CHAP. V. CONVICTION RENEWED. SOMETIMES the Almighty is pleased not to allow convictions to be stifled. This mercy was displayed towards Kanousky. After he had pursued his sinful career for a time, unchecked by conscience, the words hell and judgment would rush into his mind, and fill him with terror; and the idea of death would become more and more dreadful. He often said to himself, "All the people say there is a God, me know me must die, me know me a sinner. Me be told, me believe there is a hell; then me more miserable, for me know when me die me unhappy." Before his companions he appeared cheerful. However, he did not now dare to propose any sinful pleasure. Inwardly he was torn with remorse for the past, and with dreadful apprehensions of the future; when he found himself alone he would frequently utter these words: "O me, unhappy Kanousky; me know me be sinner, great sinner, O miserable me! What shall me do? Massa say me no sinner, and yet me think me sinner. Yet why should me be unhappy? Massa and servants be no unhappy. But me have something in my heart, me cannot be quiet, and that tell me me be miserable, that me must be unhappy when me die." Often when he poured forth these expressions of his tortured heart, he would cast himself upon the ground in an agony of tears, and almost sink into despair. How pitiable was the state of this poor youth, he had heard that which made him miserable; he had, as yet, no comforter. He dared not apply to those around him for counsel, for they derided him, whenever he entered upon the solemn subjects of death and judgment. To please them he had attempted to stifle conviction; but he could succeed only for a time, and now the flame within him burst forth with greater heat. Sleep but seldom visited his eyes, he became almost a stranger to the quiet it affords, except when exhausted nature sunk itself into slumbers. As he lay sleepless one night, he for the first time remembered, that the minister whom he had heard preach, told his hearers to seek mercy of God. Kanousky remembered too, that the minister poke to God, though God did not seem present: he felt encouraged from these recollections, to pray for mercy, and accordingly the greater part of the night he kept fervently supplicating, "God have mercy upon me; I do not see you, but you see and hear me; God have mercy upon me." When he arose he felt comforted. Throughout the day, when alone, he still prayed, "God have mercy upon me." This was the substance of his prayer for many months, and he always felt his mind calmed, and in a measure comforted, whenever he used these words. His fellow servants saw there was a change in him, for he avoided every thing that Ꭰ |