Which is the easier profession, a doctor's or a clergyman's? A clergyman's: he preaches, the doctor practices. Why is the letter "i" in Cicero like Arabia? It is between two seas. What nation is most likely to win in the end? Determination. What ladies best represent soap? The maids of Castile. When is a man like a whale? When he's spouting. Why are opera companies like the American flag? Because they have stars. When is a man in pain like a soldier on duty? When getting relief. Why are blind people very sympathetic? Because they feel for their friends. When is love like a chicken bone? When it is hidden in the breast. When is a soldier like beef? When he is in quarters. What insects are like false men? Fleas; they back bite. When is a banana like an Indian? When it is red-skinned. When is a man in a frame of gilt (guilt)? When he is looking out of a prison window. What is the easiest way to pack a trunk? Let some one else do it. What do men usually grow on poor land? Grow lazy. What medical treatment would people who jump from the Brooklyn bridge prefer? Hy-drop--athy. What is the most attractive thing about a toboggan? A pretty girl. What is the easiest way to cut a swell? Snub a dude. If the devil lost his tail where would he get another? Where they retail bad spirits. Why is a crow? Caws. What is a hen dog? A setter. Why is cutting off an elephant's head different from cutting off any other,head? When you separate the head from the body you dont take it from the trunk. There is a father, with twice six sons; these sons have thirty daughters apiece, partly-colored, having one cheek black and the other white, who never see each other's face, nor live above twenty-four hours. A year. What is the difference between vegetable soup and pretty girl? One is herb soup and the other is su-perb. What is the meanest uncle in the world? A carb-uncle. When is a baby like a cannibal? When it eats its pap. Who killed the greatest number of chickens? Hamlet's uncle did murder most foul. What's the difference between the Prince of Wales and water in a fountain? One is heir to the throne, and the other is thrown to the air. How can you make an overcoat last? By making the undercoat first. Why was Adam the first in the market business? He had the first spare rib. What is the best thing to do when you go shopping with ladies? Take notes. Why is the letter T like Easter? It's the last of Lent. How can it be proven that a horse has six legs? Because he has fore legs in front and two behind. Why are babies like new flannel? Because they shrink from washing. Why is wheat like a baby? Because it is first cradled, then thrashed, and then becomes the flour (flower) of the family. How does light get through a prism? It hews (hues) its way through. When is a pie like a poet? When it is Browning. What can pass before the sun without making a shadow? 'The wind. If I were in the sun and you were out of it, what would the sun become? Sin. What is the most unfortunate vegetable they could have on board a ship? A leek. Why did Noah object to the letter "d?" Because it made the ark dark. Why does a rooster always have his feathers smooth? Because he always carries his comb with him. What is love? It is a feeling that you don't want another fellow fooling around her. A celebrated lawyer once said that the three most troublesome clients he ever had were a young lady who wanted to be married, a married woman who wanted a divorce, and an old maid who didn't know what she wanted. "I say, landlord, that's a dirty towel for a man to wipe on." The landlord, with a look of amazement, replied: "Well, you're mighty particular. Sixty or seventy of my boarders have wiped on that towel this morning, and you are the first one to find fault." A boy, having been praised for his quickness of reply, a gentleman observed,-" When children are so keen in their youth, they are generally stupid when they become advanced in years." "What a very sensible boy you must have been, sir,"-replied the lad. Teacher: "John, what are your boots made of?" Boy: "Of "From leather." "Where does the leather come from?" the hide of the ox." "What animal, therefore, supplies you with boots and gives you enough to eat?" "My father." A young woman went into a public library and asked for "Man as he is." "That is out, Miss," said the librarian; "but we have 'Woman as she should be'." She took the book and the hint too. A man, upon the verge of bankruptcy, having purchased an elegant coat, upon credit, and being told by one of his acquaintances that the coat was too short replied, with a sigh-"It will be long enough before I get another." The Rev. Mr. Whitfield was once accused, by one of his hearers of rambling in his discourse; to which he replied: -"If you will ramble like lost sheep, I must ramble after you." A grave digger who had buried a Mr. Button, sent the following curious bill to his widow:-To making a buttonhole, One Dollar. Tommy was a little rogue, whom his mother had hard work to manage. Their house in the country was raised a few feet from the ground, and Tommy, to escape a well deserved whipping, ran from his mother and crept under the house. Presently the father came home, and hearing where the boy had taken refuge, crept under to bring him out. As he approached on his hands and knees, Tommy asked, “Is she after you too?" Drink, fair maid, from the spring that bubbles up, And I from those white hands would rather drink, Thou kneelest here-for what grace dost thou plead? Mrs. Hopeful.-Is my boy improving any? His He'll be a great Old Doctor Gray was at the dance, When Ethel said with merry glance, 66 Doctor, don't you dance the lancers?" "No, my dear, I lance the dancers." A little boy in a Milford school received his first day's instruction last week. Before night he had learned to recognize and spell one word. "Now," said the teacher, "you can tell your grandmother to-night how to spell "ox. "My grandmother knows how to spell it," indignantly replied the loyal little fellow: "She's teached school." I told her of my three years' cruise, She softly cried, "You don't say so!" She faltered forth, "I want to know!" SUPPLEMENT TO One Hundred Choice Selections, No.30 CONTAINING SENTIMENTS For Public Occasions; WITTICISMS For Home Enjoyment; LIFE THOUGHTS For Private Reflection; As jewels incased in a casket of gold, Dryden It is better, by agreeing with truth, to conquer opinion, than by agreeing with opinion to conquer truth. New occasions teach new duties; Time makes ancient good uncouth, Epictetus. Lowell. Life hath no blessing like an earnest friend; than treasured wealth more precious, than the power of monarchs, and the people's loud applause. Euripides. Can gold calm passion or make reason thine? Can we dig peace or wisdom from the mine? Wisdom to gold prefer; for 'tis much less To make our fortune than our happiness. No fountain is so small but that heaven may be imaged in its bosom. Hawthorne, Young. Bring flowers to the shrine where we kneel in prayer, With a voice of promise they come and part, They break forth in glory,-bring flowers, bright flowers. Mrs. Hemans. |