225 How to fe cure the So that fober married women rightly infer, that obliged, in common prudence, to fecure the affec- they are tion of their hufbands, by putting on fuch good qualities of the mind, as will render them accep- bufband's table to wife and fober men, even when their affections. beauty is decayed. And where men difcern the fear of God and a fenfe of religion in their wives, and fee them manage their affairs with wifdom and difcretion, and discharge the duties of every state, mother, wife or mistress of a family, with diligenceand prudence, they cannot refift fuch qualities as thefe; which give them grace and comelinefs throughout, and render them most lovely in the eyes of all; and will give them grace and favour in the fight of God as well as man. From the whole it then appears, that the faults of a husband cannot excufe a wife from thefe duties, as well in The faults regard to the commandment of God, as to her of the buf band acquit own and husband's welfare; for harfh or bad not from ufage can never be fuppofed a proper means to re- thefe dutiec. claim a bad husband: therefore, fays St. Peter, Likewife, ye wives, be in fubjection to your own husbands, that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of their wives, while they behold your chafte conversation coupled with fear; whofe adorning, let it not be the outward adorning, of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; but let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet fpirit, which is in the fight of God of great price. For after this manner, in the old time, the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in fubjection unto their own hufbands. Such behaviour as this would much conduce to the quiet of families; for it is notorious that the contentious woman often drives otherwife a peaceable and good husband from his family; which feldom fails to carry him into fuch places where he may contract the bad habits of drunkenness, company-keeping, or fome worfe qualifications that may bring them to poverty, and never after be reclaimed. Yet after all, III. It In the cafe fan adul erous buf band. III. It is a proper question to ask, How a woman is obliged to behave herself, when she is sure her husband wanders from her bed? Or, how far fhe is to exercife a meek and quiet fpirit on fuch ill-usage ? This has been the fubject of many inquiries and we learn both from the laws of God and man, that in such a cafe, where it can be proved clearly, the laws of the land will, if the pleases, release her from her bands; they will leave her at liberty. But this liberty is not to be humourfome; if the again cohabit with her husband, the is prefumed to have forgiven his fin, and his former trefpafs will not be a juft occafion for her leaving him, when the thinks fit. This will How to re- prove her religion and difcretion; for she is unclaim them. doubtedly obliged to procure the converfion of her husband from his evil ways, by all the methods the poffibly can; but she is not obliged to hurt herself on this account; as far as admonitions can bring him to a sense of his injurious ufage, and occafion his amendment, the will do well to endeavour it. She may alfo engage fober people, fober people, fpiritual guides, or grave relations, to work his converfion, and never with fecrecy and tenderness fuffer fin, when she can remove it. Yet, if the be properly affured, that the man is of a churlish humour, that the very discovery of his wicked folly will harden him in his fin, or provoke him to ufe her cruelly, the is not in that cafe obliged to endeavour to reclaim him: for fo long as the prudent wife takes care that her connivance or diffembled ignorance, her compliance and her filence, or her patience and fubmiffion, give no countenance to her wicked partner to profecute his unlawful love, she is without blame; she is not obliged to make herself miferable, by The advan- endeavouring to make him good. Awife may permit what the cannot prevent, and by fuch permiffion defend herself from wrongs; The may lawfully enjoy all the advantage that living with her hufband can afford her, and avoid the mifchiefs that would attend a feparation: in this cafe they have need of a meek and quiet fpirit, nothing can ftand them in better ftead: gentle ufage wins moft upon hardened minds; men are fooner perfuaded by filence, when it fhews fubmiffion without fullen tages of a avife's meekness to berfelf. nefs, nefs, than by angry arguments. Superiority is claimed by man as his prerogative, which a meek quiet fpirit will yield to him, even while it difarms him: fubmiffion vanquishes without refiftance, whereas one difpute begets another. Meeknefs, patience, and forbearance are of that natural force as to remove all matter of contention; they excite a fense of shame, and gratitude, and honour, and leave the tranfgreffor to confider the evil he has done. The buf love. IV. Our method now leads to recollect what that duty is, which the husbands owe to their wives. The apostle having faid, Wives, fubmit yourselves to band owes your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord; he adds, to his wife Hufbands, love your Wives, and be not bitter against them: leaving it as much a duty on the hufbands to love their wives, as on the wives to fubmit themselves to their own husbands. And indeed, the husband first promises to love his wife, before the promises to obey him: * and confequently as his love is the condition of her obedience, he must blame himself for her after-difobedience, if he has withdrawn his love. Now love of hufbands to wives is being kindly affectioned to their perfons. This is what is fo properly called love, that nothing besides it is thought fo; and it is abfolutely necessary to the making marriage eafy and happy; nothing elfe can do it. Religion, difcretion, and good qualities, birth, education, and eftate, are all to be confidered, in their several measures and degrees to make a marriage life laftingly happy: yet neither honour, nor refpect, nor efteem, can make wives happy; but a tenderness of affection, which they had rather have; without which, the reft are formality and infipid courtship, a facrifice without a heart towards them: fo that it comes to pafs that many men are counted happy, and might indeed be so, in the good qualities and discretion of their partners, who yet are otherwife, for want of this hearty affection, which will fupply many defects, and make amends for many failings, will cover many faults, and make family inconveniencies lighter. Therefore confidering how much the happiness of a man depends upon his choice, he cannot anfwer See the man and the woman's promife in the office of matrimony, answer it to God, or man, or himself, that marries where he does not, or cannot place his real affections. No law obliges a man to marry; but he is obliged to love the woman whom he has taken in marriage. The apoftlewell adviseth the husband, that, dwelling with his wife according to knowledge, he should give honour unto her, as unto the weaker veffel; i. e. fhould treat her with all lenity and softness, even as veffels, which are of a finer, but weaker contexture, are to be handled with greater caution and tenderness. And indeed, whoever gives himself time to conFor what fider to what extraordinary difficulties and fufferreasons. ings, God, by his order and appointment, has most unavoidably subjected and expofed the women above men, as well by their own natural frame and make, as by a great many fad, but ufual accidents, will fee himself obliged, in common pity, to deal gently with them, to fuftain them under their infirmities, and by patience and forbearance to endeavour to make their burthen lighter: and if he confiders farther, notwithstanding these disadvantages, of what fingular ufe and benefit a good and prudent companion, in all the viciffitudes of life, is; what folace in health, what comfort in fickness, what help in distress, what fecurity in trouble is occafioned by her means; and above all, what labour and hardships, what watchings and difquietudes, as well as the many humble offices, fhe is content to bear, with all the chearfulness and delight imaginable, in bringing up the children, that are the delight of his eyes, and the ftrength of his old age; he that confiders this, I fay, instead of taking pleafure in oppofing and infulting the wife of his bofom, will find himself bound in gratitude, and by the mutual pledges of their love, to nourish and cherish her, even as his own fleth. When men will not confider the imperfections of human And must make al Lowances for others imperfec nature, nor remember their own mistakes; if they will take advantages, and make ill-natured reflections on the weakneffes of their partners, and make them topicks of upbraidings and revilings, there will be no love and mutual kindness; for all creatures are imperfect, and stand in need of patience and forgivenefs; more especially in a conftant converfation. And tions. in the management of family affairs, there will unavoidably arife occafions of difagreement: and if there be not a readinefs to make the kindeft conftruction of each other's actions, the conjugal affection will vanish away. But, when a man confiders as he ought to do, that it is his intereft, as well as duty to love his partner, it is worthy his choice to be a good hufband; for it is the wifeft thing he can do for his prefent ease and fatisfaction. Another duty is to prove the fincerity of his love by a strict faithfulness to the marriage-bed: For a christian Of faithmarriage requires mutual fidelity, and the perfor- fulness. mance of their promise made to forfake all other perfons, and to adhere closely to each other, fo long as they both fall live. *This is fuppofed in all contracts; and verbally expreffed and actually engaged for, in all regular marriages; and to this fidelity the men are equally obliged with the women, and in the violation of it there is both injuftice and perjury; because they break a folemn promife, and do a great injury. A man, perchance, may be fo far gone in favour to himself, as to think slightly of his own offences: in this cafe let him confider whether he would not think his mother or daughter, &c. injured, if their husbands should wander from their bed in purfuit of unhallowed pleafures; and as he judges they would resent the injuftice of their husbands, let him imagine that his own wife refents his, and bears it with the fame difcontent. Nor would I be thought to confine these reflections to the open and notorious; for the moft concealed and fecret frequenting of the company of lewd women will corrupt the hearts even of thofe that intend to be good husbands; for the virtuous declines as faft as the diforderly affection gains ground; it ends at best in formal cold civilities, but more commonly in hatred and aversion, in quarrel and contest, churlish or brutal ufage; nay, and fometimes in tragical events for it is a vain mistake for any husband to think he hall live easily with his partner, be her affection ever fo ftrong to him, while he is cold to her in this particular. Again, See fidelity, in the duty of wives, Sunday 9. Section ii. and the man and yoman's promites in the office of matrimony. |