the River as far as Greenwich, with somel rish Gentlemen of your Acquaintance.

Bays. Right Sir, with fome Irish Gentlemen of my Acquaintance, where, out of an Excess of Friendship, and a mistaken Principle of Honour, I drank a prodigious quantity of Wine for two Days together; tho to deal honeftly with you, the Wine was only fit to be drank in a Proteftant-Communion, or to Bury Prince Beelzebub's Subjects.

Crites. Have a care Mr. Bays, you are always abusing some Princes Subjects or other; but pray Sir, to what part of the Globe do these Strangers belong, or what do you mean by Prince Beelzebub's Subjects.

Bays. Why the Flies, Man! O Lord, that you should be so ignorant. I hope, Sir, a Man may pass a Jest upon the Flies, without offending you or any body elfe.

Crites. No question on't, Mr. Bays. But prithee Man, why so severe upon the Protestant Communicants?

Bays. Because it is so unseemly a Sight, to see a Fat Two-handed Lay-Man, with a Face, which you may divide as Dr. Heylin has done the Kingdom of Poland, into the Champion and the Woody; over grown with Beard, and looking like the Moon half recovered out of an Eclipse, (pray mind the Comparison) spill half the Chalice upon his Whiskers, and afterwards wipe 'em with his greafie Elbow.

Crites. Rather than break Squares between both Churches, as to that Particular, I'll engage, Mr. Bays, that the Lay-Men shall all of 'em be shaved before they come to Church.

Bays. It can never be done, Sir, say you what you will, or propose what Expedient you will; for a Lay-Man's Face (and the Experiment was made before

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before no worse Company than the Council of Constance) can never be made so sleek, and all that, as a Sacerdotal Countenance : I have, Mr. Crites, fince I was reduced, laboured in this Affair to accommodate it, as much as any Person whatever; for I wou'd not willingly pay for Wine, and not have my Share; but it won't do. Another Project I have thought upon, which is a great deal more feisible, may be of infinite Advantage to the Kingdom, and I hope may meet with better Success. Eugen. Pray, Mr. Bays, what's that?

Bays. Why you know, Sir, what a dull Time Poets have had of it lately, since the Confiderers and Answerers on both Sides have invaded the Press, no more to do, i-gad, than a Player in the Vacation; and Wit as perfect and meer a Drug, as Wool before the Burying-Act. Now what do you think I intend to do in this Cafe, Mr. Crites?

Crites. Faith Sir, I can't tell; for I have no extraordinary Hand at Supposition and Conjecture. Bays. No, you may think, and pump your Imagination these Forty Years, and ne'er be the wifer. Why, I intend But you'll half kill your selves with laughing at the Conceit to get a Burying-Act for the Muses.

I intend

Crites. A Burying-Act! A's how, I pray?

Bays. I will make my Application to the Worshipful Members of the next Parliament, and reprefent to them the Miserable Condition of the Nine Muses, which is more to be pitied i-gad, than all the Sufferings of the French Proteftants. In order to make my Petition meet with better Entertainment, and move their Compaffion, I'll tell them a Lamentable Story of Apollo, the Father of these Girls; how I faw him the other day eating SpoonMeat amongst Porters in the Stocks-Market, in a little greafie old-fashion'd Black Cloak, which hung about about his Shoulders like a Herald's Coat without Sleeves, and scarce reach'd so low as one of your Sub-Deacon's Surplices at Somerset-House; likewife with a little Extinguisher-like-Hat on; and that when I enquired of him, how it came to be so unmercifully pared and circumcifed, he should answer, that he parted with a Groats-worth of the Brim, to equip a Basket-Hilt in Lincolns-Inn-Fields: Nay, to secure my felf from all possible Dangers of a Difappointment in the Cafe, I design to acquaint them with what the Old Gentleman had informed me concerning his Daughters: That unless their Relief came prefently, they must be forced, like the CityOrphans, to Marry below themselves, and take up with Lawyers-Clerks, Peny-Chroniclers, and Smithfield-Sonettiers, for want of better; that they durst not make their Appearance at any Places of Publick Refort, because they wanted the necessary Accommodation of Night-Rails and Top-Knots; and that the trusty Keepers of Westminster had discarded them, ever since they retrenched their Families, and turned out their Servants to Board-Wages. And then as for himself, he protests that he has not tasted a Drop of Wine, since the Conduits piss'd Claret at the Coronation; that he could not be trusted a Week ago in St. Paul's Church-Yard, for half a dozen Strings to his Welsh-Harp, though he was amongst so many of h's own Tenants, the Booksellers; and lastly, to use his own Expreffion, (by which you may perceive his Neceffities have made him Prophane, as well as Desperate) that he has subsisted of late Years like the poor melancholy Accidents in Transubstantiation, without a Subject to quarter upon.

Crites. Nothing certainly will prevail upon them, Mr. Bays, if this Story won't.

Bays. Nay, you may let me alone, to move the

Hearts of any Affembly in Christendom.

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After I have

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have prepossess'd them with this Doleful Tale, I will humbly offer to their Charitable Considerations, these following Proposals.

That for encouraging the Manufacture of Poetry, (pray observe me, I call it a Manufacture, because to my felf it is more the Trouble of the Fingers, than the Labour of the Brain) which has of late Years, to the Ruine of several Families, the Decay of Trade, and the Loss of the Kingdom in general, been discontinued, both Houses of Parliament think fit to Ordain for the future:

First, That no Person above the Degree of a Lord, shall presume to be Buried under a Dozen Stanza's of good lawful Pindaric Poetry; for which his Heirs, Executors, and Administrators, shall pay a Crown a Stanza.

Crites. But why not, Mr. Bays, as well be Buried in good Heroic?

Bays. For a certain Reason, Sir, which I am sure will make you bepiss your self, 'tis so extremely diverting. You know, Sir, that Princes, Dukes, and Earls, (I can't help reflecting, for the Heart of me) are a fort of Lawless, Ungovernable People: Now what kind of Poetry is so suitable, do you think, for these Persons, as that which defies all Rules, leaps over all Constitutions, and in fine, does what it pleases.

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Secondly, That all People, from the Condition of a Lord down to a Baronet, shall be Embalmed in twenty Pair of Heroic Verse, for which they shall pay a Noble. Now the Reason why I am for Burying these Worthy Gentlemen in Heroic Verse, is this, that as the Nile seldom Mounts above the Eighteenth Figure, and seldom Ebbs below the Fourteenth; so True Valour rarely rises above a Lord, and rarely falls below the Quality of a Ba

ronet.

Eugen.

Eugen. Why could you not, Mr. Bays, have borrowed your Instance from the Quicksilver in a Weather-Glass, as well as travelled for one as far as Egypt. I find you are for hedging a Stake in your Old Age, amongst the Men of Valour. Bays. Thirdly, That Country-Squires, Heads of Houses, Doctors of Divinity, and the Civil Law, Prebends of Cathedrals; all Mayors, Bailiffs, and Aldermen, &c. shall be Buried in their dearly-beloved Acrostics, (you see I am tart upon half the Nation) for which they are to pay Seven Groats ; ( cheap enough igad) and that the Poet shall be bound to Bait the last Distich either with Pun or Quibble; otherwise to receive nothing for his Labour: Any thing in this Act or Statute to the contrary notwithstanding.

Crites. Methinks, Mr. Bays, you ought in Conscience to have excepted the Mayors of WoottonBaff t and Quinborough; I dare engage the Magistrates there had rather be Interred without the Solemnity of an Epitaph, than go to the Charges of paying for it.

Bays. No, no; they must pay, if it were only for Representing His Majefty.

Fourthly, That all others of meaner Rank and Families, shall be contented to lye wrapt in a wholsome short Ditty, to the Melancholy Tune of St. Sepulchre's Chimes, for which they must pay one fingle Tester.

Fifthly, That whereas Mr. Bays has done the Nation such Important Service, and gratified all Parties; that is, libelled the Priests to please the Laity, and railed at the Laity to get himself reconciled to the Priests; lampoon'd the Court to oblige his Trusting Friends in the City, and ridicul'd the the City to secure a Promifing Lord at Court; exposed the kind Keepers of Covent Garden to please the

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