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in fpight of natural affection, I was grieved at her return, and when first I heard her voice, it damp'd me, I cared not to fee her. Nothing I difliked more, than a godly and affectionate mother's converse. I feared to be queftioned as to bygones. I feared the would carry me away back to Holland, whereby I would be put under uneafy restraints from my finful liberty. Jer. ii, 25. But thou faidt, There is no hope. No for I have loved ftrangers, and after them will I go.

10. In the spring, or towards fummer, my mother carried me with her much against my will: And put me to school there at Erasmus's school. I stayed but 'fhort while there. But the advantageous method of teaching took with me; I began to delight in learning, and quickly turned proud of my fuccefs. But otherwife, lived as I had done before, ftill worfe and worfe under all the means God made ufe of to bring me near, and keep me clofs to him. Jer xiii. 1 1. As the girdle cleaveth to the loines of a man ifo have I 'cauled to cleave unto me the whole houfe of Ifrael, and the whole houfe of Judah; that they might be unto me for a people, and for a name, and for a praife, and for a glory: But they would not hear.

CHA P. II.

Containing an account of the revival of convictions, their effects, progress, iffues and interuptions from the close of 1687, to 1690, or 1691, when I went from Perth to stay at Edinburgh.

i. N the month of February 1687, king James emitted his proclamations for indulgence. whereon most of those who had fled, ventured home; and my mother amongst others, toward August or September, that year. It had been for my advantage probably,for my education to have stayed here, which

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made me unwilling to return. In our return we were in imminent danger of fhip wreck on the fears of England, but by the mercy of God efcaped. The danger was fudden, and fuddenly over and fo left little or no impreffion on me. When we came home we fixed at Perth, and abode there till harvest 1690, or 1691, I cannot be positive which. What was my cafe as to my foul concerns during this time, fo far as I remember, I fhall here narrate.

2. Presently upon our fettlement in this place, I was entered to school: and made fome better proficiency than before. But as to religion I continued as inconcerned as ever, as intent upon fin, as averfe to duty as formerly. However I carried under my mother's eye, when I was among my comrades I took my liberty, and went with them into all follies and extravagancies they went into, but with this aggravation above most of them, that what I did I knew to be a fault very often, whereas they, at least many of them, did not. Yea, not only went I along with them, but was foremost, and enticed others to folly. Yet ftill through the mercy of God kept from openly fcandalous evils, fave once, that I mind, with some other boys I was feized in a garden, taking some fruit. Whereof I was much afhamed, and never attempted the like again, not from any real diflike of the fin, but fears of a difcovery. And this I continued till toward the close of king James his reign, when fears of a maffacre or fome fudden ftroak from the papifts, whereof then there was a great noife every where, revived my concern about religion. Pfalm lxxviii. 34. 35. But when he flew them, than they fought him: and they returned and enquired early after God. And they remembred that God was their rock, and the high God their Redeemer.

3. This concern being fome deeper, and the effects of it more remarkable and lafting, I fhall endeavour a distinct account of it. About this time, the Lord,

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by the means I lived under, the preaching of the word, catechizing in public and private, enlightned my mind further in the notional knowlege of the law and gofpel. My capacity growing with my years, and knowlege of what was fin and what was duty, and what the fearful confequences of fin were and the advantage of duty, increafing; fin was left open and naked without the excufe ofignorance,and confcience had a further advantage, being arm'd with more knowlege and better inform'd; hereon its checks, when now by the Lord's providences it was in fome measure awakned, were more frequent,and fharp, and not so easily to be evaded: John xv. 22. If I had not 'come and spoken to them, they had had no fin, but now they have no cloke for their fin.'

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4. Some touches of fickness riveted on me the impreffions of mortality and frality, and the tendency of each of thofe numerous train of difeafes, by which we are daily expos'd to death: Hereon I was brought into and kept under continual Bondage through 'fears of death. Heb ii, 15.

5. But that which above all affected me most deeply, and gave an edge to convictions, was the continual fears we were, in of being fuddenly deftroy'd by the papifts: This keept death in its moft terrible fhape ever in mine eyes and thoughts: And to my great terror, I saw wrath and judgment following it, The finners in Zion are afraid, fearfulness hath furprized the hypocrites: Who amongst us fhall dwell with devouring fire? Who amongst us fhall dwell with everlasting burnings? Ja. xxxiii. 14,'

6. Herein I was caft into grievous difquietment, Pfalm xiii. 2. I took counfel in my foul, having forrow in my heart daily.' I was in a dreadful ftrait betwixt two. On the one hand, my convictions of fin were fharp, fears of a prefent death and judgment quickned them,this made me attend more to the word, the more I attended to it, they increas'd the more

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and I was daily perfwaded, more and more that their was no way to be rid of them, but by turning religious. On the other hand, if I fhould engage in carnest with religion, then I faw the hazard of fuffering for it, and wift not but I might be call'd immediately to die for it; and this I could not think of doing.: Betwixt the two I was dreadfully toffed in my own mind; fome nights fleep went from mine eyes, and I was full of trouble. I fet imagination a work, and did fometimes ftrongly imprefs myself with the fancy of an Irish cut throat holding a dagger to my breaft, and offering me these terms, Quit your religion, turn papist, and you fhall live: Hold it, and you are dead. The imagination was fometimes fo ftrong, that I have fainted almoft with it, and still I was dreadfully unrefolved what to do: Sometimes I would let him give the fatal ftroke. But hereon my fpirits fhrunk, and my heart fail'd at the apprehenfion of death: At other times I refolved to quit my religion, but with refolution to take it up again when the danger was over: But here I could get no reft. What thought I, if the treacherous enemy deftroy me after I have done it, and fo I lose both life and religion? And what if I die before the danger is over, and fo time be not allow'd me to repent? Hof. vii. 11. Ephraim is as a filly dove without a heart; they call to Egypt and they go to Affyria.

7. This fort of exercise frequently recurr'd, and I continued this way at times, ever till after the battle of Gillechrankie, which was fought July 27th, 1689 It had fome interuptions, and then I was remifs as before, but for near a year, few weeks, and frequently few days or nights paffed over me without fome fuch exercife: But the fears of the Papifts being quickly over, my remaining difficulty was only with my convictions. Now as to thefe I endeavoured to relieve myfelf, 1. By promifes of abftaining from thofe fins which most directly crofs'd my light, and for which

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I was moft plainly challeng'd. Exod. ix. 28 And Pharaoh called for Mofes and Aaron, and faid, intreat the Lord for me, and I will let the people go. 2. I took fanctuary in refolutions of enquiring into the Lord's Mind and complying. But when I confulted any practical book, or the miniftry of the word, and found them not give fuch directions as agreed with my unrenewed heart, I was grieved and ftuck there: Matth. xix. 16, 21, 22, And behold, one 'came to him, and faid unto him, good Mafter, whar good thing fhall I do that I many have eternal life.Jefus faid unto him, If thou wilt be per'fect, go and fell that thou haft, and give to the poor, and thou fhalt have treasure in heaven? And come and follow me. But when the young man 'heard that faying, he went away forrowful: For he ' had great poffeffions.' 3. I thought to find peace in a more careful attendance upon duties: Rom y. 3,4. Thus being ignorant of God's righteoufiefs, and going about to eftablish mine own righteoufnefs, I fubmitted not myfelf unto the righteoufnefs of God, (nor fhewed I any regard to Chrift,) who ' is the end of the law for righteoufnefs, to every one that believeth.'

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8. Though my, foolish heart run to thofe courfes, yet really they afforded no folid repofe; for, 1. The firft fin against light, and the firft omiffion of duty, which very fpeedily enfued upon the intermiffion of the force that prefent conviction put on me, fhook all. And I was confounded at the thoughts of appearing before God in a righteoufnefs fo plainly ragged, that where it had one piece, wanted two, Ifa. lxiv. 6. 2. Though thefe ways gave fome cafe where trials were at a distance; yet when the thoughts of death came near, I found not quiet here: This was not gold tried in the fire, nor would it abide fo much as 2 near-hand view of a trial: But at the very appearance of a ftorm, this fandy foundation fhook, Matth

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