I understand the meaning now of the Persian salutation-" May your shadow never be less!" I lost mine entirely in about a fortnight that I staid at Lady Skinflint's. Two more hosts took me "at live ry" (besides the "widow" of the "officer of rank")-an apothecary who made patients of his boarders, and an attorney, who looked for clients among them. I got away from the medical gentleman rather hastily, for I found that the pastry-cook who served the house was his brother; and the lawyer was so pressing about "discounts," and "investments of property," that I never ventured to sign my name, even to a washing-bill, during the few days I was in his house: On quitting the which, I took courage, and resolved to become my own provider, and hired a "First Floor," accordingly ("unfurnished") in the neighbourhood of Bloomsbury Square. "Mutatio loci, non ingenii.” The premier coup of my new career amounted to an escape. I ordered a carte blanche outfit from an upholsterer of Piccadilly, determined to have my "apartments" unexceptionable before I entered them; and discovered, after a hundred pounds laid out in painting, decorating, and curtain fitting, that the "ground landlord" had certain claims which would be liquidated when my property "went in." This miscarriage made me so cautious, that, before I could choose again, I was the sworn horror of every auctioneer and house-agent (so called) in London. I refused twenty offers, at least, because they had the appearance of being "great bargains." Eschewed all houses, as though they had the plague, in which I found that "single gentlemen were preferred.” Was threatened with three actions of defamation for questioning the solvency of persons in business. And, at length, was so lucky as to hit upon a really desirable mansion! The "family" perfectly respectable; but had "more room" than was necessary to them. Demanded the "strictest references," and accepted no inmate for "less than a year." Into this most unexceptionable abode I conveyed myself and my property. There was guilt, Mr. North, in the landlord's eye, the moment the first puff drove me out of my drawing-room. He made an effort to say something like "damp day;" but the "amen" stuck in his throat. He could not say "amen," Mr. Editor, when I did cry "God bless us!" The whole building, from the kitchen to the garret, was infected with the malady. I had noticed the dark complexions of the family, and had concluded they were from the West-Indies,--they were smoke-dried!— "Blow high, blow low!" I suffered six weeks under excuses, knowing them to be humbug all the while. For a whole month it was "the wind;" but I saw "the wind" twice all round the compass, and found, blow which way it would, it still blew down my chimney. Then we came to "Cures." First, there were alterations at the top-new chimney-pots-cowls, hovels, and all making the thing worse. Then we tried at the bottom-grates reset, and flues contracted-still to no purpose. Then we came to burning charcoal; and in four days I was in a decline. Then we kept the doors and windows open; and in one day I got a fit of the rheumatism. And in spite of doors or windows, blowers, registers, or Count Rumford-precaution in putting on coals, or mathematical management of poker-down the enemy would come to our very faces,-poof! poof!-as if in derision! till I prayed Heaven that smoke had life and being, that I might commit murder on it at once, and so be hanged; and, at length, after throwing every moveable I could command at the grate and the chimney by turns, and paying "no cure no pay" doctors by dozens, who did nothing but make dirt and mischief, I sent for a respectable surveyor, paid him for his opinion beforehand, and heard that the fault in the chimneys was "radical," and not to be remedied without pulling the house down! I paid my twelvemonth's rent and wished only that my landlord might live through his lease. I heard afterwards, that he had himself been imposed upon; and that the house, from the first fire ever lighted in it, had been a scandal to the neighbourhood. But this whole Magazine would not suffice to enumerate the variety of wretchednesses-and smoky chimneys the very least of them!--which drove me a second time to change my plan of life; the number of lodgings that I lived in; and the inconveniences, greater or lesser, attending each. In one place, my servants quarrelled with the servants of "the people of the house." In another, "the people of the house's" servants quarrelled with mine. Here, my housekeeper refused to stay, because "the kitchen was damp," There, my footman begged I would "provide my self," as there were rats in his cockloft." Then somebody fell over a pail of water, left upon my stairs ;" and my maid" declared, "it was the other maid had put it there." Then the cats fought; and I was assured, that mine had given the first scratch. On the whole, the disputes were so manifold, and always ending in my discomfiture,for the lady of the mansion would assail me,-I never could get the gentleman to be dissatisfied, (and so conclude the controversy by kicking him down stairs,)-that, seeing one clear advantage maintained by the grand-possessor, viz. that I, when we squabbled, was obliged to vacate, and he remained where he was, I resolved, once for all, to turn the tables upon mankind at large, and become a " landlord," and a "housekeeper," in my own immediate person. 66 66 "Sir, the grey goose hath laid an egg. Sir, the old barn doth need repair. The cook sweareth, the meat doth burn at the fire. John Thomas is in the stocks; and everything stays on your arrival." I would not advise any single gentleman hastily to conclude that he is in distress. Bachelors are discontented, and take wives; footmen are ambitious, and take eating-houses. What does either party gain by the change? "We know," the wise man has said, "what we are; but we know not what we may be." In estimating the happiness of householders, I had imagined all tenants to be like myself-mild, forbearing, punctual, and contented; but I "kept house" three years, and was never out of hot water the whole time! I did manage, after some trouble, to get fairly into a creditable mansion—just missing one, by a stroke of fortune, which had a brazier's shop at the back of it, and was always shown at hours when the workmen were gone to dinner-and sent a notice to the papers, that a bachelor of sober habits having "a larger residence than he wanted," would dispose of half it to a family of respectability. But the whole world seemed to be, and I think is, in a plot to drive me out of my senses. In the first ten days of my new dignity, I was visited by about twenty tax-gatherers, half of them with claims that I had never heard of, and the other half with claims exceeding my expectations. The householder seemed to be the minister's very milch cow-the positive scapegoat of the whole community! I was called on for house-tax, window-tax, land-tax, and servant's-tax! Poor'srate, sewer's-rate, pavement-rate, and scavenger's-rate! I had to pay for watering streets on which other people walked-for lighting lamps which other people saw by-for maintaining watchmen who slept all night-and for building churches that I never went into. And-I never knew that the country was taxed till that moment !—there were but a few of the "dues" to be sheared off from me. There was the clergyman of the parish, whom I never saw, sent to me at Easter for “an offering." There was the charity-school of the parish, solicited "the honour" of my "subscription and support." One scoundrel came and told me that I was "drawn for the militia ;" and offered to to be in distress-personal beggars, who penetrated into my parlour, to send to Bridewell, or otherwise get rid of. Windows were broken, and 66 nobody" had "done it." The key of the street-door was lost, and "nobody" had "had it." Then my cook stopped up the kitchen sink; and the bricklayers took a month to open it. Then my gutter ran over, and flooded my neighbor's garret ; and I was served with notice of an action for dilapidation. And, at Christmas!-Oh! it was no longer dealing with ones and twos! -The whole hundred, on the day after that festival, rose up, by concert, to de vour me! Dustmen, street-keepers, lamplighters, turncocks-postmen, beadles, scavengers, chimney-sweeps-the whole pecus of parochial servitorship was at my gate before eleven at noon. which was nothing but faults, never Nolo conjugari!* Then the "waits" came-two sets! -and fought which should have my bounty." Rival patroles disputed whether I did or did not lie within their "beat." At one time there was a doubt as to which, of two parishes, I belonged to; and I fully expected that (to make sure) I should have been vi- I exclaimed in agony; but what could sited by the collectors from both! Meantime the knocker groaned, until She seduced me-escape was hopeless serve against the ingenuity of woman? very evening, under the dull, stunning, morning, noon, and night! She single thumps—each villain would have heard a mouse behind the wainscot, and struck, although it had been upon the I was called in to scare it. Her canary head of his own grandfather!—of ba- bird got loose--would I be so good as kers, butchers, tallow-chandlers, gro- to catch it? I fell sick, but was soon cers, fishmongers, poulterers, and oilglad to get well again; for she sent five men! Every ruffian who made his times a-day to ask if I was better; livelihood by swindling me through the besides pouring in plates of blanc whole year, thought himself entitled to mange, jellies, cordials, raspberry vinea peculiar benefaction (for his robbegars, fruits fresh from the country, and ries) on this day. And hasty-puddings made by her own hand. And, at last, after I had resisted all the constant borrowing of books, the eternal interchange of newspapers, and the daily repair of crow-quills, the opinions upon wine, the corrections of hackney coachmen, and the recommendation of a barber to the poodle dog;--at last-Oh! the devil take all wrinkled stair carpets, stray pattens, and bits of orange-peel dropped upon the ground! Mrs.F. - sprained her ankle, and fell down at my very drawing-room door! "Host! Now by my life I scorn the name!" All this was child's play-bagatelle, I protest, and "perfumed," to what I had to go through in the "letting off" of my dwelling! The swarm of cro codiles that assail me, on every fine day-three fourths of them, to avoid an impending shower, or to pass away a stupid morning-in the shape of stale dowagers, city coxcombs, "professional gentlemen," and "single ladies!" And all (except a few that were swindlers) finding something wrong about my arrangements! Gil Blas' mule, Was this Latin or Yorkshire?-C. N. This resolution, Mr. Editor, compelled me to shelter myself in "furnished lodgings," where the most of accommodation, (sublunary!) after all, I believe, is to be found. I had sad work, as you may imagine, to find my way at first. Once I ventured to inhabit (as there was no board in the case) with a surgeon. But, what between the patients and the resurrection-men, the "night bell" was intolerable; and he ordered the watchman too, I found, to pull it privately six or seven times aweek, in order to impress the neighbour hood with an opinion of his practice. From one place, I was driven away by a music-master, who gave concerts opposite to me; and, at a second, after two days abiding, I found that a madman was confined on the second floor! Two houses I left, because my hostesses made love to me. Three, because parrots were kept in the streets. One, because a cock (who would crow all night) came to live in a yard at the back of me; and another, in which I had staid two months (and should perhaps have remained till now) because a boy of eight years old-there is to me no earthly creature so utterly intolerable as a boy of eight years old!came home from school to pass "the holidays." I had thoughts-I don't care who knows it-of taking him off by poison; and bought two raspberry tarts to give him arsenic in, as I met him on the stairs, where he was, up and down, all day. As it is, I have sent an order to Seven Dials, to have an "early delivery" of all the "Dying Speeches" for the next ten years. I did this, in order that I may know when he is hanged-a fact I wish particularly to ascertain, because his father and I had an altercation about it. Experience, however, gives lights; and a "furnished lodging" is the best arrangement among the bad. I had seven transitions last month, but that was owing to accidents; a man who chooses well may commonly stay a fortnight in a place. Indeed, as I said in the beginning, I have been ten days where I am; and I don't, up to this moment, see clearly what point I shall go away upon. The mistress of the house entertains a pet monkey -failing all issue of her own; and I have got a new footman, who, I understand, plays upon the fiddle. The matter,I suspect, will lie between these two. I am most nervous myself about the monkey. He broke loose the other day. I saw him escape over the next garden wall, and drop down by the side of a middle-aged gentleman, who was setting polyanthuses! The respectable man, as was prudent, took refuge in a summer-house; and then he pulled up all the polyanthuses; and then tried to get in at the summer-house window ! I think that Eh!-Why, what the deuce is all this?-Why, the room is full of smoke! Why, what the devil-Thomas!— [I ring the bell violently.]-Thomas! [I call my new footman.]—Tho-o-omas!-Why, some rascal has set the house on fire. Enter THOMAS. Indeed, no, your honour-indeedno-it-it's only the chimney. The chimney! you dog!-get away this moment and put it out. Stay! -Thomas!--The villain's gone !-Come back,I say, what chimney is it? Thomas.Only the kitchen chimney,sir. Only the kitchen chimney! you rascal, how did you do it? Thomas. I was only tuning my fiddle, you honour; and Mary, housemaid, flung the rosin into the fire. His fiddle!-Mr. North, I knew it would happen. Where's the landlord? Thomas. He's not at home, sir. Where's his wife? Thomas. She's in fits, sir. You scoundrel, you'll be hanged, to a certainty !—There's a statute for you, caitiff! there is. Come, sir-comestrip, and go up the chimney directly. -Strip! or I'll kill you with the toasting fork, and bury your body in the dust-hole. No back-door! [Enter the Cook, with the monkey on her back. The knocking continues.] Cook. Oh laws, sir! We shall all be destructed, sir!-Oh laws! where is your honour's double-barrelled gun? My gun?-up stairs. What d'ye want with the gun? Cook. Oh laws, sir! if it was to be shot off up the chimney, it would surely put it out. She's right. Run, Thomas! At the head of the bed. Away with you. Mind-it's loaded-take care what you are about. [Enter the cat, with a tail as thick as my arm, galloping round the room.] Zounds and death, what's to be done?-My life's not insured!-I must get out of the house. [Rattling of wheels, and cries of "Fire!" in the street.] Oh, the devil! here comes the parish engine, and with as many thieves with it as might serve six parishes!-Shut the doors below, I say. [Calling down stairs.] Don't let 'em in. Thomas!-The house will be gutted from top to bottom!-Thomas!--Take it from her!-He don't hear Where is that rascally servant of mine! me. Thomas !-She's going to fire it, Thomas!-[Calling in all directions.] as I live!-Yes! she's sitting down in I-I must see, myself. the grate!-Thomas!-With her body [Scene changes to the kitchen. The half way up the chimney!-Thomas! housemaid in hysterics under the dresser.] Phooh! what a smell of sulphur! -Thomas!-Do your chimneys ever take fire in Scotland, Mr. Editor? Thomas!—I remember it was on a Friday I hired him!-Thomas!-[I find him in the jack-towel.]-Take a wet blanket, you rascal,and get thro' the garret window. Crawl up the tiles,you wretch, and muffle the chimney-pot! Madam!-[The landlady clings round my neck.]-Madam-for Heaven's sake!-There is no danger, I assure you.-[She clings tighter.]-Or, if there is, we had better embrace after it's over. You'll die by me?" -No, no; not for the world. Throw some pails of water on the grate, for Heaven's sake!--Damn the monkey! how he gets between one's legs! Thommas! [The tumult increases.] Thomas! Thomas. [Down the chimney.] Sir! One more peep [I run up stairs] from the window. Hark, how they knock without!—Rat-tat-tat-tat! As I live, here are a dozen engines, fifty firemen, and four thousand fools!—I must be off!-Thomas !-[He enters]I must escape. Thomas! I'll sepulchre you but not yet. Show me the back-door. Thomas. There is none, sir. I've been trying to get out myself. 28 ATHENEUM VOL. 1. new series. There they go!-They have found it. Now they are down stairs. Why, zounds! the woman has got the gun! Death! the woman's a fool. Bang! bang! [Report heard!] Ah! there she goes backwards!-It's all up! Here comes the soot, in cart-loads, all over her!-Thomas! you rascal! --She's killed!-No, egad! she's up, and running. Don't let her come near me. Margery! Pshaw! What's her name ?-She's running towards the the street door !-Margery!-Why, she's all on fire, and as black as a sootbag!-Why, stop her, I say.-Ah! she gets into the street. Thomas!Margery!-Everybody! The woman will be burned to death! [Shouts without, and noise of water. Ha![I run to the window.]-Huzza!— The engines are playing upon her !!! That infernal footman! he is my fate--and I thought it would be the monkey! Enter Thomas. Come in, you sneaking scoundrel. Is the woman burnt? Thomas. No, sir,-she's only singed. Singed! you Beelzebub's bastard!-Curse the monkey-stop him—he's gone off with my gold spectacles! Mr. North, if you have compassion, hear a man of five-and-forty's prayer! I can't stay here!-where am I to go to? If you should think-Thomas! I must get into a hackney coach!— If you should think--Call me a hack |