Curious Epitaphs.

IN EDINBURGH CHURCH-YARD.

Here lie I, Martin Eldinbrode,
Ha' mercy on my soul, Loord Gode,
As I would do, were I Loord Gode,
And thou wert Martin Eldinbrode.

ON A FELLOW OF A COLLEGE.
Underneath a Fellow lies,
Nobody laughs, and nobody cries;
Where his soul is, or how it fares,

Nobody knows, and nobody cares.

ON A TOMB-STONE, IN ALLERTON
CHURCH-YARD, NOTTINGHAMSHIRE,

Beneath the droppings of this spout,*
Here lies the body once so stout,
Of FRANCIS THOMPSON.
A soul this carcase long possess'd,
Which for its virtue was caress'd,
By all who knew the owner best.
The Rufford records can declare
His actions, who for seventy year,
Both drew and drank its potent beer.
Fame mentions not in all that time,
In this great Butler the least crime,

To stain his reputation.

To Envy's self we now appeal,
If ought of fault she can reveal,

To make her declaration.

Then rest, good shade, nor hell nor vermin fear; Thy virtues guard thy soul-thy body good strong

beer.

He died July 6, 1739, aged 83.

*The stone joins to the South wall of the Church, under one of the spouts.

+ Rufford-Abbey, then the Seat of Sir George Saville, Baronet, in whose family the person had lived as Butler.

la ELLSMERE CHURCH-YARD, SHROPSHIRE.

Interr'd here lyes 100 years and four; No one knew Scripture less, and virtue more. Peace his ambition, contentment was his wealth, Honesty his pride, his passion health; The father's duty and the husband's guide, By nature good, the age's wonder dy'd. IN SELBY CHURCH-YARD, YORKSHIRE. Here lies the body of poor Frank Row, Parish clerk, and grave-stone cutter; And this is writ to let you know, What Frank for others us'd to do, Is now for Frank done by another,

ON A COUNTRY INN KEEPER, WHO DIED JUNE 22, 1757.

Heu! hark ye, old friend! what, wilt pass, then, without

Taking notice of honest plump Jack? You see how 'tis with me, my light is burnt out, And they've laid me here flat on my back.

That light in my nose, once so bright to behold, That light is extinguish'd at last;

And I'm now put to bed in the dark and the cold, With wicker, and so forth, made fast.

But now, wilt oblige me? then call for a quart Of the best, from the house o'er the way; Drink a part on't thyself, on my grave pour a part, And walk on,-Friend, I wish thee good day. J. H-tt.

ON THE MARRIAGE OF MISS E. BLACK WITH MR. T. WHITE.

(Written immediately after the Ceremony.)

Mankind may now all error shun;—

Nay, set Dame Nature right;
For I as Lawyers oft have done,
Can prove that Black is White.

MARRIAGE.

Cries Silvia to a reverend Dean,
What reason can be given;
Since Marriage is a holy thing,

That there are none in Heaven?

There are no Women, (he replied;)
She quick returns the jest;

Women there are, but I'm afraid,

They cannot find a Priest.*

* Such was the smart repartee of a Lady to Dean Swift.

MATRIMONY.

Cries Nell to Tom, 'midst matrimonial strife, "Curs'd be the hour I first became your wife." "By all the powers, (said Tom) but that's too bad,

"You've curs'd the only civil hour we've had."

QUESTION AND ANSWER.

Says a beau to a lady, "pray name, if you can, “Of all your acquaintance, the handsomest man?" The lady reply'd, "If you'd have me speak true, "He's the handsomest man, that's the most unlike you."

LIGHT-FINGER'D JACK.

Jack, who thinks all his own that once he handles,
For practice sake, once stole a pound of candies;
Was taken in the fact;-ah! thoughtless wight,
To steal such things as needs must come to light.
A NEW WAY OF PAYING OLD DEBTS.

"Pay me my money!" Robin cry'd,
To Richard, whom he quickly spy'd;
And by the collar seiz'd the blade,
Swearing he'd be that moment paid:
Base Richard instant made reply,
(And struck poor Robin in the eye)
"There's my own hand in black and white,
"A note of hand, and paid at sight."

THE RETORT.

"My head, Tom's confus'd with your nonsense and bother;

"It goes in at one ear and out at the other." "Of that, my friend Dick, I was ever aware, "For nonsense, your head is a pure thoroughfure."

PRUDENT SIMPLICITY.

For physic and farces,
His equal there scarce is;
His farces are physic,
His physic a farce-is!

EPIGRAM ON AN EPIGRAM.

The qualities all in a bee that we meet
In an epigram never should fail;
The body should always be little and sweet,
And a sting should be felt in its tail.

Elegant Empromptus.

DR. YOUNG.-One day as Dr. Young was walking in his garden, at Welwyn, in company with two Ladies, (one of whom he afterwards married) the servant came to acquaint him a Gentleman wished to speak with him."Tell him" says the Doctor, "I am too hap pily engaged to change my situation!" The Ladies insisted he should go, as his visitor was a man of rank, his patron, and his friend; but, as persuasion had no effect, one took him by the right arm, the other by the left, and led him to the garden-gate; when, finding resis tance in vain, he bowed, laid his hand upon his heart, and in that expressive manner for which he was so remarkable, spoke the following lines:

"Thus Adam look'd, when from the garden driv`n "And thus disputed orders sent from heav'n:"Like him I go, but yet to go am loth; "Like him I go, for Angels drove us both: "Hard was his fate, but mine still more unkind; "His Eve went with him, but mine stays behind."

DEAN SWIFT.-An accomplished and beautiful new-married Lady, being once in company with Swift, spoke of her husband in very high terms, and, as the Dean thought, gave him rather more praise than he deserved; he, however, let it pass; but, finding her disposed to renew the subject on another occasion, changed it, by the following elegant impromptu :

he

"You always are making a god of your spouse; "But this neither reason nor conscience allows:"Perhaps you will say, 'tis to gratitude due, "And you adore him, because he adores you. "Your argument's weak, and so you will find; "For you by this rule must adore all mankind.”

Fashion.

CUSTOM OF VISITING.

Among the grievances of modern days, much complained of, but with little hope of redress, is the matter of receiving and paying visits, the number of which, it is generally agreed, "has been increasing, is increased, and ought to be diminished." You meet frequently with people who will tell yon, they are worn to death by visit ing: and that, what with morning visits, and afternoon visits, dining visits, and supping visits, tea-drinking visits, and card-playing visits, exclusive of balls and concerts, for their parts, they have not an hour to themselves in the four-and-twenty. But they must go home and dress, or they shall be too late for their visit. Nor is this complaint by any means peculiar to the times in which we have the honour to live. Cowley was out of all patience on the subject, above one hundred years ago. "If we engage, says he, in a large acquaintance, and various familiarities, we set open our gates to the invaders of most of our time; we expose our life to a quotidian ague of frigid impertinences, which would make a wise man tremble to think of."

But as Cowley was apt to be a little out of humour between whiles, let us hear the honourable, pious, and sweet-tempered Mr. Boyle, who, among the troubles of life, enumerates as one, the business of receiving senseless visits, whose continuance, if otherwise una

voidable, is capable, in my opinion, to justify

the retiredness of a hermit."

men

Bishop Jeremy Taylor is clear, that " will find it impossible to do any thing greatly good, unless they cut off all superfluous conpany and visits." If we consult the Ladies, (as, indeed, we ought to do upon all occasions) we find it recorded by Ballad of the very learned and excellent Mrs. Astell, that "when she saw needless visitors coming, whom she knew to be incapable of conversing on any useful subject, but coming merely for the sake of chat and tattle, she would look out of the window, and jestingly tell them (as Cato did Nasica) Mrs. Astell is not at home, and in good earnest kept them out, not suffering such triflers to make inroads upon her more serious hours."

And now what shall we say to these things? For after all, nothing can be more certain than, whatever learned or unlearned folk may pretend to the contrary, visit we must, or the world will be at an end; we may as well go supercargoes to Botany-bay at once.

Distinction is the parent of perspicuity.— Suppose, therefore, we take in order the different sorts of visits above-mentioned, and consider them (as a worthy and valuable author phrases it) with their roots, reasons, "and -respects."

And first, of the first, namely, morning visits. It is evident, that as things are now

regulated amongst us, all visits of business must be made at this season; for we dine late for this very purpose; and no Gentleman does any thing after dinner, but-drink. In the days of our forefathers, under Elizabeth, and her successor, James, it was otherwise; for Bishop Andrews, we are told, entertained hopes of a person who had been guilty of many faults and follies, till one day the young man happened unfortunately to call in a morning.— Then the good Bishop gave him up.

Mrs. Astell herself would not have disdained to take her share in a little chat and tattle over the tea-table. They may be styled correlatives, and go together as naturally as ham and chickens.

If it be asked, what number of friends it is expedient to collect, in order to make a visit comfortable, I must confess myself unable to answer the question, so diverse are the opinions and customs that have prevailed in different ages and countries. Among ourselves, at present, if one were to lay down a general rule, it should be done, perhaps, in these wordsThe more, the merrier.

Some years ago, these multitudinous meetings were known by the various names of assemblies, routs, drums, tempests, hurricanes, and earthquakes. If you made a morning visit to. a Lady, she would tell you very gravely, what earthquake, she had been at the night before. a divine rout, a sweet hurricane, or a charining

To have discussed all these sub-divisions of

visits, and distinguished properly the nature of each, as considered in itself, would have been an arduous task, from which I find myself

happily relieved by the modern very jadicious adoption of the term PARTY, which is what the logicians style an universal, and includes every thing of the kind.

A company of twelve at dinner, with a reinforcement of twenty at tea and cards, may, I believe, be called a small party, which a Lady may attend, without any assistance from the hair-dresser.

There is one maxim never to be departed from, namely, that the smallness of the house is no objection to the largeness of the party.— The reason is, that, as these meetings are chiefly holden in the winter, the company may keep one another warm.

But this will not in every instance be the case, after all the care and pains upon earth; for, when the other apart.nents were full, I have known four persons shut into a closet at Christmas, without fire or candle, playing a rubber by the light of a sepulchral lamp, saspended from the ceiling.

At another time, the butler opening a cupboard to take out the apparatus for the lemonade, with the nice decanters, to prevent mischief, in case of weak stoma h, found two little Misses, whom the Lady of the house, (ever anxious to promote the happiness of all her friends.) had squeezed and pinioned in there, to form a snug party at cribbage.

An accident happened, last winter, at one of these amicable associations, from a contrary cause, where the fluids in the human frame had suffered too great a degree of rarefaction. A Gentleman, making a precipitate retreat, on finding himself inflated, like a balloon, with a large dose of gas, or burnt air in him, tumbled over a card-table, which (that no room might be lost) had been set upon a landingplace of the stairs. The party, with all the implements of trade, table, cards, candles, and counters, and the unfortunate person who had brought on the catastrophe, rolled down together. No farther mischief, however, was done; and two Gentlemen of the party, as I have been well-informed, found time to make a bet for the odd trick, before they got to the bottom.

But these are trifling circumstances, and no more than may be expected to fall to the lot of humanity. I do not mention them, I am sure, as constituting any objection to a PARTY, or as affording any reason why one should deprive one's self of the pleasure one always has in seeing one's friends about one.

Humour and Whim.

EXTRAORDINARY PROLOGUE.-An Hibernian member of a strolling company of Comedians, in the North of England, some time since advertised for his benefit, "An occasional Address to be spoken by a new actor." This excited great expectations among the town's people.Upon the benefit-night, the Hibernian stepped forward, and in a deep brogue thus addressed the audience:

To night, a new actor appears on your stage, "To claim your protection and your patron-age; Now, who do you think this new actor may be? "Why, turn round your eyes, and look full upon

me,

"And then you'll be sure this new actor to see." Upon this, our hero made his bow and retired. The effect it had upon the audience may be easily imagined: the Hibernian's whim produced a loud and general roar of laughter.

THE RIVAL LIARS.-A French Nobleman, addressing himself lately to three of his servants, promised to reward the one who should tell him the greatest lie. The first said that he never had told a lie—the second averred that he could not tell one-the third candidate, however, proved himself the best adept in the art, and obtained the prize, for he assured his master that both his fellow-servants had just told him the truth!

THE POETICAL LANDLORD.-A Gentleman coming to town from Seven Oaks, in Kent, observed on a sign in the road the following lines, which on enquiry he found to be the offspring of the landlord's brain:—

"I John Stubbs livith here,

"Sells good Brandy, Gin, and Beer;
"I mead my Borde a letel whyder,
"To lette you nowe I sell good Syder."

Enscriptions.

INSCRIPTION FOR A FOUNTAIN.

O You! who mark what flowrets gay,
What gales, what odours breathing near,
What sheltering shades from Summer's ray,
Allure my spring to linger here;-

You see me quit this margin green,
Yet see me deaf to pleasure's call,
Explore the thirsty haunts of men,
Yet see my bounty flow for all.

O learn of me-no partial rill,
No slumbering selfish pool be you;
But social laws alike fulfil,

O flow for all creation too!

TRANSCRIPT OF AN INSCRIPTION
In Islington Church, with the abbreviations and
spelling, as it was taken from the plate itself,
June 28th, 1751.

I pye the Crysten man that hast goe to see this:
to pye for the soulls of them that here buryed is [
And remember that in Cryst we be bretherne:
the wich hath comaundid eu'ry man to py for other
This sayth Robert Midleton & Johan his Wyf.
Here wrappid in claye. Abiding the mercy |
Of Almyghty god till domesdaye.
Wch was sutyme s'unt to s' george hasting

knyght |

Erle of huntingdunt passid this tnscitory lyf, in the yere of our Lord god m ccccc ....... I And the day of the moneth of

On whose soull Almyghty god have m'cy amen

"This Inscription (says a Writer in the Gentleman's Magazine, for 1751) was in Gothic letters, on a plate of brass, in the middle aisle, on the floor near the entrance into the chancel: It contains six lines, the end of each is marked thus ; and it appears to have been laid down neither the year, day, nor month are set down, in the life-time of Robert Midleton, because but spaces left for that purpose. I observe, that the inhabitants of Islington want to make quote this Inscription as it is in Strype, 1401, their Church older than I presume it is, and in support of that notion, when it is plain 1500, and is all that it says; and Sir G. Hastings was December, 1529, so that this Inscription must not created Earl of Huntingdon till the 8th of be wrote after that time. The oldest date that south-east corner of the steeple, and was not appears any where about the Church, is at the visible till the west gallery was pulled down; it is 1483: but as these figures are of a modern shape, it looks as if it was done in the last century; the old way of making these characters was in Arabic, and not as they are now generally made."

Erish Bulls.

An Irish Orator was silenced with an inex tinguishable laughter, merely for saying, "I am sorry to hear my honourable friend stand mute."

After a battle between two celebrated pugilists, an Irishman made his way to the chaise, where the one who had lost the battle had been conveyed, and said to him—“How are you, my gay fellow? Can you see at all with the ye that's knocked out?”

An Hibernian at Buxton declared, that no English hen ever luid a fresh egg.

Looking at a very fine picture, an Irishman said, to express his adiniration, that's an incomparable, an inimitable picture; it is absolutely more like than the original.

"I hate cats almost as much as old women, (exclaimed an Hibernian in a coffee-house,) and if I had been the English Minister, I would have laid the dog tax upon cats."

At the time of the illumination in honour of the Peace, a loyal Irishman, sympathising with the general joy, walked rapidly from street to street, adiniring the various elegant devices. A crowd was standing before the windows of a house that was illuminated with extraordinary splendour. He enquired whose it was, and was informed that it belonged to a contractor, who had made an immense for tune by the war. "Then I'm sure these illuminations of his for the Peace are none of the most sincere," said the Irishman. The mob were of his opinion; and Thelim, who was worked up to the proper pitch for blundering, added, by way of pleasing his audience still more, "if this contractor had illuminated in character, it should have been with darklunthorns." "Should it, by Jesus?-that would be an Irish illumination," cried one. "Arrah, honey! you're an Irishman, whoever you are, and have spoke your mind in character."

"Who is your father?" asked a person who met a young Irishman, seemingly in deep anlictioir "I have no father-I am an orphan; I have only a mother." Have you any brothers and sisters?" "No; I wish I had; for perhaps they would love me, and not laugh at me; (said the youth with tears in his eyes) but I have no brothers but myself."

An Hibernian was once heard to say, he had bought a pound of chocolate, to make tea of.

Sir Richard Steele being asked how it happened that his countrymen made so many bulls, replied, "It is the effect of the climate, Sir; if an Englishman were born in Ireland, he would make as many."

Miscellanies.

THE HEART OF A SAILOR.-(From Mackenzie's Works.)—A few weeks ago, as I was walking along one of the back streets of the City of Edinburgh, on a very rainy morning, I

was very much struck with the melancholy figure of a blind man, who was endeavouring to excite charity by ballad-singing. Misery could not have found, among the numbers of distressed mortals, a form more suited to her nature. Whilst I was contemplating the wretchedness of the object, and comparing it with the strains which necessity compelled him to chaunt, a Sailor, who came whistling along the street, with a stick under his arm, stopped and purchased a ballad of him.—“God " for I preserve you," cried the blind man, have not tasted a bit of bread this blessed day;" when the Sailor, looking round him for a moment, sprung up four steps into a bakers shop, near which he stood, and returning immediately, thrust a small loaf quietly into hand, and went off whistling, as he came. I was so affected with this singular act of generosity, that I called the honest sailor back to me. Taking the silver I had about me, which I think was not more than four shillings," thy nobleness of heart, my lad," said I," which I have seen so bright an instance of, makes me sorry that I cannot reward thee as thou dost deserve; I must, however, beg your acceptance of this trille, as a small testimony how much I admire thy generous nature."-"God bless your noble honour," said the Sailor," and thank we shall divide the prize-money fairly.' Stepping back, therefore, to the poor man, he gave him half of it, and clapping him upon the shoulder at the same time, added, here are two shillings for thee, my blind Cupid, for which you are not obliged to me, but a noble Gentleman who stands within five yards of you; so get into harbour, and make yourself warm, and keep your hum-strum for fairer weather."

you,

but

GENTEEL ECONOMY. A certain lady, whose taste is equal to her economy, was under the necessity of asking a friend to dinner; the following is a bill of fare, and the expense of each dish, which was found on the carpet :-

At top, two herrings

Middle, one ounce and a half of butter

melted

s. d.

Bottom, three mutton chops, cut thin 02 One side, one pound of small potatoes 0 0 On the other side, pickled cabbage 0 0 Fish removed, two larks, plenty of

crumbs Mution removed, French roll boiled for pudding Parsley, for garnish

0 1

0 04 0 0

0 7

The dinner was served up, on china, looked light, tasty, and pretty; the table small, and the dishes well proportioned.→ We hope each new-married lady will keep this as a lesson; it is worth knowing how to serve up seven dishes, consisting of a dish of fish, joint of mutton, couple of fowls, pudding, vegetables, and sauce, for sevenpence.