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and Mew me wherein I had done amifs : promising, and resolving thro' his Grace, that I would do so no more.
UPON this I was struck with a very great Concern for my giving way to the afore-mention'd Delusions; and was made throughly sensible that I was not so far out of the reach of the Devil, as to be out of danger; or to be above the Influence and Power of his Temptations. For tho’ he should not be able to draw me totally, and wholly away from Chrift, and the Salvation he has purchas'd for me, yet by complying with his Suggestions, I offended my God, and provok'd him to lessen and withdraw the Manifestations of his Love: And I found that if I did not keep close to him in the way of Duty, he would not draw nigh to me in a way of Confolation. Then I saw that I should foon become a Prey to my watchful Enemy, if left to my self. Therefore till I had cruly, and sincerely humbled my self for that Sin, I could not regain my for mer Comforts. Here I learn'd from my own Experience, that all my Care, and Endeavours; all my Watchfulness, and Striving, would be little enough, with
Divine Grace, and Aslistances to keep me from falling. Nor could I expect, or de pend upon the Aids, and Asistances of God, if I did not continue importunately to request 'em, and feek for them. .
THE Truth of these things the great God is a Witness to; whose dealings with me I have faithfully, but cannot now fully give an account of. I am Conscious I have omitted a great deal that might have been worthy of recording, thro' my forgetfulness : Never designing to commit any thing of this nature to Writing till of late. Nor would I do it now in Oftentation, or as one that thinks I have any Cause to boast; but in the deepest Humility and self Abasement. It is not owing to my self that I am what I am ; 'tis wholly to be ascrib'd to the free Grace of God : who will have Mercy, on whom he will have Mercy, O Lord! thou sawest nothing in me more than in others, for the sake of which thou shouldīt set thy Love upon me." If some had been blessed with the Advantages that I have had, they would have improv’d them much better than I have done. : Adored be thy Name, that thou haft chofen me as á Vessel of ...!!
Mercy, Mercy, and made me a Monument of thy Astonishing Grace and Goodness.
N O W to what has been related, I
I would further Add the following general Experiences and Observations.
I HAVE always found that God is Faithful to his Word in fulfilling all the Promises on which I have hoped from time to time. That the ways of Holiness are indeed ways of Pleasantness, and all its Paths Peace.
THE more I know of God, the beta ter I love him; and I every day encrease and enlarge my Admiration of his Wif. dom and Kindness in my first Conversion, and in healing my after Backlidings; and in making me return to him, and my Duty, when at any time I am straying and wandering from him.
WHEN I have for a season been under Dejection and Darkness; my Hopes clouded, and my Comfort decaying and abating ; I can, and must say 'tis all owing to my self; and not to my God; and
(81) ought to be charged upon my departing and turning aside from him, not his leaving of me. The blame is wholly to be laid at my own door, that I find no greater pleasure in the Ways and Service of God than I do.
I CÁ N truly fay Í have Cause to thank God for Afflictions as well as Mer. cies. This I have daily confirmations of the truth of, that Crosses, Disappointments and Uncalinesses in the World, tend to the bettering of my Soul; and to puc me upon a closer walking with God; and a more serious careful discharging my Duty. O Lord, whither fhould I have been got e're this time, if all things had gone as I would have had them ?
BLESSED be God he, bestows many Mercies upon me; a thousand times more than I deserve : And, I am perfuaded if I could improve them; and it were best for me; I should have all thác Í desire.
AS I grow up into the World, and find Temptations stronger, and stronger both within, and without; fo I find the
Grace, and Assistances of God proportionably encreasing As my Day is, my, Strength is also.
EVERY Day opens a fresh Scene of God's Goodness and Wisdom in the difpensations of Providence. In all, I can say, that I have really seen 'em work to. gether for my Good.
I HAVE often met with Anfwers to Prayer : I never call upon Gọd Sincerely and Earnestly, and as I ought to do, but he grants any Petition; if it is best for me. And I am fully satisfy'd he never denies me any Worldly Benefit, or Advantage ; but when it is a Mercy to do so.
IT has always been my greatest Sorrow and Trouble, that" I could walk no more fteddily in the ways of God: That I am not more Holy, and Heavenly: more Exemplary and Instruative to others, in my Life and Conversa