Natural History; or, if that won't serve your Turn, as the whole litter of Narrative-mongers, bound up in a Volume. Eugen. Truly, Mr. Bays, this is a very aftonishing, ftrange Notion of yours, as I ever heard in my Life. Bays. I muft needs value my felf fomewhat upon it, because it is properly the Product of my own Imagi nation, and no Perfon in the World ever thought of it before. But, Gentlemen, you'll entertain more favourable Thoughts of this Discovery, I'm confident, if you'll do me the honour to judge impartially of thefe two following collateral Arguments, which, unless I am extremely deceiv'd in paffing my Opinion of Things, very ftrongly back, and confirm the aforefaid Hypothefis. The firft is the immoderate and exceffive taking of Tobacco, which peftilent, noisome Weed, was brought into Europe much about the time when Calvin tapp'd his Anti-Hierarchical Hogfhead of Presbytery at Geneva. You are fenfible that Children fmoak more now-adays, than even Soldiers and Carmen did heretofore; and that more of this nafty Stuff is fpent at a beaftly CityFeaft, than would have ferved the whole Kingdom formerly. Now Tobacco dries the Brain, inflames the Blood, increases Choler, and takes away all that radical Moisture, which even the Brandy had the generofity to fpare. So much for the firft Crites. Before you proceed any further, Mr. Bays, pray, what do you think of the mighty Requeft that Snuff and Coffee are in? You know, both of them are exceeding Driers; will not this Hint now ferve to illuftrate your Cause? Bays. You may say what you please of Coffee, but not a word of Snuff, Mr. Crites, as you value your Reputation, 'tis too facred a thing to be jefted with; you have free liberty from your Friend Bays, to to make bold with every thing in the World, excep ting Snuff and the Difpenfing Power. The other thing which confirmed me in this Opinion, is likewife very fhrewd and convincing, I could not but obferve, Gentlemen, the great ufe of Deal within thefe few Years every where. Engen. And what of that, Mr. Bays? you have no quarrel fure to the Norway-Company, for importing fo much of the King of Denmark's Timber. Bays. Not the least, Sir; but Deal, you know, by reafon of its unctuous refinous Subftance, is the fooneft fired, and the hardest to be extinguifhed of any Timber in Dodona's Grove, and therefore it feem'd to me a flat Design of Providence to engage Mankind in this fickle, fhort-lived fort of Building, to fit their Houfes, as well as their Bodies, for the Univerfal Conflagration: You know quos vult perdere Jupiter dementat; and, I am fure, thofe that Jupiter intends to deftroy by Fire, thofe will Jupiter by feveral Methods and Qualifications prepare and fitten for that Bufinefs; for it is not the way of Providence to do things on the fudden, but to proceed by degrees, to difpofe every particular Circumftance for the enfuing Affair, and stay till there's a joint Concurrence in all the Parts to advance the mighty Cataftrophe. Thus, Gentlemen, you have my Opinion of the whole, and if you think it deserves the Name of an Effay, perhaps I may have it published amongft the Curiofities of the next Bibliotheque Universal, or printed by way of Appendix, or Supplement to Burnet's Theoria Telluris. Crites. I must confefs, Mr. Bays, it deferves a Publick Appearance, if you pleafe to oblige the World fo far, which, however, you feem'd very loath to do; but under Favour, Sir, how came this Speculative Point to bring you over to the Catholick Party? E 2 Bays. Bays. I'll tell you Sir, hoping that the Reasons I am going to enumerate, which were of that Efficacy as to reduce me, may be able to prevail upon both of you to quit your erroneous Perfuafion: I muft confefs, my unskilfulness in a business of this Nature; and that I have not taken upon me the weighty Province of gaining Converts long enough, to fay I fhall make no mistakes in the Management; and therefore I muft fecure my felf of your Pardon before I advance into fo intricate an Undertaking After I had thus faln upon this Metaphyfical Contemplation, I found my felf concern'd to make the best Provision for my Soul that I could, and that it was high time to confider the Circumftances of my wretched Condition. I reflected upon the unhappy Mifcarriages and Overboilings of my Youth, the folemn Tranfgreffiors of my Manhood; the Paffion, Pride, and complicated Sins of my Old Age; I call'd to mind the Injuries I had done both Church and State, and all thofe unlawful, brutal Attempts, which, in my former Days of Ignorance, I had made upon all the the Degrees of Mankind, and which I have fo copiously related to you. At laft, after an impartial unprejudiced Scrutiny into all the vifible Churches of the Univerfe, I found that the Catholicks only proceeded upon fure grounds; that theirs was the well conftituted Church which maintain'd Infallibility at its own coft and charges, while all other Affemblies declined the Expence; that it had the difcretion to keep an Enfuring-Office in the Camera Apoftolica, and for a fmall confideration wou'd fecure a Man's Tenement, with fetting a Papal Phenix upon it, from all Damages of Fire hereafter. Wherefore, at that very moment I fhifted my Party, and betook my felf to that Primitive Indulgent Mother, which heretofore converted our Ancestors from from Paganism, and has ever fince been attended and adorned with a continued Series of Miracies. : Crites. I hope however, Mr. Bays, you'll preferve a charitable Thought of the eftablished Religion, for all it came from King Henry's Incontinence fince your own Reformation proceeded from a Debauch, and had its Birth, Growth, and full Maturity in a Brandy-Shop. Bays. I might be inclined Sir, to do fuch a thing, if it could be allowed with any tolerable Convenience ; but if you once forbid a Romanist to meddle with that Topic, he has as little to fay as a Bully when you tie him up from fwearing; or a Poet, when you debar him the liberty of repeating: 'Tis not to be granted, Mr. Crites; But now, But now, because I will proceed regularly in my Difcourfe, you fhall first of all hear thofe Exceptions which I made to the Proteftant Affemblies; and fecondly, the Reafons which confirmed and fettled me in the Bofom of the Roman Catholick Church. Eugen. With all my Heart; but I think we had beft retire to fome more convenient place in the Walks, for I fee fome Company coming forward. Bays. Gad fo! 'Tis the Learned Author of the Nubes Teftium, and the worthy Perfon who has done the Chriftian World fuch Service, in proving, that the Belief of a Trinity is not fettled upon a better Bottom than Tranfubftantiation: I have promis'd, now I remember, to dine with them at a Noble Gentleman's in the Hay Market, and therefore I must request you to excufe me at present. But if you please to give me the Meeting at Will's Coffee-house, about Three in the Afternoon, we'll remove into a private Room, where, over a Difh of Tea, we may debate this important Affair with all the Solitude imaginable. |