the Year 1685, I chanced to go down to Greenwich with fome Irish Gentlemen, where for the space of two Days (pray observe the Expression, because it came from the other fide Wapping) drinking, had got the Weather-gage of Sobriety. But now I am come to tell you, that the next Morning after, I look'd as ill as a poor Gentleman of the Town, who has past through a System of Natural Philofophy, some half a dozen times at the Bagnio; I was all over in a Flame, and so very fick (that though I am far from complementing the Place) yet I should be very well content to have no other Punishment inflicted on the Council of 25 at Geneva, than to share that illness between them, which I endured in my own Person.

Crites. I thought, Mr. Bays, that the Man who could endure such a brunt for two days, was a confirm'd Seafon'd Debauchee, and that nothing could

hurt him.

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Bays. Alas, Sir, I feldom us'd to engage upon such hot Service, unless an extraordinary Occasion happen'd, and then I'msure to do sufficient Penance the next Morning. But to proceed Sir, my Wife would of all Loves, perfuade me to repair the Breaches of Nature with a little Diet-Drink. No, reply'd I, not for all the World; I scorn to be indebted to scandalous Diet-Drink for my Health, as much as I do to steal Verses from a Grave stone, to purchase the Reputation of a Poet; nay, (continued I) I scorn it more than a Fanatick does to bind up his Bible in the fame Calves-skin with the Common-Prayer Book and Aprocrypha.

Crites. What Relation, pray Mr. Bays, has the Common-Prayer Book and Apocrypha to your Wife's

Diet-drink?

Bays. Not at all; how should it? It is only a

Comparison, Mr. Crites, and a Comparson always ought to be furprizing: Well, after I had confulted my Conftitution a little, I was resolved to relieve my felf with Brandy, which accordingly I did, in a Corner-Shop of the Street, and there fell into the most profound Contemplation, that ever any uninspired Perfon was possess'd with. But, pray Gentlemen, what do you think it was that employed my Meditation?

Crites. Why Hell-fire, Mr. Bays, for any thing I know to the contrary; if, as you say, your Contemplation was so very profound.

Bays. Well, I protest to you, Mr. Crites, you are enough to make any body split with Laughing: Hell-fire! I can affure you, fuch a Thought never came into my Head since my Nurse bound it up for me. Gad forgive me, that you cou'd ever imagine a Poet should mortifie himself with such a Confideration; I am sure I have made more Advances this way than any of my Tribe, yet cou'd never, for the Heart of me, travel further than Purgatory. But to deal honeftly with you, I thought of a certain bufiness that was full as terrible I'gad, and that was this: I confidered with my self, that the general Conflagration of the World could not be above ten Years off at the farthest; which made me resolve to part with all my darling Sins on the sudden, and betake my felf to the Protection of that Church, which cou'd give me the most convincing Affurances of Salvation.

Eugen. But pray, Mr. Bays, upon what ground was it that you believed the Day of Judgment was so nigh?

Bays. If you have a mind to edifie, Gentlemen, by what I am going to relate, I must entreat you to be very attentive; for, as the Affair we treat of is exceeding nice and delicate, so if you lose but one Chain of the Demonstration, you had as good

have heard not one Syllable I consider'd with my self, that from the first peopling of this Island till the Reformation, a little Ale, encouraged with Sugar and Rosemary, passed for an universal Cordial all the Nation over- This is my Principium Wiclevitical Aqua Vite now and then interposed; and I can exactly tell you how long the Eclipse endured; that is, how long the Ale laboured under a disrespect, and likewife how many Digits were obscured; that is, how many Counties were guilty of using modern Aqua Vite instead of primitive ancient Ale: but this being a Nicety, which perhaps needs not be so curiously examined, 'twill be better to wave it, and therefore I shall only defire you to remember, that Ale, prepared after the above-mentioned manner, continued in very good Repute and Credit till the Reformation.

Crites. Yes, yes, Mr. Bays, and as I take it, this Oecumenical Cordial of yours, was confirmed in half a dozen Provincial Synods, held in Cutler's Theatre in Warwick-lane.

Bays. As for that, I cannot pass my word, Friend Crites, nor am I willing to say any thing but what I have from unquestionable Tradition Now when the Heat of Controversie and Enthusiasm had fet the Body Natural of the Body Politick in a Ferment, it was observ'd, that Ale and Beer were too cold for the Constitutions of the People, and that they could no longer pass for Cordials.

Eugen. Alas! poor discarded Ale, how do I pity thee! That thy old Companion Rosemary, the Reliever of thy Infirmities, and the support of thy Oid Age, should be forc'd to abandon thee! But pray, Mr. Bays, is Religion so great an Inflamer ? I never understood that Piece of Philosophy before. Bays. Your Proteftant Religion inflames as much, or rather more than a Hectic Feaver; which I

can

can make good by an undeniable Demonstration to you, if you'll both of you promise not to forget the Foundation I have hitherto been laying down. Crites. No, no, Mr. Bays, we won't forget it. Bays: Why, then I have this Question to ask you, Mr. Crites, Were you ever at a Quaker's Meeting? Crites. Very frequently Sir.

Bays. Then tell me bona fide, whether you ever saw a handsome Woman of that sullen Perfuafion? Come, confefs the Truth.

:

- Crites. That I have, I can affure thee, little Bays.

:

Bays. You may take it from me, she was a Novice then, or else the Heat of her Zeal had certainly discoloured and four'd her Countenance, and made her look like the rest of her Sex in those Pagan Affemblies. It is an Article of my Faith, that it is as impoffible for a Woman to be a Quaker any time, and handsome, as 'tis impoffible for one to be a Man of Business, and not dull: If you take a Barrel of Ale, and place it to the Sun-shine of your Back-fide, perhaps in the first Week you'll find no Alteration, but in two or three Months it certainly turns to Vinegar.

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Crites. Very right, Mr. Bays; but prithee shut your Hands of this Simile as foon as you can.

Bays. So likewife a She-Quaker, for the first Half Year, may make a shift to preserve her Beauty; but afterwards, in spight of all Spanish Wooll and Pomatums, the Heat of her Religion will contract the Muscles in her Face: Which is the Reason that all your through paced Women of that Opinion, have an awkward grinning fort of a Look; for grinning, whether you know it no, is nothing else but a Contraction of the Muscles, and are as easily known by it all the World over, as the Men are by their Set-Looks, formal Hats, and short Cravats.

Eugen.

Eugen. If you have done with this Point, Mr. Bays, pray let me entreat you to reassume the Business of the Cordial.

Bays. Well then, Ale and Beer being, for these Reasons I mentioned, thus disbanded, we were forced to travel to the Canaries for a Cordial, and accordingly brought over Potent Catholick Sack; Sack had not long danced about in Thimbles and Spoon fuls, but it desir'd to leave the Apothecary's Shop, was very ambitious to inhabit a Tavern-Vault, and long'd extreamly to converse with Men of Wit and Gaity, instead of Goffips, Nurses, Midwives, and decrepit Aldermen : But as Familiarity makes every thing in the World contemptible, so in a short time Sack grew out of fashion, ceas'd to perform its ancient Office of a Cordial; and towards the latter end of the late Ufurpation, when we took Jamaica from the Spaniards, was forced to resign it self to potent Brandy. Brandy having had a large, uncontroll'd, but a short Reign, stands now upon its Tiptoes, and is making way for the Spirits of Wine.

Crites. From what Signs is it, Mr. Bays, that you conclude the downfal and overthrow of Brandy? To my poor Judgment now, it seems as puissant and well-beloved a Monarch as ever.

Bays. Because it has of late Years removed out of the City into the Country, where, I am fure it muft, like the Goddess of Justice, take its last Farewel of Mortals. Now, after we have accustomed our selves to Spirits of Wine one half a score Years, and confequently, heated our Tenements of Clay, our Bodies, to the highest degree imaginable, if, as I told you before, the Conflagration does not then happen, according to this sure Infallible Calculation; mind me, Mr. Crites, I give you free leave, before your Friend here, to poft me up in a Gazette, for as scandalous an Author as the Modern Dealer in Natural

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