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which eafily befet me, Heb. xii. 1. which formerly I was fo careful to have spared, and which I refus'd to deliver up to justice, fet upon me. And finding that I was now no more theirs as formerly, they gave me frequent foils; I fell before them often, and multiply'd relapfes: Rom. vii. 21, 19, When I would do good, evil was present with me, and the good I would do, through their power, I did not, and the evil 1 would not do, that I did. Thus I learn'd, That the difference betwixt the Lord's people and others, is not fimply in this, that the one falls, and the other ftands, but that there is a difference in the iffue; Prov. xxiv. 16. The just man falleth feven times a day, but the wicked fhall fall into mifcheif.

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2. Now though I was unwilling to fight, I drew to armour upon the appearance of thefe enemies, who received great advantage by that security wherein I had fallen. And before ever I was aware, they receiv ed a great advantage, I could not eafily get from them again. But however, fince fight I muft, I try'd what weapons would be moft fuccefsful; Judg. xi. 35. And, I, I objected to them, that now I had no more to do with them; I had engaged with the Lord. Ifa. xvi. 13. 2. I effay'd to reafon against them, as Jofeph did, but without his faith, Shall I do this great evil and fin against God? Gen. xxxix. 9. 3. When they All perfifted, I effay'd to flee from them and avoid the occafions: But the enemy was in my bofom. Prov. iv. 14, 15. 4. I pray'd against them, that the Lord would rebuke them. Zech. iii. 2. 5. I complain'd of them as his enemies. Hab. i. 1. 6. I protefted against them. Rom. vii. 20. And many other ways did I try.

3. But after all they perfifted and I was often foil'd, and hereon I fell into grievous difcouragements. And, I, I began to doubt, if I was fincere, or if the Lord was really with me: If the Lord be with us, why is all this evil come upon us? Judg.vi.

13.

13. 2. I began to doubt of the iffue, and conclude, I fhould one day perish by their hand. 1 Sam. xxvii. 1. 3. My confcience being defil'd, I was damp`2, and could not look up to God. And upon the whole, I was in very great diftrefs, oft at giving over. Pfalm

xl, 12.

4. Though I oft fearched at the time, I could not difcover whence it was that I fail'd. Pfalm lxxvii. 6. For no mean that I thought of then, almoft I left uneffay'd. But fince, feveral reafons of the prevalency offin, and the unfuccefsfulness of my attempts against it, has the Lord graciously discovered, though I am far from thinking to hit them all or pretending to remember, even all that the Lord hath difcovered, yet fome of them I fhall mention that now occur. I. I was in the entry of this warfare too confident in grace already received, laid too much ftrefs on it, and promifed too much on my own hand, like Peter; Matth xxvi. 33. and no wonder I met with his fate, and was left to make difcoveries of my own weakness. 2. The fubtil enemies I had to do with, took me betwixt the ftraits, and I was not watchful againft, nor aware of the feafons when they had fpecial advantage. The thief knew his time when the good man is from home, and all is quiet. Matth xxiv. 43. And I did not watch; and therefore he came in an hour when I looked not for him. 3. Mine enemies put me upon vain work, where the fin lay, not in the thing itself, but in the degree of it, there my fubtil enemies put me on to appear againft, and feek to eradicate what was really in itfelf lawful. Of this I had many instances with refpect to paffions,and worldly employments, and converfe with finful people: I minded not, that if we were bound altogether up from converfe, with the idolators fornicators, etc. of this world, we must needs go out of this world: 1 Cor v. 10. And as there was an anger to be avoided, fo there was an anger that was allowable, and even duty required that

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we should be angry, Eph iv. 26. but fo as to avoid fin. Eccl vii. 9. This fatan tempted me to provoke God, by aiming at things which were neither given of God, nor had I any reafon to expect them, and thus to tempt God, by seeking stones to be made bread, Matth iv. 3. or things not meet to be done; like the ftoicks, I was not content to have the paffions kept in their own order, but would have them eradicated. Thus the devil drives to extremes, and when we fail of fuccefs, he takes thence occafion to difcourage us, Again, 4. I ftill neglected fome means of God's appointment, under pretence of inconveniencies and difficulties, and fometimes because irksome to the flesh whereas these were oft-times the only proper means that were omitted, or at leaft the principal in that cafe. The omiffion of one thing ruins much, and our apologies and excufes will not do. 1 Sam xiii. 13, 15, 20, 22. Some particular fins require particular remedies: When God has appointed the ufe of thefe, and this is omitted, no wonder all others fail. When the difciples afk'd, wherefore they could not caft the devil out, our Lord told them, there were fome kinds that went not out, but by fafting and prayer. Mark ix. 28, 29. Whenever any mean is appointed by God when the cafe occurs, wherein it is requifite, the remedy of God's appointment must be us'd, as we would reach the end. If there are fuppofed, or real difficulties, yet while thefe difficulties are not our fin, we have reason to trust him as to these, and try the means. 5. I was often flothful, and by drowsiness a man is clothed with rags, Prov xxiii. 21. and enemies may eafily fow tares when men are asleep. Matth xiii. 25. 6. Above all, I was little acquaint with the way of faith's improvement of Christ for fanctification, and a trade with the throne of grace for fupplies to help in time of need. John v. 40. 7.I was fometimes not fingle in my aims; I defigned to have a victory that would eafe me of the trouble of watch.

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watchfulness. I was weary of a fighting life, and would have been at eafe, and had too much of an eye unto this, and fuch like aims; and, belike, if I had got leave to reft, I would have been too proud of my fuccefs: Thus we ask and receive not, because we afk amifs, to confume it on our lufts. James iv. 3. 8. When I was not prefently heard, I did not perfevere in prayer for the fupplies of grace that I fought. Luke xviii. 1. Thus I found oft, that fo long as I was with the Lord, he was with me. 2 Chron. xv. 2. They that wait on the Lord fhall renew their ftrength. Ifa. xl. 31. But I was too foon over with it. And from thefe, and the like caufes did my want of fuccefs proceed.

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5. Yet notwithstanding all thefe dreadful mifcarriages on my part, the Lord in the heat of this conflict, and even while I was many way faulty, was very kind; 1. He kept me from giving quite over, though I fell, yet I was not quite caft down Pfalm xxxvii. 24. 2. When I had many times gone furtheft with temptations, yet he came in with feafonable help; and paffing all my mifcarriages, he helped me up, let me fee that he kept me from being quite overcome, and gave me fome affurances for the future. Pfalm Ixxiii. 24. Thus foolish was I and ignorant, I was " as a beaft before thee. Nevertheless I am continually with thee: Thou haft holden me by my right hand. Thou wilt guide me by thy counfel and re'ceive me to glory.' 3. I had gracious experiences of the Lord's helping in the time of need, and hearing cries. The Lord fometimes ftepp'd in when I was overcome, and fent as it were an Abigail to keep me from executing my wicked purposes; 1 Sam xxv. 32. fometimes he gave me a cleanly victory, and ftrengthned me to repel temptations: And many other ways did he help and deliver. Pfalm cvi. 43. 4. He fometimes, and even very frequently, when I was hard put to it, clear'd up my fincerity, and gave me fuch views of it, as emboldened me to appeal to

him, which freed me of that temptation, and left at liberty under this advantage of this new encouragement, to oppofe more vigorously: Pfalm cxxxix. 21, 22. Do not I hate all them that hate thee? I hate them with a perfect hatred, I count them mine enemies.' And hereby I was not emboldened to fin, I durft not take incouragement to fin, because grace abounded, though motions were made this way by my naughty heart; but I was made more afraid of offend ing. Thefe, and many other ways was the Lord kind in the conflict; He frequently said to me, fear not; Surely there is an end, and thine expectation fhall not be cut off. Prov, xxiii. 18, xxiv, 14.

6. The Lord has fince let me fee what gracious defigns he carried on by this trial, and what need there was of it in order both to his glory and my good; 1. Hereby he taught me the nature of that state we are here in, that it is a wilderness,Cant. viii. 5. a warfare, I Cor ix. 7. 2 Cor x 4. and that we must all be foldiers, if we mean to be chriftians 2. He taught me hereby, that the grace that is fufficient for us, 2 Cor: xii. 9. is not in our own hand, but in the Lord's ; and that therefor our fecurity with refpect to future temptations, is not in grace already received, but in this, that there is enough in the promife, and the way patent to the throne of grace for it. Heb. iv. 16. 3. He taught me that God is the fovereign difpofer, and gives out as he fees meet in time of need, ibid. his own grace, Eph iv.7. and he is the only judge of the proper feafon of giving it out. 4. He led me hereby to difcern fomewhat more of the covenant of grace, that in it there are no promises made of abfolute freedom from fin while we are here; 1 John i. 8. 'If any man fay he has no fin he is a liar: And that we have no promile of freedom from grofs fins, and thefe fins wherein we have been formerly entangled, but in the ufe and diligent ufe of the means of the Lord's appointment. 2 Peter i. 8. 'If thefe things be

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