VALENTINE'S DAY.

SURELY the mornin' Cupid was born in

Ought to be kept, 'tis Valentine's day,
Father and Mother, Sister and Brother;

This, that and t'other may preach as they may,
But nothing shall hinder a peep at the winder
To see if the Postman is over the way.

PATTER.

Well, I wonder if I shall have a valentine; I know I shall wonder if I don't !—Ah, I know who from !-No, you don't! -Yes, I do!-Who, then ?-Why, from each of the young gentlemen at Prospect House Academy!-(Little Girl.) I say, Mary Maggs, shall you have a Valentine ?-(Little Girl.) I do' know; is it dood to eat?-(Big Girl.) Hush, you little fools, you'll bring Governess!-Well, I never saw such a post. It can't be called post-haste, can it? He's been this hour in the row, and got only to Number Four!-Ah, that's Miss Latham's, she takes in a limited number of scholars, but an unlimited number of Valentines!-Does she really? -Lord! what a delightful school! how I should like to run away from it! As for sweethearts, our Governess won't allow them; she's got the palsy, and shakes her head at the most innocent things in the world!-(Mimicking palsied Governess.) "I do not approve of Valentines-love indeed!It's only fit for young people when they're old people. Remember Miss Robinson last year, she curled her hair with a Valentine and it turned her head !"—(Girl.) Oh, that's just like her!-(Stuttering Girl.) Well, I'm sure of my Valentine! -You are? (stutters.)—Yes, I gave Cook a shilling to

smuggle it in; it's to come wrapped round a pound of butter!

Girl, elbowing.) Miss Murray, do not squeeze so, you'll have me out of window! Hush.-Why? Hush.-Who? Governess!-Where? Hush.-There! Hush.-How very provoking of her!Palsied Governess.) Upon my word, this is very pretty! I cannot muster a single class!—(French Governess.) Ah, Madame, dey have all First-floored demselfs to look out for a man of letters. As soon as it was nine on de clock, dere was nine-and-twenty on de watch. It is Mister Valentine's Day !-(Governess.) Valentine's Day! Here's decency! Here's propriety! Fetch 'em all down! Here Betty! Thomas! Sally! where are ye. Lock the area -bolt the street door-put the chain up-pull down the blinds-and don't suffer any cupidity to enter the house! -(Girl, whispering.) Is she gone?—Yes!—I've got it! (clapping her hands and jumping.) I've got it!-What ?— My Valentine, to be sure! Look here, Post mark, Harrow; that comes from a beau of course! marked strictly private ! Oh, do all come and hear it!-Hush! she's coming, she's coming again (she hurries the letter into her pocket).-So, Miss, what's that you're scuttling into your pocket?—Nothing, Ma'am (curtsey), only a thread paper.-No such thing; out with it; there now, I knew it, it's a Valentine; Miss!—(Girl, mouthing.) La! Ma'am, I am sure it's no harm; you had one yourself this morning!-(Governess.) Me, Miss? Me have a Valentine! No Miss, the letter you saw was from the moral Dr. Gregory, enclosing one from Mrs. Hannah More, with a postscript by Mrs. Chapone! As for this wicked scrawl, there! and there! and there! and there! Miss! (tearing the Valentine.)-(Loud squalling and crying.) Oh! Oh! Oh !— (Girls.) Miss Gibbs, what has she done?—-Oh! oh! (crying.) Look here; look how she's crumpled up Cupid! She's tore my two turtle-doves from each other, and there's my hearts

all in bits.(Other Girl.) Oh! what a shame, if I was you, Gibbs, dear, I'd pick up the pieces and put 'em together!-So I mean (picking them up); there, there's Dart (a sob), and Heart (a sob), and Love (sob), and Dove (sob), Divine and Mine, and Adore, and Evermore (with a smile). Well! I ain't so bad off, after all!

Their hearts they go pit-a-pat, pit-a-pat, pit-a-pat,
Fluttered and flurried on Valentine's Day.

Sure, of all days that ever were dated,
Valentine's Day is the fullest of news;
Then every lass expects to be mated

And Cupid goes round collecting his dues!
And levies a door-rate, like parish or poor-rate,
By getting the Postman to stand in his shoes;

PATTER

(Girl) Now Sally, when the Postman does come, don't dawdle on the stairs, go down two at once and jump four at the bottom (Maid.) La, Miss! I always puts both hands on the banisters, tucks up my legs, and slides slap down!(Little Boy.) I say, Caroline, do you expect a Billy Doo ?Yes, I do, Billy!-Then will you cut me out all the pictures-What a profane little wretch-(Mother, calling.) Caroline! Matilda! Girls! Ten o'clock, and no breakfast made for your father!—(Girl.) La, Ma, don't be so unreasonable, we can never eat any breakfast ourselves on Valentine's Day-(Father, in a hurry.) Come! Come! Come! where's breakfast, I've business in the City. Why, how's this? no tea made, no toast made, everything forgot, eggs and all !— (Girl.) No, Pa, the eggs have not been forgot, they've been boiling this half hour!—(Father.) I wish you were all in 'em! Where's Sally ?-Only gone to the door, Pa.-Where's

Caroline-She's at the door, Pa.-And William ?—He's at the door, Pa!-Well go and call down your Aunt Cameron. --She is down.-Down where ?-Why down at the door, Pa (Sharp Postman.) Now, now, now, quick, quick! can't stand all day at the door like a door-post, plenty more to deliver, fifty at the Boys' School, twice as many at the Girls'. Miss Thomson, threepence.-(Girl.) La, how cheap for such a dear letter!(Postman.) Here, here, Sally, Cook, threepence; don't be so long.—(Maid.) It's coz I'm a penny short, Mr. Postman. Pay next time.-Miss Cameron, treble letter, fourteen pence!-(Scotch.) Hoot awa, mon, I'll gie eleven and a bawbee.-(Postman.) Can't take less, fourteen pence, there it is marked on the address.—(Scotch.) Then I just wish everybody would pay their addresses to me.— (Melancholy.) Postman, Postman, have you no letter for Miss M. Thompson None, Miss, good day!-Oh, what a shame of Master Tringham !—(Boy.) Ah, Carry! I see your Valentine! -You didn't, Sir !—I did, though!-You didn't !—I did, I know what's in it; there's a bow and arrows, a fat Child, a bullock's heart, and a pair of pigeons-A little monkey! How dare you look over!-(Boy.) Now for Aunt Cameron's, now for Aunt Cameron's! Aunt, do read us your Valentine? -(Scotch.) Wait a wee, bairns, wait a wee; I maun hae my glasses (puts on specs and reads). "The rose is red, the Veelet's blue, the Deevil's black;" Oh, the Blackgards, it's a threetening letter!-La, Aunt, it's only a Valentine.(Scotch.) Don't Valentine me; I'll gang to Sir Freeling and hae back my bawbees! fourteen pennies for a black Deevil, and a blue Veelet! it's pairfect robbery !—(Little Boy, capering and laughing.) Ha, ha, ha! there's a good joke; I sent it, Aunt, I sent it! Ha, ha, ha! you're an April fool in February! (Boy laughing.)—(Girl crying.)—(Gruff Father.) What's all this laughing? (Turning round.) What's all this

crying?—(Girt, crying.) Oh Pa! it's very hard, Carry's got a Valentine, Sally's got a Valentine, Cook's got a Valentine, Aunt Cameror's got a Valentine, they've all got a Valentine but me.-(Gruff Father.) Never mind, you'll have one another year. (Girl, indignant.) Another year, Pa! why I hope I shall be run away with, and married long afore then!

Their hearts they go pit-a-pat, pit-a-pat, pit-a-pat,
Fluttered and flurried on Valentine's Day.

THE LORD MAYOR'S SHOW.*

SUNG BY MR. MATHEWS FOR THE SPRING MEETING.

How well I remember the ninth of November,
The sky very foggy, the Sun looking groggy,
In fact, altogether pea-soup coloured weather.
Shop-windows all shuttered, the pavement all buttered,
Policemen paraded, the street barricaded,

And a peal from the steeple of Bow!

Low women in pattens, high ladies in satins,
And Cousin Suburbans, in flame-coloured turbans,
Quite up to the attics, inviting rheunatics,

A great mob collecting, without much selecting,
And some, it's a pity, are free of the City,

As your pockets may happen to know!

PATTER.

Now, John-put up the shutters !-lock the door!—and

I find a garbled version of this in "Mr. Mathews' Entertainment entitled 'My Youthful Days" -a pirated edition by Duncombe, who was subsequently proceeded against and punished for this and other similar illegal publications.