ways victorious, or at least came off without hazard, which is very far different from what men generally think, that when a man is diffident and distrusts himself, that then he is not fit for managing any other undertaking; and this is indeed true when he is carnally diffident. But where there is a distrust of self, with an eye to the Lord, it is very far otherwise. 6. He taught me the use and necessity, and glory of that provision that is made by the covenant of grace for guilt; it writes to us all to persuade us from, and enable us to prevail against sin: "But if any man sin," through the power of temptation, it lets us see 66 an Advocate with the Father, and blood that cleanseth from all sin." 7. He let me see his holy jealousy, and how displeased he was with me for my cleaving to sin so long, and sinful forbearance. Because I would not slay them as the Lord appointed me, and when he required it, therefore he left them like the nations of Canaan, to tempt and to try me. The sins that now molested me, and frequently cast me down, were those that I sought to spare before; God cried often to me to part with them, and I would not hear, and now God would not hear when I cried to be rid of them: "Thou wast a God that forgavest their iniquities, but thou tookest vengeance of their inventions." 8. The Lord by this did humble, and prove, and let me see what was in my heart, even a great deal more wickedness than I suspected. 9. The Lord instructed me, that this is not my rest, and made me value heaven more than otherwise I would have done. 10. He discovered the riches and extent of that forgiveness that is with

him, that it reaches to iniquity, transgression, and That is, sins of all sorts, multiplied relapses

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not excepted. He that requires us to forgive to seventy times seven in a day, will not do less. Yea, he tells us, that in this respect his "thoughts are as far above ours, as the heavens are above the earth." And finally, the Lord hereby fitted me to compassionate others who are tempted, and comfort them. Thus I was made a gainer by my losses and falls, to the praise of his grace.

After some years struggling, the Lord made me lay aside all prejudices against proper means, and wait on him in the use of them all, with some eye to him, and then he gave me, in some measure, a victory: "Thanks be to God, who giveth us the victory."

CHAPTER V.

An Account of my Exercise about the Guilt of Sin, the Means of obtaining Pardon, and the Intimations thereof.

THE power of indwelling sin being still great, and, through its own activity, occasional temptations, more fixed advantages, and my own mistakes and negligence, frequently prevalent, I was cast into frequent perplexities about its guilt: "There was no soundness in my bones," no rest in my conscience for sins that I had done.

Besides sins of infirmity, sometimes my corrup

tions did, through my sloth, neglect of proper means, and the advantages they otherwise had from temptations, and from their being rooted in my nature, bear me down, and carry me captive, prevail against me, and carry me, not only into the commission of grosser evils, at least in heart, and omission of duties, but even into frequently repeated relapses into these commissions and omissions; these being sins against light, engagements, obligations, intimations of love, the guilt of them was heavy upon my conscience, and I was much perplexed about them; my bones were broken, my conscience defiled exceedingly, and wounded for them.

At some times, when I fell into such sins, when self and pride prevailed, or the evils I was more deeply determined against obtained any notable advantage, I was, by "the deceitfulness of sin," for a time hardened and insensible, like David, after his foul fall. But then, 1. While it was so, grace languished, "the things that remained were ready to die." 2. The Lord hid himself; I had no countenance in duty; while this regard to sin continued, all was out of order.

At other times, I had no sooner complied, but my heart instantly smote me; and I was presently with Peter after his fall, called and stirred up to the exercise of repentance, and inquiries after forgiveness. But sooner or later the Lord awakened me out of this security, and, sometimes by one mean, and sometimes by another, set my sins in order before mine eyes. 1. Sometimes he visited me with some outward affliction, and hid himself, and then I was put

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under a blessed necessity of seeking after him, and inquiring into the reason of his withdrawing, and laying his hand on me. When I was "bound in the cords of affliction," he showed to me my transgressions that I had committed. "I will go and return to my place, till they acknowledge their offence, and seek my face; in their affliction they will seek me early." 2. He sometimes remarkably punished me, and wrote my sin upon my punishment: “Because, when I knew God, I glorified him not as God, neither was thankful; but became vain in my imaginations:" therefore God, though he gave me not (glory to his name)" to vile affections," yet he let them loose to molest me. He, as it were, gave a commission to the King of Egypt, Assyria, or Babylon, some of my powerful neighbouring enemies, evils to which I had formerly been in bondage, with which I had been in friendship, on which to my wounding, I had doted, and therefore now hated above all others, to some one or other, or it may be more, gave he a commission or permission to invade me: and then I began to consider what I had done, and open mine eyes when I was in the strait, and closely assaulted by them. 3. Sometimes again, and most frequently, by his word and Spirit in ordinances, he roused me, and laid, as it were, his finger on the sore, told me all that I had done, he sent a Nathan that told, "Thou art the man." Whoever get away with sin, his own will not get leave to lie still, though they may lie long in it: " You only have I known, of all the families of the earth; therefore I will punish you for all your iniquities.”

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When the Lord discovered sin to me, then was my soul troubled. 1. A sense of the wrath of God was let into my conscience, which at sometimes was very terrible. I had no rest, because his indignation went forth against me. The poison of his arrows drunk up my spirits." 2. My soul was filled with shame, while a sense of innumerable evils, and especially such as imported ingratitude and wretched unkindness, lay heavy on my conscience, I could not look up for blushing. I lay down in my shame, and my confusion covered me. 3. I was cast into dreadful fears, lest the Lord should " in anger shut up his tender mercies, and be gracious no more," and I should not get pardon, or at least a sense of any more.

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Satan, who waited for my halting, finding me in this case, frequently tempted me to give over duty. 1. He told me over all the marks of God's displeasure, and put the worst construction on every thing, as he did with Cain. 2. He hereon tempted me to draw this conclusion, that my sin was greater than that it could be forgiven, and that so there was succour in God" for me. And, 3. He told me, there was no more forgiveness; God's mercy was at an end; he had "forgotten to be gracious:" and attempted to prove it, by the unsuccessfulness of my endeavours; and therefore inferred, that it was to no purpose to "wait any longer."

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But the Lord graciously broke the force of this temptation. 1. Sometimes by faint discoveries of forgiveness: "who can tell but he may be gracious." 2. By reminding me of former kindness, the "years