the Year 1685, I chanced to go down to Greenwich, with fome Irish Gentlemen, where for the space of two Days (pray obferve the Expreffion, because it came from the other fide Wapping) drinking, had got the Weather-gage of Sobriety. But now I am come to tell you, that the next Morning after, I look'd as ill as a poor Gentleman of the Town, who has paft through a Syftem of Natural Philofophy fome half a dozen times at the Bagnio; I was all over in a Flame, and fo very fick (that though I am far from complementing the Place) yet I should be very well content to have no other Punishment inflicted on the Council of 25 at Geneva, than to fhare that illness between them, which I endured in my own Perfon.

Crites. I thought, Mr. Bays, that the Man who could endure fuch a brunt for two days, was a confirm'd Seafon'd Debauchee, and that nothing could hurt him.

Bays. Alas, Sir, I feldom us'd to engage upon fuch hot Service, unless an extraordinary Occafion happen'd,and then I'm fure to do fufficient Penance the next Morning. But to proceed Sir, my Wife would of all Loves, perfuade me to repair the Breaches of Nature with a little Diet-Drink. No, reply'd I, not for all the World; I fcorn to be indebted to fcandalous Diet-Drink for my Health, as much as I do to fteal Verfes from a Grave stone, to purchase the Reputation of a Poet; nay, (continued I) I fcorn it more than a Fanatick does to bind up his Bible in the fame Calves-skin with the Common-Prayer Book and Aprocrypha.

Crites. What Relation, pray Mr. Bays, has the Common-Prayer Book and Apocrypha to your Wife's Diet-drink?

Bays. Not at all; how fhould it? how fhould it? It is only a Comparison, Mr. Crites, and a Comparfon always ought

ought to be furprizing: Well, after I had confulted my Conftitution a little, I was refolved to relieve my felf with Brandy, which accordingly I did, in a Corner-Shop of the Street, and there fell into the moft profound Contemplation, that ever any uninspired Perfon was poffefs'd with. But, pray Gentlemen, what do you think it was that employed my Meditation?

Crites. Why Hell-fire, Mr. Bays, for any thing I know to the contrary; if, as you fay, your Contemplation was fo very profound.

Bays. Well, I proteft to you, Mr. Crites, you are enough to make any body split with Laughing: Hell-fire! I can affure you, fuch a Thought never came into my Head fince my Nurfe bound it up for me. Gad forgive me, that you cou'd ever imagine a Poet fhould mortifie himself with fuch a Confideration; I am fure I have made more Advances this way than any of my Tribe, yet cou'd never, for the Heart of me, travel further than Purgatory. But to deal honeftly with you, I thought of a certain bufinefs that was full as terrible I' gad, and that was this: I confidered with my felf, that the general Conflagration of the World could not be above ten Years off at the fartheft; which made me resolve to part with all my darling Sins on the fudden, and betake my felf to the Protection of that Church which cou'd give me the most convincing Affurances of Salvation.

Eugen. But pray, Mr. Bays, upon what ground was it that you believed the Day of Judgment was fo nigh?

Bays. If you have a mind to edifie, Gentlemen, by what I am going to relate, I muft entreat you to be very attentive; for, as the Affair we treat of is exceeding nice and delicate, so if you lofe but one Chain of the Demonftration, you had as good

have heard not one Syllable →→ I confider'd with my felf, that from the first peopling of this Island till the Reformation, a little Ale, encouraged with Sugar and Rosemary, paffed for an univerfal Cordial all the Nation over This is my Principium Wiclevitical Aqua Vite now and then interpofed; and I can exactly tell you how long the Eclipfe endured; that is, how long the Ale laboured under a difrefpect, and likewife how many Digits were obfcured; that is, how many Counties were guilty of ufing modern Aqua Vita inftead of primitive ancient Ale: but this being a Nicety, which perhaps needs not be fo curiously examined, 'twill be better to wave it, and therefore I fhall only defire you to remember, that Ale, prepared after the above-mentioned manner, continued in very good Repute and Credit till the Reformation.

Crites. Yes, yes, Mr. Bays, and as I take it, this Oecumenical Cordial of yours, was confirmed in half a dozen Provincial Synods, held in Cutler's Theatre in Warwick-Lane.

Bays. As for that, I cannot pafs my word, Friend Crites, nor am I willing to fay any thing but what I have from unqueftionable Tradition Now when the Heat of Controverfie and Enthusiasm had fet the Body Natural of the Body Politick in a Ferment, it was observ'd, that Ale and Beer were too cold for the Conftitutions of the People, and that they could no longer pass for Cordials.

Eugen. Alas! poor difcarded Ale, how do I pity thee That thy old Companion Rosemary, the Reliever of thy Infirmities, and the fupport of thy Old Age, fhould be forc'd to abandon thee! But pray, Mr. Bays, is Religion fo great an Inflamer? I never understood that Piece of Philofophy before. Bays. Your Proteftant Religion inflames as much, or rather more than a Hectic Feaver; which I

can

can make good by an undeniable Demonftration to you, if you'll both of you promife not to forget the Foundation I have hitherto been laying down. Crites. No, no, Mr. Bays, we won't forget it.

Bays: Why, then I have this Queftion to ask you, Mr. Crites, Were you ever at a Quaker's Meeting? Crites. Very frequently Sir.

Bays. Then tell me bona fide, whether you ever faw a handfome Woman of that fullen Perfuafion? Come, confefs the Truth.

Crites. That I have, I can affure thee, little Bays.

Bays. You may take it from me, fhe was a Novice then, or elfe the Heat of her Zeal had certain ly discoloured and four'd her Countenance, and made her look like the rest of her Sex in those Pagan Affemblies. It is an Article of my Faith, that it is as impoffible for a Woman to be a Quaker any time, and handsome, as 'tis impoffible for one to be a Man of Business, and not dull: If you take a Barrel of Ale, and place it to the Sun-fhine of your Back-fide, perhaps in the firft Week you'll find no Alteration, but in two or three Months it certainly turns to Vinegar.

Crites. Very right, Mr. Bays; but prithee fhut your Hands of this Simile as foon as you can.

Bays. So likewife a She-Quaker, for the firft Half Year, may make a fhift to preferve her Beauty; but afterwards, in fpight of all Spanish Wooll and Pomatums, the Heat of her Religion will contract the Muscles in her Face: Which is the Reason that all your through paced Women of that Opinion have an awkward grinning fort of a Look; for grinning, whether you know it no, is nothing elfe but a Contraction of the Mufcles, and are as easily known by it all the World over, as the Men are by their Set-Looks, formal Hats, and short Cravats.

Eugen.

Eugen. If you have done with this Point, Mr.Bays, pray let me entreat you to reaffume the Bufinefs of. the Cordial.

Bays. Well then, Ale and Beer being, for these Reasons I mentioned, thus disbanded, we were forced to travel to the Canaries for a Cordial, and accordingly brought over Potent Catholick Sack ; Sack had not long danced about in Thimbles and Spoonfuls, but it defir'd to leave the Apothecary's Shop, was very ambitious to inhabit a Tavern-Vault, and long'd extreamly to converfe with Men of Wit and Gaity, inftead of Goffips, Nurfes, Midwives, and decrepit Aldermen: But as Familiarity makes every thing in the World contemptible, fo in a fhort time Sack grew out of fashion, ceas'd to perform its ancient Office of a Gordial; and towards the latter end of the late Ufurpation, when we took Jamaica from the Spaniards, was forced to refign it felf to potent Brandy Brandy having had a large, uncontroll'd, but a fhort Reign, ftands now upon its Tiptoes, and is making way for the Spirits of Wine.

Crites. From what Signs is it, Mr. Bays, that you conclude the downfal and overthrow of Brandy? To my poor Judgment now, it feems as puiffant and well-beloved a Monarch as ever.

Bays. Because it has of late Years removed out of the City into the Country, where, I am fure it muft, like the Goddefs of Juftice, take its laft Farewel of Mortals. Now, alter we have accustomed our felves to Spirits of Wine one half a score Years, and confequently, heated our Tenements of Clay, our Bodies, to the highest degree imaginable, if, as I told you before, the Conflagration does not then happen, according to this fure Infallible Calculation; mind me, Mr. Crites, I give you free leave, before your Friend here, to poft me up in a Gazette, for as fcandalous an' Author as the Modern Dealer in