should be now to trust my only Bottle of Usquebagh with an Irish Servant.

Bays. Trust my self, quoth a! I perceive, Mr. Eugenius, your Friend Crites is very ignorant in these Affairs. Why, Lord Sir, no Man that is acquainted with me, thinks the better of himself for my commending him; nor ought, I'm sure, to think himself a Farthing the worse for my Lampooning him. Did you think I could have flatter'd so many quibbling, overgrown Lords, as I have done in my time; or have Libell'd so many honourable Persons of both Sexes, from whom I never received the least Disobligement; and mean all really? No, no When I commend any body, it is either a little foolish Interest, or the Gaiety of my Humour, that inclines me to it: And when I touch upon the Coast of Satyr, 'tis not, I vow to Gad, out of any Malice, (for a true Poet, like a true Jilt, is neither acted by real Love, nor real Anger) but only, as they say, Dr. Busby sometimes whips his Boys at Westminster, for my Health, Mr. Crites, and the purging of

Choler.

Crites. I find then, Mr. Bays, the passing of an ill-natured Jest upon a Man, is much like passing away a bad Half-Crown at a Tavern; you don't do it out of any particular Spleen to the House, but only to shut your hands of a cumbersome Piece. But, Pray did you mean really, when you made that noble Panegyrick to Oliver Cromwel?

Bays. Not I, I protest to you Sir, 'twas my own Advantage I consider'd, and not any Kindness to the Person which inflamed me; for you must note, 'tis much the same with us Poets, as 'tis with the Jews; no fooner can a Heroe start up in any part of the World, (let his Quarrel be right or wrong) but both of us are apt to think him the Messias, and presently pitch upon him as the fittest Person to deliver the Twelve Tribes, and the Nine Museş out of Captivity.

Crites. Then let me tell you, the Ufurper was the less beholding to you; but methinks whatever your Sentiment were of the Man, you had a great Kindness for your Subject : You spoke as many Lofty Things concerning it, as any Occafion you ever handled in your Life.

Bays. That may be. But always observe this as an infallible Rule, from your Friend Bays! If you write Panegyrick, tho' you have done your utmost, and faid ten times more than the Person deserves, be fure to tell him that you have not passed through half the Inventory of his Virtues, and wanted a Genius to manage so extraordinary an Affair to any advantage. But if you Lampoon any Party, forget not to make them sensible of the Civil Ufage they have received from your hands; as your CityTradesinen, when they have exacted double the Price of any Commodity, stick not to tell you they have used you kindly: And tho' your Stock is all exhausted, and you could not say one malicious Word to fave your Life, yet pretend that you could go ten Miles farther, if you pleas'd to continue in that furly Humour.

Eugen. I perceive Mr. Bays, you have often made ufe of this Expedient, Bays. Very often Sir; but to avoid prolixity, I'll only produce you two Instances of it at present. They may think themselves to be too roughly bandled in this Paper, but I who know best how far I could have gone on this Subject, must be bold to tell them they are spared.

Pref.

Religio Laici,

Pref. to Abfol.

They who can Criticize so weakly, as to

imagine that I have donc my worst, may be convinced at their own Cost, that I can write feverely, with more ease than I can gently.

And I find this Conduct is extremely serviceable to a Man when all his Quiver is spent; for the Party concerned must needs find themselves indebted to the Person, who so generoufly spares them, when they lie all at his Mercy : And as for the unconcerned part of Mankind, at the same time they applaud your Generofity, for giving off when you might have utterly confounded your Enemies with the other Blow; so they must certainly admire the inexhaustible store of your Wit, that can advance forward, and still urge something that is new.

Eugen. But pray, Mr. Bays, suppose the World should not believe a Man that tells such and fuch things of himself, where lies the Jeft then?

Bays. Why then, I tell you Sir, that the World would be very uncivil Igad, and all that: If the World should offer to question the Sincerity of an Author who makes so open and so free a Discovery of his own Abilities. For between our selves, Gentlemen, I think an Author's bare word in his Preface, as facred as a Peer's Attestation upon his Honour, and ought no more to be disputed than the Traditions of the Church, or the Privileges of the Parliament.

Eugen. And to my certain knowledge Mr. Bays, both those things are more subject to be disputed and examined, than any two things in the Universe.

Bays. Ay, and to have Prefaces too been examined by your peevish, ill-humour'd, Tobacco-taking Criticks, whose Censures I mind no more I'gad, than a Bully of the Town minds the Swearing-forfeits in a Fanatick Ordinary: But this signifies nothing, as long as the greater part of Mankind make no Enquiry into the Matter, but swallow it by Whole-fale: And surely Sir, you may rely upon my Opinion in this Affair: I that have blafphem'd the Gods, huff'd Kings, libell'd Princes, laughed at

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all Religions, scandalized City and Court: and in my Anger spared no Sex, no Country, no Age, nor Order, nor Degree; but I'gad thrown my Bombs promiscuously at all.

Crites. How escaped you of hanging, Mr. Bays, you that have been so universal an Aggreffor? Methinks the least that could be done to you, had been to have fent you a grazing to Malmsbury Common, among fome of Mr. Hobbs's well-bred Citizens.

Bays. A little private Discipline I have met with I must confess; an Almanack, or so, beaten into my Bones; but that's nothing at all to a Man of a true Paffive Constitution. But, as I told you before, no Man of tolerable sense thinks either the worse of me or of himself, for having his Name exposed in any of my Satyrs; and that's the reason why so few People give themselves the unnecessary trouble to batter my Tabernacle. I bless my Genius for it, Mr. Crites, I have not that respect for any Person breathing, as to lose a good Thought for his fake; and I have almost as strong inclination to suffer Martyrdom for my Wit as for my Religion : 'Tis the Love to the Jest, not any private Picque to the Man, that fets me upon such hazardous Undertakings; as Prentices on Shrove-Tuesday, use to demolish Bawdyhouses, tho' they have not the least disrespect to those Noble Places of Pleasure and Convenience. I have insisted upon this Point the more largely, because I would once for all, undeceive the World as to this Particular; and let them know, that a Man may poffibly lash three parts of the Creation with his Pen, who at the same time has not the least grudge or quarrel to any individual Person thereof. -And now, worthy Gentlemen, if you please to afford me the hearing, I will recount my Triumphs to you, which are as large as the Universe, and as extensive as Mankind. I survey my Victories with a savage

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a savage Joy, and in the greatness of my Imagination, despise all the Cafars and Alexanders.

Eugen. What Enthusfiaftical Hint has seized thee now, little Bays? I profess I understand thee no more than a Fifth-Monarchy Comment upon the Revelations.

Bays. Understand me! No: How the Devil should you understand me! Now I speak in my Son Almanzor's blustering Vein. But Genlemen, to deliver my felf in a Stile which is a little more familiar to your Apprehenfions, I design to run through the Circle of my Conquests, and name you the Nations I have triumph'd over, and all the Degrees of Mankind I have assaulted.

Crites. With what I prithee Mr. Bays ?

Bays. With my Wit Man : It could never enter into the Sphere of your Imagination sure, to suppose a Poet could conquer whole Kingdoms with his Sword.

Crites. No, I can affure you Mr. Bays; for I ever thought a Poet as unfit and unlikely a Man to fubdue Kingdoms with his Sword, as convert Kingdoms with his Arguments. But let me request you then to begin with your Nations, for I long as much to be made acquainted with your Victories, as a fumbling Alderman does to hear the happy News that he has got an Heir apparent to his Lace-band and Satten-doublet.

Eugen. Tho you cannot say, Mr. Bays, with the Heroe in Shakespear, that the World's your Oifter, and you have opened it with your Sword, yet you may fafely say, the World's your Sheet of Paper, and you have blotted it with your Ink.

Bays. You are much in the right on't Sir. Now the first Country I pitch upon shall be Holland, and I think in one Distich I have done the States more injury than the French King did them in 71 with

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