Imágenes de páginas
PDF
EPUB

all look forward in earnest hope and holy confidence that we should meet in heaven!

"3rd. Sabbath-day. The love-feast was a precious time; such a constant sense of the power and glory of God as we hardly ever experienced. I felt my heart strongly united to Christ, and a growing sense of the goodness of God too in my sister's salvation. But I am a poor unfaithful creature. I thought I could not get courage to speak before so large a congregation, but the theme was worthy the crucifixion of my own timid feelings. Oh, I thought, if we be but with Christ in the end, what matters it if we were to go through constant darkness and gloom all the way to heaven? But, blessed be God, we do not do that, for Jesus becomes to us the light of life!

"7th. I have been, I think, more forcibly convinced than ever, that my judgment is greatly aninformed in many respects, I have thought little and read less: it is high time for me to redeem what I have lost.

"24th. In the beginning of my experience I thought very little about Satan, but I have since met with unnumbered instances which I cannot at all account for but by admitting his agency. But do thou, gracious Lord, save me from his power! let me have unceasing union with thee, and then I shall have nothing to fear!

"May 9th. I have yet to complain of frequent instances of indolence and unwatchfulness. The Lord be merciful to me, and teach me to love the path of self-denial better. I feel a danger too of neglecting private prayer, because I have in general many dear friends about me; but I believe my soul will not prosper unless I look as constantly to

God for help as though there were no outward means to bring me forward.

"11th. I accompanied a few friends to see Mr. Walker's orrery. There are some who entirely disapprove of this kind of pursuit, but my opinion is, that whatever tends to enlarge our views of God, either in respect to His power or His goodness, cannot but be right. But, ah! how far do the most complete philosophers fall short in their knowledge even of created, of visible things :-then why should we wonder that none but God can teach us spiritual things? The further a true philosopher goes in his researches into nature, the more he is convinced of the contractedness of his understanding. And the more a Christian knows of Jesus Christ the more he is convinced that there are heights and depths in the eternal, incarnate God, which surpass our knowledge. I felt great peace while I reflected on God being everywhere present and ruling all things. When I considered the majesty of God in creation, I was indeed struck with awe; but this passage came with comfort to my mind, 'Will He plead against me with His great power? No; but He will put strength into me!'

"31st. Why is it, gracious Lord, that I feel this instability of mind? Why is my heart so prone to leave the God I love? Is there any thing on earth I desire equally with thee? Ah, no! and yet my heart is not always alive to God. I am often in bondage, and there are moments when I seem hardly accessible to Divine impressions. I endeavour to find out the cause, when unnumbered acts of disobedience rise up before me, and my conscience tells me these are they which cloud my

[ocr errors]

mind and darken my view of that great Being who is Israel's light. My peace might have flowed as a river, and my righteousness have been as the waves of the sea, had I not still been hanging back from God, and in many things cleaving to my old nature. Repeated instances of trifling and disobedience in little things,-if any act of disobedience can be called trivial which weakens the powers of my soul, and makes my mind more vulnerable to the darts of Satan. I lose that energy of faith which opens heaven, and feel unhappy, because, when I in any measure lose sight of my Lord, I find there is nothing but confusion and darkness for me. I then act in a measure of bondage, instead of liberty; to will is present with me,' but my performance of that which is good is feeble. Many things, such as writing, visiting the sick, &c. are neglected and put off till the season becomes less favourable; and sometimes long delays render our endeavours to do good quite ineffectual. I am often unfaithful to God; then my strength begins to fail of course, and instead of returning at once to the blood of sprinkling, I stand poring over my temptations, and my unworthiness, till I sink into myself and become weaker and weaker. I lament this inconsistency of conduct: do, gracious Lord, give me power to overcome it! I know that by the power of Thy Spirit, through faith in Jesus, I may be every moment conqueror! I was much struck with an expression in a prayer on my account, offered by a dear friend, when I had been relieved from discouraging feelings. He blessed God that my soul was prospering, and said, 'May she never again take her eyes from her bleeding Saviour! But,

alas! even since then I have refused or forgotten to look to Him! I now repeat the prayer. Oh, might this one request be heard in heaven, 'might I never be suffered to take off my eyes from my bleeding Lord!"

[ocr errors]

"June 13th. For some time past I have been distressed with great temptations to general unbelief. It has been suggested, 'If thou wert quite sure of every thing thou professest to believe concerning God, eternity, &c. thou mightest then act with vigour and confidence, but now thou wilt still have the pain of thinking, should all prove vain and shadowy at last:' and this thought will damp thy joys, weaken the energy of thy mind, and prevent thee from ever being completely happy!' In a short time the Lord interposed in my behalf, and sent a strong and clear light upon my mind. He caused me to feel that He loves me, and that I have not followed a cunningly devised fable. I turn to Him with something like contrition of heart, and say, 'Lord, thou knowest me! Have I grieved thee? have I wronged Thy goodness? have I for a moment doubted of Thy truth? The fear of this distresses me. Thou, Lord, hast given me such repeated proofs, such striking confirmations of Thy truth and love, that it were horrid ingratitude to doubt Thee!' But no! Jesus triumphs. Were there no conflict there could be no conquest. In the time of deep temptation, O Lord, may I turn to Thee! my Deliverer and my All!'

66

July 1st. I was much distressed the other night, after having reproved a friend for speaking in a way upon spiritual things that rather shocked me; I spoke myself too roughly on the occasion,

and began to fear lest by any means my natural temper should get the better of me again, and then I should be in danger of wounding the peace of those around me, and ruining my own soul. I remembered the trouble I had occasioned to myself and others once by giving way to my temper; I was quite in anguish through grief and fear. My soul was humbled in the dust. I asked my friend to tell me all she had seen or thought wrong in me. She mentioned two things,—an appearance of self-consequence, and something of sharpness in reproving. She was right: I know some of my besetments, in a state of nature-I was proud, strong in my resentments and dislikes, as well as my attachments; yet even in my attachments I was partial and capricious. When, as was the case in some instances, I had a kind of general dislike to any one, and that person offended me, I was very unforgiving. If I had offended them I was too proud and too self-willed to make concessions. I remember thinking that such an one as I was ought to be very cautious not to offend, that I might save myself the trouble of feeling that I ought to humble myself, and yet as positively feeling that I could not do it. One thing on which I rather pique myself, was a kind of openness in my temper, which caused a difference in my conduct towards those I disliked and those I loved. I hated that disguise which I saw many practise, and which prevented people from knowing who were their friends and who were not. I did not feel that spirit of universal benevolence, which, though it loves those most who have most of the image of Jesus, yet breathes a spirit of good-will to all as far removed from a blind admiration, as an un

« AnteriorContinuar »