feemed to be open to receive me, the terrors of my mind was fo great, and the enmity of my heart was fo stirred up, that I was like a wild bull in a net, full of the fury and rebuke of God, Isaiah li. 20. And the anger of God was fo reflected on me, that I thought I heard Satan rufhing behind the wainscot in order to feize my foul. I generally had four fuch nights as this out of feven, infomuch that I would have given a world, if I had had it, for one hour's peace, before I funk into endless mifery; I fometimes tried to harden myfelf againft it, but the more I ftrove, the worfe I was; and, to add to my affliction, there was a great dog in a yard near to where I lodged, howling and jumping up in his chains all night long; this was having the law fent home indeed; and it was well for me that my friends were people that feared God, for if I had lived with fome folks I fhould have been put into bedlam. My having fo much terror brought my body so very low, that I felt continually as if I were dying; and I have got out of my bed five or fix times in a night to make my efcape from death, and have run into my brother's room (with whom I lodged), telling him and my fifter that I knew I was dying, till I wore out the patience of all who were about me; I have often stood by their bed-fide in all the horrors of the damned, telling them thefe were the happiest moments I fhould ever know. After going on fome time in this manner, they advifed me to come and fee you again. After much perfuafion I

confented;

confented; but you, being very bufy, could not fee me: I therefore thought God had impreffed it on your mind that I was a reprobate, and fo you would not fee me; and, though I generally heard you preach four or five fermons in a week, I was fo fwallowed up with despair that they were of no use to me. One day I heard you fay, a man in black defpair is a hell upon earth; indeed I thought you was right, for if ever there was a creature that carried hell about with him, I did; my distress caused fuch a burning heat in my face, that I thought it was fome of the fire and brimftone already kindled within me and fo dreadful was my rebellion, that I told my friends I expected to make an awful end; and had fuch conceptions of the dreadful blafphemy there was in the bottomlefs pit, that made me cry to God, that when I got there he would not permit Satan to make me blafpheme, but wished to bear my punishment without murmuring. And as I had no hope of ever being faved, I began to pray God to give me health and ftrength to get my bread; but could not pray in faith: for I knew, as I was fhut up in unbelief, I fhould run worfe into fin than ever I did.

One night I had fuch an awful view of the terrible majesty of God, that I felt as though I were lifted up in the bed, my head feemed fwelled as big as a large corn measure, and I expected to be crushed every moment like a moth; at times I have felt as though my head was faftened down to the pil

low.

low. O! what an awful distance there is betwixt a holy God and fallen finners before they are brought nigh by the precious blood of Chrift! My friends advised me to come once more to fee if I could have an opportunity of speaking to you; but I objected, faying you could be of no use to me, for I was given up to despair; at this time I could not pray, and for many days dared not approach God even upon my knees; if at any time I lifped out a petition, it was when my head was smothered up in the bed-clothes, and then I expected, as foon as it was out of my mouth, that the sword of justice would cut me down. After much persuasion I came to your house, but Mrs. Huntington told me I could not fee you, nor indeed did I wish to see you; however I plucked up my courage, and asked her, whether the reason you would not see me the last time I came, was that you had no hope of me? She feemed to be in a great agitation, and faintly anfwered, No: but I thought the faid fo left the fhould distress me. I asked further, Whether the ever knew one who had no hope, and who could not pray, ever be delivered? She replied, It was a sad state; but told me I muft look to the Lord, for there was no help to be had any where elfe. And, indeed, I could only look, figh, and groan, I could not pray nor cry; my heart was so hard I could not shed a tear if it would have faved my foul. As I thought you had no hope of me, when I was at chapel I was forced to get where you could not fee

me, fearing you would call out to me, and tell me I had no bufinefs there, for I was a reprobate. Soon after this I thought I was seized with death, and began to talk to my fifter about the ftate of her foul, telling her to fee that she made her calling and election fure, to examine herself whether fhe was in. the faith, &c. I told her I expected to be gone in a fhort time; that I was a fon of perdition, a veffel of wrath fitted for deftruction, and that I must go to my own place, whereunto I was appointed; I told her she would remember me as long as the lived, and no doubt it would give great diftrefs to her, but wished her to be refigned to the will of God; faying, He doth according to his own will in the armies of heaven, and amongst the inhabitants of the earth; and none can stay his hand, &c &c. I took my leave of her, telling her fhe would fee me no more, but I would run to my brother's, who lived in the next street, thinking to die there. I began to talk to him after the fame manner, expecting every minute to be my last; which made him cry mightily to God, in this time of trouble, for me., I had not been there long before I grew better. This being Wednesday evening I went to chapel, but to no purpose, my thoughts were swallowed up with the fears of death and hell; for every time I went to chapel I heard nothing but my condemnation over and over again; and thinking it was great prefumption in me to dare to go, expecting to die while I was there, I refolved many times never to

"

go again; and indeed I was quite weary of my life, and wished I could end in annihilation.

One night I went into the city, but durft not go into the meeting; I often used to walk round about your chapel a long time before I could venture to go in, and often thought I would not have gone, had it not been for hurting the minds of my friends. At length, having no hope of being saved, I began to contrive which would be the best way to fave my life.-Satan's advice was to leave off hearing, and I should foon get better and ftronger, and, when I could earn money enough to maintain myself, then to leave all my profeffing friends, and go into the country: so I strove to put all thoughts of futurity far from me; and, as I could not beat off the hopes my friends had of me, by telling them I knew I was given up to a fearful looking for of judgment, I began to laugh and jeer at them, and would laugh and talk about any thing but the state of my foul. Surely it is of the Lord's mercy I am not confumed. I had not been long in this defperate flate before a man that was ill in the houfe died: this roufed my stubborn foul, the fears of death feized me afresh, and the wrath of God feemed more hot than ever against me; Satan turned accufer, and I was as it were hanging over the belly of hell, and yet I had fomething that caught hold of the Godhead of my Saviour: and indeed this was all I had to hold me up; my load of guilt was fo great, and my iniquities were infinite, that had I not believed in the VOL. II.

K

Godhead