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his purpose, urged upon the mean thoughts of myfelf, and preffed to a baftard fort of humility: He often whispered me in the ear, 'Tis vain for you to expect to ride yourselves of thefe difficulties, when fo many learned men, who have ftudied the point with so much care, and who were far more capable to difcern the truth, cannot reach fatisfaction, but have rejected them, John vii. 48, 49. Have any of the rulers or the Pharifees believed on him? But 'this people who knoweth not the law, are cursed.

9. By this I was brought into grievous perplexity, and many fad toffings. Pfalm xlii: 3. My tears have been my meat day and night, while they continually Jay unto me, Where is thy God? But ftill I tried wrong courfes, 1. I attempted by my own reafonings to relieve myself. Pfalm lxxiii. 6. I thought to know this. 2. When this fail'd, I bought, I read books written about the truth of religion: Job viii. 8,9, &c. This indeed, had it been kept in its own place, was allowable and useful: Ecclef. xii. 12. But I expected more than I had reafon to look for, and as I used it, this was only the fruit of unbelief, and a vain courfe running to Afhur, fending to Egypt, 3. I wish'd for vilions, voices or fome extraordinary courfe: Luke xvi. 30. Nay, but if one rife from the dead they will believe. 4. When these fail'd, with the fluggard I kat down difcouraged. Ecclef. iv. 5. The foal foldeth his hands together, and eateth his own flesh. 5. I fometimes betook myfelt to prayer; but herein I defiderated fuccefs, not feeking in the right way, nor to right ends. James.iv. 3.

10. But all these ways fail'd me, Ecclef. vii. 23, 24. I took counfel in my foul, having forrow in my heart daily. I faid, I will be wife but it was far from me. That which is far off and exceeding deep, who can find it out? 1. As to my own reafonings, they avail not against him who efteems iron as ftraw, and brass as rotten wood. Pfalm Ixxijį. 16. When I thought

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to know it, it was two painful: It was labour in mine eyes. 2. As for books, befides they satisfied not as to these things they mention'd, many of my fcruples were fuch as were overlook'd by them, fo they prov'd phyficians of no value. Job vi. 25. 'How profitable are right words! But what doth your arguing reprove? 3. As to extraordinary expectations, God juftly rejected them. Luke xvi. 31. They have Mofes and the prophets, and if they will not ⚫ believe them, neither would they believe tho' one fhould rife from the dead.' 4. My floth ftill increased my trouble; that foolish poring fretted my fpirit, flew me: Prov. xxi. 25. The defire of the fluggard killeth him, because his hands refufe to work.'

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II. I had quite funk under the weight of this trouble, and been fwallowed up of forrow, and landed in defpair, if its force had not been fomewhat abated by occafional confiderations that were by the good hand of God, fometimes one way, fometimes another brought to my mind: 1. When the hellish conclufions at which all thefe temptations aimed, the renouncing of religion, rejecting the Scriptures, c. were urged; it was oft feasonably fuggested, John vi. 68. To whom shall we go? Thou hast the words of eternal life.' The Lord powerfully convinc'd, and kept the conviction ftrong on my mind, that at what time I parted with revelation, I behov'd to give up with all prospect of certainty or fatisfaction about eternal life. What Deifts told me of the demonftrations of a future happiness built only upon nature's light, had no weight with me, because I had tried thofe long ago, and found them to my apprehenfion inconcludent; and had they been concludent, I was never a whit the nearer fatisfaction; to tell me of fuch a state without any account of its nature, or the terms whereon 'tis attainable, was all one as if nothing had been faid about it: This creat

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ed still a dread of the conclufion in my mind; and fill when I was follicited to quit the Scriptures, I returned, To whom fhall I go to find the words of 'eternal life?' 2 Upon a due obfervation of those who were truly religious, I could not but look on them (tho' their real worth I did not yet difcern) as the better part of mankind; and the Lord created a dread in my foul of conclufions that imported the charge of a lie in a matter of the greatest importance against the better part of mankind: Pfalm 1xxiii. 15. If I fhould speak thus, I would offend against the generation of thy children.'`3. The Lord opened mine eyes to see the remarkable folly of thofe who abandoned revealed religion: Not to mention the impious lives of the generality, I saw the fobberer fort guilty of unaccountable folly. The fcripture tells them plainly, That if they have a mind to be fatisfied as to the truth of its pretenfions, they must walk in the way of its precepts to find it: John vii. 17. If any man will do his Will, he fhall know this 'doctrine if it is of God, or if I fpeak of myself." But they walk in a direct contradiction to its precepts, and yet complain of the want of evidence, while they refuse to try that way wherein only it is to be found. Again, fome fobber and learned, and otherwife inquifitive perfons own, That if we are * either cut off from hopes, or left to uncertainty about a future ftate of happiness, we are miferable: And that they themselves are yet uncertain. While after all this has been by them confeffed, and by fome to myself, I saw them either at little or no pains to be fatisfied: Prov, xiv. 6. • The fcorner feeketh wifdom and findeth it not;' yea, I found this fort of perfons much more eager in fearching after what might ftrengthen their doubts,than what might fatiffy them: This fmelled rank of a hatred of light. Now I thought it was not fafe to follow thofe whom I faw fo evidently foolish, and who did so plainly

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proclaim their own folly: Prov, xxviii. 5. ́ Evil

men understand not judgment: But they that seek 'the Lord understand all things.' This had that weight with me, that I now ceas'd to wonder that fuch were unfatisfied about the truth of religion, and that there was no ground of doubting its truth, because they are unfatisfied. 4. The fhining evidence of the power of religion in the lives, but more efpecially in the deaths of the Martyrs, of whom I had formerly read oft, stay'd me as to this, That there is a reality in religion, when I was beat from all other holds: Heb. xi. 33. They were tortured, not ac⚫cepting deliverance, that they might obtain a bet

ter refurrection.' Here I was behov'd to own the finger of God, especially when I confidered their numbers,their quality, and all circumstances. 5. The known inftances of the power of religion in children in their tender years, was of great ufe fometimes, and appeared of great weight: it check d the force of temptations that drove me to doubt of the reality of religion; Psalm viii. 2. Thus out of the mouth of

babes and fucklings the Lord ordained strength, and in fome measure ftilled the enemy and the avenger.' 6. The fenfible and violent oppofition I found Satan making to the Scriptures in all the fore mentioned way, was oft ftaying,and perfwaded me in fome meafure, that there behov'd to be a reality in religion, and I could not see what could induce him thus to oppofe it, if it were a cheat; Matth. xii. 26. Is Satan divided? 7. I got frequent touches in a way of conviction; Heb. iv. 12. and thus finding the power and piercing virtue of the word making manifeft the fecerts of my heart, I was forced to fall down and own God to be in it of a truth.' I Cor. xiv. 25. 8. Satan fometimes departed and left me for a feaJon; Luke iv. 13. and then I had fome intermission of my fore trouble. 9. I found a fecret hope begot and cherished, I could not tell how; at fome feafons,

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even amidst the violence of temptations, that I fhould be fatisfied, and that I fhould yet have good caufe to praise God;' Pfalm xlii. 5, 8, 11. and that what I knew not now, I fhould know hereafter, John xiii, 7. which was ftrengthned by the confideration of what others had meet with, who had been tryfted with temptations that were fome way like mine: Albeit, I doubted, if ever in all refpects any had been fo molefted, as I, and if there was any forrow like unto mine. Lam. i. 12. Yea, fometime I was made to hope that Satan's raging forboded that his time was but fhort. Rev. xii. 12.

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12. As by these and the like means, the force of the temptation was fomewhat broken, so I was encouraged to feveral things which I have reafon to own God was kind to me, in holding me to them. 1. Hereby I was engaged to hold on in an attendance, with more concern in duties of religion, publick, private and fecret; and fo to wait at wifdom's door-post,. Prov. viii. 34. which afterwards I found the advantage of. 2. Hereby I was enabled to conceal all my own ftraits from others, who thereby might either have been stumbled or hardned in their evil way: I was unwilling others fhould know any thing that might difguft them at religion: 2 Sam, i. 22. Tell it not in Gath,-left the daughters of the uncircumcifed triumph. In converfe with fuch as were fhaken, I ftill endeavoured to ftand for the truth, as if I had been under no doubt about it; and I must own, That while I did fo, the Lord often countenanced me, and fatisfied me as to what I had formerly been difquieted about: How good a Mafter is God! A word ipoken for him is not loft; nor will he fuffer the leaft fervice to pass unrewarded: A Heathen Cyrus must have his hire; and fo must Nebuchadnezzer. Ezek. xxix. 19.2

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Before I leave this, I muft obferve fome things which the Lord taught me by this exerçife. 1. I E 3 hereby

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