Oh! place me 'midst O'Rourkes, O'Tooles,
The ragged royal-blood of Tara;
Or place me where Dick M-rt-n rules
The houseless wilds of Connemara ;
2 Of Church and State I'll warble still,
Though e'en Dick M-rt-n's self should grumble;
Sweet Church and State, like Jack and Jill,
3 So lovingly upon a hill—
Ah! ne'er like Jack and Jill to tumble !
THE NEW COSTUME OF THE MINISTERS.
nova monstra creavit.-Ovid. Metamorph. lib. i. v. 437.
HAVING sent off the troops to brave Major Camac,
With a swinging horse-tail at each valorous back,
And such helmets, God bless us ! as never deck'd any
Male creature before, except Signor Giovanni-
Let's see,' says the R-g-t (like Titus, perplex'd
With the duties of empire), whom shall I dress next?'
He looks in the glass-but perfection is there,
Wig, whiskers, and chin-tufts all right to a hair ;4
Not a single ex-curl on his forehead he traces-
For curls are like Ministers, strange as the case is,
The falser they are, the more firm in their places.
His coat he next views-but the coat who could doubt ?
For his Y-rm-th's own Frenchified hand cut it out;
Every pucker and seam were made matters of State,
And a grand Household Council was held on each plait !
Then whom shall he dress! shall he new-rig his brother,
Great C-mb-rl-d's Duke, with some kickshaw or other?
And kindly invent him more Christian-like shapes
For his feather-bed neckcloths and pillory-capes?
Jack fell down
And broke his Crown,
And Jill came tumbling after.
4 That model of princes, the Emperor Commodus, was particularly luxurious in the dressing and ornamenting of his hair. His conscience, however, would not suffer him to trust himself with a barber, and he used, accordingly, to burn off his beard-timore tonsoris,' says Lampridius (Hist. August. Scriptor.). The dissolute Ælius Verus, too, was equally attentive to the decora tion of his wig. (See Jul. Capitolin.') Indeed, this was not the only princely trait in the cha racter of Verus, as he had likewise a most hearty and dignified contempt for his wife.-See his insulting answer to her in Spartianus.
Ah! no-here his ardour would meet with delays,
For the Duke had been lately packed up in new stays,
So complete for the winter, he saw very plain
"Twould be devilish hard work to unpack him again!
So, what's to be done?-there's the Ministers, bless 'em!—
As he made the puppets, why shouldn't he dress 'em?
'An excellent thought!--call the tailors-be nimble-
Let Cum bring his spy-glass, and H-rtf-d her thimble;
While Y-rm-th shall give us, in spite of all quizzers,
The last Paris cut with his true Gallic scissors.'
So saying, he calls C-stl-r-gh, and the rest
Of his Heaven-born statesmen, to come and be dress'd.
While Y-rm-th, with snip-like and brisk expedition,
Cuts up, all at once, a large Cath'lic petition
In long tailors' measures (the P- e crying' Well done!')
And first puts in hand my Lord Chancellor Eld—n.
BETWEEN A LADY AND GENTLEMAN, UPON THE ADVANTAGE OF (WHAT IS CALLED) HAVING LAW ON ONE'S SIDE.'
COME, fly to these arms, nor let beauties so bloomy
To one frigid owner be tied;
Your prudes may revile, and your old ones look gloomy,
But, dearest! we've Law on our side.
Oh! think the delight of two lovers congenial,
Whom no dull decorums divide;
Their error how sweet, and their raptures how venial,
When once they've got Law on their side!
'Tis a thing that in every king's reign has been done, too;
Then why should it now be decried?
If the father has done it, why shouldn't the son, too?
For so argues Law on our side!
And, e'en should our sweet violation of duty
By cold-blooded jurors be tried,
They can but bring it in 'a misfortune,' my beauty
As long as we've Law on our side.
Hold, hold, my good sir! go a little more slowly,
For, grant me so faithless a bride,
Such sinners as we are a little too lowly,
To hope to have Law on our side.
Had you been a great prince, to whose star shining o'er 'em
The people should look for their guide,
Then your Highness (and welcome!) might kick down decorum-
You'd always have Law on your side.
Were you e'en an old Marquis, in mischief grown hoary,
Whose heart, though it long ago died
To the pleasures of vice, is alive to its glory-
You still would have Law on your side.
But for you, sir, crim. con. is a path full of troubles;
By my advice therefore abide,
And leave the pursuit to those princes and nobles
Who have such a Law on their side!
FOR THE OPENING OF THE NEW THEATRE OF ST. ST-PH-N, INTENDED TO HAVE BEEN SPOKEN BY THE PROPRIETOR IN FULL COSTUME, ON THE 24TH OF NOVEMBER.
THIS day a New House, for your edification,
We open, most thinking and right-headed nation!
Excuse the materials-though rotten and bad,
They're the best that for money just now could be had;
And, if echo the charm of such houses should be,
You will find it shall echo my speech to a T.
As for actors, we've got the old Company yet,
The same motley, odd, tragi-comical set:
And considering they all were but clerks t'other day,
It is truly surprising how well they can play.
Our manager (he, who in Ulster was nurst,
And sung Erin go Bragh for the galleries first,
But, on finding Pitt-interest a much better thing,
Changed his note of a sudden, to God save the King ;)
Still wise as he's blooming, and fat as he's clever,
Himself and his speeches as lengthy as ever,
Here offers you still the full use of his breath,
Your devoted and long-winded proser till death!
You remember last season, when things went perverse on,
We had to engage (as a block to rehearse on,)
One Mr. V-ns-tt-t, a good sort of person,
Who's also employ'd for this season to play,
In 'Raising the Wind,' and 'The Devil to Pay.'
We expect too-at least we've been plotting and planning-
To get that great actor from Liverpool, C-nn-ng;
And, as at the Circus there's nothing attracts,
Like a good single combat brought in 'twixt the acts,
If the manager should, with the help of Sir P-ph-m,
Get up new diversions, and C-nn-ng should stop 'em,
Who knows but we'll have to announce in the papers,
'Grand fight-second time-with additional capers.'
Be your taste for the ludicrous, humdrum, or sad,
There is plenty of each in this house to be had;
Where our manager ruleth, there weeping will be,
For a dead hand at tragedy always was he;
And there never was dealer in dagger and cup,
Who so smilingly got all his tragedies up,
His powers poor Ireland will never forget,
And the widows of Walcheren weep o'er them yet.
So much for the actors-for secret machinery,
Traps and deceptions, and shifting of scenery,
Y-rm-th and Cum are the best we can find,
To transact all that trickery business behind.
The former's employ'd too to teach us French jigs,
Keep the whiskers in curl, and look after the wigs.
In taking my leave now, I've only to say
A few Seats in the House not as yet sold away,
May be had of the manager, Pat C-stl-r-gh.
Instrumenta regni.-Tacitus.
HERE'S a choice set of Tools for you, gemmen and ladies,
They'll fit you quite handy, whatever your trade is;
(Except it be Cabinet-making--I doubt
In that delicate service they're rather worn out;
Though their owner, bright youth! if he'd had his own will,
Would have bungled away with them joyously still.)
You can see they've been pretty well hack'd-and alack!
What tool is there job after job will not hack?
Their edge is but dullish, it must be confess'd,
And their temper, like E-nb'r-h's none of the best,
But you'll find them good hard-working Tools, upon trying,
Were't but for their brass they are well worth the buying;
They're famous for making blinds, sliders, and screens,
And they're, some of them, excellent turning machines!
The first Tool I'll put up (they call it a Chancellor)
Heavy concern to both purchaser and seller-
Though made of pig iron, yet worthy of note 'tis,
'Tis ready to melt at a half minute's notice.
Who bids? Gentle buyer! 'twill turn as thou shapest -
"Twill make a good thumb-screw to torture a Papist;
Or else a cramp-iron, to stick in the wall
Of some church that old women are fearful will fall;
Or better, perhaps (for I'm guessing at random),
A heavy drag-chain for some lawyer's old Tandem.
Will nobody bid? It is cheap, I am sure, sir-
Once, twice, going, going, thrice, gone !—it is yours, sir.
To pay ready money you shan't be distress'd,
As a bill at long date suits the Chancellor best.
Come, where's the next Tool?-Oh! 'tis here in a trice-
This implement, gemmen, at first wasa Vice
(A tenacious and close sort of Tool that will let
Nothing out of its grasp it once happens to get),
But it since has received a new coating of Tin,
Bright enough for a prince to behold himself in !
Come, what shali we say for it? briskly! bid on,
We'll the sooner get rid of it--going-quite gone!
God be with it, such tools, if not quickly knock'd down,
Might at last cost their owner-how much? why a Crown!
The next Tool I'll set up has hardly had handsel or
Trial as yet, and is also a Chancellor-
Such dull things as these should be sold by the gross ;
Yet, dull as it is, 'twill be found to shave close,
And like other close shavers, some courage to gather,
This blade first began by a flourish on leather!
You shall have it for nothing-then marvel with me
At the terrible tinkering work there must be,
Where a tool such as this is (I'll leave you to judge it)
Is placed by ill luck at the top of the Budget!
LITTLE MAN AND LITTLE SOUL.
A BALLAD TO THE TUNE OF THERE WAS A LITTLE MAN, AND HE WOOED A LITTLE MAID,' DEDICATED TO THE RIGHT HON. CH-RL-S ABB-T.
THERE was a little Man, and he had a little Soul,
And he said, 'Little soul, let us try, try, try,
Whether it's within our reach
To make up a little Speech,
Just between little you and little I, I, I,
Just between little you and little I!'
Then said his little Soul,
Peeping from her little hole,
'I protest, little Man, you are stout, stout, stout,
But, if it's not uncivil,
Pray tell me what the devil
Must our little, little speech be about, bout, bout,
Must our little, little speech be about?
The little Man look'd big,
With th' assistance of his wig,
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