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Off with her head!

Pyrganax. But I must first impanel

A jury of the Pigs.

Swellfoot. Pack them then.

Pyrganax. Or fattening some few in two separate sties,
And giving them clean straw, tying some bits
Of ribbon round their legs—giving their Sows
Some tawdry lace and bits of lustre-glass,
And their young Boars white and red rags, and tails
Of cows, and jay feathers, and sticking cauliflowers
Between the ears of the old ones .... And, when
They are persuaded that by the inherent virtue
Of these things they are all imperial Pigs,
Good Lord! they'd rip each other's bellies up,—
Not to say, help us in destroying her.

Swellfoot. This plan might be tried too ;—where's General Laoctonos?

Enter Laoctonos and Dakry.
It is my royal pleasure
That you, Lord General, bring the head and body
(If separate, it would please me better) hither
Of Queen Iona.

Laoctonos. That pleasure I well knew;
And made a charge with those battalions bold
Called, from their dress and grin, the Royal Apes,
Upon the Swine,—who in a hollow square
Enclosed her, and received the first attack
Like so many rhinoceroses, and then,
Retreating in good order, with bare tusks
And wrinkled snouts presented to the foe,
Bore her in triumph to the Public Sty.
What is still worse, some Sows upon the ground
Have given the Ape-guards apples, nuts, and gin,
And they all whisk their tails aloft, and cry,
"Long live Iona! down with Swellfoot!"

Pyrganax. Hark!

The Swine {without). Long live Iona! down with Swellfoot!

Dahry. I

Went to the garret of the Swineherd's Tower
Which overlooks the sty, and made a long
Harangue (all words) to the assembled Swine,
Of delicacy, mercy, judgment, law,

Morals, and precedents, and purity,
Adultery, destitution, and divorce,
Piety, faith, and state necessity,
And how I loved the Queen !—And then I wept
AVith the pathos of my own eloquence;
And every tear turned to a millstone, which
Brained many a gaping Pig, and there was made
A slough of blood and brains upon the place,
Greased with the pounded bacon. Round and round
The millstones rolled, ploughing the pavement up,
And hurling Sucking Pigs into the air,
With dust and stones.

Enter Mammon.
Mammon. I wonder that grey wizards

Like you should be so beardless in their schemes;
It had been but a point of policy
To keep Iona and the Swine apart.
Divide and rule. But ye have made a junction
Between two parties who will govern you,
But for my art.—Behold this Bag! it is
The poison-bag of that Green Spider huge
On which our spies skulked in ovation through
The streets of Thebes when they were paved with dead.
A bane so much the deadlier fills it now
As calumny is worse than death,—for here
The Gadfly's venom, fifty times distilled,
Is mingled with the vomit of the Leech,
In due proportion, and black ratsbane which
That very Rat who like the Pontic tyrant
Nurtures himself on poison dare not touch.
All is sealed up with the broad seal of Fraud,
Who is the Devil's Lord High Chancellor;
And over it the Primate of all Hell
Murmured this pious baptism :—" Be thou called
The Green Bag; and this power and grace be thine—
That thy contents, on whomsoever poured,
Turn innocence to guilt, and gentlest looks
To savage, foul, and fierce deformity.
Let all baptized by thy infernal dew
Be called adulterer, drunkard, liar, wretch!
No name left out which orthodoxy loves,
Court Journal or legitimate Review!

Be they called tyrant, beast, fool, glutton, lover

Of other wives and husbands than their own—

The heaviest sin on this side of the Alps!

Wither they to a ghastly caricature

Of what was human ! let not man nor beast

Behold their face with unaverted eyes,

Or hear their names with ears that tingle not

With blood of indignation, rage, and shame!"

This is a perilous liquor, good my lords.

[swellpoot approaches to touch the GREEN BAG. Beware! for God's sake, beware !—if you should break The seal, and touch the fatal liquor

Pyrganax. There!

Give it to me: I have been used to handle
All sorts of poisons. His dread Majesty
Only desires to see the colour of it.

Mammon. Now, with a little common sense, my lords,
Only undoing all that has been done,
(Yet so as it may seem we but confirm it)
Our victory is assured. We must entice
Her Majesty from the Sty; and make the Pigs
Believe that the contents of the Green Bag
Are the true test of guilt or innocence;
And that, if she be guilty, 'twill transform her
To manifest deformity like guilt,—
If innocent, she will become transfigured
Into an angel, such as they say she is,
And they will see her flying through the air,
So bright that she will dim the noonday sun,
Showering down blessings in the shape of comfits.
This, trust a priest, is just the sort of thing
Swine will believe. I'll wager you will see them
Climbing upon the thatch of their low sties,
With pieces of smoked glass, to watch her sail
Among the clouds; and some will hold the flaps
Of one another's ears between their teeth,
To catch the coming hail of comfits in.
You, Pyrganax, who have the gift o' the gab,
Make them a solemn speech to this effect:
I go to put in readiness the feast
Kept to the honour of our goddess Famine,
Where, for more glory, let the ceremony

Take place of the uglification of the Queen.

Dakry (to Swcllfoot). I, as the keeper of your sacred conscience, Humbly remind your Majesty that the care Of your high office, as man-milliner To red Bellona, should not be deferred.

Pyrganax. All part, in happier plight to meet again! [Exeunt.


Scene I.—The Public Sty. The Boars in full Assembly.

Enter Pyrganax. Pyrganax. Grant me your patience, Gentlemen and Boars, Ye by whose patience under public burthens The glorious constitution of these sties Subsists, and shall subsist. The Lean-pig rates Grow with the growing populace of Swine; The taxes, that true source of piggishness (How can I find a more appropriate term To include religion, morals, peace, and plenty, And all that fit Bocotia as a nation To teach the other nations how to live?) Increase with piggishness itself; and still Does the revenue, that great spring of all The patronage and pensions and by-payments Which freeborn pigs regard with jealous eyes, Diminish; till at length, by glorious steps, All the land's produce will be merged in taxes,

And the revenue will amount to nothing!

The failure of a foreign market for
Sausages, bristles, and blood-puddings,
And such home manufactures, is but partial;
And that the population of the Pigs,
Instead of hog-wash, has been fed on straw
And water, is a fact which is—you know—
That is—it is a state necessity—
Temporary, of course. Those impious Pigs
Who have, by frequent squeaks, dared to impugn
The settled Swellfoot system, or to make
Irreverent mockery of the genuflexions

Inculcated by the Arch-priest, have been whipped
Into a loyal and an orthodox whine.
Things being in this happy state, the Queen

A loud cry from the Pigs. She is innocent! most innocent!

Pyrganax. That is the very thing that I was saying,
Gentlemen Swine. The Queen Iona, being
Most innocent, no doubt, returns to Thebes,
And the lean Sows and Boars collect about her,
Wishing to make her think that we believe
(I mean those more substantial Pigs who swill
Rich hog-wash while the others mouth damp straw)
That she is guilty. Thus the Lean-pig faction
Seeks to obtain that hog-wash which has been
Your immemorial right, and which I will
Maintain you in to the last drop of—

A Boar {interrupting him). What

Does any one accuse her of?

Pyrganax. Why, no one

Makes any positive accusation. But
There were hints dropped; and so the privy wizards
Conceived that it became them to advise
His Majesty to investigate their truth.
Not for his own sake; he could be content
To let his wife play any pranks she pleased,
If by that sufferance he could please the Pigs;
But then he fears the morals of the Swine,
The Sows especially, and what effect
It might produce upon the purity and
Religion of the rising generation
Of Sucking Pigs, if it could be suspected
That Queen Iona — [A pause.

First Boar. Well, go on; we long

To hear what she can possibly have done.

Pyrganax. Why, it is hinted that a certain Bull

Thus much is hnmon:—The milk-white Bulls that feed

Beside Clitumnus and the crystal lakes

Of the Cisalpine mountains, in fresh dews

Of lotus-grass and blossoming asphodel

Sleeking their silken hair, and with sweet breath

Loading the morning winds until they faint

With living fragrance, are so beautiful!

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