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on to it, I have seen him, and therefor I loathed myself.Job xlii. 5. 6. 7. I was now acquainted in some measure, with that boldness and freedom of access, with humble confidence to God, as on a throne of grace manifesting himself in Christ. In a word, I was sensible of the Lord's hiding and manifesting himself in duty in some measure, and of the necessity of the , exercise of grace, particularly of faith, in all approaches to God, and thereby put upon frequent complaints, dejections for the want of it, cries to God for it, and the like.
15. Many other effects followed upon this discovery, too long to repeat at large. 1. Herein I found a new and formerly unknown love to all that seemed to have any thing of the Lord s image, however dif-' ferent in principles as to lesser things, tempers, &c, and tho' distant and unknown, otherwise than by report. And this evidencing itself in prayer for them, sympathy with them in their afflictions ; Which, as all the other, still was more or less lively, according as I was otherwise in worse or better case. i John iii. 14. By this do we know we are pased from death to life because, we love the brethren. Again, 2: Hereon I found my care of all the Lord's concerns enlarge ed, and I began to be desirous to have the Lord exalted on the earth, Psalm cxii. 6, 7, &c. Zion prosper,
and all that love her; I was fearful of hazard that ; threatned any of his interests, affected with the suffer
ings of his people, or any loss his interest sustained. And, 3• Hereon I began to be more concern'd for any affronts offered to the Lord's glory by others. I saw transgressors and was grieved, because they kept not God's law Psalm cxix. 158. and was oft made to weep, and pray for them in secret. Jer. xiii. 17. 4. I found it easy and delightsomc to supress resentments,
and oppose them, and even to pray for those whom I i apprehended to have injured me. Luke vi. 27. 28.
Yea, with delight I could seek their gaod, their real
good, and pray earnestly for it. Pfalm xxxv. 13. 0ther consequences of this discovery will be mentioned hereafter in their proper places.
16. To conclude this chapter, I found this discovery sweetiy drawing Pfalm cxix. 32. Cant. i. 4. to a. willing, chearful endeavour after holiness in all manner of conversation. Whereas, all former courses I took only drave forcibly, to a feign'd submission : Which made me oft admirc the folly of Sociniuns,and Arminians, and other Pelagian enemies, who pretend, That free justification leads to security and careJefsness. I could not but say and think often, What, shall I believe such wild and wicked reproaches against my clear experience ? Do not I find the quite contrary, while the love of Christ constrains to judge thus, That if one died for all, then were all dead, that they · who henceforth live, should not live to themselves, but to him that diell for them. 2 Cor. v. 14. 15. They err, not knowing the Scriptures, nor the power of God.
Thus all things were in some measure made new; and I, who a little before, with the jaylor, Aets xvi. 34. had fallen down trembling, was now raised up and set down to feast with the disciples of the Lord, rejoicing and believing. But alas ! I was like the dif. ciples on the mount, I dreamed not of what was abiding me, Matth. xvii. 4. as the sequel will shew.
This I desire to re-count, however with thankful. ness, not to my own commendation, but to the praise of the glory of his grace, Eph. i. 3, 6. How far I was from having attained, 'or being already perfect, Phil, iii. 12. the following pages will clear.
GH A P. III. Containing an account of the pleasure of my cale ai
this time, the mistakes I was still under, the fad effects of them, and the way of their discovery
1. His glorious discovery was very surprising,
1 and filled me with wonder; oft was I made to stand and wonder what this strange fight meant, Exod. jii. 3. and whereto it would turn; Things that I had not heard were told me: Ifa: lii. 15. Oft did I say, IVhat hath the Lord wrought! Plalm' cxxvi, 1, 2, 3. " When God turned back the captivity of
Zion, we were like men that dreamed. Our mouth ( was fill'd with laughter, and our tongue with sing ing: Then said they among the Heathen, The Lord hath done great things for them. The Lord liath done great things for us, whereof we are glad :' The greatness of the things God had done surpassed belief; and yet the great and clear light wherein they were discovered, and the discernible effects would not allow me to doubt.
2. Albeit the effects of this discovery above-mentioned were most discernible at first, yet I did not then, nor till after that light was gone, distinctly observe them; For, 1. The glory of the Lord was fu great, that for a time I only fixed my eyes upon that, and I was less intent, though much pleased with it, upon the change that was thereby wrought on me. All this while I was still crying out, Whence is this to me? Luke i. 43. And what ani ], and what's my father's house, that the Lord has visited me, and brought me hitherto? 2 Sam. vii. 18. Again, 2. I was the less fenfiole, or at least was the less distinct in observing these things, because of the remaining darkness as to the many and great things contain'd in the covenant of grace. This light clearly reveald the mystery of G2,
free justification through Christ, and peace by his blood : But I was afterward to learn other things belonging to the mystery of redemption : This was what I at present needed, and this the Lord gave a. bundantly, in fo far as the present case required it." But yet after this glorious light had stay'd some considerable time with me, I was fadly ignorant of many of the most important things relating even unto the mystery of forgiveness, the daily use of this attonement, and the use especially of the Lord Christ, with respect to sanctification: Well might Christ say to me many a day after this, as to Philip, John xiv. ), Have I been so long time with you, and yet hast thou not known me, Philip? What therefor the Lord had done at this time, I knew not now, but hereafter, John xiii. 7, 16, 13., when the comforter had further instructed me in the nature of the gospel-discovery, as I was able to bear it, and as my daily exigencies required it; and when with Peter, being come to mylelf, recovered out of the strange surprize, and put to consider the thing; then knew I with him, Arts xii. 11,12. more distinctly what concerned the Lord's work, and what he had done for me. Afts xviii. 26.
3. This discovery, while it laited, was full of ravishing sweetness, and many things contributed very much to make it so. 1. The case wherein it found me : I was condemned by God,by my own conscience, and was like to sink under the pressure of the fear of a present execution of the sentence: When the usual labours of the day required that I should sleep, and my body toil'd and wasted with the disquiet of my mind, made me heavy, and urg'd it more : Yet I was
afraid to close mine eyes, lest I should awaken in hell, ' and durft not let myself neep, till I was by å weary
body beguiled into it, least I should drop into the pit before I was aware. Eccles, v. 12. Was it any won.
der, that the news of pardon and forgiveness were · fweet to one in such a case? Whereby I was made to ly
down in safety, and take' quiet rest, while there was none to make me afraid : Micah iv. 4. For lo giveth he his beloved. Neep: Psalm cxxvii. 2. A little before: I was like Jonah in the whale's belly: Jonah ii. 5, 6, -7. 'The waters com passed me about even to the foul; " the deep closed me round about, the weeds were " wrapt about my head, I went down to the bottoms • of the mountains, the earth with her bars was about ome for ever : verfe 4. And I said, I am cast out of
God's sight, Now, was it any wonder that such an one was delighted when brought into a garden of delights ? placed out of all view of trouble, save a reflection on it as passed, which is refreshing, and set down to sun himself, and dry himself under the re. freshing rays of the sun of righteousness. 2. The things that the Lord discovered, were in themselves glorious, the glory of the Lord fhone about me : I saw such things as eye hath not seen, besides thee O God. Isa Ixiv. 4. No man hath feen God at any time, the on. ly begotten of the Father, he hath declared him : John i. 18. In a word what I saw was the mystery of god. .linefs, i Tim iii. 26. the wonders of God's law, which the angels stooping earnestly louk into, 1 Pet i. 12. and that with wonder. 3. They were new things wherewithal I was utterly unacquaint before, and this made them the more affecting : sa lii. 15. He shall ( sprinkle many nations, the kings shall shut their « mouths at him : For that which had not been told • them shall they see, and that which they had not « heard shall they consider. As cold waters to a thri. <sty soul, so is good news from a far country, Prov XXV. 25 Again, 4. The light wherein these things were discovered, was a clear sparkling light, that had a warming force, and reviving influence, that I was altogether a stranger to before : And one that was a stranger to light, at least to this light of the Lord, could not but with pleasure enjoy it, for truly light,