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faw not that the grace that was sufficient, 2 Cor. xi. 9. was yet in the Lord's hand.
7. But now the Lord quickly undeceived me, for 1. After a little he began to hide himself. Psalm xxx. 7. 2. He gave me a thurn in the flesh to humble me! 2 Cor. xii. 7. My corruptions began to ftir again, and like giants refresh'd by winc; to make furious af. faults. 3. A mesenger of Satan was sent to buffet meg Ibid. and I began to feel the fury of his temprations.
8. Hereon I was caft into great perplexity. 1, I fell into deep sorrow; Thou didíthid thy face and I was troubled. Psalm xxx. 7.. 2. I began to question the truth of former manifestations, and to say with the disciples, We thought it had been he that should have redeemed Ifrael. Luke xxiv. 21 Again, 3. I began to doubt of my through-bearance, and to say, One day I mall perish by the hand of Saul. 1 Sam. xxvii. 1. And, 4. I began to quarrel secretly with the Lord as if he had beguiled me, and to fay, Why hast thou not delivered me? Exod. v. 12, 13. Why is my bondage increas'd since thou began to appear for my deliverance ?
9. Under this café I tried all means, but run oft to wrong ways. 1. I complain'd, and then my soul was overwhelmed. Psalm lxxvii. 3. Again, 2. I thought upon God; but not finding the discoveries as before, I was troubled. Ibid. 3. I enquired into the causes of this ; Pfalm lxxvi. 6, 7, &c. Wherefor hideft thou thy face? Why art thou so far from helping? But here oft my spirit began to go too far, and even to say, Jer. xv. 18. Wilt thou be always as a liar, and as waters that fail? And then I took inyfelf and was funk deeper for my wickedness in chiding with God. 4. I essay'd to shake myself, and to go to duty as before : Judg. xvi. 20. I wist not the Lord was departed, that my locks were cit, and that the enemy ihat lay in my bosom had discovered my strength, and got between me and it,
10. I was hereon melancholly exceedingly, and so much the more, that now I remembred all my goodly pleafint things I enjoyed before I fell into the enemies hand : Lami. 7. But yet when after the violence of my conflict I recovered myself, I could not but see that things were better at my worse case, than formerly
in my best. For, 1, The Lord gave frequent blinks , of his countenance: He shewed himself at the win-.
dows and Aourish'd at the latteffes, Cant ii. and sometimes put in his finger by the hole of the door, and spoke kindly; and my bowels were moved for him; V. 4. 2. He frequently let me see fomewhat of his power and glory in the sanctuary, Pfalm lxiii. 2, 3. opened a scripture and made my heart burn, or unfolded my case and and told me all that was in my heart, Luike xxiv. 32, or let me fee the end of enemies, 3. Sometimes he allowed me access to him, Rom v. 2. and made me come even to his feat, Job xxiii. 3. and pour out my soul to him. Psalm lxii, 8. 4. When I was at my lowest, I stood otherwise affected to Christ than before: Though I could not run after him, yet I unwillingly stayed away : My soul longed after him: Psalm lxxxiv. 2. when wilt thou come? Psalm ci. 2. I frequently breathed for draw. ings, Draw me, and I will run after thee; Cant i; 4. sometimes I essayed to stretch out the withered hand, and wished for the command that would impower me to lay hold on him; I still stuck to this, that fal, vation only is to be found in him, I refus'd to go any where else, but resolved to wait on, and though he Mould say me yet trust in him I would. Job yi. 68. 5. As to the law of the Lord, though I could not run as when my heart was enlarged, Psalm cxix. 32: -5-17.–35. yet my will was still bent that way; I long'd to walk, and run, and for that enlargment that would make me run : I breathed after conformi. ty; I had no quarrel at it, but myself: I delightedin the law after the inward man, Rom, vii. 22. 6. As
to sin, there was a great odds; though I could not, delight in duty as before, I abhorred thoughts of delighting in sin; I was sometimes by the power of temptation driven to consent to its embraces, but that was just such a forc'd consent, as by the power of conviction I before gave to the law : When ever I was at myself, I retracted it: My repenting's were kindled within' me: Hof. xi. 8. Though it prevailed, my heart was not with it as before ; Judg. xvi. 15. I found another fort of opposition made to it; it was dead in purpose and design; and if it gained victory, I was the more enrag'd against it; in a word, as to the law of God I was as a fick man with his friends Gtting at his bed-side; he has no aversion to them, though he cannot delight in them as before; he reflects with such a pleasure, as his present case allows, upon the satisfaction he has had in their converse, and wishes to be in case again : But I was quite contrary with reSpect to fin. Finally, This deadness was now a preternatural state;. I could not rest in it, but cry'd dai. ly, Plalm lxxxv. 6. When wilt thou revive me? I loathed myself for it: I wearied, I essay'd to break prison, I looked back to former seasons when it had been otherwise, and oft said, O that it were with me as in mouths paft. Job xxix. 2.
CHA P. IV. Containing an account of my strugglings with indwell.
ing fin, its victories, the causes of them on my part, and God's goodness with respect to this trial.
1. I Had not been long in this pleasant cale before
1 I found my mistake, that enemies were not foil'd, and that I must down into the valley, and wrestle with principalities and powers, Eph. vi. 12. and fight with no less enemies than the anakims. My corruptions, felf, pallion, &c. and especially those fins
had fartent adwawever, oft fuc
which easily beset me, Heb. xii. 1. which formerly I was so careful to have spared, and which I refus'd to deliver up to justice, set upon nie. And finding that I was now no more theirs as formerly, they gave me frequent foils; I fell before them often, and multiply'd relapses : Rom. 'vii. 21, 19, When I would do good, evil was present with me, and the good I would ao, through their power, I did not, and the evil 1 would not do, that I did. Thus I learn'd, That the difference betwixt the Lord's people and others, is not simply in this, that the one falls, and the other Itands, but that there is a difference in the issue ; Prov. xxiv. 16. The juft man falleth seven times a day, but the wicked mall fall into mifcheif.
2. Now though I was unwilling to fight, I drew to armour, upon the appearance of these enemies, who received great advantage by that security wherein I. had fallen. And before ever I was aware, they receiv. ed a great advantage, I could not easily get from them again. But however, since fight I must, I try'd what weapons would be most fuccessful; Judg. xi. 35. And, Il, I objected to them, that now I had no more to do with them; I had engaged with the Lord. Ifa. vxvi. 13. 2. I essay'd to reason against them, as Joseph did, bu, without his faith, Shall I do this great evil and fin against God? Gen. xxxix. 9. 3. When they fill persisted, I essay'd to flee from them and avoid the occasions : But the enemy was in my bosom. Prov. iv. 14, 15. 4. I pray'd against them, that the Lord would rebuke them. Zech. iii. 2. 5. I complain'd of them as his enemies. Hab. i. 1. 6. I protested against them. Rom. vii. 20. And many other ways did I try. .
3. But after all they perfifted and I was often foild, and hereon I fell into grievous discourage. . ments. And, 1, I began to doubt, if I was fincere, or if the Lord was really with me: If the Lord be with us, why is all this evil come upon us? Judg. vi.
13. 2. I began to doubt of the issue, and conclude, I should one day perish by their hand, i Sam, xxvii. 1. 3. My conscience being defil'd, I was dampa, and could not look up to God. And upon the whole, I was in very great distress, ose ar giving'over. Plam xl, 12.
4. Though I oft searched at the time, I could not discover whence it was that I fail'd. Pfalm Ixxvii. 6. For no mean that I thought of then, almoft I lefe unessay'd. But since, several reasons of the prevalencje of fin, and the unsuccessfulness of my attempts against it, has the Lord graciously discovered, though I am far from thinking to hit them all or pretending to remember, even all that the Lord hath discovered, yet. some of them I shall mention that now occur. 1. I was in the entry of this warfare too confident in grace already received, laid too much stress on it, and promised too much on my own hand, like Peter; Matth xxvi, 33. and no wonder I met with his fare, and was left to make discoveries of my own weakness. 2. The subtil enemies I had to do with, took me betwixt the Itraits, and I was not watchful against, nor aware of the seasons when they had special advantage. The thief knew his time when the good man is froni home, and all is quiet. Matth xxiv. 43. And I did not watch ; and therefore he came in an hour when I looked not for him. 3. Mine enemies put me upon vain work, where the sin lay, not in the thing itself, but in the degree of it, there my subtil enemies put mc on to appear agains, and seek to eradicate what was really in itself lawful. Of this I had many instances with respect to passions and worldly employments, and converfe with sinful people : I minded not, that if we were bound altogether up fron 'converse, with the idolators fornicators, etc. of this world, we musi needs go out of this world : 1 Cor v. 1o. And as there was an anger to be avoided, so there was an anger that was allowable, and even duty required that