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tress was before, it still composed all, commanded a calm, answered challenges, and gave me boldness and access to God with good hope, as to all other things through grace ; 2 Thef. ii. 16, then I rejoiced in Christ Jesus, Rom, V. 2. Phil, iii, 3. and nothing else was able to disturb me while this view lasted. 5. When ever I was wrong, yet I still rested fatisfied, Thạr a discovery of the Lord in his own light would set all right again : And therefor I was ever at that, @that I knew where I might find him. Job xxiii. 3.' I knew, though he might make sin bitter, yet a manifestation of him would put strength in me, Job xxiii. 6. . as formerly in sweet experience I had found. 6. I was then only pleased, and could never approve myfelf; but when I found my soul in some measure moulded into a compliance with the design of the gospel, Rom. vi. 17. emptied of self, subjected to the Lord, and careful to have him alone exalted. .
8. The next remarkable effect of this discovery was, That it set me right as to my chief end in some measure, and made me look to the glory of God, which formerly I had still in all the courses I took for my own eafe, no real concern for. Now mine eye was made in some measure single, Matth. vi. 22. in eying the Lord's honour, which in this light was seen to be consistent with my own happines; and my regard to this, wherein that evangelical self-denial, which the Lord every where calls for, consists, discovered itself amidst all the strugglings which I afterward found of that detestable idol felf, for obtaining its former room; 1. It manifested itself in frequent desires, that the Lord alone might be exalted and glorified in my life or by my death, Phil. i, 20, 2. It kept my soul fix'd in the persuasion of this, That it was every way meet that I thould take shame and confusion to myself, as what truly and only belonged to me, and that the Glory of my salvation was only and entirely the Lord's due. Dan, ix. 8, 9. 3. In a watchful observation of the
stirrings, and the most secret actings of self, feek. ing to advance itself upon the ruin of the Lord's honour, and to the prejudice of it; and when I was not able to bear it down, I yet still cry'd against it, Not unto us, &c. Psalm cxv, T. Yea, I redoubled my cries in oppolition to its impudent endeavours, 'Not • unto us, Lord, not to us, but to thy name be the ' glory.' 4: I was brought to look upon it as the prin. cipal enemy, on which I was always to havean eye ; Gał ii, 20. and therefore where the least occafion offered, I had at least, when not otherwise out of cafe, still a not. l, ready as a coutionagainst it. I Cor. xv. 10. 2 Cor. x. 5. And, 5, The remaining felt power and activity of this idol, still has been one of my greatest grievances, Rom. vii. 24. 6. I never was satisfied, nor found comfort, Rom. vii.25. but where this idol is discernably at under, and no victory is so refreshing, as what at any time, is in more or less obtained over this. Phil. iii. 8, 9. 7. As the Apostles, 2 Cor. iv. 5, and 6. compared, by the shining of the • Light of the knowlege of the glory of God into their minds, were made to preach not themfelves, but • Christ Jesus the Lord.' So whenever this light fhone, according to the measure of its clearness, and its continuance, the interest of felf was weakned in my soul, and I was made to feek not myself but Christ Jesus the Lord. . ,
9. The evidence of this change was for some time frequently darkned, by which I found, whenever I was again by the prevalency of fin, challenges thence arising, or the Lord's hiding, brought under any fears of my own salvation ; then my thoughts were ingrossed, and as it were wholly and only taken up about my own safety, and my concern for the Lord's glory not then appearing, I was thereby cast under fears that I was altogether selfish; but the Lord at Jength cleared up this case to me. Our minds are weak, they have many concerns, fome whereof they
value more, some less ; they cannot thro' their weakness and limited nature, be intent in their thoughts about all, or even many of them, at once. And therefore when any one, though the least of them, is in hazard, their care must be taken up mainly, and as it were about that only: Luke xv, 4. Even the good Thepherd, tho' really he values the ninety and nine more than the one lost sheep yet when it is lost, hc seems to leave all the rest, and imploy all his thoughts as it were about that : But when all are equally safe, and none of our concerns are in any visible hazard, then is the only proper time to judge what is really uppermost in the soul; that which it then is most fre. quently with, delights molt in, and can least think of parting with, that is uppermost. That which has the heart is the treasure. Matth. vi. 21. And the Lord let me see that my soul was, when all was safe, wholly almost taken up in viewing with delight the manifeft. ations of his glory in the face of Jesus Christ.
10Before I proceed to take notice of any other ef. fects of this discovery, I Mall represent in a few particulars, the pleasant way whereby the Lord carried on this change as to the chief end; I when the Lord came to work this change, I was funk under the weighting sense of this, that I had destroyed myself, Hos. xiii. 9. and deeply concerned to know how I might be saved. ibid. lfa xlv. 24. 2dly, The Lord inade me first look up by a discovery of salvation and help which answered my concern about my own cafea 3. When I looked to this falvation, I found it in him, 4. When by this means I came to see his glory
Shining in the contrivance for my salvation by the ..Juftre of it, I was affected so, that. I begun to value
it above all things, and look an ît as of that importance, that, provided it were secured, all other things, the highest concerns of the creature not excepted, were of fmall moment:, Phili, 20. 'And, 5. Herein views ing theglory of his goodness in ordering it so that the creatures in aiming at his glory should find their own salvation ; this endeared the Lord and his ways exceedingly. Thus the Lord sweetly led me, by a view of help suited to my case, to a discovery of his glory in my salvation, helping me to place things, in some measure, at least in with and design in their own order, and give his glory the preeminency that was its due : But this only by the by. Now I go
11. A third discernible effect of this discovery was, with respect unto the Lord's yoke, his precepts; 2 Cor iii. 18, beholding his glory, I was changed in. to his image, and made to look on his yoke as easie, and his burden as light, Matth xi. 29. and to count that his commandments were not grievious, i John v. 3. but right concerning all things ; Psalm cxix. I 28, This was very far contrary to my former temper. Now the reality of this change appear'd, and. evidenced it self even amidst all temptations, flips, yea, and relapses into the fame sins, several ways; 1:1 now came to a fix'd perswasion, that the law was not only just, such, against which I could make no reason; able exception; but holy, such as became God, and good, Rom vii. 12. such as every way was suited to my true interest, and peace, and advantage, which I could never think before. 2dly, Though I found fin that dwells in me oppofing still, yet I delighted after the inward man in the law, as holy, just, Spiritual and good. Rom vii. 20, 22, 3, I saw the command, ment to be exceeding broad, Pfalm cxix. 96. Spiritunl and extensive, and was delighted with it. Rom. vii. 14. 4. The duties that my heart had the greatest averfion to formerly, were now made easie, pleafant and refreshing Rom viii. 7,8,6. Formerly I could not think spiritual mindedness conld be easy to me or any other : But now when I attain'd it in some measure, for fome time, as first after this discovery I did, I found it life and peace ; and on the
contrary carnal mindedness was as death. 5. I was made to see a peculiar beauty in those laws in particular that cross'd those sins which had the firniest rooting in my temper, and the greatest advantage from my circumstances, and occasional temptations : Psalm xviii. 23. And though all these advantages still con. tinued, and rather grew, yet my heart was so strangely altered, that no sins were so hateful; upon the account of none did I loth myself so much, no fins was I so glad of victory over, or longed I fo much for the
ruin of, or did I cry so much against, or complain fo i frequently of to the Lord,and set myself more against; ; ' my mind was continually engaged in contrivances
for their ruin, which formerly I sought still to have fpared. And if the Lord would have given me it in my choice, to have the laws that cross'd them razed, or to let them stand, he knows I would have thought the law less pleafant, less perfect, if these had been wanting. Phil. iii. 7. Thus what things were gain, I now counted dung,and endeavoured to keep myself from mine iniquity; Plalm xviii. 23. and I could never think mylelf happy till these were pluck'd out, which were before as the right eye. Matth. V. 29, 30. 6. I took delight in others, or in myself, only in so far as there appeard any thing of a self-denied, humble conformity to the law of the Lord, such I counted as
the excellent of the earth ; Psalm xvi. 2, 3. and I . was glad when I got near them in any the meanest
instance. 7. My soul frequently spent itlelf in such breathings after conformity to the law of God, as the cxix. Psalm is fill'd with throughout, Pfalm cxix 5, 20, 33, 112. ' that my ways were directed to keep thy statutes, my heart breaketh through the longa
ing it hath to thy commands at all times, inclinc ' my heart that I may keep them always unto the
cnd,' and the like. 3. This appcar'd further in a fix'd dislike of the least inconformity to the law, either in myself or others, Now, albeit I was not al.