Go up hill as fast az you pleaze, but go down hill slow. The man who iz alwus bragging ov hiz wife in publik, duz it more out of pride of himself, than love for her. If a man haz got 80 thousand dollars at interest, and owns the house he livs in, it aint mutch trouble to be a philosopher. The hardest man in this world tew 10 cheat, iz the man who is alwus honest with himself. One ov the best temporary reliefs for vanity, that i kno ov, iz a sharp tutch ov the billyus kolick. A man whom yu kan trust with a sekret, yu kan trust with ennything. Silence iz one ov the hardest arguments to refute. Love iz sed tew be blind, but i kno lots ov phellows in love who kan see twice az much in their galls az i kan. Fortune iz like a coquette, if you don't run after her she will run after you. Did you ebver hear a very ritch man sing? Men who hav a good deal tew say, use the fewest words. Shame iz the dieing embers of virtew. I never knu a man trubbled with melankolly, who had plenty to dew, and did it. Natur iz jist az honest az a cow. Az a ginral thing the man who marrys a woman ov more uppercrust than himself will find the woman more anxious tew preserve the distance between them than tew bring him up tew her grade or go down tew hiz level. Marrying for muney iz a meaner way tew git it than counterfiting. The miser who heaps up gains tew gloat over iz like a hog in a pen fatted for a show. Self-made men are mostly alwus apt tew be a leetle too proud ov the job. Marrying for buty iz a poor spekulashun, for enny man who sees yure wife, 5 has got just about az mutch stock in her az you hav. Thare iz this mutch kan be said in favour ov good-breeding, it iz the only thing that kan make a phool endurable. If you want tew find out the ruling pashun ov a hoss, feed him high on oats it iz jiss so with mankind. Bachelors are alwus a braggin ov their freedom! freedom to darn their own 15 stockings, and poultiss their own shins! I had rather be a widower once in 2 years, reglar, than tew be a grunting, old, hairdyed bachelor only for 90 days. 40 It ain't bekauze lovers are so sensitiff that they quarrel so often, it iz bekauze 45 thare iz so mutch phun in making up. Trusting tew luck iz only another name for trusting to laziness. Thare iz no sutch thing az acksidents, if one thing happens by acksident awl things may; Heaven haz no beureau ov acksidents. Whenever yu see a doktor who alwus travels on the jump, yu kan bet he is looking for a job. Most men lament their condishun in life, but thare are but phew, after all, who are superior to it. The lazyest man i kan think ov now, waz Israel Dunbar, ov Billingsville. He dried up a new milch cow in milkin her 3 times, and planted a aker of beans, last spring, awl in one hill. He is 45 years old, and hain't had the meazles yet; he haz alwus bin tew lazy tew ketch them. He had one son, who was jist like him. This boy died when he was 18 years old, in crossing a korn-field; the punkin-vines took after him and smothered him to death. There is but phew people in this world underrated. If you pull the sting out ov a hornet hiz moral power iz gone in a minute. Az long az we are lucky we attribute it tew our smartness; our bad luck we give the gods credit for. The devil holds poor, kards, but he plays them mighty well. Most authors in writing neglekt their punktuashuns, espeshily the full stop. Poverty iz the step mother ov genius. Az a general thing an individual who iz neat in hiz person iz neat in hiz morals. What do yu bet Fame iz? I bet it iz climeing a greased pole tew win a puss of 10 dollars and spileing a suit ov clothes worth fifteen. A kicking cow never lets drive untill 50 just az the pail iz full, and seldom misses the mark; it iz jist so with sum men's blunders. Most people when they cum tew you for advice cum tew hav their own opinyuns 55 strengthened, not correkted. I look upon a pure joke with the same venerashun that i do upon the 10 cammandments. One man, of good 40 hoss power common sens, iz worth more in the world than a whole drove of geniuses. -think very hard of it—if not harder. That's the way to talk it. I ain't agoin to commit myself. I know when to put From Josh Billings: His Sayings, 1865. on the brakes. I ain't going to say all I CHARLES HENRY SMITH, "BILL ARP, So-Called " BILL ARP ADDRESSES ARTEMUS WARD Rome, Ga., September 1, 1865. Mr. Artemus Ward, Showman 5 think, like Mr. Etheridge, or Mr. Addering so-called. Nary time. No, sir. But I'll jest tell you, Artemus, and you may tell it to your show: If we ain't allowed to express our sentiments, we can take it 10 out in hatin; and hatin runs heavy in my family, shure. I hated a man so bad once that all the hair cum off my head, and the man drownd himself in a hog-wallow that night. I could do it agin, but you see, 15 I'm tryin to harmonize, to acquiese, to becum calm and sereen. Sir, The reason I write to you in perticler, is becaus you are about the only man I know in all God's country' socalled. For some several weeks I have 20 been wantin to say sumthin. For some several years we rebs, so-called, but now late of said county deceased, have been tryin mighty hard to do somethin. We did n't quite do it, and now it's very pain- 25 ful, I assure you, to dry up all of a sudden, and make out like we was n't there. My friend, I want to say somethin. I suppose there is no law agin thinkin, but thinkin don't help me. It don't let down 30 my thermometer. I must explode myself generally so as to feel better. You see I'm tryin to harmonize. I'm tryin to soften down my feelin's. I'm endeavoring to subjugate myself to the level of sur- 35 roundin circumstances, so-called. But I can't do it until I am allowed to say somethin. I want to quarrel with somebody and then make friends. I ain't no giantkiller. I ain't no Norwegian bar. I ain't 40 no boar-constrickter, but I'll be hornswaggled if the talkin and writin and slanderin has got to be all done on one side any longer. Some of your folks have got to dry up or turn our folks loose. 45 It's a blamed outrage, so-called. Ain't your editors got nothing else to do but peck at us, and squib at us, and crow over us? Is every man what kan write a paragraph to consider us bars in a cage, and 50 always be a-jabbin at us to hear us growl? Now you see, my friend, that's what's disharmonious, and do you jest tell 'em, one and all, e pluribus unum, so-called, that if they don't stop it at once or turn 55 us loose to say what we please, why we rebs, so-called, have unanimously and jointly and severally resolved to-to-to Now I suppose that, poetically speakin, 'In Dixie's fall, We sinned all.’ But talkin the way I see it, a big feller and a little feller, so-called, got into a fite, and they fout and fout and fout a long time, and everybody all round kep hollerin hands off, but kep helpin the big feller, until finally the little feller caved in and hollered enuf. He made a bully fite, I tell you, Selah. Well, what did the big feller do? Take him by the hand and help him up, and brush dirt off his clothes? Narry time! No, sur! But he kicked him arter he was down, and throwed mud on him, and drug him about and rubbed sand in his eyes, and now he's gwine about huntin up his poor little property. Wants to confiscate it, so-called. Blame my jacket if it ain't enuf to make your head swim. But I'm a good Union man, so-called. I ain't agwine to fight no more. I sha'n't vote for the next war. I ain't no gurilla. I've done tuk the oath, and I'm gwine to keep it, but as to my bein subjugated, and humilyated, and amalgamated, and enervated, as Mr. Chase says, it ain't so narry time. I ain't ashamed of nuthin neither ain't repentin ain't axin for no one-horse, short-winded pardon. Nobody needn't be playin priest around me. I ain't got no twenty thousand dollars. Wish I had; I'd give it to these poor widders and orfins. I'd fatten my own numerous and interestin offspring in about two minits and a half. They should n't eat roots and drink branchwater no longer. Poor, unfortunate things! to cum into this subloonary world at sich a time. There's four or five of 'em that never saw a sirkis nor a monkyshow never had a pocket-knife, nor a piece of cheese, nor a reesin. There's Bull Run Arp, and Harper's Ferry Arp, and Chicahominy Arp, that never saw the pikters in a spellin book. I tell you, my friend, we are the poorest people on the face of the earth- but we are poor and proud. We made a bully fite, Selah, and 10 the whole American nation ought to feel proud of it. It shows what Americans can do when they think they are imposed on-so-called.' Did n't our four fathers fight, bleed, and die about a little tax on 15 tea, when not one in a thousand drunk it? Bekaus they succeeded, was n't it glory? But if they had n't, I suppose it would have been treason, and they would have been bowin and scrapin round King 20 George for pardon. So it goes, Artemus, and to my mind, if the whole thing was stewed down it would make about a half pint of humbug. We had good men, great men, Christian men, who thought we 25 was right, and many of 'em have gone to the undiscovered country, and have got a pardon as is a pardon. When I die I am mighty willing to risk myself under the shadow of their wings, whether the cli- 30 mate be hot or cold. So mote it be. Selah! They won't work for us, and they won't work for themselves, and they'll perish to death this winter as shure as the devil is a hog, so-called. They are now bask5 ing in the summer's sun, livin on rosting ears and freedom, with nary idee that the winter will come agin, or that castor-oil and salts costs money. Sum of 'em, a hundred years old, are whining around about going to kawlidge. The truth is, my friend, somebody's badly fooled about this bizness. Somebody has drawd the elefant in the lottery, and don't know what to do with him. He's jest throwing his snout loose, and by and by he'll hurt somebody. These niggers will have to go back to the plantations and work. I ain't agoin to support nary one of 'em, and when you hear any one say so you tell him it's a lie,' so-called. I golly, I ain't got nuthin to support myself on. We fought ourselves out of everything excepting children and land, and I suppose the land are to be turned over to the niggers for grave-yards. Well, maybe I'v said enough. But I don't feel easy yet. I'm a good Union man, certain and sure. I've had my 35 breeches died blue, and I've bot a blue bucket, and I very often feel blue, and about twice in a while I go to the doggery and git blue, and then I look up at the blue serulean heavens and sing the 40 melancholy chorus of the Blue-tailed fly. I'm doin my durndest to harmonize, and I think I could sucseed if it was n't for sum things. When I see a black-guard goin around the streets with a gun on his 45 shoulder, why right then, for a few minutes, I hate the whole Yanky nation. Jerusalem! how my blood biles! The institution that was handed down to us by the heavenly kingdom of Massachusetts, now 50 put over us with powder and ball! Harmonize the devil! Ain't we human beings? Ain't we got eyes and ears and feelin and thinkin? Why, the whole of Africa has cum to town, women and chil- 55 dren and babies and baboons and all. A man can tell how fur it is to the city by the smell better than by the milepost. Well, my friend, I don't want much. I ain't ambitious, as I used to was. You all have got your shows and monkeys and sircusses and brass band and organs, and can play on the petrolyum and the harp of a thousand strings, and so on, but I've got only one favor to ax you. I want enough powder to kill a big yaller stumptail dog that prowls around my premises at night. Pon honor, I won't shoot at anything blue or black or mulatter. Will you send it? Are you and your folks so skeered of me and my folks that you won't let us have any ammunition? Are the squirrels and crows and black racoons to eat up our poor little corn-patches? Are the wild turkeys to gobble all around us with impunity? If a mad dog takes the hiderphoby, is the whole community to run itself to death to get out of the way? I golly! it looks like your people had all took the rebelfoby for good, and was never gwine to get over it. See here, my friend, you must send me a little powder and a ticket to your show, and me and you will harmonize sertin. With these few remarks I think I feel better, and hope I hain't made nobody fitin mad, for I'm not on that line at this time. I am truly your friend, all present or accounted for. BILL ARP, So-called. P. S.- Old man Harris wanted to buy my fiddle the other day with Confederit money. He sed it would be good agin. He says Jim Funderbuk told him that Warren's Jack seen a man who had jest come from Virginny, and he said a man had told his cousin Mandy that Lee had whipped 'em agin. Old Harris says that a feller by the name of Mack C. Million is coming over with a million of men. But nevertheless, notwithstandin, somehow, or somehow else, I'm dubus about the money. If you was me, Artemus, would you make the fiddle trade? From Bill Arp, So Called, 1866. DAVID ROSS LOCKE, PREACHES SUBJECT: 'THE away his pile, returns, you kill calves and sich.' Then the old man retorts, sayin, 'My son who wuz lost is found; the sheep who went astray is cum back; let us be 5 merry.' My brethren, this parable applize ez well to the present time ez though it wuz made for it. Uncle Samyuel is the old man, the Suthern wing uv the Dimekratik party is the proddygal, and the Abolishnists is the oldest son. The South got tired, and went off on its own hook. It hez, I maik no doubt, spent the heft uv its substance, and will shortly conclude 15 to cum home. Now, the grate question uv the hour is How shel he be reseeved? My frends, the Dimekratik rool is to foller the scripter wen yoo can make a pint by so doin. In this pertikeler case, 20 godlinis is gane. Halleloogy! therefour, let us be godly. Let Uncle Samyuel see the repentant proddygal afar orf - let him go out to seek him, er send Fernandy-· wood, and when he haz found him, let him 25 fall, not upon his neck, but at his feetlet him put on to him the purple robe, wich is royalty, and upon his hand a ring, wich is dominion, wich is a improvement upon Scripter. Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, January the 31st, 1864. MY BRETHREN AND SISTEREN: I shall maik sum remarks this mornin based upon the bootiful Parable of the Proddygal 30 Sun. I wood reed 2 yoo the passij, but the Bible I hev is the only wun in the township, and I lent it yisterday 2 Square Gavitt, who sed swarin witnesses on almanacs woodent do in hoss cases, and he 35 hase n't brung it back. The skripter sez, in substance: Ther was a certin man who hed 2 suns. The yungist hed a taist for that branch of agricultooral persoots known ez soowin 40 wild oats, so he askt the old man for his sheer in the estait. He got it, turnd it into greenbax, and went off. He commenst livin high-bording at big hotels, and keepin trottin hosses, and playin bil-45 yards, and sich. In about a year he run thro his pile, and wuz ded broak. Then his credit playd out, and he wuz in a tight place for his daily bred. The idee struck him that he had better put for hum, wich 50 he did. The old man saw him cumin, and he run out and met him, and giv him a new cote, and a order for a pare uv shoes, and kild a fat caff, and hed flour doins. The oldest boy obgected 2 these, sayin. 55 'Lo, I hev servd thee these menny yeres, and thou never madest no splurge over me. but when this thy son, who hez fooled But the Abolishnist, who is the elder son, steps up and sez: Nary. He wuz a doin well, and he wented out frum us, takin awl that wuz his own, and sech ez he cood steel, all uv wich he hez spent upon such harlots as Afrikin Slaivry, Stait Rites, and Suthern Independence, wich last two menshund is whited sepulkers. I sent my sons, Grant and Rosycrance, and Benbutler after him; but, lo! wen he wuz strong and wiggerus, he did despitefully use them. Now that he is week from hunger, let him brindle. Ef we take him to our buzems, let him cum on his knees; let him cast off the harlots that hev sedoost him, that ther may be no moar trubble in all the land.' My brethren, we must taik him back ez the old man did in the Bible. Why? do you ask. Becoz he wuz alluz the old man's pet, and had things his own way. We wuz his frends, and shared with him the steelins, but sence we went out, the Abolishn brother and his frends hev controld things, and whare air we? Eko ansers, No whair! We okepy low plasis in the sinagog, and the doggery-keepers go mournin about the streets, and refuse to be comforted, becoz ther cash is not, and ef we taik back the proddygal, shorn of his strength, uv what avail is he to us? He must cum back ez strong as ever; he must bring his harlots with him- he must ROOL! Then shel we hev the post-orifises, and then shel we agin live on the fat uv the land, dodgin the cuss uv labor. Brethrin, let us be dillygent in this grate work, instant in seeson and out of seeson. pus uv sending a mishunary 2 Massychusits, wich yeelded 7 dolars. Ez the amount woodent pay the ralerode fair, it wuz voted to apply it on repairs on the 5 church, wich I did by havin my boots haff-sold, and buyin a new hankercher. A collecshun wuz takin up for the per- 10 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. From The Nasby Papers, 1864. |