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On Tuesday, Mr. Shorter, of Monument Yard, to Miss Short, of Little East-cheap.

The Rev. Dr. Church, to Miss Bishop, of Dean-street; the happy couple left town after the ceremony, to pass the honeymoon at the Priory.

Epigrams.

DANDIES.

Dandies, to make a greater show,

muse," penetrate into the regions of Bathos. Nothing is more common to see inscribed on a rustic tombstone,

A loving friend, a husband dear, A tender father sleepeth here; though, at the same time, this paragon of perfection, who, according to the epitaph, regularly and severally performed every Christian duty, was known by those who have survived him, to have been both a drunken, tyrannical, good-for-nothing husband, and an imperious father, without any sense of

Wear coats stuck out with pads and puffing; faith or honesty. One of these "frail

And this is surely a-propos,

For what's a Goose without the stuffing?

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memorials" informs us, with great earnestness and penetration,

Here we lies and takes our rest,
Till Christ our Lord doth call;
Then we shall rise from death to life,

Well, and what follows?

And die no more at all!

In a church-yard in the isle of Portland, there is the following whimsical inscription--

Ah, cruel death! alas! thou hast me hurl'd
Out of this evil, to a better world:
Where neither sin, nor sorrow, never shall
Vex nsr perplex me. Oh! that's best of all

As a specimen of the orthoëpy of these rural bards, take the following, which is inscribed in the church-yard of Coombe-Basset, a village near Salisbury--

Weep not for me, my children dear,
I am not dead, but sleepeth here.

But all these must yield the palm of singularity to one, which is to be met with somewhere in Scotland; but of which I have unfortunately forgotten a great part, that which I remember, runs thus--

Who lies here?

Me Mungo Linsey. What need ye spear? Aha, Mungo is this you?

Aye. I was living ance, but I'm dead now.

The following epitaph, in Bideford church-yard, Devon, is of the Hudibrastic kind--

The wedding-day appointed was,
And wedding clothes provided,
But ere that day did come, alas!
He sicken'd, and he die did.
But this is perhaps exceeded by a coup-
let in the church-yard of Seven-Oaks,
Kent---

Grim death took me without any warning,
I was well at night, and dead at nine in the

morning.

The beauty of the Alexandrine will not escape the classical reader.

In West Grinstead church-yard, Sussex, is one of a different description-

Vast strong was I, but yet did dye,
And in my grave asleep I lyc;
My grave is steaned round about,
Yet I hope the Lord will find me out.

Of the epigrammatic kind, I think the following, which is to be found in North Leach church, Gloucestershire, on a person of the name of STONE, is entiiled to the praise of neatness--

Jerusalem's curse was ne'er fulfill'd in me, For here a stone upon a Stone you see.

I shall only trouble you with two more: one is on a stone in Leominster church-yard-

By my first husband here I lie,
So may the second when he die.

The other is an epitaph made by a husband, on the decease of his second wife, who happened to be interred immediately adjoining his former one, and is copied from a stone in a church-yard in the county of Kent--

Here lies the body of Sarah Sexton,
Who was a good one, ard never vex'd one;
I can't say that for her at the next stone.

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And mournful hue; and the rough briar had stretched

His straggling arms across the river, and Lay like an armed sentinel there, catching, With his tenacious leaf, straws, withered boughs,

Moss that the banks had lost, coarse grasses which

Swam with the current, and with these it hid

The poor Marcelia's death-bed.▬▬▬Never may yet

Of venturous fisher be cast in with hope, For not a fish abides there-the slim deer Snorts as he ruffles with his shorten'd breath The brook, and, panting, flies the unholy place;

And the white heifer lows and passes on; The foaming hound lags not, and winter birds

Go higher up the stream

love

And yet I

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house of Mr. Gilbert Pickering, his brother-in-law, (but of a different religion, as a true Protestant) suddenly whipped out his sword, and in merriment made many offers therewith at the heads, necks, and sides, of many gentlemen and gentlewomen then in the company, This then was taken as a mere frolic, and for the present passed accordingly; but afterwards, when the treason was discovered, such as remembered his gestures, thought thereby he did act what he intended to do, (if the plot had took effect) hack and hew, kill and slay, all eminent persons of a different religion from themselves.-Fuller's Church History.

BURNING OF HERETICS.- Indeed such burning of heretics much startled common people, pitying all in pain, and prone to asperse justice itself with cruelty, because of the novelty and hideousness of the punishment. And

the purblind eyes of vulgar judgments looked only at what was next to them, (the suffering itself) which they beheld with compassion, not minding the demerit of the guilt which deserved the same. Besides, such being unable to distinguish betwixt constancy and obstinacy, were ready to entertain good thoughts even of the opinions of those heretics, who sealed them so manfully with their blood. Wherefore King James (the First) politickly preferred, that heretics hereafter,* thus condemned, should silently and privately waste them

Positively one is at a loss which to admire most in this passage; the tender mercies of the King, or the regretful look which this old Divine seems to have cast back upon the extinguished fires of Smithfield. Through all the coyness of the confession, and the little more than hints which he broaches on this delicate subject, it is easy to discover, that those smothered brands had left as strong a relish and savor of fire in his nostrils, as the odour of the .old fleshpots did upon the palates of the rebellious manna-sick Jews. He would fain be blowing up the dead coals again, though he offers at it reluctantly, and lights the pyre (as the ancients did in their funeral rites) with averted eyes. Yet Fuller appears to have been a humane kind-hearted man; (where heretics were not concerned) and could see the enormity of " hacking and hewing" "killing and slaying" persons of opposite faith," when that faith was

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an his own.

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SIR, As your Magazine is always ready to render assistance to the distressed, I hope it will not be trespassing too much upon your columns, to insert the following unfortunate circumstance, which may probably prove a useful hint to that part of your fair perusers who are extravagantly fond of the present AngloGallic mode of dressing.

When leaning over the door of my pew at church on Sunday last, two elegant females, dressed in the height of French fashion, came down the aisle, and in consequence of some obstruction, could not immediately procure seats. To my great mortification they placed themselves so close to me, that one of the feathers in the bonnet of the shortest lady completely covered the surface of my prayerbook, (12mo. size) and totally concealed it from my sight. This would not have been of any great consequence, had not the other lady, at the same moment, turned her head in such a direction, that in articulating the words O Lord! she forced her feather directly into my mouth. The tickling and unpleasant sensation occasioned by this unexpected attack, produced such a fit of spitting and coughing, in endeavouring to disengage the feathers from the roof and sides of my mouth, to which they adhered very closely, that I unconsciously bit the feather with my teeth; and, to add to my dilemma, before I could recover myself, a Gentleman opposite invited the Ladies into his pew, and thereby left the feather suspended from my mouth. The confusion that now overwhelmed me may be more easily guessed than described, and which did not fail to distend the muscles of those who were the most devoutly engaged.To finish my misfortune, the Lady afterwards insisted upon my giving my name, and of my making an apology for my

unmannerly behaviour. This I have done; but not being yet able to appease her anger, we have both agreed to refer the matter to your superior judgment; and I earnestly request advice of what course I am to pursue, to overcome the inveterate and insurmountable displeasure of the said Lady.

If the foregoing should ever prove of benefit to any of my fellow-creatures, in enabling them to avoid similar disasters, it will fully compensate for all the anxiety and uneasiness it has occasioned. Sir, your constant reader,

RURAL FELICITY.

MORES.

Letter from the late Sir J. Dalrymple, Bart. to the late Admiral Dalrymple.

Cranston, Jan. I, 1792.

MY DEAR SIR,-Your shirts are safe. I have made many attempts upon them, but Bess, who has in honesty what she wants in temper, keeps them in safety for you.

You ask me what I have been doing? To the best of my memory, what has passed since I came home is as follows:

Finding the roof bad, I sent slaters, at the peril of their necks, to repair it. They mended three holes, and made thirty themselves.

I pulled down as many walls round the house as would have fortified a town. This was in summer; but, now that winter is come, I would give all the money to put them up again that it cost me to take them down.

I thought it would give a magnificent air to the hall to throw the passage into it. After it was done, I went out of town to see how it looked. It was night when I went into it; the wind blew out the candle, from the over-size of the room; upon which I ordered the partition to be built up again, that I might not die of cold in the midst of

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thumb in felling a tree. But this pleasure was soon allayed, when, upon examining his measure, I found that he had measured false, and cheated me of twenty per cent.

Instead of saddle-horses, I bought mares, and had them covered with an Arabian. When I went out, some months after, to mount them, the groom told me I should kill the foals; and now I walk on foot, with the stable full of horses, unless when, with much humility, I ask to be admitted into the chaise; which is generally refused me.

Remembering with a pleasing complacency the Watcombe pigs, I paid thirty shillings for a sow with pig. My wife starved them. They ran over to a madman, Lord who distrained them for damage; and the mother, with ten helpless infants, died with bad usage.

Loving butter much, and cream more, I bought two Dutch cows, and had plenty of both. I made my wife a present of two more: she learned the way to market for their produce, and I have never got a bowl of cream since.

I made a fine haystack, but quarrelled with my wife as to the manner of drying the hay, and building the stack. The haystack took fire, by which I had the double mortification of losing my hay, and finding my wife had more sense than myself.

I kept no plough, for which I thank my Maker, because then I must have wrote this letter from a jail.

I paid 201. for a dunghill, because I I would give any body 20s. to tell me was told it was a good thing; and now

what to do with it.

I built and stocked a pigeon-house; but the cats watch below, and the hawks hover above, and pigeon-soup, roastedpigeon, or cold pigeon pie, I have never seen since.

I fell to draining a piece of low ground behind the house; but I hit upon the tail of the rock, and drained the well of the house, by which I can get no water for my victuals.

I entered into a great project for selling lime, upon a promise from one of my own farmers to give me land of his farm; but when I went to take off my ground, he laughed, said he had

choused the lawyer, and exposed me to a dozen law suits for breach of bargains which I could not perform.

I fattened black cattle and sheep, but could not agree with the butchers about the price. From mere economy ate them ourselves, and almost killed all the family with surfeits.

We

I brewed much beer, but the small turned sour, and the servants drank all the strong.

I found a ghost in the house, whose name was M'Alister, a pedlar, that had been killed in one of the rooms at the top of the house two centuries ago. No servant would go an errand after the sun was set, for fear of M'Alister, which obliged me to send off one set of my servants. Soon after, the housekeeper, your old friend Mrs. Brown, died, aged ninety; and then the belief ran, that another ghost was in the house, upon which many of the new set of servants begged leave to quit the house, and got it.

In one thing only I have succeeded :— I have quarrelled with all my neighbours; so that, with a dozen gentlemen's seats in my view, I stalk along like a lion in a desert.

I thought I should have been happy with my tenants, because I could be insolent to them without their being insolent to me; but they paid me no rent, and in a few days I shall have above one half of the very few friends I have in the country in a prison.

Such being the pleasures of a country life, I intend to quit them all in about a month, to submit to the mortification of spending the spring in London, where I am happy to hear that Mrs. Dalrymple is doing well. May God preserve her long to you, for she is a fine creature.

Just when I was going to you last spring, I received a letter from Bess, that she was dying. I put off my journey to Watcombe, and almost killed myself with posting to Scotland, where I found Madam in perfect good health.

Your's always, my dear Jack,
JOHN DALRYMPLE.

Impromptus.

ON SIR RICHARD STEELE. Tho' sprung from the clever Sir Richard this man may be,

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For the Apartment in Chepstow Castle, where Henry Marten, the Regicide, was imprisoned Thirty Years. By ROBERT Southey, Esq. Poet-Laureate.

For thirty years secluded from mankind, Here Marten linger'd. Often have these walls

He paced around his prison: not to him
Echoed his footsteps, as with even tread
Did Nature's fair varieties exist;
He never saw the Sun's delightful beams,
Save when thro' yon high bars it pour'd a
sad

And broken splendour. Dost thou ask his crime?

He had rebell'd against the King, and sat Shaped goodliest plans of happiness on In judgment on him; for his ardent mind earth,

And peace and liberty. Wild dreams! But such

As Plato lov'd; such as with holy zeal
Our Milton worshipp'd. Blessed hopes!

awhile

From man withheld, even to the latter days, When Christ shall come and all things be fulfill'd.

Miscellanies.

ACREBI, in his travels through Finland, relates a very curious law which prevails at Abo, which, if adopted in this country, would totally put an end to that abominable traffic carried on by resurrection men. It is, that the bodies of

H

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