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Pat. Gin, I think for you, Coun- we must conciliate ; it's a rule of the seral ?
board. The Oyster-Eater. And, Pat, let me Dr Snoaker. And further, does not have brandy, as the Squireen wishes your preface state that this new trans. to treat me, and, d’ye see, mix it stiffer lation of the Scriptures “for the use than you did the last.
of Schools,” has been compiled by a Pat. The last was stiffish, sir. Protestant clergyman, “ under no pe
The Oyster-Eater. Well! the last culiar views of Christianity doctrinal but one then.
or practical?” The Half-mounted. Whiskies all Inspector. True, but nobody reads round for us, Pat--whiskies !
them-there's no harm done—it's a Pat. Immediately, gentlemen, in rule of the board. a wink.
Green Street. Hem! Ahem! Squireen. I think, gentlemen, by The Half-Mounted. Order, order the powers, somebody was knocked -hear, hear—the Counseral's song. down by myself for a song-it couldn't Dr Snoaker. Are you not repu. be me, for I'm so dry that I couldn't
“ Power Tuam," who won't turn a tune, by the powers-was it take your money, and by “ John yourself, Doctor Snoaker?
Tuam," who can't get it-by Pro. Dr Snoaker. Me, sir,-paulo ma- testant, Presbyterian, and Papist-jora—you asked the Inspector for a you teach no religion, and you have song-cuculus canorus.
only those without religion to teach Inspector. Beg pardon, but the
tene simul-Koran or Catechism, all's Counsellor was the man--live in har- one-altera quaque hora. mony with one another-excuse me Squireen. Order, order, Counseral, it's a rule of the board.
by the powers-a song! Green Street. Rule made absolute Green Street. Ahem! A-hem! -I never sing—that is to say, sel. Really 'tis too bad to force a man--If dom or ever, not often-I mean some- I must-tol lol de rol-tol lol de rol times-not just now-after the Oyster- —that's the way it goes—you know Eater.
the tune, gentlemen, and just chime Oyster-Eater. By no means, sir, I in altogether, will ye? A song without couldn't think of
chorus is likeInspector. Do oblige us--it's a rule Dr Snoaher. Have you not totally of the board—all denominations of failed to amalgamate different creeds Christians.
have you not failed in all your Dr. Snoaker. Aye, Turks, Jews shuffing, equivocating, double-faced and Arians_fiat mistura.
attempts to introduce a system of poInspector. Arians, did you say, litical Christianity “for the use of Doctor? Excuse me, it's a rule of the schools"_have you not built up the board - but the Arians, Socinians, and public money irrecoverably in sectaso forth
rian houses, and is not every school Dr Snoaher. Keep you in your where your rules are attempted to be places--and very natural for them- enforced, more like a cock-pit than a Did
you not compile a series of Scrip- place for the education of youth ? ture lessons on the principle of the The Oyster-Eater. Gentlemen, I family Shakspeare, in which all pas- was going to give an account of my sages that “ can possibly offend” birth, parentage, and Turk, Jew, Arian, or Atheist, are Green Street. Pooh! stuff - Ahem ! “purposely omitted ?" I use the words aliem! I know the law-and a cho. of your preface.
rus without a song is I mean a song Inspector. We publish, but nobody without a chorusreads them--they will keep.
Dr Snoaker. Did you not come Dr Snoaker. And do you not as. into office under a solemn declaration sure us in your preface that these se- from Lord Stanley, that your commislections, as you call them, are some. sion was gratuitous, and did not one times in the words of the“ authorized,” of your body consent to become the and sometimes of the “ Douay " ver- stipendiary of his fellow commission. sion, and sometimes " neither the one 'ers, and does he not flourish about the nor the other?”
streets of Dublin in an eleemosynary Inspector. Ambo is good Latin- equipage, provided or maintained for
him, in addition to a princely mansion come to town! I see by the Dublin out of the funds voted by Parliament Evening Hack, gentlemen, that_by for the “ Education of the poor of Ire the powersland''*— Faugh!
The Half-Mounted. A round of Green Street sings-
rums," Pat-Pat, a round of rums! “ As I was a walking,
The Oyster-Eater. I'll join you, One fine summer's morning,
gentlemen, for the honour of Antigua.
know I met a poor man'
my guage. The lives
of men eminent for their virtues have Dr Snoaker. What is your multitudinous establishment of stipendiaries Dr Snoaker, Patricius, iterumque of high and low degree, but a manu repetatur—Capiat hora somni hausfactory of sycophants? What your tus. model schools and training schools Pat. Another of the same, sir? but a monument, in cut stone, of Go- Yes, sir. vernment extravagance? What your Inspector. “One of raspberry" for system but a contrivance to serve the me, Pat-particular denomination of political uses of your party? What Christiansthe whole scheme of your commis- Squireen. Don't leave me out, Pat. sion but the working out of the de- I can't see to read, by the powers, I'm signs of your despicable faction, that so dry. is to say, making Government arbi- Dr Snoaker (reading from the Dubtrary, under pretence of making it lin Evening Hack). “ We publish this popular ?
evening the fifth letter of his Excel. Inspector. Excuse me,it's a rule lency the Lord-Lieutenant, in the case of the board-Christians of all of Chief-Constable Gruff, the facts of
Dr Snoaker. In short, do the an- which we are at the pains to repeat, nals of political profligacy furnish any fearing they may have escaped the thing like the spectacle of the crea- memories of our numerous readers. tures of a faction being tolerated to Chief-Constable Gruff, stationed with withhold the means of enlightenment his party of police in the village of from any body of tax-payers, who may Bullyraggin, encountered upon the refuse to submit their course of reli- Queen's highway certain Widow gious instruction to the surveillance Hoolaghan's pig. This aforesaid porof Commissioners like yours; who bow ker, being at large without a ring afso low in the worship of faction as fixed to the cartilage of his nose, as unanimously to recommend books to directed by proclamation, was cona Christian people, which have been strued and taken by the captain to be compiled, as they coolly assure us, a public nuisance, and was accordingly under no “ peculiar views of Chris- summarily abated by being perforated tianity, doctrinal or practical?” through the thorax with the sabre of
The Oyster-Eater. Autobiography, the captain, impelled by the captain's gentlemen, now-a-days is–
own hand. Now, her majesty's mail, Green Street. If I must sing, I passing that way about twelve o'clock really wish, Dr Snoaker, you would at night, five minutes past twelve being stop to draw breath, and let me edge her regular time at Bullyraggin, hapin a note- I'm in possession of the pened to be overturned by actual conCourt. (Sings.)
tact of the off hind-wheel with the car“ As I was a walking one".
cass of the abated porker, which re
mained upon the road, the Widow Squireen. By the powers, gentle- Hoolaghan declining to prejudice her men, here's news! The Liberator's claim to “Justice for Ireland' by tak
* Why is not the stipendiary equipage of this stipendiary Commissioner marked and numbered like other hackney carriages ? It is certainly a new item in the public expenditure ; but of these Commissioners “ for the education of the poor of Ireland,” as of the rest, matchless effrontery seems the least of their good qualities.—See Report of Committee of the House of Commons on the Irish Education Enquiry for 1837, wherein will be found an account of the equipage set up for the Stipendiary Commissioner, by his fellow Commissioners out of the funds for promoting “ the education of the poor of Ireland.”
VOL. XLV. NO. ÇCLXXIX,
ing any steps to remove the ba
" OPINION. con,' contenting herself with declaring • It is my opinion that pigs on the through the village of Bullyraggin roads are not necessarily nuisances at and suburbs that that cowardly spal- common law. But it is not so clear peen had made the sun shine through that they are not so rendered by Stat. her dumb baste,'-adding several in- 33 and 34 Geo. III., c. 109, amended timations of the deep interest she took by 34 and 35 Geo. III., c. 112, parin the spiritual welfare of the captain, tially repealed, as far as regards rings which we can very well spare the re- in noses only, by 35 and 36 Geo. III., ligious reader. The overturn of the 119, which, as Irish Acts, still reroyal mail was attended with rather main in full force and effect, except as serious consequences,“one of the out. hereinbefore excepted, unless, indeed, side passengers, no less a personage the General Turnpike Act, 9 and 10 than a bagman in the general tea-tray Geo. IV., c. 53, may be supposed to and fancy snuff box line, having his have rendered these provisions, as far thigh-bone broken, as thigh-bones in- as regards rings in noses only, void and variably are broken, if you believe the of none effect. This, however, may sufferers, in three places! Soon after be doubted.-See Laystall on Public this the Widow Hoolaghan proceeded Nuisances. by 'civil bill,' at the Quarter Sessions “* As to the summary abatement of of Bullyraggin, against Captain Gruff, this nuisance, I am clear that pigs for the value of the abated porker, on the roads may be abated, but I apwhen the case was very fully gone into prehend, not to the effusion of their by counsel on both sides, the Captain blood ; the 9 and 10 Will. IV., preproducing a bundle of testimonials to scribing exactly the legal course, to wit, the sweetness of his temper, humanity, the impoinding of the offending porkand general efficiency: but it would er, and citation of the owner to the not do; the jury, unintimidated by a nearest Court of Petit Sessions, there threat of the stipendiary to the effect to be dealt with as the law directs. that the Government would make them «« Whether the Chief.Constable is to smoke,' impudently returned a verdict be reimbursed at all, and whether by for the plaintiff, and the Court had the presentment on the county at large, or effrontery to award immediate execu- by a Treasury minute, must turn, I aption for the full amount against the prehend, principally upon the proceedbody or goods of the defendant.- ings of the Chief Constable himselfAbout this time, too,the bagman filed a very doubtful point ; for, by the late a declaration of an action of trespass Constabulary Act, 8 and 9 Will. IV., in the Court of Common Pleas against c. 96, it may reasonably be doubted the mail-coach contractors, who wrote whether the Chief-Constable is altoto complain of the police--the police gether, or at all, of the civil force, or to complain of the Widow Hoolaghan posse comitatus, or rather a military -the barrister to complain of the sti- servant of the Crown • functus officio.' pendiary--the stipendiary to complain Now, the riot act not having, as I conof the verdict--and Chief-Constable ceive, been read, nor the porker reGruff to demand reimbursement and quired in due form of law, reasonable to complain of every body. We state grace being allowed for that purpose, upon undoubted authority that nothing to disperse, it is a mooted point whether has been done at the Castle these six the perforation of said porker was not months, save in Gruff's case, and no- wholly illegal, no magistrate being prething to be heard there but elerk sent ! With regard to the removal of calling to clerk for copies of the cor- the bacon,' and with whom such rerespondence in the case of Hoolaghan moval ought to have rested, the books and Gruff. The law points having are obscure ; but I think it will hold, been, as usual, submitted to Counsel. that, by the act of killing, an inchoate lor Bosthroon, who fills the high office right to the carcass resulted to the killer of Attorney-General's devil-per syn. -a contingent remainder resultantcope the divel,' that infernal the act is cloarly trammelled with its functionary delivered the subjoined consequences ; or, as the sound maxim opinion, which, we are credibly in. of the law hath it,' qui facit ille capit.' formed, is the admiration of the whole Vide Russell on Crimes. It is clear that profession, not less for its lucidity of if the widow Hoolaglians had viciously style, than for its soundness, legal acu- intromitted,' to borrow a term of Scotmen, and research;
tish law in the premises,' another
view might be taken of this intricate ters with his own stipendiary offspring, case ; as it is, I think it rests with the through the medium of the newspaChief-Constable to shew that the dis- pers, must impress the nation at large charge of his duty, quasi duty, was ef- with a deep sense of the blessipgs they fectively directed to the abatement of enjoy under a rule, at once so respectthe nuisance, quasi nuisance. But it able and so capable of making itself was clearly not so directed, for the respected. For our own parts, we puisance might have been abated by throw ourselves upon the benevolence Hoolaghan, or it might have abated of our readers our patience is quite itself; but this power of self-abatement exhausted—and although our position no longer rested with the nuisance, the as editor of the blin Evening Hack, same being, as it appears, perforated compels us to an insertion of His Exthrough the thorax, and being cer- cellency's long-winded rigmaroles in tainly dead in fact, and probably in our independent columns, we at once law.
confess ourselves heartily sick of the “ Under all the circumstances, porker, His Excellency, and Chieftherefore, I am clearly of opinion that Constable Gruff.*** the result of an appeal against the ver
Green Street. Sick of the pordict of the Quarter Sessions, in favour ker--well we may. For my part, I of the widow Hoolaghan, may be think if somebody would favour us doubtful, though I am also clearly of with a songopinion that it may not.'
Oyster-Eater. As I was going to (Signed) «« P. Bosthroon.' say, I was born, gentlemen, in the
year “ Such is a concise statement of the Dr Snogker. The hankering after case as it stood at the commencement newspaper notoriety, exhibited in this of the paper war in which His Excel- correspondence, is of no sort of conselency has thought it due to the digni- quence, as it affects only the individual; ty of his high office to engage with but it is quite a different thing when Chief-Constable Gruff, and which is employed in writing at the nobility still continued with various success, to and gentry of a great country, who the great entertainment of the news- may request protection for their propapers, the vast majority of whom, we perties and lives from the attacks of
to say, prefer the florid co- the midnight marauder, and mid-day piousness of His Excellency's style, to assassin. Thesethe less ornate but more intelligible Inspector. Keep perpetually bring. diction of Captain Gruff.
ing up hot water, Pat-it's a rule of " Whether the correspondence will the board. ever terminate, and whether the re- Dr Snoaker. These unfortunate sult will be the dismissal of his Excel- persons, even though they may not lency, or of Chief-Constable Gruff, it choose to be identified politically or is not for us, but for the legislature, socially with the Irish Executive, have to determine; already his Excellency some claim to sympathy, if not to prohas consumed four letters in an at- tection—and their supplications for tempt to prove that the perforation of succour need not be refused in a hecthe porker by Chief-Constable Gruff toring, lecturing rodomantade, but was premature, and exhibited wint of be self-command and discretion Cap- Squireen. Pat, don't put too much tain Gruff, on the contrary, has con- lemon-by the powers ! -- I can't hear cluded with the third epistle, his iro- a word, by the
I'm so dry. nical tirade of compliments to His Dr Snoaker. Be declined, if deExcellency upon his discretion and clined they must be, with a show, at sound sense.
least, of courtesy and decorum. " Whatever may be the conclusion, Green Street. Dr Şnoaker, you are the correspondence must do good intolerable - I really wish there the spectacle of a Chief Governor en- was a perforation of your thorax, by gaged in bandying recriminatory let. which your breath might escape, un
* Chief-Constable Gruff, we perceive, has been dismissed at last, and we hope shortly to congratulate the readers of the Dublin Evening Hack on the dismissal of the other party to this very creditable and dignified correspondence.
inundated with that torrent of sounds
REFLECTION. you use, to delude your hearers into a "Tis a necessary caution in all prebelief that you are making a speech. ferments that they be placed on fit
Dr Snoaker. I say nothing of the men, for the right motives and for the social degradation of the Castle right ends. The advancing of a fana puppet-show may be a very good tastical fool or lapwing, reflects upon puppet-show, but people may not the raiser of him, for 'tis an ill sign, choose to go to see it necessity the very liking of a frivolous man, is the mother of invention and and implies at least a tacit approbaballad-singers, for all I know, may be tion of the officer's defects. The prevery good company. That is a mat- ferring of people, indeed, to honourter of taste. Seribbling at the gentry able charges and commissions, withof the country, however, is
out either brains, fortune, or merit, Inspector. Don't speak so plain, may be so far reputed a great work, Doctor it's a rule of the board. as the making of something out of An allegory, now, or a fable, is the nothing seems to be next door to a delicate way of conveying instruction creation; but the character, at least, to high official personages—in this will not secure the person so dignified way the Grand Vizier Atalmuc was from secret envy and open contempt. rebuked by his faithful secretary, An ill reason in fine, for an ill choice Zeangir - we publish fables is worse than no reason at all: will it's a rule of the board. I'll give and pleasure is the only true plea this you a specimen :
case will bear, for the authority of
the eagle herself, we see, was not sufTHE FABLE OF THE LAPWING ficient to vindicate a worthless minion
from reproach and scorn Upon a general invitation to the eagle's wedding, there were several Squireen. That's a dry fable, by birds of quality among the rest, that the powers. By the powers, I'm dry took it in heavy dudgeon to see a myself - Pat! lapwing placed at the upper end of Dr Snoaker. The fable is not a bad the table. 'Tis true, they cried, he one, although quaint. I would venhas a kind of a coxcomb upon the ture to recommend it to His Excel. crown of him, and a few tawdry fea. lency's notice the next time he steps thers, but, alas, he never eat a good out of his office to inform the nobility meal's meat in his life till he came to and gentry of Ireland, among other this preferment.
sublime discoveries, “ that property
has its duties as well as its rights. 'Tis a scandal to Government, and Oyster-Eater. A truism which it is there goes envy along with it, when not His Excellency's good fortune to honours are conferred upon men for be able to confirm, to any extent, from other causes than for their good quali. his own experience. ties and virtues.
FASCICULUS THE SECOND.
"I was taken before the next justice of the peace, and desired to give an account of myself. Ac. cordingly, I commenced to state as well as I could recollect the whole history of my birth, parentage, and education, when the magistrate interrupted me, saying that my account was no account at all, and that he had made up his mind to grant my mittimus. Accordingly, I was committed to jail, tried as a vagrant, found guilty of being poor, and shipped off to the plantations."-GOLDSMITH.
Autobiography, gentlemen, is, next ficient consequence, that is to say, in to books of travels, the regular thing short, every man who can write his now-a-days. Nothing else will serve own name," but to exhibit his
“sayany man who “thinks himself of suf- ings and doings,” in two volumes,
See His Excellency's last rigmarole but one, to the Lord Lieutenant and Magistrates of the County Tipperary, which was followed, as a natural consequence, by the bloody commentary of the assassination in open day, of the unfortunate Mr O'Keefe, who doubtless would have been alive and well
, if the memorial of the Lord Lieutenant aud gentry of the county had been complied with.