crifice half a dozen troublesome ill-natur'd Diftinctions to the Peace of Mankind: But firft we defire you of all Loves, to lock up that troublesome. Companion call'd Reafon, for one Quarter of a Year,and if you could but prevail with your felves to difcard your five Senfes,the bufinefs would be prefently at an end. Of these two late Converts above-mentioned, that have lifted themselves in the Service of the Weftern Patriarch, one has published a fpecious Treatife, to prove that the Papifts and Proteftants are agreed in their Notions of a Real Prefence; the other pretends, That the Catholick Doctors, and the Jewish Rabbies, are likewife agreed in the business of Transubstantiation: Indeed, after this rate of arguing, they may very easily prove their Church to be Universal, and if the Gentlemen of that Communion will but get me a Troop of Horfe, or any small place at Court to the Tune of a Thousand Pound a Year, Illengage to prove that the Pagans and They are agreed in most of the controverted Points, befides which thing, if rightly confidered, I am confident will bring above three parts of the Globe into the Pope's Chamber of Dependencies. I know there are fome Malicious Perfons in the World, who are apt to conclude, That this calling in the Gentlemen of the Circumcifion to the Affiftance of the Catholick Cause, is a very plain Argument, that they dare not bazard the Fortune of a Set-Battel upon their own Forces: That Prince is in no good Circumstances at home, who is obliged to employ an inveterate Foreigner to Support his Dignity; and we have read (fay they) how the Chriftians have taken the Condition of the Holy Land into their confideration, have unanimously fought, and recovered it out of the bands of Infidels, but we never heard, to this day,that the Jews retaliated the Kindness, or gave 'em any Thanks for their Pains. The truth ont is, Men that are difpofed to talk, will, in fpight of all the World, fay what they pleafe, tho' they are fure to be as troublefome as a Welchman when the Spirit of Genealogy poffeffes him: But, I pray, wby why may not a Man that has kept Rabbi Solomon Iarchi, Ben Sira, Ben Manaffes, and the rest of the Tribe, in Meat, Drink, Washing and Lodging, at bis own proper Expence fome Twenty Years, be as well allow'd, upon an emergent occafion, to draw them out in Battelarray, to confound us Proteftants, as a Neighbour of ours, on the other fide the Water, to call in the Grand Seignior to bumble the Emperour. But I find this Speculation has occafion'd me to digreß farther than I intended: Therefore to return to Mr.Bays, I must make bold to acquaint him, That of all Men in the World he ought not to have interested himself in the Quarrel, whatever his private Sentiments were, fince he had So publickly, and fo virulently expofed that Party before. If he pretends he took his Copy from Arnobius, who was obliged to write his Learned Treatife Contra Gentes, to Satisfie the Chriftians, who fomewhat doubted the Sincerity of bis Converfion, that he had in good earnest quitted Paganifm, much good may it do him. But I am afraid this inftance won't do his bufineß; for, 1 fuppofe, had Arnobius ftood charged with half thofe fcandalous ill things, which Mr. Bays is like to answer for, his admission into the Church had not been purchased at the eafie terms of Libelling his old Friends, and facrificing that which is lighter than the Honesty of a Bawd, the Chastity of a Midwife, the Valour of an Atheist, the Honour of a Pimp, the the Integrity of an Ufurer, even a Poet's Reputation. But I find a Man may hold all the feven deadly Sins in Commendum with a Saintship; and that there is a certain Society of Men in the World, who, to fill up their Numbers against the next Mufter, make no fcruple at all of entertaining fuch kind of Profelytes as Romulus picked up when he opened his Afylum. Mr. Bays in his Life of Plutarch, occafionally dif courfing concerning the Report that Seneca Cuckolded his Patron Claudius, is very forry that Petronius Arbiter was not the Man, because he could better have born it from A 4 a Man a Man of his Character (for you must know, Petronius Arbiter was a Poet, and confequently the fitter Perfon for fuch a business) and he can conceive nothing in the World, next to an Elephant upon Stilts, fo awkard in the pursuit of an Amour as a Philofopher in a Gown. The truth on't is, Divines and Philofophers never had a good word from Mr. Bays fince his Mother bound up his Head for him. Here was the finest opportunity imaginable for a Philofopher to have made his Market. The old Gentleman gone abroad to fmoke a Pipe among his Tenants, the Lady conSenting, the happy hour of Affignation come, the Chambermaid upon Duty at the Door, the Sheets perfumed, the Curtains drawn, the trusty Brandy-bottle at the Bedsbead: Nothing in the World, one would have thought, could have defeated and spoiled fo promifing, fo hopeful an Intrigue. But O the Fates! just in the Critical Minute appears Mr. Bays, forbids the Banes, turns the Philofopher, with his Breeches dangling about his Heels, down Stairs; and in that furly Humour nothing would serve bis turn, but a Poet only must Cuckold the Emperour. Now to apply this Story to Mr. Bays; as he seems concerned for his Friend Petronius, that he had not the good fortune to be engaged in the Affair we were now difcourfing of, fo I am forry with all my Heart, that fince Mr. Bays's Stars fo order'd the matter, as to condemn him to the drudgery of Writing everlastingly, that instead of barren Controverfie (which is not a Province fo capable of being cultivated by a Poet as other Provinces are) be bad either fet himself upon reforming the Anthems of his own Church, which exceedingly want fuch a charitable Hand as his to Revife 'em; or employ'd bis Talent in Spiritual Madrigals to good Saint Wilgefortis, or Apollonia, (who might perhaps have remembred him for it in a fit of the Tooth-ach) or lastly, Since he is read in Cares, And bends beneath the weight of Fifty Years: that that in this Old Age be bad chofen out for himself fome peaceful Province in Acroftick Land: I make bold. here to use his own Expreffion in Mac Flecno, if it is bis, I fay; for Mr. Shadwell in the Preface before his Tranflation of the Tenth Satyr in Juvenal, has been lately pleas'd to acquaint the World, that he publickly difown'd the Writing of it, with as folemn Imprecations as his Friend the Spanish Fryar did the Cavalier Lorenzo. * See the Pre face before For to deal boneftly with Mr. Bays, however, in his other Compofures, he has obliged the World with the Delicacy of Language, and the Agreeablenẞ of his Fancy; yet in bis laft Efay we only find fuch noble kind of Difcourfe between the Hind and Panther, as paffes between the two judicious Grave-makers in Hamlet. In short, we meet nothing but a dull heap of infipid Stuff, fo lamentably Ridiculous, that one could not in Confcience defire to have an Adversary write worse: So that whatever Advantages his Soul has made by the exchange of his Religion, (though I wonder in my Heart how that queafie Stomach of his, which about * Four Years ago could bardly digeft the Apoftles Creed, should now be able to digeft not only that, and Athanafius's Creed, but a more unpalatable one of Pope Pius's making) his Muse I am fure is fenfibly the worse. Were I his Confeffor, who am only his Adviser, I should prefcribe him no other Penance for every Tranfgreffion, than to make me a Copy of fuch miferable Doggerel toties quoties, which I believe would be Mortification enough for him; and the reading of them, I'm fure would be fufficient Penance to my felf. But after all, perhaps Mr. Bays writ for the Irish Nation, and then he's to be excused, for he that writes to please the relish of that Noble Kingdom, must do the fame by his Wit and Language, as Valerius Poplicola did with his Houfe, even level it to the ground. the Religio Laici. I met the other day a certain Paffage in Monfieur Montaign's Effays, which I little imagin'd to have found in in an Author of his Gravity; he is pleafed to be angry with Carvers and Statuaries, for making the Nudities of their Images fo large: For (fays be) the Ladies who form an * Printed by Tonfon, 1685. Idea of the abilities of Mankind by fuch exterior Reprefentations, muft certainly find themselves extreamly disap pointed, when they come to confult the Originals. This fo Strange a Paffage, as I faid before, one wou'd scarce expect to meet in Montaign; and indeed, with respect to the Memory of fo great a Man, it is extravagant enough in all Confcience. But Mr. Bays in his Preface, before the Second Part of the late Mifcellanies, bas as much out-done this, and any thing that was ever faid in the World, as a Heroe of his own begetting, Almanzor by Name, has exceeded all the Bullies before him. On one fide of the Page, be appears with extraordinary Zeal for the Immortality of the Soul. What confidering Perfon (fays be) who obferves how Fools and Knaves batten in the World, while Men of Merit and Integrity (meaning himself I suppose) starve and are despised, can fuppofe that there are not Allowances to be made in another? That is, because Mr. Bays miffed of his Eaton-Preferment, he was humbly content to expect bis Reward elsewhere; and truly, 1 am fo much of his Opinion, as to think he is to expect it in another World: On the other fide of the Leaf, as if his Petronius Arbiter had got the better of his Thomas à Kempis, he makes you a very formal Apology for Tranflating a certain lufcious Part of Lucretius (be could not find in bis Heart, be tells you, to give it a worfe Name) though fome People are apt to believe it ought only to keep company with Culpepper's Midwife, or the English Translation of Aloyfia Sigea. If Mr. Bays would have been rul'd by me, that very moment when he fell from the highest Step of Jacob's Ladder, and, from a grave Contemplation of Eternity, could on the fudden condefcend and truckle to the Patronage of downright Obscenity; be fhould not have made fo Small |