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That Slender, though well landed, is an idiot;
SCENE V. A Room in the Garter.
Enter Host and SIMPLE.
HOST. What would'st thou have, boor? what, thick-skin?
SIM. Marry, Sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff
HOST. There's his chamber, his house, his castle, his standing-bed and truckle-bed: 'tis painted about with the story of the Prodigal, fresh and new. Go, knock and call: he'll speak like an Anthropophaginian unto thee. Knock, I say.
SIM. There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into his chamber. I'll be so bold as stay, Sir, till she come down: I come to speak with her, indeed.
HOST. Ha! a fat woman! the Knight may be robb'd: I'll call.-Bully Knight! Bully Sir John! speak from thy lungs military. Art thou there? it is thine Host, thine Ephesian,1 calls.
FAL. [above.] How now, mine Host?
HOST. Here's a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming down of thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let her descend; my chambers are honourable. Fie, privacy, fie!
FAL. There was, mine Host, an old fat woman even now
SIM. Pray you, Sir, was 't not the Wise Woman of
FAL. Ay, marry, was it, mussel-shell. What would you
SIM. My master, Sir, Master Slender, sent to her, seeing her go through the streets, to know, Sir, whether
1 (slang) cup-fellow.
one Nym, Sir, that beguil'd him of a chain, had the ACT IV chain, or no. 31 Sc. V
FAL. I spake with the old woman about it.
SIM. And what says she, I pray, Sir?
FAL. Marry, she says, that the very same man that beguil❜d Master Slender of his chain, cozen'd him of it. SIM. I would I could have spoken with the woman herself: I had other things to have spoken with her too, from him.
FAL. What are they? Let us know.
HOST. Ay, come; quick.
SIM. I may not conceal them, Sir.
HOST. Conceal them, or thou diest.
SIM. Why, Sir, they were nothing but about Mistress Anne Page: to know if it were my master's fortune to have her, or no.
FAL. "Tis, 'tis his fortune.
SIM. What, Sir?
FAL. To have her-or no. Go: say, the woman told
SIM. May I be so bold to say so, Sir?
FAL. Ay, Sir: like who more bold?
SIM. I thank your Worship: I shall make my master
FAL. Ay, that there was, mine Host: one that hath taught me more wit than ever I learn'd before in my life; and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid1 for my learning.
BARD. Out, alas, Sir! HOST. Where be my varletto.
Cozenage! mere cozenage !
1 (slang) beaten.
BARD. Run away with the cozeners: for so soon as I came beyond Eton, they threw me off, from behind one of them, in a slough of mire; and set spurs, and away like three German Devils, three Doctor Faustuses.
HOST. They are gone but to meet the Duke, villain. Do not say they be fled. Germans are honest men.
Enter SIR HUGH EVANS.
EVANS. Where is mine Host?
HOST. What is the matter, Sir?
EVANS. Have a care of your entertainments: there is a friend of mine come to town, tells me, there is three cozen-Germans, that has cozen'd all the Hosts of Readings, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and money. I tell you for good-will, look you: you are wise, and full of gibes and vlouting-stogs; and 'tis not convenient you should be cozen'd. Fare you well.
Enter DOCTOR CAIUS.
CAIUS. Vere is mine Host de Jarteer?
HOST. Here, Master Doctor, in perplexity, and doubtful dilemma.
CAIUS. I cannot tell vat is dat but it is tell-a me, dat
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY.
QUICK. From the two parties, forsooth.
FAL. The Devil take one party, and his Dam the other,
1 a game at cards.
and so they shall be both bestow'd! I have suffer'd more for their sakes, more than the villainous inconstancy of man's disposition is able to bear.
QUICK. And have not they suffer'd? Yes, I warrant, speciously one of them: Mistress Ford, good heart, is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a white spot about her.
FAL. What tell'st thou me of black and blue! I was beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow, and I was like to be apprehended for the Witch of Brentford; but that my admirable dexterity of wit, my counterfeiting the action of an old woman deliver'd me, the knave Constable had set me i' the stocks, i' the common stocks, for a witch.
QUICK. Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber: you
Sure, one of
SCENE VI. Another Room in the Garter.
Enter FENTON and Host.
HOST. Master Fenton, talk not to me: my mind is heavy,
I will give over all.
FENT. Yet hear me speak: assist me in my purpose,
And, as I am a gentleman, I'll give thee
A hundred pound in gold more than your loss.
HOST. I will hear you, Master Fenton; and I will, at the
FENT. From time to time I have acquainted you
Without the shew of both. Herein fat Falstaff
[showing the letter.
Made promise to the Doctor. Now, thus it rests:
And in that habit, when Slender sees his time
She shall go with him; her mother hath intended,
(For they must all be mask'd and vizarded),
To give our hearts united ceremony.
HOST. Well, husband your device: I'll to the Vicar: