controlled dislike. I did not feel this spirit, nor did I feel my want of it, but satisfied myself with, what I called, my honesty. I looked coolly, and often spoke disrespectfully: I often gave way inwardly to a spirit of contempt towards those whom I conceived to be persons of weak intellect, and whom I found as vain and conceited as they were unmeaning. However, I mostly joined in the same amusements as themselves; and there were times, too, when I was not so much struck with their folly, and fell into a kind of easy, worldly, friendly manner towards them. I might say much more about my natural self; but it appears not to be worth while at present. I will return then, and add on the subject which led to this digression, that after two or three hours of suffering, through fear of the return of those evils that had once distressed me, and a painful sense that I had this night done wrong, I had power to believe the Lord would keep me, and that the work which He had begun in my heart He would carry on to all eternity. No other power but Himself could have effected the change which has been wrought, and I rejoice to find on examination that indeed the change is great. 66 July 7th. My sister was with me the whole day. She says she thinks I have not yet got the better of my natural disposition; but am too much given to a kind of lightness, and a rapid way of talking, which she thinks unbecoming in a Christian. She is right; and may God give me the victory over myself fully! "8th. This morning I set out for Nottingham with two friends. On the road my mind was a good deal taken up with considering the many kindnesses I had received from my Christian friends. The spirit with which real Christians love one another is very different to that of the world in its dearest friendships. While my heart glows with gratitude to these dear friends, how much more do I owe to God,—to my Saviour,—the source, the spring of all! « 21st. A day never to be forgotten. We went to Hadbotton, a village about two miles from Nottingham, to see J. S., a faithful disciple of the Lord Jesus Christ. The presence of God was with us all the day: in the garden and in the house our conversation was constantly spiritual; for the general bent of our minds seemed to be towards heaven. We endeavoured to gain some general information by which we might know good from evil. We conversed likewise on some particular points of religious experience; and while we talked, light beamed. strongly on my mind, and I found we had seized the object in which alone is light, power, and real joy, even the love of God in Christ Jesus. Everything but Him appeared what it truly is, only a shadow. But Satan did not let me alone; he insinuated that God must be a respecter of persons, or I should not have so great enjoyment while multitudes of mankind were sinking in sorrow and distress. But who can be judge of the whole plan of Providence by looking at one object, or of the whole of any one's life, by taking only a single day? During the conversation to-day my soul gained great establishment in God. After tea, when we had prayed, we sang the Covenant Hymn, and indeed my love went with the words I uttered, though my body trembled under the solemn power I felt in saying, 'Whate'er I have, whate'er I am, Shall magnify my Maker's name.' and these words, 'My soul and all its pow'rs Thine, wholly thine, shall be; I consecrate to thee!' I left the room the moment we had concluded; and when I was alone fell on my knees: the Lord poured His Spirit upon me, and I solemnly renewed my covenant. If a voice from heaven had spoken I think it would not have sent a stronger conviction into my mind, than the Spirit of God spake in that sacred hour to this purpose: If thou wouldst be truly the Lord's; if thou wouldst have real holiness of heart and true enjoyment in thy soul, thou must live not to thyself, but to God, seeking only His glory, and the good of His cause. Seek not thy own gratification, but live the servant of mankind, but more especially the servant of the poor.'' 1 The Lord sealed this command with the witness of His Spirit on my soul, that He would enable me to do this. What power and love, what sacred overflowing communications of Divine life did my soul feel! "24th. This was a day of peace,—but not without pain, for it was my last day at Nottingham; and I could not but be grieved at the thought of leaving friends amongst whom I had been so much That this command was ever engraven as on the palms of her hands, her after life bore abundant testimony.-ED. blessed. My spirit had united with them, and I had been treated with a friendship and kindness truly Christian. But above all, I love these people for their attention to poor children; for I have lamented, I believe more than twelve years, the general neglect of education. I have always seen (however ignorant I might myself be of the plan of salvation) that people in general do not take the means to impress the minds of children with religious truths; they either never talk to them at all on these subjects, or they merely teach them to say by rote prayers, catechisms, &c., or they content themselves with speaking of Divine things in a way that children can by no means understand, and take them to hear those truths which, though great and sacred in themselves, have, nevertheless, not the least weight with children, because their minds are not previously qualified to receive them. "25th. I had sweet intercourse with God in secret prayer this morning: I believe the Lord will still be with me. Never since I knew the Lord have I felt so much at parting from any friends as these; but my communion with God is not damped. I go nearer to my heavenly Father, because this is a painful hour, and find that the source of my consolations is powerful. My soul was covered with an humbling, filial fear,—a sacred thirst after holiness, a strong desire to be the Lord's. Several of our friends came to take leave of us. My soul felt for them. May God bless them! And, ah! our Lord, do thou preserve us also, and suffer us not for a moment to lose the power and love which in this place have been our portion! "26th. To-day I met a friend who has always been kindly desirous of my soul's welfare; he spoke roughly to me, and as though he thought I had lost ground. This pained me; and the enemy took advantage of it, and endeavoured to destroy my peace, by reasoning on the hasty manner of my friend; but I was on my guard, having suffered before from this quarter. Yet all the rest of the day, from some cause or other, I lost the joy I wished to feel. "29th. We had a good meeting at the Selectband this evening. I spoke my experience. When it was over, the friend I mentioned on the 26th came up to me, and said, 'I think you seem to feel what you want.' Should I not be thankful for this friend? for surely, if he does not make me angry, he will certainly be a means of making me humble; but I think Christians ought to bear with patience what they conceive to be the mistaken judgment of others concerning them, and should always be open to conviction from any quarter. "August 1st. Since returning from Nottingham, a Sunday-school plan has been in progress. We spent part of the day in calling on our friends to ask them to teach. "5th. I was this morning surprised to hear that a division was probable in our Society: if it The cause of the division of Methodists into the Old and New Connexion was the following: "During the life of John Wesley the Methodist mode of government was much disapproved of by many sensible people in the Societies, who beheld in it the latent but real seeds of future strife and contention, which they foretold would finally cause a division in the Societies; but as it was thought that this singular mode of government would end with Wesley's life, every attempt to alter it was considered premature while he lived. |