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vii. 27. 3. Whenever convictions were awakened as to new fins, challenges for old ones recurr'd, which fhew'd that the cure was not perfect. * Ifa. 1. 11. Behold all ye that kindle a fire, that compafs yourfelves about with sparks: Walk in the light of your fire, and in the fparksthat ye have kindled: This fhall ye have of mine hand, ye fhall ly down " in forrow.'

9. The effects of this exercife that abode and increas'd afterwards, were principally thefe three. 1. Hereby I was brought into a doubt about truths of religion, the being of a God and things eternal; This hesitation was not from any argument that offered themselves against these truths; or from any fufpicion of minifters, parents, or others from whom I had received them: But merely from this, That whenever in danger or ftraits, I would build on them a fufpicion fecretly haunted me, What if the things are not? Whence I was brought to think, that I had not certainty and evidences about them anfwerable to the weight that was to be laid on them. I thought death, and the trouble attending it, were certain and fenfible things: But I could not get my mind fo fatisfied, and fully affured upon the truths of religion. Still when under apprehenfions of death, I would have taken reft upon the truths of religion, the perfwafion fail'd me, and my mind begun to waver; though I could give no reafon of this. Prov. iv. 19. The of the wicked is as darkness: They know not at what they ftumble.' 2. I was hereby perfwaded, and this perfwasion ever after increas'd in strength, that I could never have peace till I came to another fort of evidence and certainty about the truths of religion, than I was yet acquainted withal: Death I faw inevitable, it might be very fudden, I was capable of being

way

*Confider Heb. x. 2, 3. Where confcience of fin remains after the use of means, it argues their weakness,

being imprefs'd with the fore thoughts of it, and could not banish them. Therefor concluded I, unless I obtain fuch a conviction of religion, and fuch an intereft in it, as will make me not only look at death without fear, but go through it with comfort, 'better 'for me I had never been:' But how or where this was to be obtain'd, I was utterly uncertain. Here I lay in great perplexity under the melancholly impreffions that I had hitherto spent my money for that which is not bread, and my labour for that which profiteth not.' Ifa. lv. 2. 3. This perplexity was fomewhat eas'd, while one day or other reading in the clofe of the fulfiling of the fcriptures, how Mr. Robert Bruce was fhaken about the being of a God, and how at length he came to fulleft fatisfaction; hereby a hope fecretly fprung up, That one time or other, in one way or other the like might befal me, and that the Lord might satisfie me in this: Here was the dawning of a light that though long it did not fully clear up, yet was never put wholly out again; though it was far from fatisfying, yet it kept from despair as to the issue :--- -Mark viii. 23. And he took the blind man by the hand and led him out of the town; and when he had fpit on his eyes, and put his hands on him, he asked him if he faw ought. And he looked up and said, I fee men as trees walking:' But all this notwithstanding, the vail ftill remained untaken away.' 2 Cor. iii. 14, 15.

10. About this time, one Mr. Donald on a reverend old minifter, preached at Perth, and came to vifit my mother; called for me, and among other questions, he asked me if I fought a bleffing on my learning. To which I ingenuously answered, No. He replied with an auftere look, "firrah, unfanctified learning " has done much mischief to the kirk of God.” This faying stuck with me ever after, and left a deep impreffion on me; fo that when ever I was any way Atraitned, I applied to God by prayer for help in my

learn

Part II. learning, and pardon for not feeking his bleffing, But this was only when more than ordinarly difficulted.

But as to the main, all this exercise left me where I was before, affar off from God, and an enemy to him in my mind, which I evidenced by wicked works. Col, i. 21.

<

CHA P. III.

Giving an account of the increase of my convictions, during my (tay at Edinburgh, from harvest 1690, or 1691, till May 1693, and the vain refuges I betook myself to for relief.

I

MY

Y mother defigning to have me well educated for the advantage of better schools, in har veft1690, or 1691, did remove to Edinburgh,and fixed me at Mr. Gavin Weir's fchool, where I ftayed (fave only for the fpace of fome months that I abode in Carlop's family, and learn'd with his children and fome others,under one who had been an under teacher to Mr. Weir, and after his removal, taught a few privately) till November 1692, when I entered to the college under Mr. Alexander Cuningham. Here it was my mercy that I fell in with fober comrades, and bookishly inclined. But this is not my design to narrate; and therefore I proceed to obferve the fteps of the Lord's work with me as to my foul.

2. While I abode here, the Lord gave not over his dealings with me. Acts xiii. 18. About the time. " of forty years, fuffered he their manners in the wil'dernefs.' Long alfo did he bear with my manners. In this place the work went on. For, 17, as knowlege increased, fo convictions, if not in force, yet in number increased, ftill as knowledge of the law grew, which it daily did under the means of knowlege of fin alfo grew: For by the law is the knowlege

grace,

the

'knowlege of fin. Rom vii 7.' The Lord daily let me fee, that he was wroth on account of fins that formerly I had not noticed. P/alm 1. 21 These things 'thou hast done,and I keept filence: Thou thoughtest "I was fuch an one as thyfelf: But I will reprove thee, and fet thy fins in order before thee.' 2dly, By new afflictions, the impreffions of my mortality were riveted. and I was still the further in bondage through the growing fears of death. Heb ii. 15. 3dly, The word being daily preach'd, and daily meeting with me, forced me, tho' unwilling, to make fome enquiry into my fincerity in religion, which I now made fome profeffion of. A clofs word, will, at length even bring a Judas to fay, Mafter is it 1. Matth xxvi. 20,21, 22, 23. 4thly, By the means of grace, Herodlike, to fave fome bofom idols, engaged me, Mark vi. 20. to do many things and hear the word gladly.' 3. The means whereby these effects were wrought, were, ift, The preaching of the word. Rev. i. 16. By the two-edged fword that goes out of his Mouth,' the Lord did oft wound me, and the fecrets of my heart were made manifeft. I found the word a dif⚫ cerner of the thoughts of the heart and its intents.' 1 Cor. xiv. 25. Heb. iv. 12. 2dly, The Lord made ufe of the rod. He laid his hand on me. When I was well and in health, the word did not affect fo much, nor did I attend to it fo carefully. Jer. xxii. 21. 'I spake unto thee in thy profperity, and thou wouldest not hear: This has been thy manner from thy youth, that thou obeyedft not the voice of the Lord

-Hof v 15. In their affliction they will feek me early Job xxxvi. 8. 9. If they be bound in fetters, and be holden in cords of affliction: Then he fheweth unto them their work, and their tranfgreffions that they have exceeded.' 3dly, I read Shepherd's treatife, called, The fincere convert, which galled me, and cut me to the quick; it came very clofs home to G

me,

34 me, and affected me very much, and put me to question deeply my fincerity,

1

4 By these means I was driven fometimes to great extremity, and carried the length of a form of religion. I prayed not only evening and morning, but at fome other times retired, and would weep plentifully in fecret, and read, and pray,and refolve to live otherwife than I had done. But this goodness was as the morning cloud, and early dew. Hof. vi 4. It keept pace with my convictions. It was force,not nature; and this ftrictnels lafted no longer than the force that occafion'd it did. And Joash did that which was right in the fight of the Lord, all the days of Jehoiada the Prieft. But Jehoiada waxed old and died. 2 Chron. xxiv. 2. 15. 17, 18. Now after the death of Jehoiada, came the princes of Judah and made obeilance to the king and the king hearkned unto them. And they left the house of the Lord God of their fathers and ferved Groves and idols.

5. While I was under thefe diftreffes,many a wicked thift did I betake myfelf unto for relief, though without effect Hof. v. 13. When Ephraim faw his fickness and Judah faw his wound, then went Ephraim to the Affyrian, and fent unto king Jareb, yet could he not heal you, nor cure you of your wound.' When fearching marks were offered from the word, which tended to discover my naughtiness or when I read them in books, 1ft, If any thing was fpoken or mentioned, that did in appearance make for me, than I greedily gripped to that: For I was very unwilling to fee my owr hypocrifie ; and therefor, if I had but a fhew to found my claim, I laid hold on what was offered, like the young man, when Chrift fpoke of keeping the comandments, he anfwered being unaquainted with the fpiritual extent of the law, Matth. xix. 20. All these things have I kept from my youth, what lack I yet?' So fald I. 2dly, When I found fomewhat required that I neither

had