Host. Where is your yeoman? Is it a lusty yeoman? will a' stand to't? Fang. Sirrah, where's Snare? Host. O lord, ay: good master Snare. Fang. Snare, we must arrest sir John Falstaff. Snare. It may chance cost some of us our lives, for he will stab. Host. Alas the day! take heed of him; he stabbed me in mine own house, and that most beastly: in good faith, a' cares not what mischief he doth, if his weapon be out: he will foin like any devil; he will spare neither man, woman, nor child. Fang. If I can close with him, I care not for his thrust. Host. No, nor Ineither: I'll be at your elbow. Fang. An I but fist him once; an a' come but within my vice; Ch. Just. For what sum? Host. It is more than for some, my lord; it is for all, all I have: he hath eaten me out of house and home; he hath put all my substance into that fat belly of his but I will have some of it out again, or I'll, ride thee o'nights, like the mare. - Fal. I think, I am as like to ride the mare, if I have any vantage of ground to get up. Ch. Just. How comes this, sir John? Fye! what man of good temper would endure this tempest of exclamation? Are you not ashamed, to enforce a poor widow to so rough a course to come by her own? Fal. What is the gross sum that I owe thee? Host. Marry, if thou wert an honest man, thyself, and thy money too. Thou didst swear to me upon a a parcel-gilt goblet, sitting in my Dolphin-chamber, at the round table, by a seacoal fire, upon Wednesday in Whitsun-week, when the prince broke thy head for liking his father to a singing-man of Windsor; thou didst swear to me then, as I was washing Host. I am undone by his going; I warrant you, he's thy wound, to marry me, and make me my lady, thy an infinitive thing upon my score: - good master wife. Canst thou deny it? Did not goodwife Keech, Fang, hold him sure; good master Snare, let him the butcher's wife, come in then, and call me gossip not 'scape. He comes continuantly to Pie-corner, Quickly? coming in to borrow a mess of vinegar; tel(saving your manhoods,) to buy a saddle; and he's in-ling us, she had a good dish of prawns; whereby dited to dinner to the lubbar's head inLumbert-street, thou didst desire to eat some; whereby I told thee, to master Smooth's the silkman: I pray ye, since my they were ill for a green wound? And didst thou not, exion is entered, and my case so openly known to the world, let him be brought in to his answer. A hundred mark is a long loan for a poor lone woman to bear: and I have borne, and borne, and borne; and have been fubbed off, and fubbed off, and fubbed off, from this day to that day, that it is a shame to be thought on. There is no honesty in such dealing; unless a woman should be made an ass, and a beast, to bear every Enter Sir JOHN FALSTAFF, Page, and BARDOLPH. Yonder he comes; and that arrant malmsey-nose knave, Bardolph, with him. Do your offices, do your offices, master Fang, and master Snare; do me, do me, do me your offices. Fal. How now? whose mare's dead? what's the Fang. Sir John, I arrest you at the suit of mistress Fal. Away, varlets! - Draw, Bardolph; cut me off the channel. Wilt thou? wilt thou? thou bastardly Host. Good people, bring a rescue or two. Thou wo't, wo't thou? thou wo't, wo't thou? do, do, thou rogue! do, thou hemp-seed! Fal. Away, you scullion! you rampallian! you fus- Enter the Lord Chief Justice, attended. Ch. Just. How now, sir John? what, are you brawl- when she was gone down stairs, desire me to be no more so familiarity with such poor people; saying, that ere long they should call me madam? And didst thou not kiss me, and bid me fetch thee thirty shillings? I put thee now to thy book-oath; deny it, if thou canst. Doth this become your place, your time, and business? Fal. My lord, this is a poor mad soul; and she says, up and down the town, that her eldest son is like you: she hath been in good case, and, the truth is, poverty hath distracted her. But for these foolish officers, I beseech you, I may have redress against them. Ch. Just. Sir John, sir John, I am well acquainted with your manner of wrenching the true cause the false way. It is not a confident brow, nor the throng of words, that come with such more than impudent sauciness from you, can thrust me from a level consideration; you have, as it appears to me, practised upon the easy-yielding spirit of this woman, and made her serve your uses both in purse and person. Host. Yea, in troth, my lord. sneap Ch. Just. Pr'ythee, peace!-Pay her the debt you owe her, and unpay the villainy you have done with her; the one you may do with sterling money, and the other with current repentance. Fal. My lord, I will not undergo this without reply. You call honourable boldness, impudent sauciness: if a man will make court'sy, and say nothing, he is virtuous. No, my lord, my humble duty remembered, I will not be your suitor; I say to you, I do desire deliverance from these officers, being upon hasty employment in the king's affairs. Ch. Just. You speak as having power to do wrong but answer in the effect of your reputation, and satisfy the poor woman. Fal. Come hither, hostess! [Taking her aside. Enter Gower. -- come, no more words Host. O my most worshipful lord, an't please your Host. By this heavenly ground I tread on, I must be grace, I am a poor widow of Eastcheap,and he is arrest-fain to pawn both my plate, and the tapestry of my ed at my suit. dining-chambers. Fal. Glasses, glasses, is the only drinking: and for use?-but that, the tennis-court keeper knows better thy walls, -a pretty slight drollery, or the story of than I: for it is a low ebb of linen with thee, when thou the prodigal or the German hunting in water-work, keepest not racket there; as thou hast not done a great is worth a thousand of these bed-hangings, and these while, because the rest of thy low-countries have made fly-bitten tapestries. Let it be ten pound, if thou a shift to eat up thy holland: and God knows, whecanst. Come, an it were not for thy humours, there ther those, that bawl out the ruins of thy linen, shall is not a better wench in England. Go, wash thy face, inherit his kingdom: but the midwives say, the chiland 'draw thy action. Come, thou must not be in this dren are not in the fault; whereupon the world increashumour with me; dost not know me? Come, come, es, and kindreds are mightily strengthened. I know thou wast set on to this. Poins. How ill it follows, after you have laboured so hard, you should talk so idly? Tell me,how many good young princes would do so, their fathers being so sick as yours at this time is? Host. Pray thee, sir John, let it be but twenty nobles; i'faith I am loath to pawn my plate, in good earnest, la. Fal. Let it alone; I'll make other shift: you'll be a fool still. Host. Well, you shall have it, though I pawn my gown. I hope, you'll come to supper: you'll pay me all together? Fal. Will I live? Go, with her, with her; [To Fal. No more words: let's have her. [Exeunt Hostess, Bardolph, Officers, indeed too. Ch. Just. I have heard better news. Fal. What's the news, my good lord? Gow. At Basingstoke, my lord. Poins. Very hardly, upon such a subject. P. Hen. By this hand, thou think'st me as far in the devil's book, as thou, and Falstaff, for obduracy and persistency: let the end try the man. But I tell thee, my heart bleeds inwardly, that my father is so Fal. I hope, my lord, all's well. What's the news, sick and keeping such vile company as thou art,hath my lord? Ch. Just. Come all his forces back? Gow. No; fifteen hundred foot, five hundred horse, Ch. Just. What's the matter? Fal. Master Gower, shall I entreat you with me to dinner? Gow. I must wait upon my good lord here; I thank you, good Sir John, Ch. Just. Sir John, you loiter here too long, being you are to take soldiers up in counties as you go. Fal. Will you sup with me, master Gower? Ch. Just. What foolish master taught you these manners, sir John? Fal. Master Gower, if they become me not, he was a fool that taught them me.-This is the right fencing grace, my lord; tap for tap, and so part fair. Ch. Just. Now the Lord lighten thee! thou art a great fool. [Exeunt. SCENE II. The same. Another street. P. Hen. 'Faith, it does me; though it discolours the P. Hen. Belike then, my appetite was not princely got; for,by my troth, I do now remember the poor creature, small beer. But, indeed, these humble considerations make me out of love with my greatness. What a disgrace is it to me to remember thy name? or to know thy face to-morrow? or to take note how many pair of silk stockings thou hast ;viz. these, and those that were the peach-coloured ones? or to bear the inventory of thy shirts; as, one for superfluity, and one other for in reason taken from me all ostentation of sorrow. Poins. The reason? P. Hen. What would'st thou think of me, if I should weep? Poins. I would think thee a most princely hypocrite. P. Hen. It would be every man's thought: and thou art a blessed fellow, to think as every man thinks; never a man's thought in the world keeps the roadway better than thine: every man would think me an hypocrite indeed. And what accites your most worshipful thought, to think so? Poins. Why, because you have been so lewd, and Poins. By this light, I am well spoken of, I can hear it with my own ears: the worst that they can say of me is, that I am a second brother, and that I am a proper fellow of my hands; and those two things, I confess, I cannot help. By the mass, here comes Bardolph. P. Hen. And the boy that I gave Falstaff: he had him from me christian; and look, if the fat villain have not transformed him ape. Enter BARDOLPH and Page. Bard. 'Save your grace! P. Hen. And yours, most noble Bardolph! Bard. Come, you virtuous ass, [To the Page.] you bashful fool, must you be blushing? wherefore blush you now? What a maidenly man at arms are you become? Is it such a matter,to get a pottle-pot's maidenhead? Page. He called me even now, my lord, through a red lattice, and I could discern no part of his face from the window: at last, I spied his eyes; and, methought, he had made two holes in the ale-wife's new petticoat, and peeped through. P. Hen. Hath not the boy profited? Bard. Away, you whoreson upright rabbit, away! Page. Away, you rascally Althea's dream, away! P. Hen. Instruct us, boy! What dream, boy?" Page. Marry, my lord, Althea dreamed she was delivered of a fire-brand; and therefore I call him her dream. P. Hen. A crown's worth of good interpretation.-| There it is, boy. [Gives him money. Poins. O, that this good blossom could be kept from cankers! Well, there is sixpence to preserve thee. Bard. An you do not make him be hanged among you, the gallows shall have wrong. P. Hen. And how doth thy master, Bardolph ? Bard. Well, my lord. He heard of your grace's ming to town; there's a letter for you. Poins. Deliver'd with good respect.-And how doth the martlemas, your master? Bard. In bodily health, sir. Bard. I have no tongue, sir. P. Hen. How might we see Falstaff bestow himself Poins. Marry, the immortal part needs a physician: but that moves not him; though that be sick, it dies not. P. Hen. I do allow this wen to be as familiar with| me as my dog: and he holds his place; for, look you, how he writes. Poins. [Reads.] John Falstaff, knight,-Every man must know that, as oft as he has occasion to name himself. Even like those, that are kin to the king; for they never prick their finger, but they say, There is some of the king's blood spilt: How comes that? says he, that takes upon him not to conceive: the answer is as ready as a borrower's cap; I am the king's poor cousin, sir. P. Hen. Nay, they will be kin to us, or they will fetch it from Japhet. But the letter:Poins. Sir John Falstaff, knight, to the son of the king, nearest his father, Harry prince of Wales, greeting. Why, this is a certificate. P. Hen. Peace! Poins. I will imitate the honourable Roman in brevity:-he sure means brevity in breath; short-winded. - I commend me to thee, I commend thee, and I leave thee. Be not too familiar with Poins; for he misuses thy favours so much, that he swears, thou art to marry his sister Nell. Repent at idle times as thou may'st, and so farewell. Thine, by yea and no, (which is as much My lord, I will steep this letter in sack, and make him eat it. P. Hen. That's to make him eat twenty of his words. But do you use me thus, Ned? must I marry your sister? SCENE III.-Warkworth. Before the castle. Enter NORTHUMBERLAND, Lady NORTHUMBERLAND, and Lady PERCY. North. I pray thee, loving wife, and gentle daughter, Give even way unto my rough affairs: Put not you on the visage of the times, And be, like them, to Percy troublesome. Lady N. I have given over, I will speak no more: Do what you will; your wisdom be your guide. North. Alas, sweet wife, my honour is at pawn; And, but my going, nothing can redeem it. Lady P. O, yet, for God's sake, go not to these wars! The time was, father, that you broke your word, When you were more endear'd to it than now; When your own Percy, when my heart's dear Harry, Threw many a northward look, to see his father Bring up his powers; but he did long in vain. Who then persuaded you to stay at home? There were two honours lost; your's, and your son's. For yours, may heavenly glory brigthen it! For his, it stuck upon him, as the sun In the grey vault of heaven: and, by his light, Did all the chivalry of England move To do brave acts; he was, indeed, the glass Wherein the noble youth did dress themselves. He had no legs, that practis'd not his gait: And speaking thick, which nature made his blemish, Became the accents of the valiant; For those, that could speak low, and tardily, Would turn their own perfection to abuse, To seem like him: so that, in speech, in gait, In diet, in affections of delight, Page. None, my lord, but old mistress Quickly, and mistress Doll Tear-sheet. P. Hen. What pagan may that be? P. Hen. Even such kin, as the parish heifers are to the town bull.- Shall we steal upon them, Ned, at supper? Poins. I am your shadow, my lord; I'll follow you. P. Hen. Sirrah, you boy,-and Bardolph;-no word to your master, that I am yet come to town. There's for your silence. In military rules, humours of blood, Fair daughter! you do draw my spirits from me, Lady P. If they get ground and vantage of the king, North. Come, come, go in with me: 'tis with my mind, But many thousand reasons hold me back : Enter two Drawers. 1 Draw. What the devil hast thou brought there? apple-Johms? thou know'st, sir John cannot endure an apple-John. 2 Draw. Mass, thou sayest true: the prince once set a dish of apple-Johns before him, and told him, there were five more sir Johns: and, putting off his hat, said, I will now take my leave of these six dry, round, old, withered knights. It angered him to the heart; but he hath forgot that. and Host. By my troth, this is the old fashion; you two never meet, but you fall to some discord: you are both, in good troth, as rheumatic as two dry toasts; you cannot one bear with another's confirmities. What the good-year! one must bear, and that must be you: [To Doll.] you are the weaker vessel, as they say, the emptier vessel. Dol. Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full hogshead? there's a whole merchant's venture of Bourdeaux stuff in him; you have not seen a hulk better stuffed in the hold. Come, I'll be friends with thee, Jack: thou art going to the wars; and whether I shall ever see thee again, or no, there is nobody cares. Re-enter Drawer. Draw. Sir, ancient Pistol's below, and would speak with you. Dil. Hang him, swaggering rascal! Let him not come hither it is the foul mouth'dst rogue in England. Ilost. If he swagger, let him not come here; no, by my faith; I must live amongst my neighbours; I'll no swaggerers: I am in good name and fame with the very best. Shut the door; - there comes no swaggerers here: I have not lived all this while, to have swaggering now:- shut the door, I pray you. Fal. Dost thou hear, hostess? Host. Pray you, pacify yourself, sir John; there comes no swaggerers here. Fal. Dost thou hear? it is mine ancient. 1 Draw. Why then, cover, and set them down Host. Tilly-fally, sir John, never tell me; your ansee if thou canst find out Sneak's noise; mistres Tear- cient swaggerer comes not in my doors. I was before sheet would fain hear some music. Despatch: The master Tisick, the deputy, the other day; and, as room where they supped, is too hot; they'll come he said to me, it was no longer ago than Wednesin straight. ---- 2 Draw. Sirrah, here will be the prince, and master Poins anon: and they will put on two of our jerkins, and aprons; and sir John must not know of it: Bardolph hath brought word. 1 Draw. By the mass, an excellent stratagem. 2 Draw. I'll see if I can find out Sneak. [Exit. Enter Hostess and DOLL TEARSHEET. Host. I'faith, sweet heart, methinks now you are in an excellent good temperality: your pulsidge beats as extraordinarily as heart would desire; and your colour, I warrant you, is as red as any rose: but, i'faith, you have drunk too much canaries; and that's a marvellous searching wine, and it perfumes the blood ere one can say, - What's this? How do you now? Dol. Better than I was. Hem. Host. Why, that's well said; a good heart's worth gold. Look, here comes sir John. here will be old utis: it will be Enter FALSTAFF, singing. Fal. When Arthur first in court-Empty the jor- - Host. Sick of a calm: yea, good sooth. Fal. So is all her sect; an they be once in a calm, they are sick. Dol. You muddy rascal, is that all the comfort you give me? Fal. You make fat rascals, mistress Doll. Fal. If the cook help to make the gluttony, you help Fal. Your brooches, pearls, and owches; for to serve bravely, is to come halting off, you know: to come off the breach with his pike bent bravely, and to surgery bravely; to venture upon the charged chambers bravely: Dol. Hang yourself, you muddy conger,hang yourself! --- day last,-Neighbour Quickly, says he;-master Dumb, our minister, was by then; -Neighbour Quickly, says he, receive those that are civil; for, saith he, you are in an ill name; now he said so, I can tell whereupon; for, says he, you are an honest woman, and well thought on; therefore take heed what guests you receive: Receive, says he, no swaggering companions. There come none here; -you would bless you to hear what he said: no, I'll no swaggerers, Fal. He's no swaggerer, hostess; a tame cheater, he; you may stroke him as gently as a puppy greyhound: he will not swagger with a Barbary hen, if her feathers turn back in any show of resistance. Call him up, drawer! Host. Cheater, call you him? I will bar no honest man my house, nor no cheater: but I do not love swaggering by my troth, I am the worse, when one says-swagger: feel, masters, how I shake; look you, I warrant you. Dol. So you do, hostess. Host. Do I? yea, in very truth, do I, an 'twere an aspen leaf: I cannot abide swaggerers. Enter PISTOL, BARDOLPH, and Page. Fal. Welcome, ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I charge you with a cup of sack: do you discharge upon mine hostess. Pist. I will discharge upon her, sir John, with two bullets. Ful. She is pistol-proof, sir; you shall hardly offend her. Host. Come, I'll drink no proofs, nor no bullets: I'll drink no more than will do me good, for no man's pleasure, I. Pist. Then to you,mistress Dorothy; I will charge you. Dol. Charge me? I scorn you, scurvy companion. What! you poor, base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen mate! Away, you mouldy rogue, away! I am meat for your raster. Pist. I know you, mistress Dorothy. away! by this wine, I'll thrust my knife in your mouldy [Drawing, and driving Pistol out. Host. Here's a goodly tumult! I'll forswear keeping house, afore I'll be in these tirrits and frights. So; murder, I warrant now. - Alas, alas! put up your naked weapons, put up your naked weapons! [Exeunt Pistol and Bardolph. Dol. Captain! thou abominable damned cheater, Dol. I pray thee, Jack, be quiet; the rascal is gone. art thou not ashamed to be called-captain? If cap-Ah, you whoreson little valiant villain, you! tains were of my mind, they would truncheon you Host. Are you not hurt i'the groin? methought, he out, for taking their names upon you before you have made a shrewd thrust at your belly. earned them. You a captain, you slave! for what? for tearing a poor whore's ruff in a bawdy-house?He a captain! Hang him, rogue! He lives upon mouldy stewed prunes, and dried cakes. A captain! these villains will make the word captain as odious as the word occupy; which was an excellent good word before it was ill sorted: therefore captains had need look to it. Re-enter Bardolph. Fal. Have you turned him out of doors? Bard. Pray thee, go down, good ancient! Pist. I'll see her damned first; -to Pluto's damned lake, to the infernal deep, with Erebus and tortures vile also. Hold hook and line, say I. Down! down, dogs! down, faitors! Have we not Hiren here? Host. Good captain Peesel, be quiet; it is very late, i'faith: I beseek you now, aggravate your choler. Pist. These be good humours, indeed! Shall packhorses, And hollow pamper'd jades of Asia, Host.By my troth, captain,these are very bitter words. Bard. Be gone, good ancient: this will grow to a brawl anon. Pist. Die men, like dogs; give crowns like pins! Have we not Hiren here? Host. O'my word, captain, there's none such here. What the good-year! do you think, I would deny her? for God's sake, be quiet. Pist. Then, feed, and be fat, my fair Calipolis:- Fal.A rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a blanket. Page. The music is come, sir. Fal. Let them play; --play, sirs. -Sit on my knee, Si fortuna me tormenta, sperato me contenta.- Dol. I'faith, and thou followedst him like a church. Thou whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar-pig, when wilt thou leave fighting o'days, and foining o'nights, and begin to patch up thine oid body for heaven? Enter behind, Prince HENRY and Poins, disguised like Drawers. Fal. Peace, good Doll! do not speak like a death's head: do not bid me remember mine end. Dol. Sirrah, what humour is the prince of? Fal. A good shallow young fellow: he would have made a good pantler, he would have chipped bread well. Dol. They say, Poins has a good wit. Fal. He a good wit? hang him, baboon! his wit is as thick as Tewksbury mustard; there is no more conceit in him, than is in a mallet. Dol. Why does the prince love him so then? Fal. Because their leg are both of a bigness: and he plays at quoits well; and eats conger and fennel; and drinks off candles' ends for flap-dragons; and rides the wild mare with the boys; and jumps upon jointCome we to full points here; and are et ceteras no-stools; and swears with a good grace; and wears his thing? Fal. Pistol, I would be quiet. seen the seven stars. Dol. Thrust him down stairs; I cannot endure such Bard. Come, get you down stairs! boot very smooth, like unto the sign of the leg; and breeds no bate with telling of discreet stories, and such other gambol faculties he hath, that show a weak mind and an able body, for the which the prince admits him: for the prince himself is such another; the weight of a hair will turn the scales between their avoir-dupois. P. Hen. Would not this nave of a wheel have his ears cut off? Poins. Let's beat him before his whore. P. Hen. Look, if the withered elder hath not his poll clawed like a parrot. Poins. Is it not strange, that desire should so many years outlive performance? Fal. Kiss me, Doll! P. Hen. Saturn and Venus this year in conjunction! says the almanac to that? what |