in you, and abound, they make you that ye fhall neither be barren, nor unfruitful in the knowlege of our Lord Jefus Chrift.' 5. Hereby he taught me that great leflon, that when I am weak (in myfelf) than I am ftrong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. 2 Cor. xii. 10. Whenever I was diffident of myself, I was then always victorious, or at leaft came off without hazard: Which is very far different from what men generally think: That when a Iman is diffident and diftrufts himself, that then he is not meet for managing any undertaking; and this is indeed true when he is carnally diffident. But where there is a diftruft of felf, with an eye to the Lord, it is very far otherwife. 6. He hereby taught me the ufe and neceffity, and glory of that provifion that is made by the covenant of grace for guilt; it writes all to us to diffuade from, and enable us against fin; But if any man fin,' thro' the power of temptation, it let us fee an advocate with the father, and blood that cleanfeth from all fin.' 1 John iii. 3. 7. He let me fee his holy jealoufy, and how difpleas'd he was with me for my cleaving to fin fo long, and finful forbearance. Because I would not flay them as the Lord appointed me, and when he required it; therefor he left them like the nations of Canaan, Judges ii. 3. to tempt and try me. The fins that now molefted me, and frequently caft me down, were thofe that I fought to fpare before; God cried often to me to part with them, and I would not hear, and now God would not hear when I cried to be rid of them: Thou waft a God that forgaveft' their iniquities, but thou tookeft vengeance of their inventions. Pfalm xcix. 8. 8. The Lord by this did humble, Deut viii. 2. and prove, and let me fee what was in my heart, even a great deal more wickedness than I fufpected. 9. The Lord hereby inftructed me that this is not my refts Micah ii. 10, &c. and made me value heaven more than otherwife I would have done. 10. Hereby he difcovered the riches and extent of that forgiveness that is with him, Psalm cxxx. 4, 7. that it reaches to iniquity, tranfgreffion and fin; Exod. xxxiv. 7 That is, fins of all forts, multiplied relapfes not excepted. He that requires us to forgive to Jeventy times feven in a day, will not do lefs; Matth. xviii. 22. Yea he tells us, that in this refpect, his thoughts are as far above ours as the heavens are above the earth, Isa. lv. 9. And finally the Lord hereby fitted me to compaffionate others who are tempted, and comfort them. 2 Cor. i. 4. Heb. ii. 18. Thus I was made a gainer by my loffes and falls, to the praife of his grace. 7. After fome years struggling, the Lord made me lay by all prejudices against proper means, and wait on him in the ufe of them all, with fome eye to him, and then he gave me in fome measure à victory, Thanks be to God who giveth us the victory.' I Cor. xv. 57. CHAP. V. Containing an account of my exercise about the guilt of fin, the means of obtaining pardon, and the inti mations thereof. 1. He power of indwelling fin being still great, and through its own activity, occafional temptations, more fix'd advantages, and my own miftakes and negligence, frequently prevalent, I was caft into frequent perplexities about its guilt: Pfalm Xxxviii. 3. There was no foundness in my bones, no reft in my confcience for fins that I had done. 2. Befides fins of infirmity, fometimes my corrup tions, did through my floth, neglect of proper means, and the advantages they otherwife had from temptations, and from their being rooted in my nature, bear me down, and carry me captive, prevail against me, and carry me not only into commiffion of groffer for them. 3. At fometimes when I fell into fuch fins, when felf and pride prevail'd, or the like evils I was more deeply engaged againft, obtain'd any notable advantage, I was, by the deceitfulnefe of fin for a time, Heb. iii. 13. hardned and infenfible, like David after his foul fall. But then, 1. While it was fo, grace languished, the things that remained were ready to die. Rev, iii. 2. 2. The Lord hid himfelf, I had no countenance in duty; while this regard to fin continued, all was out of order. P/alm lxvi, 18, 4. At other times I had no fooner complied, but my heart inftantly fmote me, 1 Sam. xxiv. 5. and was prefently with Peter after his fall, Matth. xxvi. 75. call'd and stirred up to the exercife of repentance and enquiries after forgivenefs. But fooner or latter the Lord awakned me out of this fecurity, and fet my fins in order, fometimes by one mean, and fometimes by another, before mine eyes. 1. Sometimes he tryfted me with fome outward affliction, and hid himself, and then I was put under a bleffed neceffity of feeking after him, and enquiring into the reafon of his withdrawing, and laying his hand on me. When I was bound in the cords of affliction, he fhewed to me my tranfgreffions that I had exceeded. Job xxxvi. 89. I will go and return to my place, till they acknowlege their offence, and feek my face: in their affliction they will feek me early.' Hof. v. 15. 2. He fometimes remarkably punished me, and wrote my fin upon my punishment, Romans ii 21, &c. Because when I knew God, I glotified him not as God, neither was thankful: but became vain in my imaginations; therefor God, though he gave me not (glory to his name) to vile affections, yet he let them loofe to moleft me. He as it were gave a commiffion to the king of Egypt, Affyria, or Babylon, Ezek xxiii. 9. fome of my powerful neighbouring enemies, evils to whom I had formerly been in bondage, with which I had been in friendship,on whom to my wounding I had doted, and therefor now hated above all others,to fome one or other, or it may be mo, gave he a commiffion or permiffion to invade me; And then I began to confider what I had done, and open mine eyes when I was in the strait, and closely affaulted by them. 3. Sometimes again, and most frequently by his word and fpirit in ordinances he roufed me, and laid as it were his finger on the fore, told me all that I had done; He fent a Nathan that told, Thou art the man. 2 Sam. xii. 7. Whoever get away with fin, his own will not get leave to lie ftill, though they may lie long in it; "You only have I known of all the families of the earth; therefor I will punish you for all your iniquities.' Amos iii. 2. 5. When the Lord discovered fin to me, then was my foul troubled; 1. A fenfe of the wrath of God. was let into my confcience, which at fometimes was very terrible. I had no reft because his indignation went forth against me. Pfalm cii. 10. Jer. xv. 17. The poifon of his arrows drunk up my fpirits. Job vi. 4. 2. My foul was filled with fhame, while a fenfe of innumerable evils and especially fuch as imported ingratitude and wretched unkindness, lay heavy on my confcience, I could not look up for blushing; Pfal. xl. 12. I lay down in my shame, and my confufion covered me. Jer. iii. 25. 3. I was caft into dreadful fears left the Lord fhould in anger shut up his tender mercies, and be gracious no more, Pfalm lxxvii. 8, 9. and I should not get pardon, or at least a fenfe of it any more. 6. Satan, 6. Satan, who waited for my halting, finding me in this cafe, did frequently tempt me to give over duty; 1. He told me over all the marks of God's difpleafure, and put the worft conftruction on every thing, as he did with Cain. Gen. iv. 14. 2. He here. on tempted me to draw his conclufion, That my fin was greater than that it could be forgiven, and that fo there was no fuccour in God for me. ver. 13. And 3. Hereon he told me, there was no more forgiveness, God's mercy was at an end, he had forgotten to be gracious, and attempted to prove it by the unfuccefsfulness of my endeavours, and therefor inferr'd that it was to no purpose to wait any longer. 2 Kings vi. 33. 7. But the Lord graciously broke the force of this temptation; 1. Sometimes by far off difcoveries of forgiveness; Who can tell, but he may be gracious. 2 Sam. xii. 22. 2. By re-minding me of former kindnefs, the Years of the right hand of the most high, Pfalm lxxvii. 10. and the difcoveries of the foverignity of his grace, at firft when he manifefted himfelf. 3. By letting me fee the defperate iffue of this courfe that ruin was inveitable in it; if I fat (till I faw I was gone if I went into the city, and again followed the courfe of the world, I faw inveitable ruin there, and therefor I refolv'd to throw myfelf upon him, and if he fav'd me alive I liv'd. And if otherwife, I fhould but die. 2 Kings vii. 4. Job xiii. 15. 4. When this temptation was urged moft violently, and I was hard put to it, then I thought it not time, to difpute, whether ever the Lord had manifefted himself favingly, but yeilded the worst as to my cafe that the temper could pretend, and then I laid my café in all aggravations to the extenfive promifes of the covenant. Be it granted, faid I, that I am but a hypocrite, that I never obtain'd pardon, that I am the cheif of finners, that my fins have fuch aggravations, as thofe of none other of mankind's fins are attended with all : Yet the blood of Chrift cleanfeth from all fin, und H 4 <he |