and satirize the bad. I think you could write a most excellent lampoon. I venerate a man of letters. Will you dine with us?" This torrent of flattery and falsehood almost overcame me; and it was with some difficulty that I rose up to take my leave; which I managed te do, but not without the following reproof on my lips: "Sir, we are placed here children of the same parent, tenants of the same soil, united by the same principles of society. Let our lot be cast where it may, high or low, rich or poor, we have certain duties to exercise and full in life, which should be perfectly reciprocal. Nature and reason enforce this reciprocity for the benefit of all; and it is only the bail man who attempts to make an undue or unfair use of the property of others, be it in talent or riches: the man who only makes use of his neighbour for his own advantage, convenience, or pleasure, is no better than a pickpocket, who amuses you in conversation while he steals

The following story I have either heard or read: I shall take the liberty, however, to relate it here after my own way. My readers will accept it as it is, for the moral it contains.

A certain Swiss Captain of Grenadiers, whose company had been cashiered, was determined, since Mars had no more employment for him, to try if he could not procure a commission in the corps of Venus; or, in other words, if he could not get a wife: and, as he had no fortune of his own, he reasoned, and reasoned very rightly, that it was quite necessary his intended should have enough for them both. The Captain was one of those kind of heroes, to whom the epithet of hectoring blade might readily be ap plied. He was near six feet high; and wore a long sword, and a fierce cocked hat: add to which, that he was allowed to have had the most martial pair of whiskers of any grenadier in the company to which he belonged. To curl these whiskers, to comb and twist them round his fore-finger, and to admire them in the gless, formed the chief occupation and delight of his life. A man of these accomplishments; with the addition of bronze and rhodomontade, of which he had a superfluity; stands, at all times, and in all countries, a good chance with the ladies, as the experience of I know not how many thousand years has confirmed.

Accordingly, after a little diligent attention, and artful enquiry, a young lady was found, exactly such a one as we may well suppose a person with his views would be glad to find. She was tolerably handsome; not more than

He

One day as he was ranting, kneeling, and beseeching his goddess to send him of an errand to pluck the diamond from the nose of the Great Mogul, and present it to her divinityship; or suffer him to step and steal the Empress of China's enchanted slipper, or the Queen of Sheba's cockatoo; as a small testimony of what he would undertake, to prove his love! she, after a little hesitation, addressed him thus:--

"The protestations which you daily make, Captain, as well as what you say at present, convince me that there is nothing you would not do to oblige me: I, therefore, do not find much difficulty in telling you, that I am willing to be your's, if you will perform one thing which I shall request of you."

"Tell me, immaculate angel!" cried our son of gunpowder; "tell me what it is! Though, before you speak, be certain it is already done. Is it to find the Seal of Solomon? to catch the Phoenix? or draw your chariot to church with Unicorns? What is the impossible act that I will not undertake?"

"No, Captain," replied the fair one, "I shall enjoin nothing impossible. The thing I desirę, you can do with the utmost ease; it will not cost you five minutes trouble: and yet, were it not for your so positive assurances, from what I have observed, I should almost doubt of your compliance."

"Ah. Madam!" returned he, "wrong not your slave thus; deem it not possible, that he who eats happiness, and drinks immortal life, from the light of your eyes, can ever demur the thousandth part of a semi-second to execute your omnipotent behests! Speak! say! what, Empress of my parched entrails, what must I perform ?"

"Nay, for that matter, it is a mere trifle!Only to cut off your whiskers, Captain; that's

all.

"Madam -[Be so kind, reader, as to imagine the Captain's utter astonishment.]-" My Whiskers! Cut off my Whiskers!-Excuse me! Cut off my Whiskers!-Pardon me, Madam!

Bid me

Any thing else any thing that mind can or cannot imagine, or tongue describe. fetch you Prester John's Beard, a hair at a time, and it's done. But, for my Whiskers! you must grant me a salvo there!"

"And why so, good Captain?-Surely, any gentleman who had but the tythe of the passion you express, would not stand on such a trifle!" "A trific, Madam!-My Whiskers a trifle! -No, Madam, no!-My Whiskers are no trifle. Had I but a single regiment of fellows whiskered like me, I myself would be the Grand Turk of Constantinople.-My Whiskers, Madam, are the last thing I should have supposed you would have wished me to sacrifice. There is not a woman, married or single,— maid, wife, or widow-that does not admire my whiskers!"

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May be 30, Sir; but if you marry me, you must cut them off."

"And is there no other way? Must I never hope to be happy with you, unless I part with my Whiskers?

"Never!"

Why then, Madam, farewell. I would not part with a single hair of my Whiskers, if Catharine, the Czarina, Empress of all the Russias, would make me King of the Calmucs; and so, good morning to you!"

Had all young ladies, in like circumstances, equal penetration, they might generally rid themselves, with equal ease, of the interested and unprincipled coxcombs by whom they are pestered; they all have their whiskers: and seek for fortunes, to be able to cultivate, not ut them off.

Verses.

The following simple Narrative speaks much instruction, and may be of use to Parents and Youth:

A gentleman in the medical line, was some time ago asked to visit a patient, and was conducted up three pair of stairs, to a gloomy, shabby, sky-lighted apartment. When he entered, he perceived two young females sitting on the side of a dirty bed, without curtains.On approaching, he found one of them nearly in the agonies of death, supported by the other, who was persuading her to take a bit of bread dipped in wine. The pale emaciated figure refused, saying, in a feeble languid voice, that it would but contribute to prolong her misery, which she hoped was near at an end. Looking at the Doctor, with earnestness, she said, you have come too late, Sir, I want not your assistance:

"O could'st thou minister to a mind diseas'd, "Or stop th' access and passage to remorse.' Here she fetched a deep sigh, and dropped upon the bed. Every means of relief was afforded, but in vain; for, in less than hour she expired. In a small box, by the side of the bed, were found some papers, by which it ap peared, that the unhappy young woman had had more than an ordinary education; that she had changed her name, and concealed that of her parents, whom she sincerely pitied, and whose greatest fault had been too much indul

gence, and a misplaced confidence in the pru dence of their favorite daughter. With some directions respecting her funeral, the following pathetic lines were found, and some little inoney in the corner of the box was assigned to have them engraved on her tomb-stone:VERSES FOR MY TOMB-STONE, IF EVER I SHALL HAVE ONE.

BY A PROSTITUTE AND A PENITENT.

"Here rest the reliques of a nymph undone,
"Who, dying, wish'd her days had ne'er begun.”

The wretched victim of a quick decay,
Reliev'd from life on this cold bed of clay,
(The last and only refuge for my woes,)
A lost, love-ruin'd female I repose.
From the sad hour I listen'd to his charms,

Yielding, half-fore'd, in the deceiver's arms,
To that, whose awful veil hides every fault,
Shelt'ring my sufferings in this welcome vault;
When pamper'd, starv'd, abandon'd, or in drink,
My thoughts were rack'd in striving not to think;
Nor could rejected conscience gain the power
Of calm reflection for one serious hour:
I durst not look to what I was before;
My soul shrunk back, and wish'd to be no more.
One step to vice stole on without controul,
Till, step by step, perdition wreck'd the soul.
Of eye undaunted, and of touch impure,
Old e'er of age, worn out when scarce mature;
Daily debas'd, to stifle my disgust
Of life, which sunk me to the lowest dust;
Cover'd with guilt, infection, debt, and want,
My home a brothel, and the street my haunt;
Full seven long years of infamy I've pin'd,
And fondled, loath'd, and prey'd upon mankind;
Till, the full course of sin and vice gone through,
My shatter'd fabric fail'd at twenty-two;
Then Death, with every horror in his train,
Clos'd the sad scene of riot, guilt, and pain.
O! could it shut the future from my view,
Nor dread eternity! my life renew;
Renew to anguish, and the deepest woe,
While endless ages never cease to flow!

Ye fair associates of my opening bloom!
O! come and weep, and profit at my tomb;—
To me, sweet peace and virtue once were known,
"And Peace, O, Virtue! Peace is all thy own."
Let my short youth-my blighted beauty prove,
The fatal poison of unlawful love;

CONSOLATORY VERSES,

TO A LADY, ON THE DEATH OF HER INFANT DAUGHTER.

At length, sweet babe, her tortur'd frame's at

rest,

Life's bands are loos'd, and she is with the blest ;
No more shall pain thy first-born's limbs annoy,
Mounted on Seraph's wings to realms of joy.
Fain would I soothe thy woe, relieve thy pain,
And urge thy loss in her transcendant gain;
Yet the fond Mother cries, with actions wild,
Deaf to all comfort-" O, my child! my child!"
Busy reflection yet, with pointed dart,
Recalls each look, to wound a Mother's heart;
Smiles as her Infant smil'd, her voice the same,
Thrills through her ears, and shakes her weaken'd
frame;

Clings round her neck-too poignantly displays,
Her dear lost child, with all its winning ways.
“Ah, where's th' expressive look, the laughing
eye?

Pale thy dear lips, which wore the coral dye;
Nipt are thy budding graces, in their prime,
Like flowers in spring, cut off before their time:
Oh! I must ever mourn; my hopes beguil'd,
Pride of my life-my child! my child! my child!"
Yet soothing friends, ah! let her breathe her
woes,

From grief imparted, consolation flows,
Turn, gentle mourner, think to thee 'tis given,
To see thy first-born wear the Crown of Heaven.
See through thy tears-tears will awhile remain,
"For sighs and tears, by Nature spring from
pain ;"

See through the eye of faith, disrob'd of clay,
Thy babe, a Cherub, join'd eternal day;
A smiling Seraph gain'd the heavenly road,
Chaunting sweet hallelujahs to her God.
Woulds't thou, if thou could'st, allure her down,
And rob th' exulting Angel of her crown?
Ah, no! 'tis anxious trembling Nature yearns,
The Christian yields her, but the Mother mourns;
Could'st thou but see her rob'd in spotless white,
How would her wond'rous glories charm thy
sight?

Then would she say "Oh! weep for me no more,
"I am not lost, but gone awhile before;
"Absent, indeed, but we shall meet again,

"Deck'd me in heavenly robes, each bliss dis

play'd,

"Whilst round my flaxen locks a rainbow play'd "Around my neck, a golden harp they bung, "And with sweet hallelujahs, tun'd my tongue; "A branch of palm my little fingers grasp'd, "And oft uplift with joy and wonder clasp'd; "With cherub's wing upon a sunbeam's ray, "O'er silver clouds, I wing'd my glorious way, "Ah! 'tis in vain, cloth'd as thou art with sense, To paint the wonders of Omnipotence;

"But thou wilt know, will unencumbered see, "When thou hast shot the gulph 'twixt me and thee,

"Then will I tune my harp, and meet thy love, "Giving thee convoy to the realms above. "I'll join thy mounting spirit as it flies, "And both together, seek our native skies!" "Yes, we shall meet, sweet babe, and never part, I yet shall see the darling of my heart; "Prostrate before Thy throne, O Power Divine, "I'll kiss the rod, and patiently resign;

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Fully convinc'd, in trembling Nature's spite, "Whate'er thou dost is just, is good, is right." W.

THE YEAR.

(Communicated by Mr. ALEX. Y**tm*~.)

JANUARY.

Lo! my fair, the morning lazy,

Peeps abroad from yonder hill; PHŒBUS rises, red and hazy, Frost has stopp'd the village mill.

FEBRUARY.

All around looks sad and dreary;
Fast the flaky snow descends;
Yet the Red-breast chirrups cheery, !
While the mitten'a lass attends.

MARCH.

Rise the winds, and rock the cottage, Thaws the roof, and wets the path; Dorcas cooks the savoury pottage; Smokes the cake upon the hearth.

APRIL.

Sunshine intermits with ardour, Shades fly swiftly o'er the fields ; Showers revive the drooping verdure, Sweets the sunny upland yields.

MAY.

Pearly beams the eye of morning;
Child! forbear the deed unbless'd!
Hawthorn every hedge adorning,

Pluck the dowers-but spare the nest,

The Season's worse than usual found,
If with a plumb it is not crown'd;
He meets with boughs, in number great,
More than a Minister of State;

He's truly famous in his beds,

On these the rose her fragrance sheds;
With painted-ladies thick around,
The lily's in her beauty found;
And more, far more for business sake,
Than for diversion-he can rake;
And if you ask the reason why-
His fortune is improv'd thereby.
Lad's-love he always has in store,
And when he pleases, can have more;
Adversity ne'er on him frowns,
Heart's-ease, his every effort crowns;
His wife is mindful of his deeds,
And never wishes for the weeds;
Distempers, fatal to our race,
Ne'er in the least retard his pace;
With pleasure of consumption talks,
And better for the gravel-walks;
If unaccustom'd to the toasts,

More bleeding-hearts than you he boasts;
Amongst his borders you will find,
Distinguish'd laurels well refin'd.
These great possessions, by the way,
Are springs of pleasure, every day;
But that which heightens all their charms,
And causes envy great alarms—
That-setting other things aside,
Which most exalts and swells his pride,
Is having every thing so true,
That when he pleases-can have Yer.
R. G. LIFFE.

Leicester, 14th Jan. 1819.

CORRESPONDENCE.

Our Correspondents have become so nume rous, that we find it incompatible with our limits to make particular mention of each Communication. From the various contributions which have been received, we have made the best selections we were able, and more will be taken for our future Numbers.-It will occur to the candid and intelligent Reader, that in such a Work as THE TICKLER, where literary flowrets are constantly springing up, a vast mass of matter, possessing, perhaps, a considerable portion of merit, must, amidst the boundless and inexhaustible store that is open to us, be necessarily excluded. To our Correspondents generally, we unaffectedly offer our acknow ledgements;-to those from whose Communica tions we have made extracts, the insertion of their Favours will, perhaps, be considered a sufficient earnest of the satisfaction with which we anticipate their future correspondence. Printed and Published for the Proprietors, by J. WHITE, 41, Holywell-street, and may be had of all Booksellers.

VOL. I. No. 4.]

Allegory.

THE HAPPY UNION.

The Gods, wearied with the perpetual cries of wedded mortals, loudly complaining that they were unfortunately matched, sent, at length, a messenger to Earth, with authority to divorce all those who were desirous of being unmarried. On the messenger's return to Heaven, it appeared, from his report, that only a single couple in the whole world were perfectly satisfied with each other. This amiable and peaceable pair had never quarrelled; if the woman was out of temper, and suffered her tongue to use violent expressions, the husband entirely disregarded what she said; and, if he committed any improper or indelicate actions, his dear wife never once noticed them. The cause of this singular instance of connubial harmony puzzled all the celestials, who learned with astonishment, that the wife was blind, and the husband deaf!

Anecdotes.

It was customary with Frederick the Great of Prussia, whenever a new soldier appeared in his Guards, to ask him three questions, viz. How old are you?-How long have you been in my service? Are you satisfied with your pay and treatment? It happened that a young soldier, born in France, who had served in his own Country, desired to enlist in the Prussian service; his figure caused him to be immediately accepted; but he was totally ignorant of the German dialect; and his Captain giving him notice that Frederick would question him in that tongue the first time he should see him, cautioned him at the same time to learn by heart, the three answers that he was to make the King. Accordingly he learned them by the next day; and as soon as he appeared in the ranks, Frederick came up to interrogate him, but he happened to begin upon him by the second question, and asked him, "How long have you been in my service?" "Twenty one years," answered the soldier. The King, struck with his youth, which plainly indicated that he had not borne a musket so long as that, said to him, much astonished,-"How old are you?" "One year, an't please your Majesty." Frederick, more astonished still, cried "You or I must certainly be bereft of our senses." The soldier, who took this for the third question, replied firmly,-"Both, an't

PRICE 6d

please your Majesty." "This is the first time I was ever treated as a madman at the head of my Army," replied Frederick. The soldier, who had exhausted his stock of German, kept silent; and when the King questioned him again, to penetrate into this mystery, the soldier told him in French, that he did not understand a word of German; at which the King laughed heartily, and advised him to learn that language, with an exhortation to perform well his duty.

ORIENTAL JEALOUSY.-The ladies of the Persian haram, when on a journey, are preceded, at about the advance of five score paces, by a troop of horse, who reiterate the cry of "Couroue! couroue!" as a signal for every man the punishment of disobedience in this particuto retire to a proper distance. So rigorous is lar, that in the reign of Abbas 2d, one of the servants, whose employment it was to set up executing his office, laid down to sleep, the the tents, being weary with the march, after king and his women being then at a considerable distance. The poor fellow happened, however, to sleep beyond his calculation, and being found by the guards he preceded, was wrapped up in the carpet he lay on, and buried alive.

MACKLIN and DR. JOHNSON disputing on a literary subject, Johnson quoted Greek. “I do not understand Greek," said Macklin.—“A man who argues, should understand all languages," replied Johnson.-"Very well,” said Macklin, and gave him a quotation from the Irish.

CLERICAL CRUELTY.-Hamilton, the primate of Scotland, determined to strike the reformers with terror, seized Walter Mill, a priest of irreproachable life, who had embraced the new doctrine of Knox, and having tried him for heresy, condemned him to the flames. This barbarity raised the utmost detestation in the minds of the people, and it was some time before the archbishop could prevail on any person to act the part of a civil judge, and pronounce this abominable sentence. Nor did the prelate's difficulties end here; for when the time of Mill's execution arrived, all the shops in St. Andrew's were shut, and no person would sell a rope to bind him to the stake, so that the primate was obliged to furnish the implement himself!

DEAN SWIFT was one morning standing at his study window, and from thence observed a decent elderly woman offering a paper to one of his servants, which the fellow at first refused with an insolent aspect; the woman, however, pressed her suit with all the energy of distress,

C