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SCENE changes to the Street.


Enter Antipholis of Syracufe.

HE gold I gave to Dromio is laid up
Safe at the Centaur; and the heedful flave

Is wander'd forth in care to feek me out.

By computation, and mine host's report,
I could not fpeak with Dromio, fince at first
I fent him from the mart. See, here he comes.
Enter Dromio of Syracuse.

How now, Sir, is your merry humour alter'd ?
As you love ftrokes, fo jeft with me again.
You know no Centaur ? you receiv'd no gold?
Your mistress fent to have me home to dinner?
My house was at the Phenix? waft thou mad,
That thus fo madly thou didst answer me?

S. Dro. What answer, Sir? when spake I such a word ?

Ant. Even now, even here, not half an hour fince. S. Dro. I did not fee you fince you fent me hence Home to the Centaur, with the gold you gave me. Ant. Villain, thou didst deny the gold's receipt; And told'st me of a mistress, and a dinner; For which, I hope, thou felt'ft I was difpleas'd.


S. Dro. I'm glad to see you in this merry vein What means this jeft, I pray you, mafter, tell me? Ant. Yea, doft thou jeer and flout me in the teeth? Think'ft thou, I jeft? hold, take thou that, and that. [Beats Dromio. S. Dro. Hold, Sir, for God's fake, now your jeft is earnest ;

Upon what bargain do you give it me?

Ant. Because that I familiarly fometimes
Do use you for my fool, and chat with you,
Your faucinefs will jeft upon my love,
And make a common of my serious hours :
When the fun fhines, let foolish gnats make sport ;
But creep in crannies, when he hides his beams:


you will jeft with me, know my aspect, And fashion your demeanour to my looks; Or I will beat this method in your fconce.

S. Dro. Sconce, call you it? fo you would leave battering, I had rather have it a head; an you use these blows long, I muft get a fconce for my head, and infconce it too, or elfe I fhall feek my wit in my fhoulders: but, I pray, Sir, why am I beaten ?

Ant. Doft thou not know?

S. Dro. Nothing, Sir, but that I am beaten.
Ant. Shall I tell you why?

S. Dro. Ay, Sir, and wherefore; for, they fay, every why hath a wherefore.

Ant. Why, firft, for flouting me; and then wherefore, for urging it the second time to me.

S. Dro. Was there ever any man thus beaten out of season,

When, in the why, and wherefore, is neither rhime nor reafon ?

Well, Sir, I thank you,"

Ant. Thank me, Sir, for what?

S. Dro. Marry, Sir, for this fomething that you gave me for nothing.

Ant. I'll make you amends next, to give you nothing for fomething. But fay, Sir, is it dinner time?

S. Dro. No, Sir, I think, the meat wants that I have.

Ant. In good time, Sir; what's that?

S. Dro. Bafting.

Ant. Well, Sir, then 'twill be dry.

S. Dro. If it be, Sir, I pray you eat none of it.
Ant. Your reason?

S. Dro. Left it make you cholerick, and purchase me another dry-bafting.

Ant. Well, Sir, learn to jest in good time; there's a time for all things.

S. Dro. I durit have deny'd that, before you were fo cholerick.

Ant. By what rule, Sir?



S. Dre.

S. Dro. Marry, Sir, by a rule as plain as the plain bald pate of father Time himself.

Ant. Let's hear it.

S. Dro. There's no time for a man to recover his hair, that grows bald by nature.

Ant. May he not do it by fine and recovery?

S. Dro. Yes, to pay a fine for a peruke, and recover the loft hair of another man.

(4) Ant. Why is Time fuch a niggard of hair, being, as it is, fo plentiful an excrement ?

S. Dro. Because it is a bleffing that he beftows on beafts; and what he hath scanted men in hair, he hath given them in wit.

Ant. Why, but there's many a man hath more hair than wit.

S. Dro. Not a man of those, but he hath the wit to lose his hair.

Ant. Why, thou didst conclude hairy men plain dealers without wit.

S. Dro. The plainer dealer, the fooner loft; yet he lofeth it in a kind of jollity.

Ant. For what reafon ?

S. Dro. For two, and found ones too.
Ant. Nay, not found, I pray you.
S. Dro. Sure ones then.

Ant. Nay, not fure in a thing falling.
S. Dro. Certain ones then.

Ant. Name them."

S. Dro. The one to fave the money that he spends in tyring, the other, that at dinner they fhould not drop in his porridge.

(4) Ant. Why is Time fuch a niggard of Hair, being, as it it, Jo plentiful an Excrement?

S. Dro. Because it is a Blessing that be beftows on Beafts, and what he bath fcanted them in bair, be bath given them in Wit.] Surely this is Mock-reasoning, and a Contradiction in Sense. Can Hair be fuppos'd a Bleffing, which Time bestows on Beafts peculiarly; and yet that he hath fcanted them of it too? Men and Them, I observe, are very frequently mistaken vice verså for each other, in the old Impreffions of our Author.

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Ant. You would all this time have prov'd, there is no time for all things.

S. Dro, Marry, and did, Sir; namely, no time to recover hair loft by nature.

Ant. But your reason was not fubftantial, why there is no time to recover.

S. Dro. Thus I mend it: Time himself is bald, and therefore to the world's end will have bald followers,

Ant. I knew, 'twould be a bald conclufion: but, foft! who wafts us yonder ?

Enter Adriana, and Luciana.

Adr. Ay, ay, Antipholis, look ftrange and frown, Some other mistress hath thy fweet aspects:

I am not Adriana, nor thy wife,

The time was once, when thou, unurg'd, would'st vow,
That never words were mufick to thine ear,
That never object pleafing in thine eye,
That never touch well welcome to thy hand,
That never meat fweet-favour'd in thy taste,
Unless I fpake, or look'd, or touch'd, or carv'd.
How comes it now, my husband, oh, how comes it,
That thou art thus eftranged from thy felf?
Thyfelf I call it, being ftrange to me ;
That, undividable, incorporate,

Am better than thy dear felf's better part.
Ah, do not tear away thyfelf from me:
For know, my love, as eafie may'st thou fall
A drop of water in the breaking gulph,
And take unmingled thence that drop again,
Without addition or diminishing,

As take from me thyfelf; and not me too.
How dearly would it touch thee to the quick,
Should't thou but hear, I were licentious?
And that this body, confecrate to thee,
By ruffian luft fhould be contaminate?
Would't thou not fpit at me, and fpurn at me,
And hurl the name of husband in my face,
And tear the stain'd skin of my harlot-brow,

I 2


And from my falfe hand cut the wedding ring,
And break it with a deep-divorcing vow?

I know thou canft; and therefore, fee, thou do it.
I am poffefs'd with an adulterate blot;

My blood is mingled with the crime of luft:
For if we two be one, and thou play false,
I do digeft the poison of thy flesh,
Being frumpeted by thy contagion.

Keep then fair league, and truce with thy true bed;
I live dif-ftain'd, thou undishonoured._(5)

Ant. Plead you to me, fair dame, I know you not!
In Ephefus I am but two hours old,

As ftrange unto your town as to your talk.

Who, every word by all my wit being scann'd,
Wants wit in all one word to understand.

Luc Fie, brother! how the world is chang'd with you;

When were you wont to use my fifter thus?

She fent for you by Dromio home to dinner.
Ant. By Dromio?

S. Dro. By me?

Adr. By thee; and thus thou didst return from him, That he did buffet thee; and in his blows

Deny'd my house for his, me for his wife.

Ant. Did you converfe, Sir, with this gentlewoman? What is the course and drift of your compact?

S. Dro. I, Sir? I never faw her 'till this time.
Ant. Villain, thou lieft; for even her very words
Didft thou deliver to me on the mart.

S. Dro. I never spoke with her in all my life.
Ant. How can the thus then call us by our names,
Unless it be by inspiration?

Adr. How ill agrees it with your gravity,
To counterfeit thus grofly with your flave,

(5) I live diftain'd, thou undishonour'd] To distaine (from the French Word, deftaindre) fignifies, to ftain, defile, pollute. But the Context requires a sense quite oppofite. We must either read, unftain'd; or, by adding an Hyphen, and giving the Prepofition a privative Force, read dif-ftain'd; and then it will mean, unftain'd, undefiled.


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