LETTER XII.

To the Rev. Mr. HUNTINGTON.

MY DEARLY BELOVED FRIEND,

Grace, mercy, and peace, be multiplied.

I RECEIVED your kind instructing letter of March. 4th, for which I return you my most grateful acknowledgment. I believe I fhould have troubled you with a letter before now, but many obftacles have been in the way; but most of all unbelief on the one hand, and a fear of presumption on the other, have worried and perplexed my foul forely, so that I have gone bowing down my head like a bulrush. Ifs and buts are cutting things to me, and also dishonourable to God. I have gone fo far as to fear that the Lord had never begun the good work in my foul at all, and that I had deceived others and myself alfo, and have prayed the Lord to begin the good work now. I have endeavoured to go back, in these terrible times, to past experience; and there I have been baffled alfo. I have looked at my first convictions, but it has been reprefented that they were only natural convictions, and that I VOL. II.

F

never

never faw fin exceeding finful, nor in its true light; that I never had a godly forrow for fin, nor that mourning on the account of fin which is peculiar to the faints; therefore they were not convictions by the Spirit of the Lord. I have answered, that they led me to pray to the Lord, and that, from a feeling fenfe of my loft condition (terrible and long as they were), that they might not go off but by the precious blood of Jefus Chrift. I also answered, Did not this prove that, at that time, the Lord had granted me a new covenant-bleffing, "his fear in

my heart," that they should not go off but by the blood of Chrift. It came again it was only a prayer while his chaftening was upon me, and that he only mocked when my fear came; and in this way have I been, till I have been wearied and confounded. I then flew, I thought, to a more fure testimony, I mean the day of my efpoufals; which has many times kept me up: for St. Paul fays, they may have many things, and having not charity, or love, they are nothing. I put the question, Have I not had the love of God fhed abroad in my heart by the Holy Ghoft? which at that time took away that flavish fear of hell and damnation, and it has never returned (though, poor wretch, I have defired it) to this prefent period. To the last it was anfwered when God's chaftening hand was off me I fell asleep again in carnal fecurity, and the rest that I felt was in myself, not in him. first it was answered-it was nothing

And to the

but the joy

of

of a hypocrite or Arminian, which I have feen thanking and praifing God from day to day, as if in the liberty of the gospel, but it was rejoicing only in a thing of nought; and here I have been forely put to it, and, " being in darkness and having no

light," it has left behind a secret suspicion, and a jealousy which is cruel as the grave, and till the Lord is pleafed of his mercy to remove it my life will hang in doubt.

My dearly beloved friend, let me crave an interest in your prayers, from a feeling fense of my need; for I know that the effectual fervent prayer of W. H. S. S. availeth much, as has been proved to me concerning that woman at G, which was mentioned in a former letter. The prayer-meeting which the held in oppofition to us is broke up, but what has been the occafion of it I cannot learn; the first cause I know, but cannot learn the second. She is also made manifeft to another perfon, who I have great reason to believe is a Chriftian, and who has helped to fupport her by her pocket. I do believe the Lord is making her manifeft very faft, praised be his name for that. I am often tempted to believe that the love I experienced at my deliverance from the gulph of black despair, was not attended with those foul-debafing, God-exalting, views, as is experienced by Chriftians; that it was not attended with that fympathy for Jefus Chrift as is mentioned in Zech. xii. 10. "They fhall mourn for him as

one that mourneth for his only fon; and fhall be

" in bitterness for him as one that is in bitterness "for his first born."-May the Lord make you willing and able to give close answers. I shall fay no more on this fubject at prefent, but shall proceed, hoping you will fend me a few lines in as short a time as poffibly you can. And may the Lord direct you. Amen.

"Search me, O God, try me, and know my

My heartfelt prayer is, "and know my heart; "thoughts, and fee if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

There is Mr. Thomas B-, &c. &c. &c. who defire to exprefs their love, gratitude, and affection to you, as an inftrument in the hand of God, for our beloved M. O's vifit among us. I believe he has been made useful in some sense or other to us all fome have been comforted, fome reproved, and fome established; our eyes are completely opened to fee into a certain description of minifters as they never were before; it has taught us the difference between a minifter of the letter only and one of the Spirit; or, if you please, a minister of Satan and one of the Lord's. He fpeaks as one having authority, and not as our modern, letterlearned, fchool-taught, fcribes; he is sweetly in the liberty of the gospel both in preaching and in fpeaking in private; and, oh, how do I long to be in it myself, the glorious liberty of the children of God! It founds and vibrates in my heart, and I hope, one day, the Lord will grant my request, that I fhall

fteadily

fteadily enjoy it myself. At prefent I am at war with a whole hoft of enemies, and am afraid I often attack them in my own ftrength. Legality is a terrible foe to me; but I must leave off here, and be gin on another fubject.

In your love and kindness to us, you fent Mr. B a letter, the contents whereof made me tremble; the awful charge you gave me, and that in the presence of God, and at my peril if I refused; and your speaking fo pofitively that God would bless us in this way: feeling myself so very weak (which this letter will prove), has laid me under fresh difficulties that I little thought of, and I think I have fufpected my own ftate being fafe more fince that letter came than I did before. It has brought fuch thoughts as these.-How can I describe the real convictions of a child of God, while I fufpect the reality of my own? And how can I describe the everlasting difcriminating love of God which is fhed abroad in the finner's heart, after he has paffed under the rod, when the day of his espousals is come, at the feast of fat things; and, at the fame time, suspect my own state? It cannot be. I thought, if my dear friend had known me, he would not have said so much about my being useful in future, or laid fuch a charge upon me; befides, very often I cannot fee any thing in the fcriptures from one end to the other: I have looked and read, and at last have shut the book and gone away grievously disappointed, moping and mourning