the restraint that present conviction put on me, shook all. And I was confounded at the thought of appearing before God, in a righteousness so plainly ragged, that where it had one piece, it wanted two. 2. Though these ways gave some ease, while trials were at a distance; yet when the thoughts of death came near, I found no quiet in them. This was not gold tried in the fire, nor would it abide so much as a near-hand view of a trial; but at the very appearance of a storm, this sandy foundation shook. 3. Whenever convictions were awakened as to new sins, convictions for old ones also recurred, which showed that the cure was not perfect.* Behold all ye that kindle a fire, that compass yourselves about with sparks: walk in the light of your fire, and in the sparks that ye have kindled. This shall of mine hand, ye shall lie down in sorrow."

ye have

1.

The effects of this exercise that remained and increased afterwards, were principally these three. I was brought into a doubt about the truths of religion, the being of a God, and things eternal. This hesitation was not from any arguments that offered themselves against these truths; or from any suspicion of ministers, parents, or others, from whom I had received them; but merely from this, that whenever, in danger or straits, I would build on them, a suspicion secretly haunted me, What if the things are not? Whence I was brought to think that I had not certainty and evidence about them, answerable to

* Consider Heb. x. 2, 3.. Where conscience of sin remains after the use of means, it argues their weakness.

the weight that was to be laid on them. I thought death, and the trouble attending it, were certain and sensible things; but I could not get my mind so satisfied, and fully assured upon the truths of religion. Still, when under apprehensions of death, I would have taken rest in the truths of religion, the persuasion failed me, and my mind began to waver; though I could give no reason of this: "The way of the wicked is as darkness: they know not at what they stumble." 2. I was hereby persuaded, and this persuasion ever after increased in strength, that I could never have peace, till I came to another sort of evidence and certainty about the truths of religion, than I was yet acquainted with. Death I saw inevitable, it might be very sudden; I was capable of being impressed with the forethoughts of it, and could not banish them. Therefore, concluded I, unless I obtain such a conviction of religion, and such an interest in it, as will make me not only look at death without fear, but go through with comfort, "better for me I had never been;" but how or where this was to be obtained, I was utterly uncertain.. Here I lay in great perplexity, under the melancholy impression, that I had hitherto "spent my money for that which is not bread, and my labour for that which profiteth not." 3. This perplexity was somewhat relieved, while one day or other reading in the close of the Fulfilling of the Scriptures, how Mr. Robert Bruce was shaken about the being of a God, and how at length he came to the fullest satisfaction; by which a hope secretly sprung up, that one time or other, and in one way or other, the like might be

fal me, and that the Lord might satisfy me in this. Here was the dawning of a light, that, though for long it did not fully clear up, yet was never put wholly out again; though it was far from satisfying, yet it kept me from despair, as to the issue: "And he took the blind man by the hand, and led him out of the town; and when he had spit on his eyes, and put his hands on him, he asked him if he saw ought. And he looked up, and said, I see men as trees walking." But, notwithstanding all this, "the veil still

remained untaken away."

About this time, one Mr. Donaldson, a reverend old minister, preached at Perth, and coming to visit my mother, he called for me; and, among other questions, he asked me if I sought a blessing on my learning? To which I ingenuously answered, No. He replied with an austere look, "Sirrah, unsanctified learning has done much mischief to the kirk of God." This saying stuck to me ever after, and left a deep impression on me; so that whenever I was any way straitened, I applied to God by prayer, for help in my learning, and pardon for not seeking his blessing. But this was only when more than ordinarily difficulted.

But as to my general disposition, all this exercise left me where I was before, afar off from God, and "an enemy to him in my mind, which I evidenced by wicked works.'

CHAPTER III.

An Account of the Increase of my Convictions, during my stay at Edinburgh, from harvest 1690, or 1691, till May 1693, and the vain Refuges to which I took myself for Relief.

My mother designing to have me well educated, for the advantage of better schools, she removed to Edinburgh, in harvest 1690, or 1691, and fixed me at Mr. Gavin Weir's school, where I staid (except only for the space of some months that I abode in Carlop's family, and was educated with his children and some others, by one who had been an under teacher to Mr. Weir, and after his removal taught a few privately) till November 1692, when I entered the college, under Mr. Alexander Cunningham. Here it was my mercy, that I became acquainted with sober comrades, and bookishly inclined. this it is not my design to narrate; and therefore I proceed to observe the steps of the Lord's work with me as to my soul.

But

While I abode here, the Lord gave not over his dealings with me: "About the time of forty years, suffered he their manners in the wilderness." Long also did he bear with my manners. In this place the work went on. For, 1. As knowledge increased, so convictions increased, if not in force, yet in number; still, as knowledge of the law grew, which it daily did under the means of grace, the

knowledge of sin also grew: "For by the law is the knowledge of sin.” The Lord daily let me see, that he was wrath on account of sins that formerly I had not noticed: "These things thou hast done, and I kept silence: thou thoughtest I was such an one as thyself; but I will reprove thee, and set thy sins in order before thee." 2. By new afflictions, the impressions of my mortality were riveted, and I was still the further in bondage, through the growing fears of death. 3. The word being daily preached, and daily meeting with me, forced me, though anwilling, to make some inquiry into my sincerity in religion, of which I now made some profession. A close word will at length even bring a Judas to say, "Master, is it I?" 4. The means of grace, to save some bosom-idols, engaged me, like Herod, "to do many things, and hear the word gladly." The means by which these effects were wrought, were, 1. The preaching of the word. By the two-edged sword that goes out of his mouth," the Lord did oft wound me, and the secrets of my heart were made manifest. I found the word a discerner of the thoughts of the heart and its intents." 2. The Lord made use of the rod. He laid his hand on me. When I was well and in health, the word did not affect me so much, nor did I attend to it so carefully: "I spake unto thee in thy prosperity, and thou wouldest not hear: This has been thy manner from thy youth, and thou obeyedst not the voice of the Lord." "In their affliction they will seek me early." "If they be bound in fetters, and be holden in cords of affliction, then

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