Dr Snoaker. What is your multitudinous establishment of stipendiaries of high and low degree, but a manufactory of sycophants? What your model schools and training schools but a monument, in cut stone, of Government extravagance? What your system but a contrivance to serve the political uses of your party? What the whole scheme of your commission but the working out of the designs of your despicable faction, that is to say, making Government arbitrary, under pretence of making it popular?

Inspector. Excuse me-it's a rule of the board-Christians of all——

Dr Snoaker. In short, do the annals of political profligacy furnish any thing like the spectacle of the creatures of a faction being tolerated to withhold the means of enlightenment from any body of tax-payers, who may refuse to submit their course of religious instruction to the surveillance of Commissioners like yours; who bow so low in the worship of faction as unanimously to recommend books to a Christian people, which have been compiled, as they coolly assure us, under no "peculiar views of Christianity, doctrinal or practical?”

The Oyster-Eater. Autobiography, gentlemen, now-a-days is

Green Street. If I must sing, I really wish, Dr Snoaker, you would stop to draw breath, and let me edge in a note-I'm in possession of the Court. (Sings.)

"As I was a walking one". Squireen. By the powers, gentlemen, here's news! The Liberator's

come to town! I see by the Dublin Evening Hack, gentlemen, that-by the powers

The Half-Mounted. A round of "rums," Pat-Pat, a round of rums!

The Oyster-Eater. I'll join you, gentlemen, for the honour of Antigua. Pat, you know my guage. The lives of men eminent for their virtues have

ever

Dr Snoaker. Patricius, iterumque repetatur Capiat hora somni haustus.

Pat. Another of the same, sir? Yes, sir.

Inspector. "One of raspberry" for me, Pat-particular denomination of Christians

Squireen. Don't leave me out, Pat. I can't see to read, by the powers, I'm so dry.

Dr Snoaker (reading from the Dublin Evening Hach). "We publish this evening the fifth letter of his Excellency the Lord-Lieutenant, in the case of Chief-Constable Gruff, the facts of which we are at the pains to repeat, fearing they may have escaped the memories of our numerous readers. Chief-Constable Gruff, stationed with his party of police in the village of Bullyraggin, encountered upon the Queen's highway a certain Widow Hoolaghan's pig. This aforesaid porker, being at large without a ring affixed to the cartilage of his nose, as directed by proclamation, was construed and taken by the captain to be a public nuisance, and was accordingly summarily abated by being perforated through the thorax with the sabre of the captain, impelled by the captain's own hand. Now, her majesty's mail, passing that way about twelve o'clock at night, five minutes past twelve being her regular time at Bullyraggin, happened to be overturned by actual contact of the off hind-wheel with the carcass of the abated porker, which remained upon the road, the Widow Hoolaghan declining to prejudice her claim to Justice for Ireland' by tak

VOL. XLV. NO. CCLXXIX,

D

ing any steps to remove the bacon,' contenting herself with declaring through the village of Bullyraggin and suburbs that that cowardly spalpeen had made the sun shine through her dumb baste,'-adding several intimations of the deep interest she took in the spiritual welfare of the captain, which we can very well spare the religious reader. The overturn of the royal mail was attended with rather serious consequences,-one of the outside passengers, no less a personage than a bagman in the general tea-tray and fancy snuff-box line, having his thigh-bone broken, as thigh-bones invariably are broken, if you believe the sufferers, in three places! Soon after this the Widow Hoolaghan proceeded by 'civil bill,' at the Quarter Sessions of Bullyraggin, against Captain Gruff, for the value of the abated porker, when the case was very fully gone into by counsel on both sides, the Captain producing a bundle of testimonials to the sweetness of his temper, humanity, and general efficiency: but it would not do; the jury, unintimidated by a threat of the stipendiary to the effect that the Government would make them 'smoke,' impudently returned a verdict for the plaintiff, and the Court had the effrontery to award immediate execution for the full amount against the body or goods of the defendant. About this time, too,the bagman filed a declaration of an action of trespass in the Court of Common Pleas against the mail-coach contractors, who wrote to complain of the police-the police to complain of the Widow Hoolaghan -the barrister to complain of the stipendiary the stipendiary to complain of the verdict and Chief-Constable Gruff to demand reimbursement and to complain of every body. We state upon undoubted authority that nothing has been done at the Castle these six months, save in Gruff's case, and nothing to be heard there but clerk calling to clerk for copies of the correspondence in the case of Hoolaghan and Gruff. The law points having been, as usual, submitted to Counsellor Bosthroon, who fills the high office of Attorney-General's devil-per syncope the divel,' that infernal functionary delivered the subjoined opinion, which, we are eredibly informed, is the admiration of the whole profession, not less for its lucidity of style, than for its soundness, legal acumen, and research :

OPINION.

" It is my opinion that pigs on the roads are not necessarily nuisances at common law. But it is not so clear that they are not so rendered by Stat. 33 and 34 Geo. III., c. 109, amended by 34 and 35 Geo. III., c. 112, partially repealed, as far as regards rings in noses only, by 35 and 36 Geo. III., e. 119, which, as Irish Acts, still remain in full force and effect, except as hereinbefore excepted, unless, indeed, the General Turnpike Act, 9 and 10 Geo. IV., c. 53, may be supposed to have rendered these provisions, as far as regards rings in noses only, void and of none effect. This, however, may be doubted.-See Laystall on Public Nuisances.

"As to the summary abatement of this nuisance, I am clear that pigs on the roads may be abated, but I apprehend, not to the effusion of their blood; the 9 and 10 Will. IV., prescribing exactly the legal course, to wit, the impoinding of the offending porker, and citation of the owner to the nearest Court of Petit Sessions, there to be dealt with as the law directs.

"Whether the Chief-Constable is to be reimbursed at all, and whether by presentment on the county at large, or by a Treasury minute, must turn, I apprehend, principally upon the proceedings of the Chief Constable himself— a very doubtful point; for, by the late Constabulary Act, 8 and 9 Will. IV., c. 96, it may reasonably be doubted whether the Chief-Constable is altogether, or at all, of the civil force, or posse comitatus, or rather a military servant of the Crown functus officio.' Now, the riot act not having, as I conceive, been read, nor the porker required in due form of law, reasonable grace being allowed for that purpose, to disperse, it is a mooted point whether the perforation of said porker was not wholly illegal, no magistrate being present! With regard to the removal of the bacon,' and with whom such removal ought to have rested, the books are obscure; but I think it will hold, that, by the act of killing, an inchoate right to the carcass resulted to the killer -a contingent remainder resultantthe act is clearly trammelled with its consequences; or, as the sound maxim of the law hath it,' qui facit ille capit.'Vide Russell on Crimes. It is clear that if the widow Hoolaghan had viciously intromitted,' to borrow a term of Scottish law in the premises, another

view might be taken of this intricate case; as it is, I think it rests with the Chief-Constable to shew that the discharge of his duty, quasi duty, was effectively directed to the abatement of the nuisance, quasi nuisance. But it was clearly not so directed, for the nuisance might have been abated by Hoolaghan, or it might have abated itself; but this power of self-abatement no longer rested with the nuisance, the same being, as it appears, perforated through the thorax, and being certainly dead in fact, and probably in law.

"Under all the circumstances, therefore, I am clearly of opinion that the result of an appeal against the verdict of the Quarter Sessions, in favour of the widow Hoolaghan, may be doubtful, though I am also clearly of opinion that it may not.'

6

(Signed)" P. BOSTHROON.'

"Such is a concise statement of the case as it stood at the commencement of the paper war in which His Excellency has thought it due to the dignity of his high office to engage with Chief-Constable Gruff, and which is still continued with various success, to the great entertainment of the newspapers, the vast majority of whom, we are proud to say, prefer the florid copiousness of His Excellency's style, to the less ornate but more intelligible diction of Captain Gruff.

"Whether the correspondence will ever terminate, and whether the result will be the dismissal of his Excellency, or of Chief-Constable Gruff, it is not for us, but for the legislature, to determine; already his Excellency has consumed four letters in an attempt to prove that the perforation of the porker by Chief-Constable Gruff was premature, and exhibited want of self-command and discretion. Captain Gruff, on the contrary, has concluded with the third epistle, his ironical tirade of compliments to His Excellency upon his discretion and sound sense.

"Whatever may be the conclusion, the correspondence must do good the spectacle of a Chief Governor engaged in bandying recriminatory let

ters with his own stipendiary offspring, through the medium of the newspapers, must impress the nation at large with a deep sense of the blessings they enjoy under a rule, at once so respectable and so capable of making itself respected. For our own parts, we throw ourselves upon the benevolence of our readers-our patience is quite exhausted-and although our position as editor of the Dublin Evening Hack, compels us to an insertion of His Excellency's long-winded rigmaroles in our independent columns, we at once confess ourselves heartily sick of the porker, His Excellency, and ChiefConstable Gruff.*"

Green Street. Sick of the porker-well we may. For my part, I think if somebody would favour us with a song

Oyster-Eater. As I was going to say, I was born, gentlemen, in the

year

Dr Snogker. The hankering after newspaper notoriety, exhibited in this correspondence, is of no sort of consequence, as it affects only the individual; but it is quite a different thing when employed in writing at the nobility and gentry of a great country, who may request protection for their properties and lives from the attacks of the midnight marauder, and mid-day assassin. These

Inspector. Keep perpetually bringing up hot water, Pat-it's a rule of the board.

Dr Snoaker. These unfortunate persons, even though they may not choose to be identified politically or socially with the Irish Executive, have some claim to sympathy, if not to protection and their supplications for succour need not be refused in a hectoring, lecturing rodomantade, but be

Squireen. Pat, don't put too much lemon-by the powers!-I can't hear a word, by the powers, I'm so dry.

Dr Snoaker. Be declined, if declined they must be, with a show, at least, of courtesy and decorum.

Green Street. Dr Snoaker, you are intolerable I really wish there was a perforation of your thorax, by which your breath might escape, un

inundated with that torrent of sounds you use, to delude your hearers into a belief that you are making a speech. Dr Snoaker. I say nothing of the social degradation of the Castle a puppet-show may be a very good puppet-show, but people may not choose to go to see it necessity is the mother of invention and ballad-singers, for all I know, may be very good company. That is a matter of taste. Scribbling at the gentry of the country, however, is

Inspector. Don't speak so plain, Doctor it's a rule of the board. An allegory, now, or a fable, is the delicate way of conveying instruction to high official personages-in this way the Grand Vizier Atalmuc was rebuked by his faithful secretary, Zeangir we publish fables

it's a rule of the board. I'll give you a specimen :

THE FABLE OF THE LAPWING
PREFERRED.

Upon a general invitation to the eagle's wedding, there were several birds of quality among the rest, that took it in heavy dudgeon to see a lapwing placed at the upper end of the table. 'Tis true, they cried, he has a kind of a coxcomb upon the crown of him, and a few tawdry feathers, but, alas, he never eat a good meal's meat in his life till he came to this preferment.

MORAL.

'Tis a scandal to Government, and there goes envy along with it, when honours are conferred upon men for other causes than for their good qualities and virtues.

REFLECTION.

"Tis a necessary caution in all preferments that they be placed on fit men, for the right motives and for the right ends. The advancing of a fantastical fool or lapwing, reflects upon the raiser of him, for 'tis an ill sign, the very liking of a frivolous man, and implies at least a tacit approbation of the officer's defects. The preferring of people, indeed, to honourable charges and commissions, without either brains, fortune, or merit, may be so far reputed a great work, as the making of something out of nothing seems to be next door to a creation; but the character, at least, will not secure the person so dignified from secret envy and open contempt. An ill reason in fine, for an ill choice is worse than no reason at all: will and pleasure is the only true plea this case will bear, for the authority of the eagle herself, we see, was not suf ficient to vindicate a worthless minion from reproach and scorn

Squireen. That's a dry fable, by the powers. By the powers, I'm dry myself Pat!

Dr Snoaker. The fable is not a bad one, although quaint. I would venture to recommend it to His Excellency's notice the next time he steps out of his office to inform the nobility and gentry of Ireland, among other sublime discoveries, "that property has its duties as well as its rights.

Oyster-Eater. A truism which it is not His Excellency's good fortune to be able to confirm, to any extent, from his own experience.

Autobiography, gentlemen, is, next to books of travels, the regular thing now-a-days. Nothing else will serve any man who "thinks himself of suf

ficient consequence, that is to say, in short, every man who can write his own name," but to exhibit his "sayings and doings," in two volumes,