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Call in the Jews, Solomon the court porkraan, Moses the sow-gelder, and Zephanlah the hogbutcher.


They are in waiting, sire.

Enter Solomon, Mosks, and Zkfhaniah.

Out with your knife, old Moses, and spay those sows,
[The Pigs run about tn consternation.
That load the earth with pigs; cut close and deep.
Moral restraint I see has no effect,
Nor prostitution, nor our own example,
Starvation, typhus-fever, war, nor prison—
This was the art which the arch-priest of Famine
Hinted at in his charge to tho Theban clergy—
Cut close and deep, good Moses.


Let your Majesty

Keep the boars quiet, else—


Zephaniah, cut That fat hog's throat, the brute seems overfed; Seditious hunks! to whine for want of grains.


Your sacred Majesty, he has the dropsy ;—
We shall find pints of hydatids in's liver,
He has not half an inch of wholesome fat
Upon his carious ribs—


'Tis all tho same,
Hell serve instead of riot-money, when
Our murmuring troops bivouaque in Thebes'

And January winds, after a day
Of butchering, will make them relish carrion.
Now, Solomon, I'll sell you in a lump
The whole kit of them.


Why, your Majesty, I could not give


Kill them out of the way, That shall bo price enough, and let me hear Their everlasting grunts and whines no more!

[Exeunt, driving in the Swine.

Enter Mammon, the Arch Priett; and Pumanax, Chic/of the Council of Wizards.


The future looks as black as death, a cloud,
Dark as the frown of Hell, hangs over it—
The troops grow mutinous—the revenue fails—
There's something rotten in us—for the level
Of the State slopes, its very bases topple;
The boldest turn their backs upon themselves!


Why what's the matter, my dear fellow, now i
l)o the troops mutiny I—-decimate some regiments;
Does money fail!—come to my mint—coin paper,
Till gold be at a discount, and, ashamed
To show his bilious face, go purge himself,
In emulation of her vestal whiteness.


Oh, would that this were all! The oracle!


Why it was I who spoke that oracle,
And whether I was dead drunk or inspired,
I cannot well remember ; nor, in truth,
The oracle itself!


The words went thus :— "Boeotia, choose reform or civil war! When through the streets, instead of hare with

dogs, A Consort Queen shall hunt a King with hogs, Hiding on the Ionian Minotaur."


Now if the oracle had ne'er foretold
This sad alternative, it must arrive,
Or not, and so it must now that it has;
And whether I was urged by grace divine,
Or Lesbian liquor to declare these words,
Which must, as all words must, be false or true;
It matters not: for the same power made all,
Oracle, wine, and me and you—or none—
'Tis tlie same thing. If you knew as much
Of oracles as I do


You arch-priests Believe in nothing; if you were to dream Of a particular number in the lottery, You would not buy the ticket!


Yet our tickets Are seldom blanks. But what steps have you taken! For prophecies, when once they get abroad, Like liars who tell the truth to serve their ends, Or hypocrites, who, from assuming virtue, Do the same actions that the virtuous do, Contrive their own fulfilment This Iona— Well—you know what the chaste Fasiphae did, Wife to that most religious King of Crete, And still how popular the tale is here; And these dull swine of Thebes boast their descent From the free Minotaur. You know they still Call themselves bulls, though thus degenerate; And everything relating to a bull Is popular and respectable in Thebes: Their arms are seven bulls in a field gules. They think their strength consists in eating beef,— Now there were danger in the precedent If Queen Iona


I have taken good care That shall not be. I struck the crust o' the earth With this enchanted rod, and Hell lay bare! And from a cavern full of ugly shapes, I chose a Leech, a Gadfly, and a Rat. The gadfly was the same which Juno sent To agitate Io,* and which Ezechiclf mentions That the Lord whistled for out of the mountains Of utmost Ethiopia, to torment Mesopotamian Babylon. The beast

* Tho Prometheus Bound of iEscbylus. t And the Lord whistled for the gadfly out of Ethiopia, and for the bee out of Egypt, Sic.Gsbciuiu..

Has a loud trumpet like the Scarabee;

His crooked tail is barbed with many stings,

Each able to make a thousand wounds, and each

Immedicable ; from his convex eyes

He sees fair things in many hideous shapes,

And trumpets all his falsehood to the world.

Like other beetles he is fed on dung—

He has eleven feet with which he crawls,

Trailing a blistering slime ; and this foul beast

Has tracked Iona from the Theban limits,

From isle to isle, from city unto city,

Urging her flight from the far Chersonese

To fabulous Solyma, and the .cEtnean Isle,

Ortygia, Melite, and Calypso's Rock,

And the swart tribes Of Garamant and Fez,

iEolia and Elysium, and thy shores,

Parthenope, which now, alas! are free!

And through the fortunate Saturnian land,

Into the darkness of the West.


But if This Gadfly should drive Iona hither!


Gods! what an if! but there is my grey Rat;
So thin with want, he can crawl in and out
Of any narrow chink and filthy hole,
And he shall creep into her dressing-room,


My dear friend, where are your wits! as if She does not always toast a piece of cheese, And bait the trap 1 and rats, when lean enough To crawl through such chinks


But my Leech—a leech Fit to suck blood, with lubricous round rings, Capaciously expatiative, which make His little body like a red balloon, As full of blood as that of hydrogen, Sucked from men's hearts; insatiably he sucks And clingsand pulls—a horse-leech, whose deep maw The plethoric King Swcllfoot could not fill, And who, till full, will cling for ever.


For Queen Iona might suffice, and less; But 'tis the swinish multitude I fear, And in that fear I have

Done whatl


My eldest son Chrysaor, because he
Attended public meetings, and would alwaj'B
Stand prating there of commerce, public faith,'
Economy, and unadulterate coin,
And other topics, ultra-radical;
And have entailed my estate, called the' Fool's

And funds, in fairy-money, bonds, and bills,
Upon my accomplished daughter Banknotina,
And married her to the Gallows.*

• " If one should marry agatlows, and begot young gibbots, I nover saw one so prone."—Cymbelink.


A good match!

Mammon. A high connexion, Purganax. The bridegroom Ib of a very ancient family

Of Hounslow Heath, Tyburn, and the New Drop,
And has great influence in both Houses;—Oh!
He makes the fondest husband ; nay too fond :—
New-married people should not kiss in public;—
But the poor souls love one another so!
And then my little grandchildren, the Gibbets,
Promising children as you ever saw,—
The young playing at hanging, the elder learning
How to hold radicals. They are well taught too,
For every Gibbet says its catechism,
And reads a select chapter in the Bible
Before it goes to play.

IA mott tremendous humming it I


Ha! what do I hear!
Enter Gadm-y.


Your Gadfly, as it seems, is tired of gadding.


Hum ! hum 1 hum! From the lakes of the Alps, and the cold grey scalps

Of the mountains, I come!

Hum! hum! hum!
From Morocco and Fez, and the high palaces

Of golden Byzantium;
From the temples divine of old Palestine,

From Athens and Rome,

With a ha! and a hum!

I come! I come!

All inn-doors and windows

Were open to me! I saw all that sin does, Which lamps hardly see That burn in the night by the curtained bed,— The impudent lamps ! for they blushed not red. Dinging and singing, From slumber I rung her, Loud as the clank of an ironmonger! Hum 1 hum! hum!

Far, far, far, With thetrump of my lips, and the sting at my hips, I drove her—afar! Far, far, far, From city to city, abandoned of pity, A ship without needle or star;— Homeless she past, like a cloud on the blast, Seeking peace, finding war ;— She is here in her car, From afar, and afar ;— Hum ! hum!

I have stung her and wrung her!

The venom is working ;—
And if you had hung her
With canting and quirking,

She could not be deader than she will be soon;

I have driven her close to you, under the moon.

Night and day, hum! hum! ha! I have hummed her and drummed her From place to place, till at last I have dumbed ber. Hum! hum! hum!


I will suck

Blood or muck!
The disease of the state is a plethory,
Who so fit to reduce it as 11


I'll slily seize and Let blood from her weasand,— Creeping through crevice, and chink, and cranny, With my snaky tail, and my sides so scranny.


Aroint ye ! thou unprofitable worm!

[To the Leech. And thou, dull beetle, get thee back to hell!

[To the Gadfly.
To sting the ghosts of Babylonian kings,
And the ox-headed Io.

Swine (within).
Ugh, ugh, ugh!
Hail ! Iona the divine,
We will be no longer swine,
But bulls with horns and dewlaps.

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Pcrganax (fiercely). Be silent! get to hell! or I will call The cat out of the kitchen. Well, Lord Mammon, This is a pretty business!

[Exit the Rat.

I will go
And spell some scheme to make it ugly then.

Enter Swkllfoot.


She is returned! Taurina is in Thebes
When Swellfoot wishes that she were in hell!
Oh, Hymen ! clothed in yellow jealousy,
And waving o'er the couch of wedded kings
The torch of Discord with its fiery hair;
This is thy work, thou patron saint of queens!
Swellfoot is wived! though parted by the sea,
The very name of wife had conjugal rights;
Her cursed image ate, drank, slept with me,
And in the arms of Adiposa oft

Her memory has received a husband's

[A loud tumult, and cries of " Iona for ever !—No

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Some tawdry lace, and bits of lustre glass,
And their young boars white and red rags, and tails
Of cows, and jay feathers, and sticking cauliflowers
Between the ears of the old ones ; and when
They are persuaded, that by the inherent virtue
Of these things, they are all imperial pigs,
Good Lord! they'd rip each other's bellies up,
Not to say help us in destroying her.


This plan might be tried too ;—where's General Laoctonos 1

Enter Laoctonos and Dakrv.
It is my royal pleasure

That you, Lord General, bring the head and body,
If separate it would please me better, hither
Of Queen Iona.


That pleasure I well knew, And made a charge with those battalions bold, Called, from their dress and grin, the royal apes, Upon the swine, who in a hollow square Enclosed her, and received the first attack Like so many rhinoceroses, and then Retreating in good order, with bare tusks And wrinkled snouts presented to the foe, Bore her in triumph to the public sty. What is still worse, some sows upon the ground Have given the ape-guards apples, nuts, and gin, And they all whisk their tails aloft, and cry, "Long live Iona! down with Swellfoot!"

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Went to the garret of the swineherd's tower,

Which overlooks the sty, and made a long

Harangue (all words) to the assembled swine,

Of delicacy, mercy, judgment, law,

Morals, and precedents, and purity,

Adultery, destitution, and divorce,

Piety, faith, and state necessity,

And how I loved the queen !—and then I wept,

With the pathos of my own eloquence,

And every tear turned to a mill-stone, which

Brained many a gaping pig, and there was made

A slough of blood and brains upon the place,

Greased with the pounded bacon; round and round

The millstones rolled, ploughing the pavement up,

And hurling sucking pigs into the air,

With dust and stones

Enter Mammon.

Mammon. I wonder that grey wizards Like you should be so beardless in their schemes; It had been but a point of policy To keep'Iona and the swine apart. Divide and rule! but ye have made a junction Between two parties who will govern you, But for my art.—Behold this Bag! it is The poison Dag of that Green Spider huge, On which our spies skulked in ovation through The streets of Thebes, when they were paved with dead:

A bane so much the deadlier fills it now,

Aa calumny is worse than death,—for here

The Gadfly's venom, fifty times distilled,

Is mingled with the vomit of the Leech,

In due proportion, and black ratsbane, which

That very Rat, who, like the Pontic tyrant,

Nurtures himself on poison, dare not touch ; —

All is sealed up with the broad seal of Fraud,

Who is the Devil's Lord High Chancellor,

And over it the primate of all Hell

Murmured this pious baptism:—" Be thou called

The Green Bao; and this power and grace be thine:

That thy contents, on whomsoever poured,

Turn innocence to guilt, and gentlest looks

To savage, foul, and fierce deformity.

Let all, baptised by thy infernal dew,

Be called adulterer, drunkard, liar, wretch!

No name left out which orthodoxy loves,

Court Journal or legitimate Review !—

Be they called tyrant, beast, fool, glutton, lover

Of other wives and husbands than their own—

The heaviest sin on this side of the Alps!

Wither they to a ghastly caricature

Of what was human!—let not man nor beast

Behold their face with unaverted eyes!

Or hear their names with ears that tingle not

With blood of indignation, rage, and shame!"

This is a perilous liquor ;—good my Lords.

[swbllfoot approachct to touch the Grekn Bao.

Beware 1 for God's sake, beware !—if you should The seal, and touch the fatal liquor [break


Give it to me. I have been use to handle
All sorts of poisons. His dread majesty
Only desires to see the colour of it.


Now, with a little common sense, my Lords,

Only undoing all that has been done,

(Yet so as it may seem we but confirm it,)

Our victory is assured. We must entice

Her Majesty from the sty, and make the pigs

Believe that the contents of the Green Bag

Are the true test of guilt or innocence.

And that, if she be guilty, 'twill transform her

To manifest deformity like guilt.

If innocent, she will become transfigured

Into an angel, such as they say she is;

And they will see her flying through the air,

So bright that she will dim the noon-day sun;

Showering down blessings in the shape of comfits.

This, trust a priest, is just the sort of thing

Swine will believe. I'll wager you will see them

Climbing upon the thatch of their low sties;

With pieces of smoked glass, to watch her sail

Among the clouds, and some will hold the flaps

Of one another's ears between their teeth,

To catch the coming hail of comfits in.

You, Purganax, who have the gift o' the gab,

Make them a solemn speech to this effect:

I go to put in readiness the feast

Kept to the honour of our goddess Famine,

Where, for more glory, let the ceremony

Take place of the uglmcation of the Queen.


I, as the keeper of your sacred conscience,
Humbly remind your Majesty that the care
Of your high office, as man-milliner
To red BeUona, should not be deferred.


All part, in happier plight to meet again.

r/:«p. ■-•



The Public Sty.

The Boars in full Auembly.

Enter Puroanax.


Grant me your patience, Gentlemen and Boars,
Ye, by whose patience under public burthens
The glorious constitution of these sties
Subsists, and shall subsist. The lean pig-rati s
Grow with the growing populace of swine,
The taxes, that true source of piggishness,
(How can I find a more appropriate term
To include religion, morals, peace, and plenty,
And all that fit Bceotia as a nation
To teach the other nations how to live 1)
Increase with piggishness itself; and still
Does the revenue, that great spring of all
The patronage, and pensions, and by-payments.
Which free-born pigs regard with jealous eyes,
Diminish, till at length, by glorious steps,
AU the land's produce will be merged in taxes,
And the revenue will amount to nothing!
The failure of a foreign market for
Sausages, bristles, and blood-puddings,

And such home manufactures, is but-partial;
And, that the population of the pigs,
Instead of hog-wash, has been fed on straw
And water, is a fact which is.—you know—
That is—it is a state necessity—
Temporary, of course. Those impious pigs.
Who, by frequent squeaks, have dared impugn
The settled Swellfoot system, or to make
Irreverent mockery of the genuflexions
Inculcated by the arch-priest, have been whip*
Into a loyal and an orthodox whine.
Things being in this happy state, the Queen


A loud cry from the Pigs.

She is innocent 1 most innocent!


That is the very thing that I was saying,
Gentlemen Swine; the Queen Iona being
Most innocent, no doubt, returns to Thebes,
And the lean sows and boars collect about her,
Wishing to make her think that tee believe
(I mean those more substantial pigs, who swill
Rich hog-wash, while the others mouth damp

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Why, no one Makes any positive accusation;—but There were hints dropped, and so the privy wizards Conceived that it became them to advise

His Majesty to investigate their truth;

Not for his own sake; he could be content

To let his wife play any pranks she pleased,

If, by that sufferance, he could please the pigs;

But then he fears the morals of the swine,

The sows especially, and what effect

It might produce upon the purity and

Religion of the rising generation

Of sucking-pigs, if it could be suspected

That Queen Iona— [A paute


Well, go on; we long To hear what she can possibly have done.


Why, it is hinted, that a certain bull—

Thus much is known :—the milk-white bulls that

feed Beside Clitumnus and the crystal lakes Uf the Cisalpine mountains, in fresh dews Of lotus-grass and blossoming asphodel, Sleeking their silken hair, and with sweet breath Loading the morning winds until they faint

With living fragrance, are so beautiful!

Well, / say nothing ;—but Europa rode
On such a one from Asia into Crete,
And the enamoured sea grew calm beneath
His gliding beauty. And Pasiphae,

lona's grandmother, but the is innocent!

And that both you and I, and all assert.

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Oh! no Green Baos!! Jealousy's eyes are green, Scorpions are green, and water-snakes, and efts, And verdigris, and—


Honourable swine, In piggish souls can prepossessions reign! Allow me to remind you, grass is greeu— All flesh is grass;—no bacon but is flesh— Ve arc but bacon. This divining Bag (Which is not green, but only bacon colour) Is filled with liquor, which if sprinkled o'er A woman guilty of—we all know what— Makes her so hideous, till she finds one blind, She never can commit the like again. If innocent, she will turn into an angel, And rain down blessings in the shape of comfits As she flies up to heaviu. Now, my proposal Is to convert her sacred Majesty

Into an angel, fas I am sure we shall do,)
By pouring on her head this mystic water.

[Showing the Bag.
I know that she is innocent; I wish
Only to prove her so to all the world.


Excellent, just, and noble Purganax!


How glorious it will be to see her Majesty
Flying above our heads, her petticoats
Streaming like—like—like—


Any thing.


Oh, no 1 But like a standard of an admiral's ship, Or like the banner of a conquering host, Or like a cloud dyed in the dying day, Unravelled on the blast from a white mountain; Or like a meteor, or a war-steed's mane, Or water-fall from a dizzy precipice Scattered upon the wind.


Or a cow's tail,—


Or any thing, as the learned Boar observed.

Gentlemen Boars, I move a resolution,
That her most sacred Majesty should be
Invited to attend the feast of Famine,
And to receive upon her chaste white body
Dews of Apotheosis from this Bag.

[A great confusion is heard of the Pigs out of Doors,
which communicate/ iUel/ to thoie within. During
the first Strophe, the door* of the Sty are staved in,
and a number of exceedingly lean Pigs and Sows
and Boars rush in.


No ! Yes!


Yes! No!

A law I



A flaw!


Porkers, we shall lose our wash,
Or must share it with the lean pigs!


Order! order ! be not rash!
Was there ever such a scene, Pigs!

AN OLD SOW (rushing in).
I never saw so fine a dash
Since I first began to wean pigs.

Second Boar (solemnly).
The Queen will be an angel time enough.
I vote, in form of an amendment, that
Purganax rub a little of that stuff
Upon his face—

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