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"the Lord be pleafed with thousands of rams, or with ten thousands of rivers of oil? Shall I give my firft born for my tranfgreffion, the fruit of my body for the fin of my foul?

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8 But ftill thefe vain refuges fail'd me,and my cafe was truly miferable while purfuing them. a. xxx. 1, 2, 3. Wo to the rebellious children, faith the < Lord, that take counsel, but not of me: And that cover with a covering, but not of my spirit, that they may add fin to fin: That walk to go down to Egypt, and have not asked at my mouth,to strengthen themselves in the strength of Pharaoh, and to 'truft in the fhadow of Egypt. Therefore fhall the ftrength of Pharach be your fhame, and the fhaddow of Egypt your confufion.' Now, as I was really miferable in following thofe courfes, fo, if the Lord of infinite mercy had not prevented it, I had landed in one of four fad iffues, wherein oft-times fuch exercifes and courfes teminate; Either, 1. IfI had been freed from convictions, or the Lord had given over his ftriving with me, and carrying on the work of conviction; after convictions had carried me the length of a form of religion, I had furely notwith ftandiing all the difapointments, fitten down fa◄ tisfied with that, as having found the life of my hand, or having by the endeavours of my hand and its labour obtained that which would give me a fort of life. Ifa lvii. 10. Thou art wearied in the greatness of thy way, yet faidft thou not, There is no hope : 'Thou haft found the life of thine hand (that is a fort of life by thy labour) therefore thou was not grieved.' Or, 2. if convictions had been carried on, and the Lord had left me ftill to follow thofe courses I took, I would have Hab. ii. 13. laboured in the fire all my days, wearied and vexed myself for very va. nity, Ifa. Iv. 2. fpending my money for that which is not bread and my labour for that which doth not profit; in a continual viciffitude of vows, cov

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nants, engagements, and refolutions, breaches and difquitements, engagements and falfe peace, breathes and racking convictions would alternatively have taken place; And thus I had spent my days, and

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at the end been a fool. Jer. xvii. 11. Or, 3. After I had wearied myself for a while in those vain ways, I would have utterly given up with religion as a vain thing, and faid, with those mentioned by the prophet, who faid, It is vain to serve God; and what profit is it that we have kept his ordinances, and that ¿ we have walked mournfully before the Lord of Hofts?' Mal. iii. 14. And fo with them I had gone over to plain atheifin and profanity. Or, 4. Being forced to feek fhelter for my convictions; and being fo oft and fadly difappointed by all the ways I tried, I had at last ended in despair, like Judas, and faid, 2 Kings vi. 33. This evil is of the Lord, why wait I any longer, like that wicked king? And in very deed I had fome experience of all thefe iffues. Sometimes I fat down with the form, Rev. iii. 17. and judged I was rich and increased in goods, and ftood in need of nothing. Sometimes I wearied myself in running from one of those vain courfes to another. At other feafons I turn'd carelefs, as finding no profit, and was just at throwing up all care of religion. And very oft I was upon the very brink of defpair, almoft quite diftracted.

9. When I was thus difapointed,especially after the making, and frequent repeating of vows and engage. menis, I was caft into the utmoft perplexity to find where the fault lay. I found this way of covenanting with God, recommended by minifters, mentioned in the fcripture, and the people of God declared they had found the benefit of it. I could not challenge my felf, at least at some times, for known guile in the making of it. What I engag'd to do,I was refolv'd upon at the time. I did engage with much concern and folemnity; and for fome time after, I would have

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walked with much ftrictnefs: But tho' I could not then difcern where the blame lay, I have fince been made to fee it. I. 'Being ignorant of the righteouf'nefs of God I still went about to establish a righte'oufnefs of my own.' Rom. x. 3. And tho' in words I renounced this, yet indeed I fought righteousness and peace, not in the Lord Jefus Chrift, who is the end of the law for righteousness to every one that believes, Rom. x. 4. but in my own covenants and engagements. So that I really put them in Christ's room. 2. Whatever room I, in words, allowed Christ as to forgiveness for bygones, yet my peace and hope of it for the future, and fo my truft, was in the evennefs of my own walk. I obtained not righteousness, because I fought it as it were by the works of the law. Rom ix. 32. This neglect of Christ, and shuffling my own covenants and obedience in his room, was evident; because whenever I was challenged for fin, inftead of recourfe to his blood, I ftill fought peace only in renewing my vows. 3. The confent I gave to the law, was not from the reconcilement of my heart to its holiness, but meerly, in compliance with the constraint put upon me by my convictions. But in very deed Rom. viii. 7. the enmity again(t it ftill continued. And I would not have made it my choice, if that had not forced me to it; fo that I fubjected not myfelf to it. 4. 1 engaged to live a new life with an old heart, not being yet made to fee, that unless the tree is made good the fruit cannot be good. Mat, xii. 33.5thly, The eye was not fingle, Mat xix. 16, vi, 22. all I aimed at was felf, to be eafed of convictions, and obtain peace from thefe racking difquitements I was under. I had not the leaft concern for the Lords glory, provided I were fafe. 6. In a word, I engaged before the Lord had throughly engaged me. We may be willing in fome fort before the Lord hath made us truly willing. John iv. 10. The first real kindness legins on his fide; and we are never engaged to love.

till the Lord's kindness do draw us. The force of a ftrait by convictions may overpower us into fome pretenfions of kindness; thus it was with me. Willing I was to be faved from hell, and to have heaven, under the general notion of a good place; but not to be faved in God's way, on his terms and in order to thefe ends he proposes in the falvation of finners.

10. This was not my only trouble at this time. Now I was engag'd in the study of Metaphyficks and natural Theology, accustomed to fubtile notions, and tickled with them; whereupon Satan, in conjunction with the natural Atheism of my heart, took occafion to caft me into racking difquietment about the great truths of religion, more especially the being of a God. Thus, in the juftice of God, that wherein I delighted, I mean fubtile and abstract notions, prov'd the occafion of much perplexing difficulty to me. For, 1. Some feming fuccefs in my ftudies, the first year I engag'd in the study of Philofophy foftered the natural conceit we all have of our own ability to know, and emboldned me to proceed further than was meet. So true is that of the word, I Cor. viii. 1. Knowlege puffeth up. 2. Hereon the natural curiofity of my vain mind took a liberty to enquire without fear into things too high, and made me promife myfelf fatisfaction about them, in and by my own enquiries; Job xi. 12. Vain men would be wife, though he is like the wild afs's colt. Thus he intrudes into thofe things which he hath not feen, Col. ii. 18. vainly puft up by his fleshly mind. 3. And hereon fuffering a difappointment, and failing of fuccefs, the natural atheifm, and enmity of my carnal mind, that rather inclines to reject the things of God than our own darkness, begun when puzzled to enquire, How can these things be? John iii. 9. Thus, Rom i. 2. profeƒfing myself wife I became a fool. 4 Satan that waits all advantages finding me thus caught in the thick. et, plunged me deeper, by throwing in the Eph vi.

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16, fiery darts of fubtil arguings against the being of a God, whereby all was fet on a flame, and I fometimes caft into violent convulfions.

II. This exercife about the being of God was much more difquieting than that formerly mentioned; Then, there was only an unfettlednefs of mind proceeding from the felt want of evidence fufficient to quiet the mind, in that affurance of the truth that was neceffary to embolden it without fear in all its ftraits to have recourse to, and take reft in God. Now, there were contrary difquieting arguments: Then I was only at that of the difciples, John xiv. 8, Lord, fhew us the Father, and it fufficeth us. But now I was disturbed with the working of the Ruler of darkness, Eph. vi. 12. and high imaginations exalting themfelves against God. 2 Cor. x. 5.

12. Though the Atheism and enmity of my heart against God were ftill unremoved, and great, yet the Lord fuffered me not to yield, but made me dread and recoil at the terrible conclufion aim'd at by thofe arguings. For, 1. There remain'd fo much of that natural knowlege of a diety which God hath made manifest even in the Heathens, that is in their confciences, Rom. i. 19. and there was fo much of ftrength added to it by the external evidence of this truth by the works of creation and providence,as made me recoil at the thoughts of that horrible conclufion of the Atheist, There is no God. 2. Being at the fame time deeply affected with deep apprehenfions of the shortness and uncertainty of a prefent life, I dreaded to admit the conclufion that I faw would shake the foundations of any hope of relief for the future from the other fide of time. Pfalm xi. 3. If the foundations be deftroyed, what hath the righteous done?

13. In this ftrait, betwixt light that would not admit of a flat denial of the being of a God, and Atheifm enflamed and ftrengthned by Satan's fiery darts, I betook my felf ftill to vain and felfish courfes. Ꭰ

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