XXXIII.-FROM THE RIVALS.-Sheridan.

SIR ANTHONY ABSOLUTE

CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE-SIR LUCIUS O'TRIGGER-FAULKLAND-ACRES-FAG-DAVID-ERRAND BOY--SERVANTS--MRS. MALAPROP--LYDIA LANGUISH-JULIA-LUCY.

Sir Anthony.-hy, what-what's the matter with the fool? Just now you were all gratitude and duty.

(Enter Mrs. Malaprop and Sir Anthony Absolute.) Mrs. Malaprop. Lydia! Lydia!

(Enter Lydia.)

Mrs. M. This, Sir Anthony, this is the deliberate simpleton, who wants to disgrace her family, and lavish herself on a fellow not worth a shilling.

Lydia. Madam, I thought you once

Mrs. M. You thought, miss! I don't know any business you have to think at all; thought does not become a young woman. But the point we would request of you is, that you would promise to forget this fellow-to illiterate him, I say, from your memory.

Lyd. Ah! madam! our memories are independent of our wills. It is not so easy to forget.

Mrs. M. But I say it is, miss! there is nothing on earth so easy as to forget, if a person chooses to set about it. I'm sure I have as much forgot your poor, dear uncle, as if he had never existed; and I thought it my duty so to do: and let me tell

you, Lydia, these violent memories don't become a young

woman.

Lyd. What crime, madam, have I committed, to be treated thus?

Mrs. M. Now don't attempt to externate yourself from the matter; you know I have proof controvertible of it. But, tell me, will you promise me to do as you're bid? Will you take a husband of your friend's choosing?

Lyd. Madam, I must tell you plainly, that, had I no preference for any one else, the choice you have made would be my aversion.

Mrs. M. What business have you, miss, with preference and aversion? They don't become a young woman; and you ought to know, that, as both always wear off, 'tis safest, in mat rimony, to begin with a little aversion. I am sure I hated your poor, dear uncle, before marriage, as if he'd been a black-amoor, and yet, miss, you are sensible what a wife I made; and, when it pleased heaven to release me from him, 'tis unknown what tears I shed! But, suppose we were going to give you another choice, will you promise us to give up this Beverley?

Lyd. Could I belie my thoughts so far as to give that prom. ise, my actions would certainly as far belie my words.

Mrs. M. Take yourself to your room. You are fit company for nothing but your own ill humors.

Lyd. Willingly, ma'am; I cannot change for the worse. (Exit.)

Mrs. M. There's a little intricate hussy for you!

Sir Anthony. It is not to be wondered at, ma'am ; all that is the natural consequence of teaching girls to read. In my way hither, Mrs. Malaprop, I observed your niece's maid coming forth from a circulating library: she had a book in each hand-from that moment, I guessed how full of duty I should see her mistress.

Mrs. M. Those are vile places, indeed!

Sir A. Madam, a circulating library in a town, is as an evergreen tree of diabolical knowledge !-It blossoms through the year! And, depend upon it, Mrs. Malaprop, that they who are so fond of handling the leaves, will long for the fruit at last. Mrs. M. Fie, fie, Sir Anthony; you surely speak laconically.

Sir A. Why, Mrs. Malaprop, in moderation, now, what would you have a woman know?

Mrs. M. Observe me, Sir Anthony-I would by no means

wish a daughter of mine to be a progeny of learning; I don't think so much learning becomes a young woman;-for instance, I would never let her meddle with Greek, or Hebrew, or Alge. bra, or Simony, or Fluxions, or Paradoxes, or such inflammatory branches of learning, nor will it be necessary for her to handle any of your mathematical, astronomical, diabolical instruments; but, Sir Anthony, I would send her at nine years old, to a boarding school, in order to learn a little ingenuity and artifice. Then, sir, she should have a supercilious knowledge in accounts; and, as she grew up, I would have her, instructed in geometry, that she might know something of the contagious countries: above all, she should be taught orthodoxy. This, Sir Anthony, is what I would have a woman know; and I don't ' think there is a superstitious article in it.

Sir A. Well, well, Mrs. Malaprop, I will dispute the point no further with you, though I must confess, that you are a truly moderate and polite arguer, for almost every third word you say, is on my side of the question. But, to the more important point in debate-you say you have no objection to my proposal?

Mrs. M. None, I assure you. I am under no positive engagement with Mr. Acres; and as Lydia is so obstinate against him, perhaps your son may have better success.

Sir A. Well, madam, I will write for the boy directly. He knows not a syllable of this yet, though I have for some time had the proposal in my head. He is at present with his regi

ment.

Mrs. M. We have never seen your son, Sir Anthony ; but I hope no objection on his side.

Sir A. Objection !-Let him object if he dare!-No, no, Mrs. Malaprop, Jack knows that the least demur puts me in a frenzy directly. My process was always very simple-in his younger days, 'twas, "Jack, do this,"-if he demurred, I knocked him down; and, if he grumbled at that, I always sent him out of the room.

Mrs. M. Ay, and the properest way.-Nothing is so conciliating to young people, as severity. Well, Sir Anthony, I shall give Mr. Acres his discharge, and prepare Lydia to receive your son's invocations, and I hope you will represent her to the captain as an object not altogether illegible.

Sir A. Madam, I will handle the subject prudently. I must leave you; and, let me beg you, Mrs. Malaprop, to enforce this matter roundly to the girl-take my advice, keep a tight

hand-if she rejects this proposal, clap her under lock and key; and, if you were just to let the servants forget to bring her dinner for three or four days, you can't conceive how she'd come about. (Exit.)

Mrs. M. Well, at any rate, I shall be glad to get her from under my intuition-she has somehow discovered my partiality for Sir Lucius O'Trigger. Sure, Lucy can't have betrayed me!-No, the girl is such a simpleton, I should have made her confess it. Lucy! Lucy! (Calls.) Had she been one of your artificial ones, I should never have trusted her. (Enter Lucy.) Lucy. Did you call, ma'am?

Mrs. M. Yes, girl. Did you see Sir Lucius, while you

was out?

Lucy. No, indeed, ma'am, not a glimpse of him.

Mrs. M. You are sure, Lucy, that you never mentioned-
Lucy. O gemini! I'd sooner cut my tongue out!

Mrs. M. Well, don't let your simplicity be deposed on.
Lucy. No, ma'am.

Mrs. M. So, come to me presently, and I'll give you an. other letter to Sir Lucius; but mind, Lucy, if ever you betray what you are entrusted with, (unless it be other people's secrets to me,) you forfeit my malevolence for ever; and your being a simpleton shall be no excuse for your locality. (Exit.)

Lucy. Ha ha! ha! a simpleton! Let me see to what account have I turned my simplicity lately. (Looks at a paper.) "For abetting Miss Lydia Languish in a design of running away with an ensign! in money, sundry times, twelve pound twelve -gowns, five; hats, ruffles, caps, &c. &c., numberless. From the said ensign, within this last month, six guineas and a half. Item, from Mrs. Malaprop, for betraying the young people to her"-when I found matters were likely to be discovered "two guineas and a French shawl. Item, from Mr. Acres, for carrying divers letters"-which I never delivered" two guineas and a pair of buckles. Item, from Sir Lucius O'Trigger, three crowns, two gold pocket pieces, and a silver snuff-box!" Well done, simplicity! yet I was forced to make my Hibernian believe, that he was corresponding, not with the aunt, but with the niece; for, though not over rich, I found he had too much pride and delicacy to sacrifice the feelings of a gentleman to the necessities of his fortune. (Exit.)

Scene 2.-Captain Absolute's Lodgings.

(Enter Captain Absolute and Fag.)

Fag. Sir, while I was there, Sir Anthony came in; I told him you had sent me to inquire after his health, and to know if he was at leisure to see you.

Capt. Absolute. And what did he say on hearing I was at Bath?

Fag. Sir, in my life, I never saw an elderly gentleman more astonished; his servants too, were curious, sir, very curious indeed.

Capt. A. You have said nothing to them?

Fag. O, not a word, sir; not a word. Mr. Thomas, indeed, the coachman, (whom I take to be the discreetest of whips)

Capt. A. 'Sdeath! you rascal! you have not trusted him? Fag. Oh, no, sir; no, no; not a syllable, upon my veracity! He was, indeed, a little inquisitive; but I was sly, sir— exceedingly sly! My master, (said I,) honest Thomas-(you know, sir, one says honest to one's inferiors)-is come to Bath to recruit. Yes, sir, I said to recruit; and whether for men, money, or constitution, you know, sir, is nothing to him, nor any one else.

Capt. A. Well, well, recruit will do-let it be so. (A rap.) Hark! that perhaps is Sir Anthony. Go, show him up.

Fag. Yes, sir. (Going.) I beg pardon, sir, but should it be Sir Anthony, you will do me the favor to remember that we are recruiting, if you please.

Capt. A. Well, well, begone. (Exit Fag.)

(Enter Fag and Sir Anthony.)

Fag. Sir Anthony Absolute, sir. (Exit.)

Capt. A. Sir Anthony, I am delighted to see you here, and looking to well! your sudden arrival at Bath made me apprehensive for your health.

Sir A. Very apprehensive, I dare say, Jack. What, you are recruiting here, hey?

Capt. A. Yes, sir. I am on duty.

Sir A. Well, Jack, I am glad to see you, though I did not expect it! for I was going to write to you on a little matter of business. Jack, I have been considering that I grow old and infirm, and shall probably not trouble you long.