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vation from the danger that was fuppofed imminent, at least by me, Peace, acceptance, communion with God, came not much in my thoughts. I was afraid and unwilling to die; I would gladly have been out of danger of hell. This was all my exercife at this time. It was not fin, but death its confequence I was concern'd to be rid of; Exod. x. 26, Then Pharaoh called for Mofes and Aaron in hafte, and faid, I have finned against the Lord your God-Now therefor I pray thee, forgive my fin only this once, and intreat the Lord your God, that he may take away from me this death only.

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3. As this exercife was wholly felfish, without any concern for the Lord's glory, fo it led me to selfish courfes for relief. I promised, That were I at land, I would five and be better than formerly: I engag'd to keep all God's commands. My mother told me, I was in a mistake, and would not hold there. But there was no perfuading one fo ignorant of his own heart, as I at this time was, of this. I multiply'd engage. ments, and doubted not myself as to the performance: Joh. xxiv. 16. And the people answered, God forbid that we should forfake the Lord to Jerve other gods.- -ver. 19. And Joshua faid unto the people, Ye cannot ferve the Lord; for he is an holy God. 21. And the people faid unto Joshua, Nay, but we will ferve the Lord.

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4. No fooner was I come to land, and fix'd at Rotterdam, but I verified what had been foretold. I forgot all my promifes and refolutions. The unrenewed and corrupt heart, being free from the force put upon it by the natural confcience under appearance of haz ard, took its old courfe. I returned to former evils and grew worfe: Corruption, that had been damm'd in for a little, having eafily forc'd down all thefe Mounds raffed to hold it in, run with the greater violence. It is true, thro' the mercy of God I was still reftrained from open fcandalous fins. Toward which

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the aw of my godly and prudent mother, and prin ciples of education did contribute not a little : But as to fecret evils of all forts I had no aversion to them : Nay, to many of them I was strongly inclin'd, and in many inftances followed my own inclinations. I was a ready and eafy prey to every temptation, notwithftanding all my engagements:Jer. ii. 20. And thou faidft, I will not tranfgrefs, when upon every high hill, and under every green tree thou wandereft, playing the harlot.

5. My fins, in this place, had this grievous aggravation, That they were against greater light, and more of the means of grace than I had formerly enjoyed. On the Lord's day we had three Sermons and two Lectures in the Scots church, on Thursday, a Sermon there likewife. On Tuesday one of the fuffering Minifters by turns preach'd, There was a meeting for prayer on Wednesday. On Monday and Friday's night Mr. James Kirkton commonly lectured in his family. On Saturday he catechized the children of the Scots fufferers who came to him. My mother took care to have me attend most of thefe occafions, was careful to keep me to duty, was not wanting in advice, correction, prayer with and for me, the obliged me to read the fcriptures and other edifying books But fo. far were all these from obtaining a due effect on me, that I was weary of them, and went on in fin: Ifa. v. 4. What could have been done more, (viz. in point of outward means) to my vineyard, that I have not done? Wherefor when I looked that it should have brought forth grapes, brought it forth wild grapes? Mal, i. 13. Ye faid also (viz. of the Lord's fervice) What a wearinefs is in it? And ye have fnuffed at it faith the Lord of Hofts: And ye brought that which was torn, and the lame and the fick; thus ye have brought an offering: fhould I accept this of your hand, faith the Lord?

6. At this time I wanted not frequent convictions,

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occafioned fome times by the preaching of the word, and at other feafons by the light of my education, which ftill hung about me, and was a check upon me : But all this were only like the ftarts of a fleeping man, occafion'd by fome fudden noife; up he gets, but prefently he is down, and fafter afleep than before. I found means to get rid of these convictions. I. I would, when they were uncafy, promise them a hear. ing afterwards. Acts xxiv. 25. And as Paul reafoned of righteoufness, temperance, and judgment to come, Felix trembled, and anfwered, Go thy way, and when I have a convenient feafon I will call for thee. 2. At other feafons, I looked to the tendency of them, that they aim'd at engaging me to be holy, and then I por'd upon the difficulties of that courfe, till I not only got the edge of my convictions blunted, but frighted myself from a compliance: Prov. xxii. 13. The fluggard faith, There is a lion in the way, and 1 fhall be flain in the streets. 3. When convictions were lighter, I got rid of them by withdrawing from the means. -James i. 23. 24: If a man be a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like unto a man beholding his natural face in a glass: For he beholdeth himself, and goeth his way, and straightway forgetteth what manner of man he was. 4. Sometimes I promised them fair, and fo put them off at that time, but minded it not afterward. Matth. xxi. 30. And he laid to the fecond likewife, and he anfweaed, I go, Sir, and went not. 5. Sometimes they iffued in fruitless,unactive and flothful wifhes; Prov. xiii. 4. The foul of the fluggard defireth, and hath nothing. xxi. 25. The defire of the flothful killeth him; for his hands refufeth to la bour. 6. At other times when they were troublefome, I turned mine eye to fomething which I thought good, in my way, though, the Lord knows, little was there that had fo much as any tolérable appearance of good. Yet fo foolish was I, that I refted here, as if this had been not only enough to attone for bygones,

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but procure good at God's hand, Luke xviii. 10, 1I. Two men went up into the Temple to pray, the one a Pharifee, the other a Publican. The Pharifee food and prayed with himself, God I thank thee that I am not as other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this Publican, &c. 7. Sometimes I endeavoured to diminish my fin as much as I could. Hof. xii. 8. 'Ìn all my labours they fhall find no iniquity in me, that were fin.' 8. When thefe fhifts failed, and they were still uneafy, I then betook myself to diverfion's, and they chock'd the word and convictions from it: Luke viii. 14. And that which fell among

thorns are they, which when they have heard, go "forth, and are chocked with cares and riches, and 'pleafures of this life, and bring no fruit to perfec'tion.'

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7. About this time I met with fome things that croffed me. Hereon I turned thoughtful, what way to rid myself of these difficulties. I feemed more than ordinary concerned, and my Spirit was much troubled; yet really this ftrait led me not to God. But my thoughts were spent in refentments against the real, or fuppofed authors of my uneafinefs, in proud, felfish and vain contrivances for mine own eafe and relief: P/alm x. 4. The wicked through 'the pride of his countenance, will not seek after 'God: God is not in all his thoughts. Job xxxv. 9. 10. They cry out by reafon of the arm of the Mighty: But none faith, Where is God my Maker, "who giveth fongs in the night? Ifa. xxii. 8. 11. And thou didit look in that day to the armour of the house of the forreft, &c. But ye have not looked unto the Maker thereof, neither had refpect to him that fashioned it long ago.

8 About the month of December 1686, upon the earneft defire of my father's fifter, married to John Glas provost of Perth, I was fent home. While I ftaid in his family, I faw nothing of religion, tho' my aunt

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was a woman very moral. Here I was much indulged. I got liberty, and I took it. I faw little of the worthip of God, and I eafily complied, and turned remifs too. What further advances toward an open rejectionof the very form of religion, I made in this place I do not now, at this distance diftinctly remember: But no doubt they were great. This I do remember, that I found my averfion to these fins, which thro' the influence of education I abominated before, fenfibly weakned. Yea, I found fome fecret hankering after fome of them, a delight in them,who were guilty, and a fort of approbation of them in my heart. Yet ftill I was, in a great measure, restrained from an avowed practical compliance, by the awful impreffions early inftruction had left on my mind, which were not as yet wholly worn off; tho' far were they decayed, confidering the fhortness of my stay, whence I may eafily difcern what had become of them, If I had stayed longer here. Further I mind, that as this time, I had a great averfion to learning, which was the only good thing that in this place was urged upon me. I looked on it as a burden and drudgery, to which the bafeft employments were to be preferr'd and hence I no way fet my heart to it but trifled my time away. And many a finful fhift did I betake myself to, that I might get the time fhuffled over. Pfalm. l. 17. 18. 21. Thus I hated inftruction, and caft God's word behind my back. When thou faweft a thief thou confentedft with him, and haft been partaker with adulterers. These things haft thou done, andI kept filence, and thoughteft that I was altogether fuch a one as thyself.

9. Thus I fpent the winter. In the fpring 1687, my mother fearing that I might be enfiared with the company I was now amongft, came home for me, as minding the wife man's obfervation. Prov 29. 15. The rod and reproof give wisdom: But a child left to himfelf bringeth his mother to Shame. Rom i, 30, 2 Tim. iii. 3. But fo great was my wickedness, that

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