHICKEN Most strange! Most queer- although most excellent a change!. No longer huddled up so pitiably; Free now to pry and probe, and peep and peer, Shall a free-thinking chicken live in doubt? For now in doubt undoubtedly I am; This problem's very heavy on my mind; I won't be blinded, and I won't be blind! First, I would know how did I get in there? Besides, why did n't I get out before? Here are three puzzles (out of plenty more), How do I know I ever was inside? Less than my reason, and beneath my pride, In such a paltry, miserable cell As that old shell. Of course I could n't! How could I have lain In there? I meet the notion with profound disdain; Where did I come from, then? Ah, where indeed? This is a riddle monstrous hard to read. I have it! Why, of course, All things are moulded by some plastic force There now! That's plain as is the beak upon my What's that I hear? face. My mother cackling at me- just her way, So prejudiced and ignorant, I say, So far behind the wisdom of the day. What's old I can't revere. Hark at her. "You're a silly chick, my dear, As is the piece of shell upon your back!" For I can't see it; and I do declare, For all her fond deceivin', What I can't see I never will believe in! -Anonymous. THE FOXES' TAILS (SCOTCH DIALECT) Minister. Weel, Sandy, man; and how did ye like the sermon the day? Precentor. Eh? Minister. I say, how did ye like the sermon? 'oda - I maist forget how I likit it. - a - a the sermon Minister. D'ye no mind the sermon, Sandy? Precentor. Weel — I — wadna jeest like to say that I didna mind it, but Minister. D'ye no mind the text, then? Precentor. Ou, ay- I mind the text weel aneuch mind the text. Minister. Well, d'ye no mind the sermon? ay, Precentor. Bide a meenit, bide a meenit - I'm thinkin' - ay, I mind it fine. Hoots, ay! I mind the sermon noo wickedness. I ye said the world was lyin' in Minister. Toots, man! any fule kens that. What did ye think o' the discourse as a whole? Precentor. I thocht it was owre lang. Minister. Tut-tut-tut! Weel, what did ye think o't in the abstract? Precentor. The abstract-weel, I thocht the abstract was rather drumlie noo and then, as a whole, like. Minister. Man, d'ye understand your ain language? I ask you, what was your opeenion o' the nature marrow o' the discourse? the gist, the pith, the Precentor. Ay, jeest that-weel, it was it was evangelical. Minister. Evangelical! of course it was evangelical-was't no more than that? Precentor. Ou, ay, it was gey an' conneckit. Minister. You thickhead! Was the sermon good, bad, or indifferent there, can ye fathom that? Precentor. Oh! that's what ye 've been speirin' aboot a' the time, is't? What for did ye no speak plain afore? Weel, it was a gude sermon -'deed it was the best I ever heard ye preach. Minister. Hoot toot! Sandy, now you 're gaun owre far. Precentor. Aweel, aweel, I never saw sae few folk sleepin' afore. Minister. Oh! and are you in the habit, Sir, o' fallin' asleep during my pulpit ministrations? Precentor. I wadna say but what I tak a blink noo and then. Minister. Oh! but still ye thought it was a good sermon? Precentor. Ay, it was a hantle better than the lave. Minister. I'm much obleeged to you, Sandy, for your gude opinion. Precentor. You're perfectly welcome. But, at the same time, if ye 'll excuse me, I would jeest like to make one observation aboot the discoorse the day- and in fac' aboot a' yer discoorses. Minister. Ay, what's that? Precentor. Weel, it's raither a venturesome pint tae handle; but, if ye 'll forgie the freedom, I was jeest gaun to say that in your discoorse the day we 'll no gang ony farther than the one the day in the midst o't, like when ye was on the tap o' an illystration it struck me that every noo and then- but ye'll no feel offended at what I'm gaun to say? every noo Minister. Say awa, man, and I'll tell ye after. Precentor. Ay, weel, in your discoorse the day and again in the midst o't, like when ye was expleenin' some kittle pint out o' the Scriptures or when ye was in the heat o' an argyment, or that or else when ye—a - but noo, ye 're sure ye 'll no be offended? Minister. Ye donnart idiot! wull ye either say what ye've gotten to say, or else lit it alane? Precentor. I'm coming to the pint directly. All I was gaun |