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SCENE IV. The DUKE's palace.
Enter VALENTINE, and VIOLA in man's attire.
Val. If the duke continue these favours towards you, Cesario, you are like to be much advanced: he hath known you but three days, and already you are no stranger.
Vio. You either fear his humour or my negligence, that you call in question the continuance of his love: is he inconstant, sir, in his favours ?
Val. No, believe me.
Vio. I thank you. Here comes the count.
Enter DUKE, CURIO, and Attendants.
Duke. Who saw Cesario, ho?
Vio. On your attendance, my lord; here.
Therefore, good youth, address thy gait unto her;
Sure, my noble lord,
Duke. Be clamorous and leap all civil bounds
Vio. Say I do speak with her, my lord, what then?
I know thy constellation is right apt
For this affair. Some four or five attend him ;
I'll do my best
Mar. Make that good.
Clo. He shall see none to fear.
SCENE V. OLIVIA's house.
Enter MARIA and CLOWN.
Mar. Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in way of thy excuse my lady will hang thee for thy absence.
Clo. Let her hang me: he that is well hanged in this world needs to fear no colours.
Mar. A good lenten answer: I can tell thee where that saying was born, of "I fear no colours."
Clo. Where, good Mistress Mary?
Mar. In the wars; and that you may be bold to say in your foolery.
Clo. Well, God give them wisdom that have it; and those that are fools, let them use their talents.
Enter Lady OLIVIA with MALVOLIO.
Mar. Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent; or, to be turned away, is not that as good as a hanging to you?
God bless thee, lady!
Oli. Take the fool away.
Clo. Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage; and, for turning away, let summer bear it out.
Mar. You are resolute, then?
Clo. Not so, neither; but I am resolved on two points. Mar. That if one break, the other will hold; or, if both break, your gaskins fall.
Clo. Apt, in good faith; very apt. Well, go thy way; if Sir Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a piece of Eve's flesh as any in Illyria. 31
Mar. Peace, you rogue, no more o' that. Here comes my lady make your excuse wisely, you were best. [Exit.
Clo. Wit, an't be thy will, put me into good fooling! Those wits, that think they have thee, do very oft prove fools; and I, that am sure I lack thee, may pass for a wise man for what says Quinapalus ? "Better a witty fool than a foolish wit." 40
Clo. Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady. Oli. Go to, you're a dry fool; I'll no more of you: besides, you grow dishonest.
Clo. Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel will amend for give the dry fool drink, then is the fool not dry bid the dishonest man mend himself; if he mend, he is no longer dishonest; if he cannot, let the botcher mend him. Any thing that's mended is but patched virtue that transgresses is but patched with sin; and sin that amends is but patched with virtue. If that this simple syllogism will serve, so if it will not, what remedy? As there is no true cuckold but calamity, so beauty's a flower. The lady bade take away the fool; therefore, I say again, take her away.
Oli. Sir, I bade them take away you.
Clo. Misprision in the highest degree! Lady, cucullus non facit monachum; that's as much to say as I wear not motley in my brain. Good madonna, give me leave to prove you a fool.
Oli. Can you do it?
Clo. Dexteriously, good madonna.
Oli. Make your proof.
Clo. I must catechize you for it, madonna: good my mouse of virtue, answer me.
Oli. Well, sir, for want of other idleness, I'll bide your proof.
Clo. Good madonna, why mournest thou?
Clo. I think his soul is in hell, madonna.
Clo. The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother's soul being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen.
Oli. What think you of this fool, Malvolio? doth he not mend? 80
Mal. Yes, and shall do till the pangs of death shake him infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever make the better fool.
Clo. God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the better increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be sworn that I am no fox; but he will not pass his word for twopence that you are no fool.
Oli. How say you to that, Malvolio?
Mal. I marvel your lordship takes delight in such a barren rascal: I saw him put down the other day with an ordinary fool that has no more brain than a stone. Look you now, he's out of his guard already; unless you laugh and minister occasion to him, he is gagged. I protest, I take these wise men, that crow so at these set kind of fools, no better than the fools' zanies.
Oli. O, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste with
a distempered appetite. To be generous, guiltless and of free disposition, is to take those things for bird-bolts that you deem cannon-bullets: there is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do nothing but rail; nor no railing in a known discreet man, though he do nothing but reprove.
Clo. Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou speakest well of fools!
Mar. Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much desires to speak with you.
Oli. From the Count Orsino, is it?
Mar. I know not, madam: 'tis a fair young man, and well attended.
Oli. Who of my people hold him in delay?
Mar. Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman.
Oli. Fetch him off, I pray you; he speaks nothing but madman fie on him! [Exit Maria.] Go, you, Malvolio : if it be a suit from the court, I am sick, or not at home; what you will, to dismiss it. [Exit Malvolio.] Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and people dislike it.
Clo. Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest son should be a fool; whose skull Jove cram with brains! for,-here he comes,-one of thy kin has a most weak pia mater.
Enter SIR TOBY.
Oli. By mine honour, half drunk. What is he at the gate, cousin?
Sir To. A gentleman.
Oli. A gentleman! what gentleman?
Sir To. Tis a gentleman here—a plague o' these pickleherring! How now, sot!
Clo. Good Sir Toby!
Oli. Cousin, cousin, how have you come so early by this lethargy?
Sir To. Lechery! I defy lechery.
There's one at the
Oli. Ay, marry, what is he?
Sir To. Let him be the devil, an he will, I care not give me faith, say I. Well, it's all one.
Oli. What's a drunken man like, fool?
Clo. Like a drowned man, a fool and a mad man: one draught above heat makes him a fool; the second mads him; and a third drowns him.
Oli. Go thou and seek the crowner, and let him sit o' my
coz; for he's in the third degree of drink, he's drowned: go, look after him.
Clo. He is but mad yet, madonna; and the fool shall look to the madman.
Mal. Madam, yond young fellow swears he will speak with you. I told him you were sick; he takes on him to understand so much, and therefore comes to speak with I told him you were asleep; he seems to have a foreknowledge of that too, and therefore comes to speak with you. What is to be said to him, lady? he's fortified against any denial.
Oli. Tell him he shall not speak with me.
Mal. Has been told so; and he says, he'll stand at your door like a sheriff's post, and be the supporter to a bench, but he'll speak with you.
Oli. What kind o' man is he?
Mal. Why, of mankind.
Oli. What manner of man?
Mal. Of very ill manner; he'll speak with you, will you
Oli. Of what personage and years is he?
Mal. Not yet old enough for a man, nor young enough for a boy; as a squash is before 'tis a peascod, or a codling when 'tis almost an apple: 'tis with him in standing water, between boy and man. He is very well-favoured and he speaks very shrewishly; one would think his mother's milk were scarce out of him. 171
Oli. Let him approach: call in my gentlewoman.
Oli. Give me my veil: come, throw it o'er my face. We'll once more hear Orsino's embassy.
Enter VIOLA, and Attendants.
Vio. The honourable lady of the house, which is she? Oli. Speak to me; I shall answer for her. Your will? Vio. Most radiant, exquisite and unmatchable beauty,-I pray you, tell me if this be the lady of the house, for I never saw her: I would be loath to cast away my speech, for besides that it is excellently well penned, I have taken great pains to con it. Good beauties, let me sustain no scorn; I am very comptible, even to the least sinister usage. 189
Oli. Whence came you, sir?
Vio. I can say little more than I have studied, and that